ignorant Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hello I've recently decided to end an 8 month relationship, but I find myself analyzing things, wondering maybe it's all my fault. I'll give a summery Fairly early in the relationship, I've noticed my girlfriend tends to get mad over smallest insignificat things. For example, we were at her friends house (another couple) hanging out and playing that game where you put a name of a celebrity on your forehead and try to guess which one are you. I wrote her a name and during the game she did a bit of cheating, so we started again with different names, only I wrote the same name, thought it's a funny trick. She couldn't find out what she was because she wouldn't guess the same name already written before. When she found out, she got furious, saying what I did was wrong, that I deliberatly did that so she can't win, that we're supposed to be a team, I sabotaged her, that she would never do that to me, etc, and later even cried about it, thinking what I did meant I only want competition and don't care for her.... Needless to say, I tried hard to explain that it was just a game, it was supposed to be fun, don't care for competition, just thought it would be funny to put the same name in... That's just an example to show you what kind of events tick her off and cause drama, needless justifying on my side. She was never in danger of any real problems from me, such as me cheating. We had a bit of off-and-on going on because every couple of needless fights I'd get distant from her, feeling like I must walk on eggshells around her not to accidentally say anything that she might interpret wrong. Another example, we were at a club with a friend, at some point she said let's go to a different club, because my favorite local artist was there. I agreed, but the friend didn't want to join us so we drove him home. On the way to the club she said "are we really going there?" and turns out she didn't really want to go there all of a sudden, but I was looking forward to it so I said "we'll go now that we've already agreed to go". She said she doesn't want to, I said I want to, she said "take me home then". I hate when she does that "take me home" routine so I agreed and went to drive her home, she said "you can't be serious"...long story short, she was upset at me to the point she violently left the car. Final straw was few days ago, my car was dirty and she said she loves washing cars in those self-help carwashes. We went there, she sprayed the car with foam and went to clean it with those brushes they give. I've noticed she rubs the tires and then proceeds back to windows. I simply said "sweetie, leave the tires for last because the dirt from them will dirt up the rest of the car" she said "let me do as I do, if you want to do it better, do it yourself" I said "not a big deal, just it's logical to go from top to bottom" (I can't emphasise enough how calm I was about it, it really wasn't a big deal, just thought I'd give her an advice, I didn't mind or got mad at her in any way) She said "fine, I won't clean it anymore" and left the brush on the car, with the car covered in foam, and sat on a nearby wall. I came over to her saying I didn't mean anything but a simple advice, not even constructive criticism, just advice. She refused to finish what she started, and I lost my will at that point so I just went for the water to wash off the foam. She came along, wanted to use the mini-wash, and I said, no, you said you don't want to anymore and I cleaned it myself. After that, she got in the car. I asked "so, what do we do know" really asking where are we going next/what she wants to do next. She was upset at me, saying I was rude to her and said to take her home, meaning our time together for the night was over. She quickly changed "home" to a club. She wanted to go to a club now, by herself. During the drive, things piled up to me and I told her how I felt, how she's emotionally draining and I can't do it anymore. Told her I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, she said fine and got out of the car... If this was an isolated incident I would pay no attention to it, but these situations keep happening, something so trivial gets her upset and all she does is leave, if we're in a car, she'll get out of the car, if we're somewhere on foot, she'll start walking away...just couldn't take it anymore, but a part of me wonders if I'm wrong in all this, maybe all this is normal and I just can't handle it.... Btw, I'm 21 almost, she's 22. Sorry if this is too long to read, appriciate your opinion
dreamingoftigers Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 You both, just..... Wow, what a familiar pattern. Sigh. You trigger the crap out of each other's insecurities and you're already having petty arguments. And honestly, it is totally a two-way street here. It just is. At 22 & 21 and dating for eight months.... I don't think it's worth the time and effort to try to "fix." But you (since she's not here) really need to delve into some communication books. Honestly, before you date the next one. Even a Gottman book or two on communication in a marriage like 7 Principles etc. For every time she got your "picking a fight" wrong, there's probably at least one more time where you knew that you were both going Yo scrap it out if you did "X." but it's the times where you were just trying to share or help that hurt the worst. Especially the times where you think your partner will appreciate you effort, wit, help or charm. And they shred you. On the flip side, she'd probably say you're critical or not invested or that you don't "get it." It's just another argument and no one is winning. Seems this has turned more into a competition of "whose wronger" than a relationship. It'll still hurt at the end though. Hello I've recently decided to end an 8 month relationship, but I find myself analyzing things, wondering maybe it's all my fault. I'll give a summery Fairly early in the relationship, I've noticed my girlfriend tends to get mad over smallest insignificat things. For example, we were at her friends house (another couple) hanging out and playing that game where you put a name of a celebrity on your forehead and try to guess which one are you. I wrote her a name and during the game she did a bit of cheating, so we started again with different names, only I wrote the same name, thought it's a funny trick. She couldn't find out what she was because she wouldn't guess the same name already written before. When she found out, she got furious, saying what I did was wrong, that I deliberatly did that so she can't win, that we're supposed to be a team, I sabotaged her, that she would never do that to me, etc, and later even cried about it, thinking what I did meant I only want competition and don't care for her.... Needless to say, I tried hard to explain that it was just a game, it was supposed to be fun, don't care for competition, just thought it would be funny to put the same name in... That's just an example to show you what kind of events tick her off and cause drama, needless justifying on my side. She was never in danger of any real problems from me, such as me cheating. We had a bit of off-and-on going on because every couple of needless fights I'd get distant from her, feeling like I must walk on eggshells around her not to accidentally say anything that she might interpret wrong. Another example, we were at a club with a friend, at some point she said let's go to a different club, because my favorite local artist was there. I agreed, but the friend didn't want to join us so we drove him home. On the way to the club she said "are we really going there?" and turns out she didn't really want to go there all of a sudden, but I was looking forward to it so I said "we'll go now that we've already agreed to go". She said she doesn't want to, I said I want to, she said "take me home then". I hate when she does that "take me home" routine so I agreed and went to drive her home, she said "you can't be serious"...long story short, she was upset at me to the point she violently left the car. Final straw was few days ago, my car was dirty and she said she loves washing cars in those self-help carwashes. We went there, she sprayed the car with foam and went to clean it with those brushes they give. I've noticed she rubs the tires and then proceeds back to windows. I simply said "sweetie, leave the tires for last because the dirt from them will dirt up the rest of the car" she said "let me do as I do, if you want to do it better, do it yourself" I said "not a big deal, just it's logical to go from top to bottom" (I can't emphasise enough how calm I was about it, it really wasn't a big deal, just thought I'd give her an advice, I didn't mind or got mad at her in any way) She said "fine, I won't clean it anymore" and left the brush on the car, with the car covered in foam, and sat on a nearby wall. I came over to her saying I didn't mean anything but a simple advice, not even constructive criticism, just advice. She refused to finish what she started, and I lost my will at that point so I just went for the water to wash off the foam. She came along, wanted to use the mini-wash, and I said, no, you said you don't want to anymore and I cleaned it myself. After that, she got in the car. I asked "so, what do we do know" really asking where are we going next/what she wants to do next. She was upset at me, saying I was rude to her and said to take her home, meaning our time together for the night was over. She quickly changed "home" to a club. She wanted to go to a club now, by herself. During the drive, things piled up to me and I told her how I felt, how she's emotionally draining and I can't do it anymore. Told her I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, she said fine and got out of the car... If this was an isolated incident I would pay no attention to it, but these situations keep happening, something so trivial gets her upset and all she does is leave, if we're in a car, she'll get out of the car, if we're somewhere on foot, she'll start walking away...just couldn't take it anymore, but a part of me wonders if I'm wrong in all this, maybe all this is normal and I just can't handle it.... Btw, I'm 21 almost, she's 22. Sorry if this is too long to read, appriciate your opinion
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