Really depressed... Just having a rough time.

[BrokenShades]

I am in such mental anguish and emotional pain right now. I am new to loveshack, but from what I have seen it seems like such a great, supportive and experienced community. I would appreciate your thoughts, insights and suggestions. I think I also just need some space to write for catharsis.

 

My Ex-GF broke up with me a little over a month ago, after being together for year and some change. It was a very short relationship, but I have never felt so in love with anyone as I had (and still do) with her.

 

I thought I had been in love previously, but after feeling the depth and intensity of emotion that I felt with her, it makes me think that she must have been my first (true) love. I can honestly say that I am beyond heartbroken.

 

About her: She is 4.5 years older than me (She’s 31 and I am 27), very intelligent (has a Doctorate in Cancer Biology from a top university abroad), and is incredibly beautiful (she models, professionally, part-time in one of the most competitive modeling markets in the world… and excels). She is kind, caring and sweet. She’s foreign, poly-lingual, incredibly ambitious and comes from a well off and influential family. We had great chemistry, shared the same interests, the same core and fundamental values, and want the same things out of life. I love her so, so much.

 

She is also incredibly independent (we would only see each other for a dinner and spend half day together each week… even though we only live 5 miles apart… she keeps herself VERY busy), can get pretty moody (but doesn’t project it, she just retreats to let it subside), could hold long grudges (i.e. over a month), and while very loving, she is not very physically affectionate (really, really tough childhood and teenage years). And while we were each other’s best friends, we had very different senses of humor. I know some of these things seem to directly contradict what I wrote earlier, but she pulls it off. In some respects she’s a bit of a dichotomy.

 

Me: younger, intelligent (about to start a doctoral program at a top ranked university here in the US), pretty attractive, stable emotionally, kind, very caring, bilingual, extremely ambitious, and comes from a great, incredibly loving and stable family. I am independent, but less so than her. I can’t really hold a grudge for longer than a day… it’s just not in me (I’d just prefer to work though/solve any issues). I am a little more physically affectionate than the average guy.

 

 

I’d been unhappy in the relationship for a few months. I didn’t like that we spent so little time together. The lack of physical affection was killing me. Sometimes I felt bored as she could get very quite and withdrawn. The differences in humor/playfulness just made connecting with her (when she got like this) so much harder. She could tell that I was unhappy, and this made her sad. She told me, when we broke up, that this is why she was breaking it off. Of course I pleaded with her not to end things… in retrospect, probably a mistake. I asked her if we could try and work through our differences/problems/challenges? No dice.

 

While I see, intellectually, why some of the things above are personal deal breakers… emotionally I just can’t get to the same place. My brain tells me one thing, but the heart overrides. It’s tough… really, really, really tough.

 

We’ve been in sporadic contact with each other since the breakup (mostly texts). We’ve tried to maintain our friendship. It’s important to both of us, as we both do like, respect and care for each other very, very much. Unfortunately, I’ve slowly come to the realization that this is all a bad idea. While I care about her, I care about her too much. I’m still in love with her and, though I’d like to, I can’t simply go to friendship zone so quickly (It’s the first time that I’ve ever tried –at least without a minimum half year of NC- … but she was worth it)… It’s too painful and emotionally turbulent. Tonight I called her up (after not talking for two weeks) to see how she was doing. She was very happy to hear from me, but I think she was on a date. We chatted a bit, but I very quickly realized what a mistake all of this was, and quickly but politely got off the phone. I sat with it for a bit and then sent a kind but succinct NC letter.

 

 

 

XXXXX,

 

When we spoke tonight I realized how much I miss you and how deeply I still care about you. I have not been able to let go of the fact that you are no longer a part of my life in the way that you used to be.

 

Unfortunately, this means that it is not possible for us to be friends right now. I wish this was not the case; particularly as I will be leaving the area soon. But it is the reality of the situation.

 

This also means it will be best that we not contact each other.

 

You will always have a special place in my heart. But I need to take a step back, let go and grow. I hope one day we can be friends again, because you are special to me. But right now is not that time.

 

Good luck. You will do well. I believe in you.

 

Take care XXXXX,

 

YYYYY

 

 

 

Intellectually, I know this was the right thing to do… but emotionally I am torn to pieces. It hurts so damn much. I do feel like I lost The One. I guess I also doubt, deep down inside, that I will ever find someone who I will love as much or more… someone as good or better than her. She definitely had faults (we all do), but damn she had strengths. She is a very rare one. They say there are plenty of fish in the ocean, but I can’t picture another as good as or better than her.

 

Like I said at the beginning of the post, this forum is filled with a great and supportive community. I would really appreciate your thoughts and insights.

 

Thanks

[Ale khun]

The first weeks after a BU are the hardest because you are use to be with someone and the pain and bitterness you feel it's perfectly normal, but you are the only one who can put a stop to this feeling it's hard and it's a long process but its not impossible . You talk about her like she is the perfect girl for you and that you will never going to find someone like her but IMO you can't idealize a person . Probably she is perfect but not for you or maybe not perfect for you right now . Take this BU as an opportunity to grow sometimes a BU show us what we don't want in a relationship . You mentioned that you weren't happy for a long time in the RL that's a sign that the RL wasn't working properly . I don't believe in being friends with your ex , because its hard to be friends with the one you love going NC its hard but that's the best thing you can do for you now , don't think that you are not going to find someone like her ever again when you say that you are closing all the doors in your life , it's too soon to start dating and I wouldn't recommend you to do it but when you feel ready to go back to the dating world do it with an open mind and a open heart . We've all being there a BU it's hard , and it hurts also all this pain goes away . Talk to your friends and family go out and try to keep your day busy that's a good way to slowly put the pain away . Chin up and good luck

Edited May 20, 2013 by Ale khun

[BrokenShades]

Thanks Ale. I appreciate the comments.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that she is just not right for me or, at least, right for me right now. Unfortunately, it doesn't lessen the hurt that I feel...

 

It sucks because we've shared so much together, including hopes and dreams for a future. But I guess it is what it is and I just have to take it as a opportunity for personal growth, look forward and move forward.

[aisuru]

Losing a relationship sucks, even if you know it's the right thing for you. It's hard, no way around it.

 

You listed some of your needs that were not being met. She may be a great "catch" but in the end, she wasn't meeting some of your relationship needs.

 

Trust me on this, you will find somebody who stimulates you intellectually that you see more often and who provides you the affection you obviously crave. Sounds like there were some difference in communication style, that while you were willing to work through them, might have become an issue later down the road.

 

You deserve to find somebody who meets your needs. Sounds like you've taken the right steps to begin that path.

 

Mourn the relationship, heal the hurt, and KNOW you will be okay.

[BrokenShades]

Wow...thank you Aisuru. I appreciate your comments. They really do hit home hard.

 

You're right. I guess my - individual - needs were not being met and it was enough to (appropriately) end the relationship.

 

It's challenging to lose a "catch," especially when this "catch"/your partner meets all of your wants and a significant number of your needs. It really amazes me that someone can be so well suited for you in so many ways, but just a couple of (seemingly small) personality traits are enough to end an otherwise great partnership.

 

It really makes me question, 'what makes a relationship right? What qualities make a relationship marriage worthy.' Nobody is perfect and no two people are going to be able to meet all of each other's relationship needs. Or, rather, is this actually possible? Or is it that you only "settle" when your partner meets your most important needs?

 

Thanks

[aisuru]

Wow...thank you Aisuru. I appreciate your comments. They really do hit home hard.

 

You're right. I guess my - individual - needs were not being met and it was enough to (appropriately) end the relationship.

 

It's challenging to lose a "catch," especially when this "catch"/your partner meets all of your wants and a significant number of your needs. It really amazes me that someone can be so well suited for you in so many ways, but just a couple of (seemingly small) personality traits are enough to end an otherwise great partnership.

 

It really makes me question, 'what makes a relationship right? What qualities make a relationship marriage worthy.' Nobody is perfect and no two people are going to be able to meet all of each other's relationship needs. Or, rather, is this actually possible? Or is it that you only "settle" when your partner meets your most important needs?

 

Thanks

 

I think you determine what you "need" and what you can live with. You won't have everything in just one person. It just won't happen. But relationships teach us what we need, and what's nice to have, and what are not deal breakers.

 

You and I probably feel very similar about our exes my friend. Like you, I also didn't end it when I knew I probably should have. But my life was a bit murky due to other circumstances. So I blame that.

 

It will get better.

[maturityassets]

It's still fresh just give it time. You need some no contact to get over her. Just honestly hang out with friends as much as you can. They really help you realize how much of a benefit the end of this relationship actually is for you. You said there were times you felt bored and such in the relationship, so that may be something to reflect on why was that the case. Also I'm exactly the same way, always want to work things out and I pride myself of my intellectual integrity as well, my ex though was the complete opposite. She claimed she needed time before talking about a problem and she had little care for the intellectual side of things. Now I've been hanging out and met some one new. And this girl is so much more of a match for me. She happens to be just as intelligent as me (though she keeps insisting I'm so much smarter) and is really mature. And while we are just dating for now, she understands my need of time before labeling us anything. So honestly the end of this relationship will end up being one of the best lessons for you in life, what it means to have love and to love someone as well. But you don't need her in particular to hold onto that lesson. So you need a bit of space now to move on! And it won't help to hear how she is hooking up or dating other guys even if you are doing the same thing (trust me, I thought I would be able to handle it and so would my ex but we both just got extremely jealous of the other and made things worse). So while I got closure with my ex and I wanted to make sure she never forgot me in the long run, now when I think about it, It doesn't really matter to me if she ever thinks about me ever again because that doesn't define who I am (and btw, I know my ex does think about me because she recently just tried to request me on FB, 3 weeks after I deleted her. Really could care less).

[nickkelly9]

You probably don't want to hear this but my two cents coming from the really sad sack part of this place where we are all forever alone, is this: at some point, when you aren't hurting quite so bad, stop and just appreciate the life that you live.

 

I'd kill for just one of those days with a woman like that, who I loved and who loved me back, let alone a year's worth.

 

It sounds like you have a lot going for you. So take everyone's advice here who has experience with this, and from me, someone who doesn't, just let me say that I have faith in you. It's gonna work out for you, one way or another.

[BrokenShades]

@Maturityassets- Sounds like you have a pretty good deal going. I hope I can get to the same place that you're at, emotionally, sooner rather than later.

 

I thinks it's time for me to take the lessons that I've learned, integrate and start applying them. It's painful but some really good things were learned (not what I thought I'd be learning at 27, but hey...). It's time for me to take back my personal power and work on myself a bit (grow/mature, pick up a couple of languages, work out a bit more, maybe finally learn to salsa).

 

@nickkelly9 - I hear you. It's definitely important to appreciate what you do have in life, and to really live in the moment. Something that I'll work to improve upon even further.

 

Thanks all. You've all been really helpful.

[BrokenShades]

OK...vent time. Thanks for the space loveshack:

 

She' emailing me and sending me texts updating me on her life events and requesting that I sell her a voucher for a couples mountain climbing lesson we had previously scheduled for this Sunday. One of the things that I loved about her is her, singular, ability to live in the moment and get over losses astoundingly quickly. Unfortunately that's not the norm... and it's not me. She needs to kindly bugger off and give me time to ****ing heal.

 

Vent over! Back to ignoring her texts and emails