Buttercup84 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I used to have a " break up " diary on LS when I was going through a bad breakup. Now that I am over it, I am going to keep a thread to track my dating life. It might also help me to see patterns and why I attract certain people. It will be brutally honest so I can see how messed up I am and what I need to change. This will be hard, as I will be judged and have to face reality. Ugh. I looked back at my old diaries from when I was in my early twenties and thought back to me getting rejected. I realized that I am a tad over dramatic when I get rejected. But I also look back and see that these men were so obviously not meant for me and not my type ! I often get the " you are a great girl...but" line and then I get rejected. What I noticed is that I often become timid and shy around men. And I am so not a shy person. I am outgoing, talkative and apparently pretty damn funny. But when I am around a guy that I like, I turn into a quiet girl and can't think of anything to say. When I was with Joe ( last guy I went on a date with ) at a bar, I was confident and cheeky. But when we were at his place I was shy and did not how to make a fcking conversation. And I talk A LOT. It was frustrating and it gives men the feeling that I am not interesting or that I am very introverted. I was so excited about the date, I did my hair and makeup and it worked, he was interested and we kissed all night. He was the one to always make contact and wanted to see me again. I loved getting messages from him, and when I saw him I felt sick and could not eat for days. I lost 2kg during those two dates ! what the hell ? That maybe happened once or twice in my life. Not even with my ex boyfriend who I lived with. I sat there with Joe, eating pizza and took ages to eat two small slices as I was so freaking nervous. I normal eat like an animal and could eat a whole pizza by myself, for a short person I am a big eater hehe. I hate that about myself, why can't I be the cool, outgoing and sassy woman that I am ? why do some men reduce me to a love struck teen ? And after he rejected me, I contacted a friend of mine who I know always wanted to get into bed with me, and told him up and front that we need to do it. And I contacted my ex boyfriend and said we should be friends now. I guess meeting joe showed me that I am well and truly over my ex and we could be friends. Turns out my ex ( who dumped me ) still loves me and wants me back. So I messed that one up. I never wanted a relationship for the sake of it. I am picky and love being independent, but as soon as I like someone ( which does not happen often ) I become a mess. I am not myself and all my self esteem goes. Now after Joe ditched me, I feel sad and miss him. After two freaking dates. I know that is not normal and I need to address it. I guess I felt an intense attraction and sense of it feeling right for him. It was not like I saw myself getting married to him, hell I did not even see him as a boyfriend yet. But I wanted to date him for a while. I wanted to hang out and enjoy his company. I did not drop all my plans for him either, if he still wanted to see me I would have only had time late in the week as I am a busy person. Maybe as I said before, I am suddenly getting more attention from men, men who would have never looked at me before. I was always the dorky chubby girl who no one wanted. Weird hair, no dress sense and very unfit. I miss Summer, I was so busy then being in the ocean, being out with friends and just being active. I think too much now and am indoors more because it is dark so early. ****ing hell I just want to be normal again.
Author Buttercup84 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I think I put some guys up on a pedestal . With Joe it is " He is so cute, so good looking, looks amazing in a suit, is funny, smart, charming, has a good job and has done so much in his life. " I do not see myself that way, I should see myself as an amazing girl, and good enough for a man like that. I saw Joe as someone who is better than me, because of his looks. I never felt that good about my looks, despite getting compliment. I need to think that some men might think I am amazing too and I should not seek approval from others all the time.
pcplod Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) To be trite about it for a moment, I think you are doing too much thinking about it. But the problem is that is the most natural inclination of most of us. When we want something badly, we get anxious about not having it or getting it. Think about exams. The ones that you considered really mattered to you you get worked up about, the ones you didn't you wondered whether you could get away with not even turning up. And of course, when you are that anxious, that tense, then it shows up in your behaviour. And the men notice and it seems that it may be putting them off, if it is not another hidden issue is at the core of the break-ups. I take it that these guys are not pushing you either implicitly or explicitly into sex when you don't want to? If that is not the case, then I think that you need to just try to relax, try to convince yourself that to begin with these relationships are just like any other friendship, even if they are not. If you can chat for Australia when you are out in public with them but clam up when alone with them. What is the change in dynamics in the situation that causes it? When you are out in public is it only you and him involved in conversation or there others participating, sharing the social load. And what about the subject matter? Is it just that you feel on safe, harmless territory? What you have to appreciate is that when you are alone together that his behaviour, any change in his behaviour, is going to change the nature of the psychological and emotional dynamics between you at that moment. If he looks at you 'that way' and then he clams up because he doesn't know what to say next because he doesn't know what is safe and acceptable to say or what is likely to prove offensive and thus disastrous then there is likely to be little talk. Women still seem to expect men to take the lead in virtually all aspects of a relationship because they expect them to take the brunt of any fall-out if it turns negative. This may be the way it is because it has always been but they have always been grateful for just the odd clue, the odd insight into what is ticking away in that grey computer upstairs. People will try to sell books to men on the subject of "reading a woman" but the problem with that is that it sort of assumes that all women have read the same script. I know for one, that such simple reliance is simply foolhardy. On that basis, the risk of making a berk of yourself really has to be worth it. If you aren't that keen initially or don't know how far you might want things to go ultimately, then it is more likely you will take a pass on it. So, it might be worth your while, if that is part of the issue for you, to just take a deep breath and either suggest something or hint something that is a little bit more than "who the f**k knows"? So, when you are sitting there and he is looking at you and you are sitting there looking at him, looking at you, what exactly is going through your mind? What do you want to talk about? What do you not want to talk about? What do you want to do? What do you not want to do? Do us men get a starter for ten? Or do we get to just sit there looking like awkward gormless pricks? PS. Just another thought. If you are drying up when you get alone together, maybe that is just a natural sign that you putative relationship has not yet developed far enough, in terms of understanding or trust to be able to make that leap and the answer is still only go out together in public, because, for example, you are not ready for the inference that may lie behind it, such as greater physical intimacy? That may mean that they still walk away because they are impatient but at least the situation between you might be less ambiguous that way? Edited May 20, 2013 by pcplod
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