He looked me right in the face and lied!! That is what killed me.

[statsgirl]

5 years together with a man who was my very best friend. He pursued me for 6 months and i was reluctant bc i knew he had a womanizing past that he was honest about. We work together. He kept telling me that a lifestyle like that gets old and he wants to be with just me. I watched him carefully for those 6 months and had no reason to believe that he had anyone in his life, so I caved bc i wanted to hook up with him the whole time anyway. I thought i was careful enough and I had won over his heart. I did...for 2 1/2 years, then bam! He cheated and was honest about it. I walked away, and he wooed me back after 4 months of "proving" to me that he was sorry. I caved.

 

After that, we started a vicious cycle of me not trusting him, questioning everything he said and did bc i suspected he was lying about things. He started to not answer his phone in front of me(we never lived together), he would visit his family in another state and disappear. I could just never prove anything. I wanted to believe his lies, so i learned to let go and move on every time for the next 2 years. It was so unhealthy and i was living a life of highs and lows, lies and deceit. Through the last 6 months, i was desperately holding on, but i knew we would inevitably split. What finally did it, was i had real proof. The truth set me free, and i couldn't lie to myself anymore.

 

I grabbed his cell phone one night after it rang a few times and he wouldn't answer. A girl whose name he had never mentioned phoned him at 2 in the morning. My point was, why is this girl so comfortable calling you in the middle of the night. He said he didn't know why. She was some girl from High school that he met in the street when he visited his family. She was nobody special. I asked him if he slept with the girl, and then he let me have it. He said, "NO, why?, do you think i am obligated to you? Who the f*** r u anyway, my keeper?, No i did not sleep with her, i don't know why she is calling, but you play these games in your own head if you want to". We went to bed and i cried myself to sleep. We only saw each other on weekends, so i knew something was wrong when i could come over after not seeing him all week and he seemed not to want to touch me anymore. NEVER had that problem before. Anyway, he left for work the next morning and i stayed at his house to sleep in. His house phone rang at 3 am, and of course, i looked at the number on the call ID after he left for work. I called the number and explained to the girl who i was and who he was and what we had together.

 

The girl told me that he pursued her when he visited his family. She was dating his cousin, but she was "flexible" and non-committed. He slept over her house every night for a whole week, which explains his disappearing acts. She said she was sorry for me, but he told her all i was, was a dog sitter for him and that is why he ignored my calls in front of her. She swore she was angry with him bc she told him she didn't want him to lie to her. Well he lost her, and then bc he found out that i called her, he stopped talking to me. I would call him and ask about if this is really over bc i didn't do anything wrong and i really wanted to work things out. He said he wants to be with me, but still has not said he is sorry. It is obviously over, but i am so crushed. All i have is the pain over the many things that he did, and my stupidity for allowing him to hurt me over and over, and letting things get this bad.

 

It has been two months now. I still cry sometimes, and I feel sad and lonely often, but at least i have finally learned a valuable lesson. The reason why it hurts when people do things is bc they are working against our value systems. We have to define what is important to us and align ourselves with people who reinforce our values and morals. Also, based on those values, we have to set boundaries for ourselves, to determine the defining point of when things go wrong in a relationship. If you identify that crossroad if you should ever come to it, you need to get out before you set yourself up for unnecessary future heartbreak. Setting boundaries, standards, and convictions over what is absolutely unacceptable in the way you are treated reinforces your self worth and prevents you from dealing with being hurt over and over. This was a big lesson learned.

 

People will only do to you what you allow them to do to you. Setting boundaries gives people a line that they cannot cross if they do not want to lose you. They will respect your boundaries if they truly respect you and want to make you happy. Does anyone agree/disagree?

 

I had 2 previous long term relationships. There was no cheating involved. We just grew apart. This experience, however, was the worst, most painful thing i have ever been through in my whole life bc i had to let go of something i wanted to hold onto forever. I wish i knew how to make the hurting stop so i can move on. Finding someone to fill the void is not the answer. I think that is just a rebound. How do you get there? Please help. The hardest thing, is that i have to work with him, so i can't run away. What i want is right in front of me every day, and i can't have it anymore. Oh, the pain....

[Merin]

Sweetheart, It isn't that you CAN'T have him anymore... it's that he NEVER gave of himself to begin with.

 

This hurt's I know... but it hurt's more to compromise your believes and your values all in a effort to make what this guy did okay... it isn't okay.

 

Right now you're feeling rejected... this a**hole got caught in his game and so now as people like this do, they make it all about you... try to come off like if YOU hadn't done this or that, that the two of you would still be together and honestly... you probably would still be with him had you just continued to compromise your values and looked the other way....

 

You know in your heart, soul and mind that you deserve better than this! You found your voice and said "NO" and he didn't like what he was hearing... he felt the control slip from his fingers a little...

 

He told this other girl you were a dog sitter for God Sake! Funny thing is.... he was the dog!

 

Time.... going to take time to start to feel better and stronger. Although I understand that he works at the same place he does... I would suggest (strongly) that you look for employment else where...

 

When you start feeling sad... think about all the crappy things he's pulled on you... and he has no remorse for it. Don't allow this guy to take any more from you! He's a jackass, and know that he will get his chance to burn...

 

Keep the faith

[statsgirl]

thank you. I know you are right. That is what happened. I put what i wanted from him before what i needed for myself. It was a foolish sacrifice that only retrospect can help me see. I just wish it didn't hurt so darn much. I can't leave this job bc i just got a promotion i have been fighting for for some time. I am set too well in many other ways that make it a stupid move for me right now. I just have to deal with him when necessary, and walk away and ignore him when there is no work matter to discuss. I am dealing. Not liking, but dealing.

thank you!!!!

[Merin]

You're welcome;)

 

He's a jerk and not worthy of any more of your time.

 

I know it hurts right now... but again it would only hurt more to have stayed in that relationship with him compromising what you know to be right.

 

Congrats on the promotion! Maaayyyybbeee you can become his boss and fire his lame a**?!

[ntovrhm]

You are one of the few who have proof of what he is really like. Learn from this experience and move on. With time, it will get better. That I promise you. Doesn't help much now, but know that you are deserving of better, and that you will find it when you are ready.