lovesucks Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Is there anyone out there who chose to leave the OW/OM for the sake of saving the marriage and has succeeded in fixing it with your spouse? Has the relationship become better than before? Are there any couples out there who actually chose to stay in the marriage but eventually still divorce? Would like to hear your story or thoughts.
StillHurtin Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I wasn't the one who had the A, my H did. He filed for a D and as soon as I kicked him out of the house I found out about his A. I moved away w/ our children and he came back to me, wanting to work out the marriage. He said the A was the stupidest mistake he ever made, he loved me and the kids and couldn't imagine life w/o us. At first I wasn't going to try and make the M work but I decided that I couldn't let it go not knowing what the future held for us. Is my marriage better or worse after the A? I would say it is worse. Not only was my M not very strong b4 the A, but adding an A to it just made it worse. If I can give anyone advice about going back to a M that wasn't strong b4 the affair DON'T DO IT! My H promised me things would be better, and they haven't been. I love him but honestly, I can't help to think that I should of never taken him back b/c now I just have the affair adding to the problems and I have thought about filing for a D and finding a man who knows how to treat a woman. Hate to admit all this b/c I wanted me M to work, I wanted to be happy, I am not
DazednConfused Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Wife had an affair. Still working on it. Can't say where the future goes from here. But I owe it to myself to give it my best.
Sucidesurvior Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 I had an affair 13 years ago. Left my husband and lived with OM for 6 months. H eventually guilted me into moving back home with him. Our marriage is definitely far better than it ever was before. It has been hard (very hard) work though.
Author lovesucks Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 "Not only was my M not very strong b4 the A, but adding an A to it just made it worse. If I can give anyone advice about going back to a M that wasn't strong b4 the affair DON'T DO IT!" Stillhurting, how do you define "a strong marriage" ? I would believe there can't be a strong marriage if the affair happens. I would believe the reason why a spouse is having an affair is because her/his needs are not being fulfilled in the marriage for a long time and so problems already existed in the marriage before the affair. Have you tried discussing with your problems and feelings with your husband? If you are still so unhappy, are you considering a divorce? DazenConfused, did your wife drop the OM for you or the affair didn't work so she came back to you? How are you dealing with this with your wife? Does she has any anger about you not meeting her needs? How do you cope with the pain and the betrayal your wife has caused you? Sucidesurvior, I congratulate on making your marriage stronger after the affair. What did you do to help your husband get over the OW? I know it must be very hard and I really admire your courage. I would be interested in knowing what you and your husband have done in saving your marriage. Since it's your husband who had an affair, have you both made equal efforts to work on your marriage or has it been more the effort from you?
StillHurtin Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Originally posted by lovesucks "Not only was my M not very strong b4 the A, but adding an A to it just made it worse. If I can give anyone advice about going back to a M that wasn't strong b4 the affair DON'T DO IT!" Stillhurting, how do you define "a strong marriage" ? I would believe there can't be a strong marriage if the affair happens. I would believe the reason why a spouse is having an affair is because her/his needs are not being fulfilled in the marriage for a long time and so problems already existed in the marriage before the affair. Have you tried discussing with your problems and feelings with your husband? If you are still so unhappy, are you considering a divorce? My H and I were married almost 11 years b4 he had the A. I don't know how I would define anyone else's marriage to be strong, but I can define mine, and it wasn't strong. My H was, but does not admit, to being an alcholic. He drank exessively. He came home drunk almost every night. He played sports several nights a week and would go to the bar w/ his teammates and drink. When he drank, he was verbally and at rare occassionals physically abusive. I loved him, thought he would change, but he never did. After we had our 10 year annivesary and he drove the kids home drunk from a sporting event I told him he either quits drinking, seeks help for his anger problems, or me and the kids were leaving. He quit drinking (hasn't had a drink in two years) and he went to talk to his doctor who perscribed him anti-depressants. He quit taking them a few months later, said he didn't need them, he does. Yes, his needs weren't being met but how can ANY woman want to sleep w/ a man who calls her a fat ass, pig, cow, ect. THAT is when I started w/holding sex from him. We fought a lot and it didn't help I was stressed w/ my past job that I hated. A couple months b4 our 11th anniversary he told me he was tired of the fighting, knew he wasn't making me happy, and wanted to set me free so I could find a man who would treat me right. So, he filed for a D, I kicked him out, he screwed around, and then came begging me to take him back. Said he would change, promised he would change, blah, blah, blah. I love him and things have changed, a little, but I am still not being treated the way I want to be treated. I want a marriage where there is 50/50. There isn't. I want a marriage where there is respect, there isn't any here. I just want a nice, sweet, guy. My H can do and say nice, sweet things, but it doesn't happen often, only when he wants something.
Sucidesurvior Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 lovesucks, I was the one who had the affair. We had been married for 9 years and those years were very traumatic with my husband being transferred every 2 or 3 years. We had both become complacent in our marriage and my OM made me feel appreciated and alive again. When my H talked me into giving our marriage another go, I went NC with OM and my H and I both gave 100% to our marriage. 13 years later, my H rarely thinks about my infidelity and if we ever discuss it, it is as a result of me bringing up the subject. My H and I are still very much in love with one another and anyone who is unaware of my infidelity would never guess we have ever had anything but a perfect relationship.
Breathe Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 My H had a few affairs - one that resulted in a child. You want to forget the past and move forward, but it's very hard. For the both of us, this child will always be a reminder of how he did this family wrong. Much of my life has been floating in limbo wondering if things will get better - can we ever get past this - and so on. It's become a waiting game that goes back and forth on a daily basis. You can only hope for the best, but prepare yourself for the worst.
DazednConfused Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Good morning love; DazenConfused, did your wife drop the OM for you or the affair didn't work so she came back to you? How are you dealing with this with your wife? Does she has any anger about you not meeting her needs? How do you cope with the pain and the betrayal your wife has caused you? Wife ended the affair a few months before I found out. Guilt and full knowledge that our marriage was good made her try to end it. She feels that disclosure was made by him in an attempt to get back at her for ending it. She never had any plans of leaving our marriage for this other guy. I am dealing as best I can. That's about all i can say to that. Open and honest discussion is the key. The only anger here is mine. In four months of self and professional therapy, we have not identified needs that were not met by me. We have, however uncovered a few of my needs that have never been met. I can say with confidence that I was and am a damn good husband. I think self-help books and articles focus a little too much on "unmet needs". While they are a valid point, it is not the end all/be all reason for affairs. Humans get bored. Humans feel attraction. Humans make mistakes. Humans sometimes do things that we know are wrong for us, even when we don't really know why. We do things that are against our better judgement for any number of reasons. Among my wife's reasons were self-esteem, boredom, reaffirmation of youth and attractiveness, dissatisfaction with her role in family has changed, and more than I want to type here. None of these things are a reflection upon me, nor my actions within the marriage. I cope as best I can. I feel betrayed, hurt, rage, pity, anxious, resentment..... you name it. The thing is, my ife and I have loved each other since the day we met. It hasn't been all roses and sunshine for 17 years, but we will not throw away all we have for each other over a mistake. We all make mistakes, some are bigger than others, but a mistake all the same. I feel what i feel, while my wife deals with guilt, regret, and the knowledge that she has forever damaged my faith and trust in her. It's a long road back and beyond, but god willing, we will get there. -Dazed
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Dazed. I really am hoping many learn from you and really read all that you say. I know you have had a HUGE effect on me and maybe stopped me from making a HORRIBLE MISTAKE. I can't thankyou enough for that Dazed. I know when I came into this place I had one thing in my head. Now I am across the field and in a much better place. I KNEW I was never going to leave my hubby...Yes life isn't perfect, we make mistakes...We all need to be touched, desired, wanted and felt needed and loved. Some of that was missing...But it wasn't all him, some of it was because of me. My anxiety disorder changed me and made ME feel bad about myself. He just didn't console me, tell me I'm still beautiful. It hurt alot, but I never once doubted his love for me, not once. He isn't perfect and neither am I. Not by a long shot! I realized somethings recently, the past week and a half about myself. What it really is that I've been missing too is the daily interaction with PEOPLE. That daily contact, joking around with co-workers, harmless bantering back and forth... Those little things really make you FEEL GOOD about yourself...Not in a sexual way, but it's contact, its' joking around and laughing, having fun. That is not in my life right now as I am not able to work (Will be doing some volunteer work soon, so things will improve even more) until I get this whole anxiety disorder more under control. All those little interactions with people throughout your day, builds up into nice energy and makes you feel good. You carry it around you all day, come home feeling happy...I didn't have any of that in the last few years...I got lower emotionally and felt very alone. Missed that human daily contact. So when I joined an anxiety site and met some online friends, mostly girls who have become so important to me, we talk on a daily basis and help eachother out!! It's nice. But I did connect with a guy, a really special person. He was there for me, listened to me. Neither of us ever had any intention of leaving our lives...We both had the same kind of problems at home though and it brought us together. Yes, we crossed the line. Yes, feelings were there right from the start. It was NOT planned, neither of us went looking for it, IT was just there the first time we spoke, I felt it, he felt it. We talked about it all, what it meant. Flirted abit too much but we both FELT GOOD. Now it has settled down into a really nice friendship. My hubby knows I talk to him. He has no problem with it, he feels if this person is helping me and all then that is a good thing. Sorry, I got side tracked abit... I guess what I am trying to say too, Dazed said it...It wasn't HIM. Something in HER was missing...Like with me, it was partially both of us, but mostly ME... How I was feeling inside. I am happy and love my life. There is nothing wrong with having friends to help you out along the way...Just don't get carried away with fantasties and that 'the grass is greener on the otherside' stuff, cuz it ain't. I do know that, I didn't have to get on a plane fly down, find this guy and experience all that...I do know what I have and I don't ever intend to throw it away.
DazednConfused Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Thank you for your compliments WW! This is not an easy time for me, and I think you know that. I come here for somewhat selfish reasons; it helps me to try to help others. I know that in some of my posts I let too much of my own issues get in, but hell, I'm human too. My thoughts are just that, my thoughts. I place them here in the hopes of just what has happened for you... that someone in the position of hurting someone else will think again by feeling my experience. I know you love your husband; I also know that you are lacking some things from him. I guess my overall point is that if you don't ask, you won't get. People can't just turn away and look elsewhere without exhausting the possibilities within their marriages. Not w/o destroying someone else in the process. Too many people take hurtful action without even allowing their spouse a chance to fix anything. The old... "If I can help just one person...." Mission accomplished! Next victim? ..... er.... i mean ...... patient..... um .... poster! yeah! -Dazed
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Thanks for that. It's so true. I don't have a desire to pursue anything with my online buddy. He's just that. I can't deny I feel for him, so I won't try and hide that one...It's like trying to hide the scent of a fart in the elevator!! CAN'T BE DONE!!! LOL. No but seriously, it has calmed down and turned into a really nice friendship. I like that. That is all it is and ever will be. HMMM...Next victim...Please take a step forward!
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Ever tried it??? It's Funny. Thing is make sure there are LOTS of people in there cuz if it's only one or two...Hmm, basically you're screwed and they all KNOW it's you!!! HEHEHEHEHE!! NOW that's funny!!
only1life Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 DazednConfused, I'm in the same position, pretty much, except it has only been 1 month as of last night, and we had 25 great years before she wandered. And I found an email by mistake and confronter her with it, until then she was trying to hide it, but I could tell something was eating her, and they were still very much in love (that hurts to face, but I have to!) I agree with you 100%! In our case, it has been working, but EXTREMELY hard on the emotions! She has cut off their connection, and has been very willing to work things out between us. And all I can pick up for her excuse is little things that don't make sense, so I suspect that it wasn't really me so much as her own inadequacy and her wanting a thrill, although the counciller (female) keeps going back to her side. But I have been reading a lot on my own, and that helps. Sad to read these posts that claim that years and years after the fact, there's still a lot of pain. But Nice to hear that many of them felt the rebuilding process was worth it. I just wonder when I'll be able to sleep more than a couple hours at night, and even then, wake up not feeling sick again. The pain in the stomach has gone down to a feeling of thumbtacks instead of the initial spikes, but still lingers on. I do have a lot of hope, because she is also trying her best to fix things, and I believe we can. It would be much worse if we didn't have each other to make ourselves feel better! Love brings forgiveness. And communication and forgiveness are the keys.
Author lovesucks Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 I guess, in my case, my husband is having an affair for 6 months with the OW he works with, not until the affair started in April my husband then told me all the problems he thinks there has been between us over the last 7 years. He basically blamed me for transforming him into a different person who has no more self-esteem and confidence. I was only shocked and devastated to have found out about these problems. He said he is responsible for having not communicating the problems to me and bear with them himself and even married me 3 years ago. He thinks he has little responsibilities for the doom of our marriage and he holds me responsible for most part of it (lack of emotional care, respect and sex). He claims I didn't do enough and as if I am the one to blame for the unhappiness he endured for the past 7 years. Now 6 months later, my husband tried separating with this OW twice but every time he failed. The OW now has given him the ultalrutam (excuse my spelling mistake). My husband told me that after 6 months he is very attached to the OW and she is the love of his life and that he has never loved anyone else like this in his life before (including me), his relationship has been going so well for them and his heart tells him he wants to be with her. But the only reason he would leave her is that he also sees hope in our marriage and he still loves me (though he said not as much as he loves her but he thinks his love for me will grow back slowly if I continue making the effort to stick with the positive changes I made since 6 months ago) and he wants to try working on our marriage. He said if he comes back to me that would mean he will be in great pain to sacrifice the love of his life for saving our marriage and that he will need my support. He told me he feels guilty and more responsible for getting the OW involved and made her believe that he would be with her one day but now he says he is considering to give his marriage another try. The affair has put me through an extremely painful and traumatic emotional roller coaster ride and honestly he has destroyed all the trust and respect I have for him (you can pretty much tell from what he said above & I won't go into more details). I don't even think he feels much remorse about having the affair by continuing with it in front of my open eyes. 6 months ago I still thought I loved this man but I am not sure anymore what this feeling is that I have left for him and I am not sure what he's got for me is still love (though he claims he does love me). He keeps telling me even she is the love of his life, but it doesn't mean that he won't be happy with me in the future if he sees hope. Now he says he would like to come back to me and I don't know if I want to believe him anymore. I doubt his sincerity and I don't know if it is worth another try, given the way how he has treated me since the affair began. I am afraid he will take me for granted in the future and hold me responsible for his happiness again if something goes wrong. Honestly I feel emotionally drained and too tired to try. The thing is, how can I ever trust him again?
Ladyjane14 Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 But the only reason he would leave her is that he also sees hope in our marriage and he still loves me (though he said not as much as he loves her but he thinks his love for me will grow back slowly if I continue making the effort to stick with the positive changes I made since 6 months ago) and he wants to try working on our marriage. He said if he comes back to me that would mean he will be in great pain to sacrifice the love of his life for saving our marriage and that he will need my support. That is unvarnished, emotional blackmail!
Author lovesucks Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 One more thing, how can I ever trust that he will be done with the OW? They work together in the same office. He sees her 3 times a week at the office. The company is so small there is no chance for a transfer and I know for a fact that he does not want to quit the job he likes. Do you honestly believe it is possible to have no emotional attachment even he is willing to cut off all ties except seeing the OW in the office? How can I trust him?
Ladyjane14 Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Do you honestly believe it is possible to have no emotional attachment even he is willing to cut off all ties except seeing the OW in the office? Nope. How can I trust him? You can't.
DazednConfused Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Love, You have your hands full don't you? Man, it just bugs the he** outta me when a wayward spouse says crap like he is saying to you. I am all for honesty, but he is trying to manipulate the situation and get all he can from you in the process. Are you and he in counseling? Not that I really believe in that stuff, but it is a nice place to have a calm and impartial mediator to consult with. Jmargel, god love him, is going to jump on here any second now and bash me for that. Sorry J This man married you, made vows before God and family, broke those vows willingly and forever jeopardized everything the two of you have worked for; and he blames you. Says it's your fault. Bah! None of the things you mentioned above is an excuse for infidelity. He basically blamed me for transforming him into a different person who has no more self-esteem and confidence. I was only shocked and devastated to have found out about these problems. He said he is responsible for having not communicating the problems to me and bear with them himself and even married me 3 years ago. He thinks he has little responsibilities for the doom of our marriage and he holds me responsible for most part of it (lack of emotional care, respect and sex). He claims I didn't do enough and as if I am the one to blame for the unhappiness he endured for the past 7 years. Yeah, and I bet he didn't feel any of these issues until he started up w/ the chick from work. they get to talking and comparing; pretty soon you are a drooling snot nosed 600 pound super ogre who's only purpose in life seems to be making him miserable. Bah! Affairs are a fantasy world. The affair partners only see each other at their best; they get showered and dressed and out into the world. they have not experienced morning breath, the flu, hangovers, screaming children, etc. Pretty nice world, but it will have to get real for them too. That is why most of the time affair partners cannot make a lasting relationship. Those rose colored glasses quickly fade. I wish I had advice for you, I really don't. many people here will be very sure about what you should do with your life; but the fact is, we don't have all the facts. Only you know what you want deep down. Only you know your heart. Decide what that is and go get it. Oh! And don't let him snow you into thinking you somehow caused this to happen. You have enough emotional stresses, the least he can do is shoulder all of the guilt on his own. I truly wish you luck. -Dazed
only1life Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Doesn't it just totally suck when the wandering partner says the affair "happened" because of things that the relationship lacked, but the hurt partner didn't even realize were a problem? 25 years, and my wife now says she fell in love with someone else to fullfill all the things I did not do right. She had the time and energy to go out and find a lover, but not enough energy to even tell me how unhappy she was. It totally stinks!! (Sorry, I just had to get that off my mind!)
Author lovesucks Posted October 4, 2004 Author Posted October 4, 2004 Yes, only1life, I don't understand it either. I guess I may never be able to figure this out. The hurt feels actually like, you are enjoying a walk with your spouse in a sunny day and all in a sudden he/she stabbed a knife to your heart and he/she watches you bleeding to death....I know it is a cruel description but this is exactly how I have been feeling for 6 months..... My H said he tried hinting to me he was not happy in our marriage. I WAS aware that he wasn't happy but we both thought that it was our stressful life & jobs we had in a foreign country. He never mentioned anything to me in the last 7 years he had a problem with ME. We have been together for 14 years, married for 3 years and 1.5 year ago I left my job, my family, my friends, everything I built back home to come to Paris with him alone and I was looking forward to starting a family with him. Now I keep asking, if he could not put up with me then "Why did he still marry me?", "Why did he wait 6 months for me in Paris alone and welcome me at the airport with open arms and loving kisses?" "Why did he not talk to me?" "How could I be so blind?" I have so many questions I can't find answers to. I never, EVER suspected one second my marriage, my future, my LIFE could just fall apart, not like this, not in only 6 months. Dazeds, you ask me to follow what I know in my heart. I know for a fact that the OW is too much for him to give up. He feels as if he would lose the whole world if he loses her and that he would never find anyone as perfect as she is. At the same time, he claims he wants to work things out with me, after seeing I have poured all my energies in the passed 6 months to improve my shortcomings, he said he still sees hope in our marriage and he wants to try et....... The thing is, I know deep in my heart, his heart is GONE. His actions never justify what he says to me. I feel that he is forcing himself to stay in our marriage but he doesn't want to admit it. This is why I don't want to try any longer. I have realized that no matter what I do, as long as the OW is still in our life, her presence will suck out all the effort I have made at the other end. He is so hopelessly in love with her that he can't pull back his emotions. The issue is no longer about fixing our problems anymore. I have realized he never has been willing to or wanted to face our problems. He is so addicted to the OW and he cannot break away. I have an answer in my heart for a while but twice I have brought up leaving him, he refused. He still does not let me go. He doesn't accept I am the one who call it quit. He will come back tomorrow after taking a one week break supposedly to tell me "a final decision". But I spoke to him this morning by phone and I can't believe after all he still is unable to say what he wants. You know what, he says things like "I will try to make a decision when I come back"."I will try to talk to her but I don't know if I can.". What kind of crap is this? I don't understand it. I just want it to end. If it's about afraid of being dumped and he wants to be THE ONE to dump so he can feel less hurt then JUST DO SO. I am all prepared for it. I am getting really tired and sick of this F*** mess! I have a feeling that he just wants to buy himself more time to find me a GOOD/ ACCEPTABLE reason he is justified to leave his wife for another woman. I have a feeling that he wants to HONOR me with more offenses and excuses so he can leave his wife without feeling sorry or guilty.
only1life Posted October 5, 2004 Posted October 5, 2004 Lovesucks, I feel for you. I doubt I could have lasted like you have. You are one strong person! In my case, she came back to me, after trying to hide her affair for about 6 weeks, (but I could tell there was something wrong) and I had some hint which I confronted her with. At that, point, she had been trying to get our lives back together, but it wasn't working because she felt unable to live both sides at the same time. Well, when it all came out, finally, I agreed to forgive (I had to, I'm not perfect either) but only if she severed all connections with the lover, and she agreed, after "one last phone call, to allow closure." Well, it has been hard, very hard, but I'm thinking it is working. I have been able to trust her enough when she says they haven't been in contact, so at least I don't have that issue. I don't know how you can put up with that. There have been lots of questions, and we get through it all by talking about everything, and I mean everything. She is still a little slow at saying things sometimes, but as time goes on, she is seeing that the talking is helping me, and that makes her more willing to continue. The knife you describe is still in my heart, but we're working on that also. She knows she put it there. I still don't give a lot of credence to all that "I've been unhappy for years stuff." What did she expect, a perfect life forever, without her working towards it also? I was dumb enough to think we had a great relationship, and how did she figure she could go elsewhere for some things and still use me for the rest? Lots of questions, but I think I'm lucky enough that we can talk and work through all this. I hope so anyway. I hope you can find a way through your difficult time as well. It won't be easy. If he won't commit to you, and only you, for the rest of your lives, then do you think it is worth prolonging the inevitable? True love requires 100% commitment between two people. There's no room for anyone else! You're a great person, you deserve a true relationship, not a shared half of one! Want a great book to read? "After the Affair" by Spring, a cheap paperback that really was accurate, and helped me to understand what happened to me, plus gave some great ways to think through the desicions you are making which will effect the rest of your life. Decide what you want and need in life, and go for it. Good luck to you. Take care.
VivianLee Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 Is there still a marriage after an affair? Take a plate- let it represent trust- now break it Take a plate- let it represent your vows- break it Take enough plates to represent your years together- break them Take a plate to represent what you thought the future was going to hold for you- break it Take a plate and let it represent your thoughts on love- break it Now these plates are broken in a way that you can glue them back together (all edges are even)....think about the time, the effort (trying to fit the pieces back together as they once were)......the plates can all be fixed, they just won't ever look the same and they won't be the same plates they were before you broke them....you may have to resort to new plates (representing a new outlook on your marriage and spouse).....whatever you do... ...it's won't be an easy road but no one said life was easy....
only1life Posted October 6, 2004 Posted October 6, 2004 And even when you start glueing the plates together, and you start stacking them back into a life you can live again, sometimes one of the plates falls and breaks again. So you pick up the pieces and get back to work, because if you don't. you'll have no plates. Could you please pass me the glue?
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