isO Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Hello all... first time posting here. I've been seeing a man over the summer. Perhaps this should be in the LDR board, as we live about 1/2 hr to 45 min away from each other, but while it's inconvenient I'm not sure if the situation constitutes a true LDR? Anyways, we usually spend a couple of weekends a month together just going out or staying in enjoying each other's company and catching up on each other's lives. For one of these months he was away in Chicago training for a new job position, so I guess that we've had a grand total of maybe 7 dates in 4 months? The problem is that while we chat extensively on AIM (he sees me online and always messages me, or waits for me to come back from "away") he very rarely rings me up on the phone except when we're making plans to get together. He's becoming very special to me and I'm beginning to feel attatched despite the warning bells going off in my head. Does this mean that I'm just a booty call for him? Or is it me wanting too much too soon? He treats me very well and we've met each other's friends and family. While no official "talk" about our status has taken place, I think that it's mutually understood that neither of us are dating others. I'm 34 and he is the first man I've been interested in since separating from my ex-husband, so I could use some advice here because I'm very much out of the dating loop!
Merin Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 First thing... NEVER ASSUME a relationship is exclusive UNLESS it's been discussed and mutually agreed on. Do you ever call him?
Author isO Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 Originally posted by Merin2 First thing... NEVER ASSUME a relationship is exclusive UNLESS it's been discussed and mutually agreed on. You're right... I told him what my take on things was, and asked him if the reason why he didn't keep in contact more was because he was seeing someone else. His reply: "I'm busy - not promiscuous!" I know that isn't the most satisfactory answer LOL. Not to be a total enabler or excuse monger but he has just gone through a career change and there have been some family and living arrangement issues in his life lately, but I should at least be some kind of priority? Do you ever call him? Actually, I don't. Well, I do on the rare occasion but I'm not v. comfortable with it. I don't want to chase him or anything.
Merin Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Well, my take is this... IF you're comfortable enough to be intimate with him... then be comfortable enough to pick up the phone sometimes and call him;) not like a phone call now and then is considered to be stalking the guy:lmao: Last thing... again IMHO once you've become intimate with someone, then it becomes your business IF they are intimate with other people besides you. So maybe the best way to talk about this is to tell him "I'm not seeing anyone else..." see where he takes it from there. Good Luck
Author isO Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 Originally posted by Merin2 Well, my take is this... IF you're comfortable enough to be intimate with him... then be comfortable enough to pick up the phone sometimes and call him;) not like a phone call now and then is considered to be stalking the guy:lmao: Last thing... again IMHO once you've become intimate with someone, then it becomes your business IF they are intimate with other people besides you. So maybe the best way to talk about this is to tell him "I'm not seeing anyone else..." see where he takes it from there. Good Luck I suppose if I were to call him once in awhile it might let him know that I'm thinking about him... and also his responses could prove v. informative in deciding whether he's for real or not And the next time that we're face to face I'll be sure to broach the exclusivity question too. I'm not looking to trap anyone into a relationship that they don't want/aren't ready for; I just want to know where things stand so I can act accordingly and do what's best for me. Thanks for the advice!
DefBringer Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 I may be able to offer some insight: I had a girlfriend I loved very dearly that lived hours away from me. I, too, would try to avoid talking on the phone as much as possible and preferred AIM. I guess I preferred being able to listen to music and relax all the while talking to her? Some guys just don't like talking on the phone, although that might not explain your boyfriend's behavior. Still, I would talk to her at least for 15 or so minutes every day and take the rest to chat/AIM/etc. Then again, we were well established in our relationship.
Majik45 Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 I've been chatting with a girl a lot on AIM lately. We've been out a couple times (she lives 3 hours away), and we used to IM just about every day. Every couple of days we'd talk on the phone too. I agree with someone earlier that it is easier for guys to IM than to talk on the phone, well at least it is for me. It's more comfortable for me anyway. I realize though that you need to still have phone conversations a lot too because you can tell a lot more about a person by their tone of voice and what not. The question I have is is he the one who always initiates the IM conversations? Do you ever start chatting to him or is it all one-sided? To me if he's the one who's always starting up the conversations with you or always having to call you, I would start to get worried that you weren't interested in me. Luckily for me and my girl, we were about half and half so she would start talking to me sometimes and I would start talking to her sometimes so you could tell there was a mutual interest in the relationship. You definitely need to have "the talk" the next time you meet.
Scangie Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 isO, this is probably not what you want to hear, but I think it is a problem that he never calls. It's not that hard to give someone a quick call, and I think phone/voice connections are important, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. But more importantly -- the tone of your posts indicates that you have a gut feeling that something is not right here. It's easy to convince yourself that everything is okay, but don't be in denial about it! Let him know that you'd like to keep in touch via phone more frequently. It's not too much to ask, so if he gives you excuses, or says he'll do it, but then doesn't -- you've got your answer: Move on and find someone who is serious about building a relationship!
tiki Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 I had a b/f that *mostly* wanted to talk over AIM. Yeah, he only lived like 15 minutes away and he never called. I left him, he was a whack job. If I didn't log on to AOL, he wouldn't contact me. That got old and I got tired of sitting at the damn computer. Oh, and this immature idgit was in his mid thirties. Gimme a break! I found a real man I could talk to and see in real time.
Author isO Posted October 2, 2004 Author Posted October 2, 2004 I feel so stupidly vulnerable posting about this! I've been at my wit's end lately though, and I found this site and read some of the responses and figured that 'yall didn't seem into flaming but were trying to be genuinely helpful... which I really appreciate. We talked on the phone tonight and he asked me to call him tomorrow while he's @ work... while this may not seem like a big deal to many, it kind of is to me because of his usual reticence. Oddly enough, that's one of the very qualities that I think attracted me to him in the first place, and now here I am crying about it... hmmm. Scangie, you're right in saying that I prolly don't want to hear what you have to say. The truth generally does hurt & this is no exception LOL. I need fresh perspectives though. My RL friends I generally don't confide in too deeply, and when I do I think that they just tell me what I want to hear, you know?
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