My Clingy Girlfriend (Long)

[CollegeGuy20]

I will attempt to be brief. My girlfriend and I started dating in High-school, senior year. She is my very first girlfriend ever, but we hit it off pretty fast. In only about two months time, she told me she loved me. Although I wasn't sure at the time, I told her I loved her too. When it came time for college, she got into an Ivy-league, with tens of thousands worth in scholarships, and I had gotten into a "token" intelligent university, but chose the much cheaper option of state university. Much to my surprise, my girlfriend opted out of going to the Ivy-league and decided to go to the state university with me instead, where she received no scholarships (she had applied after the scholarship deadline), despite having to work a job to make it through university and recent financial problems in her family. After a daunting long-distance summer relationship, we went to college together. Every moment we could possibly spend together, we did. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I almost sacrificed my 4.0 GPA, and I most definitely sacrificed my sleep to cater to her emotional needs. Now it is summer again.

 

I was wonderful to her. I treated her with gifts, lavished her with attention, and worked very hard to impress her family. We would go to her parents house every weekend. Having had a string of not-so-great boyfriends in the past, she clung to me. Our relationship advanced very fast. Too fast. Early in the summer, I jokingly (and now regretfully) said that perhaps we could get engaged sometime soon. What I expected in return was a laugh and a sarcastic remark to counter my own, but what I received was a 'delighted' gasp, and a relentless desire to be formally committed to each other. Not long after that, I purchased and gifted her a "promise ring". If I had gone back on my remark, she would have felt heartbroken, betrayed. You see, with my girlfriend, any slight backward movement (or just a lack of forward movement) in our relationship results in her perceiving drastic backward movement. This has caused a communication gap to form between us. She believes that our relationship is peachy-keen, but I am much less content. A similar sting of events occurred when she asked to live with me this upcoming academic year. Having dated for just over a year, and only being 19, I thought it a bit severe. Initially, I said yes, tentatively. Much to my delight, though, the apartments we were wanting to rent out did not allow males and females to live in the same unit. I saw an easy way out, but she stayed vigilant, and took actions as if we both wanted to live together regardless of where. Eventually, I got up the nerve to deny her. She would not accept it. It took me three separate occasions before she finally understood that I did not want to live with her.

 

My girlfriend is cute, intelligent, and very caring. However, she is also very clingy, over-emotional, and childish. Since I had never dated before, I thought that she would make a great first girlfriend, and then we would part ways when it came time for college. Dragging out the relationship this long has had its toll. I am no longer interested in her emotionally, intellectually, or sexually. Our incompatibilities are much greater than our compatibilities. She hates it when I engage in any activity that does not involve her (even video games or exercising). She does not approve of me spending time with my friends. I am very logical, whereas she is irrational and spontaneous. Despite my continued extreme fidelity, she worries about me cheating. Despite my continued compliments, she worries that I'm not attracted to her. I have known for a while now that I do not want to marry her, and that I don't feel like continuing the relationship. But since she gave up the Ivy-league and the money to be with me, and she is very attached to me, I feel that it would be terrible of me to break up with her, regardless of how I feel. She has told me that she really does need me, that she could never be truly happy without me, and so far these justifications have been enough to fuel my continued compliance.

 

Recently, though, I have become tired of our emulated relationship. I feel as if there is a whole world out there that I have not even seen, and if I stay with her, I will always be left to speculation. I've never been very sexually attracted to her, but now I have begun to dread our sexual encounters. She is very childish, often talking in a small child's voice and sometimes she almost acts as if I'm her father. I would love to just be open with her, as I am being here, but being open with her about anything even slightly negative results in severe over-reaction, and usually cessation of actual communication. When I'm open with her, she stops being open with me. What I'm getting at is: Am I justified in feeling the way I do? Am I a terrible person for wanting to leave this girl, or at least considering it? Am I just going through a phase, and at the other side is a realization that I've found "the one"? What should I do? What do you think of all of this?

 

Thank you for reading this wall of text! Your thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated. If you require any additional information in order to better fully answer my question(s), feel free to ask.

[dreamingoftigers]

I cannot underline this enough. You NEED to assert yourself. In life, in relationships, everywhere. Ugh. Do you ever need to.

 

So you thought she was a quick "first-girlfriend" and she's given up tens of thousands in scholarships to be by you and thinks you are getting married. Soonish.

 

You find her clingy (yeah, she is.) not attractive to you anymore and you aren't really all that into her.

 

You don't want to say anything because she will "overreact" and "Cease communication."

 

Seriously, she's been with you every spare moment, over-investing in a relationship that she's very protective of and you haven't called foul on. OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO "OVER-REACT."

 

And really, you do need to cease communication.

 

Feel bad. Go through it. Just get through it. Be nice about breaking it off but underline that you really, really didn't assert yourself AT ALL here. That you really did lead her to believe that there was more to you guys than there was and that you really didn't intend for it to go this far but that YOU HAVE SOME THINGS TO LEARN about boundaries and asserting yourself. Seriously. Yesterday.

 

No one truly, deeply wants to be with someone that is only with them out of guilt. Your girlfriend wouldn't want that either. She may use it, she may present it, but really: no one wants that to be the be all and end all in a relationship.

 

IF she wants the feedback as to why things aren't working for you such as clingy, smothering, child's voice etc. give that to her. Otherwise break up and take responsibility for YOUR FEELINGS AND INVOLVEMENT instead of placing blame on her for your inaction.

 

Honestly, if you don't learn to assert yourself in relationships, you will either end up repeating the EXACT SAME PATTERN with another girl OR you'll just end up cheating because those who cheat are often those who do not express their dissatisfaction in a relationship or raise issues to try to fix.

 

I will attempt to be brief. My girlfriend and I started dating in High-school, senior year. She is my very first girlfriend ever, but we hit it off pretty fast. In only about two months time, she told me she loved me. Although I wasn't sure at the time, I told her I loved her too. When it came time for college, she got into an Ivy-league, with tens of thousands worth in scholarships, and I had gotten into a "token" intelligent university, but chose the much cheaper option of state university. Much to my surprise, my girlfriend opted out of going to the Ivy-league and decided to go to the state university with me instead, where she received no scholarships (she had applied after the scholarship deadline), despite having to work a job to make it through university and recent financial problems in her family. After a daunting long-distance summer relationship, we went to college together. Every moment we could possibly spend together, we did. I stopped hanging out with my friends, I almost sacrificed my 4.0 GPA, and I most definitely sacrificed my sleep to cater to her emotional needs. Now it is summer again.

 

I was wonderful to her. I treated her with gifts, lavished her with attention, and worked very hard to impress her family. We would go to her parents house every weekend. Having had a string of not-so-great boyfriends in the past, she clung to me. Our relationship advanced very fast. Too fast. Early in the summer, I jokingly (and now regretfully) said that perhaps we could get engaged sometime soon. What I expected in return was a laugh and a sarcastic remark to counter my own, but what I received was a 'delighted' gasp, and a relentless desire to be formally committed to each other. Not long after that, I purchased and gifted her a "promise ring". If I had gone back on my remark, she would have felt heartbroken, betrayed. You see, with my girlfriend, any slight backward movement (or just a lack of forward movement) in our relationship results in her perceiving drastic backward movement. This has caused a communication gap to form between us. She believes that our relationship is peachy-keen, but I am much less content. A similar sting of events occurred when she asked to live with me this upcoming academic year. Having dated for just over a year, and only being 19, I thought it a bit severe. Initially, I said yes, tentatively. Much to my delight, though, the apartments we were wanting to rent out did not allow males and females to live in the same unit. I saw an easy way out, but she stayed vigilant, and took actions as if we both wanted to live together regardless of where. Eventually, I got up the nerve to deny her. She would not accept it. It took me three separate occasions before she finally understood that I did not want to live with her.

 

My girlfriend is cute, intelligent, and very caring. However, she is also very clingy, over-emotional, and childish. Since I had never dated before, I thought that she would make a great first girlfriend, and then we would part ways when it came time for college. Dragging out the relationship this long has had its toll. I am no longer interested in her emotionally, intellectually, or sexually. Our incompatibilities are much greater than our compatibilities. She hates it when I engage in any activity that does not involve her (even video games or exercising). She does not approve of me spending time with my friends. I am very logical, whereas she is irrational and spontaneous. Despite my continued extreme fidelity, she worries about me cheating. Despite my continued compliments, she worries that I'm not attracted to her. I have known for a while now that I do not want to marry her, and that I don't feel like continuing the relationship. But since she gave up the Ivy-league and the money to be with me, and she is very attached to me, I feel that it would be terrible of me to break up with her, regardless of how I feel. She has told me that she really does need me, that she could never be truly happy without me, and so far these justifications have been enough to fuel my continued compliance.

 

Recently, though, I have become tired of our emulated relationship. I feel as if there is a whole world out there that I have not even seen, and if I stay with her, I will always be left to speculation. I've never been very sexually attracted to her, but now I have begun to dread our sexual encounters. She is very childish, often talking in a small child's voice and sometimes she almost acts as if I'm her father. I would love to just be open with her, as I am being here, but being open with her about anything even slightly negative results in severe over-reaction, and usually cessation of actual communication. When I'm open with her, she stops being open with me. What I'm getting at is: Am I justified in feeling the way I do? Am I a terrible person for wanting to leave this girl, or at least considering it? Am I just going through a phase, and at the other side is a realization that I've found "the one"? What should I do? What do you think of all of this?

 

Thank you for reading this wall of text! Your thoughts and advice would be greatly appreciated. If you require any additional information in order to better fully answer my question(s), feel free to ask.

[dreamingoftigers]

You are wasting both your time with this nonsense and should've told her your short-term intentions before she dropped her Ivy-League chance to follow you.

 

It wasn't smart on her part, but she obviously had different ideas than you do.

[CollegeGuy20]

Dreamingoftigers, thank you for your response! I definitely understand where you're coming from, and I most definitely need to work on asserting myself within relationships. When she decided to go to the state school, she did so spontaneously, without consulting me or anyone else. If she had asked me what to do, I would have urged her to go to the Ivy-league. After making the irreversible decision, however, I couldn't just throw it in her face that I hadn't planned for our relationship to go further than high-school. At very least, it was a very big decision, and, up to that point, I was enjoying our relationship. I have made moves to confront her (like with the apartment situation), but to no or very little avail. She finally accepted the apartment situation only when the application deadline had passed.

 

Thank you again for your advice! I will take it to heart. (I know I still have a whole lot to learn about relationships).

[Sunshine87]

Hi there,

 

Quite a sad story. Your girlfriend sounds like a nice girl but I wish she knew what I wish I knew when I was her age: Very few people who got together at young ages (between 16 yrs and 19yrs) stay together and get married and e even if they do, they split up for a while. I know of only one couple who didn't split up. They met during the first year of college and have been together ever since. Then recently got engaged but i worry sometimes for the boy because he had no previous sexual experience before he met this girl. Does this mean that he will have sex with only ONE girl in his entire life?

 

Anyway, you're young. You have a lot to explore. Women tend to mature a lot faster than men so it's not uncommon to find a 19year old girl already planning or talking about marriage. Whether or not she is actual ready or mature enough for a marriage is another issue entirely. But they envisage and anticipate it anyway.

 

No, you're not an evil person for feeling this way. However, if I were you, i would've convinced her against turning down the ivy league offer. That is one of the BIGGEST mistakes that young loves make. They make life changing sacrifices for short term relationships because of what they believe is love. Turning down the ivy league university was a big sacrifice that she will never forget. But what is done, is done.

 

Your relationship can only go on for so long. Eventually you will split. This is inevitable. You will either meet someone else you're attracted to or desire to have more sex vis-a-vis casual relationships. You are at your peak and unfortunately for your girlfriend, entitled to play the field or explore.

 

I'm female and I remember a heartbreak I went through when I was close to her age (19-20). I thoughtbwe were going to get married lol but the guy was young! I wish I knew back then, that the breakup had nothing to do with me, but with the reality of life. A young guy often needs some time to "find himself".

 

My Dad said once said that I shouldn't get into a serious relationship with a guy who was still in university. I now understand why. Sometimes, the relationships work out but too many times, women invest too much emotionally and mentally into relationships that are likely to end after a few years.

 

I really dont know what to say to you: but whatever you do, ensure that you make her understand that you need to live your life and have other experiences and a a result it has nothing to do with her (although this is a par lie). She will be devastated. She will be heartbroken. I hope she doesn't do anything drastic like threaten to commit suicide. But be prepared for the worst.

If you were older, i would've recommended that you allay your fears and concerns to her/ have an open discussion with her inorder to try to work through the issues. But you are so young! No point.

[serial muse]

Yikes. I agree with DOT - you should break up with her, STAT.

 

This reminds me of the story of one of my best friends - she got into a really excellent college but her high school BF didn't, and so at the last minute she abandoned her scholarship to go to the same school he was at.

 

After a year, they broke up because he had really just been stringing her along and she didn't get it, and while it was miserable for her, she also had enough time to get her act together and focus on her studies again, eventually graduating with high honors.

 

My point is, do yourself AND HER a favor and cut this off, now now now now now. I get that she's kind of threatened you with the "I can't live without you" thing, and that's awful and childish. But the truth is that staying together isn't doing her any favors, because it's abundantly clear that you have no intention of ever marrying her. And it's equally clear that she really doesn't know that.

 

She should. And she should know it yesterday. I'm not saying it will be easy, but it is unequivocally the right thing to do for everyone involved. She will never break up with you and make this easy on you; why would she? It's not what she wants. So you will have to be the one to do it. You've been avoiding this, but it's time to get it done.

 

That's what college is all about, after all - life lessons.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreamingoftigers, thank you for your response! I definitely understand where you're coming from, and I most definitely need to work on asserting myself within relationships. When she decided to go to the state school, she did so spontaneously, without consulting me or anyone else. If she had asked me what to do, I would have urged her to go to the Ivy-league. After making the irreversible decision, however, I couldn't just throw it in her face that I hadn't planned for our relationship to go further than high-school. At very least, it was a very big decision, and, up to that point, I was enjoying our relationship. I have made moves to confront her (like with the apartment situation), but to no or very little avail. She finally accepted the apartment situation only when the application deadline had passed.

 

Thank you again for your advice! I will take it to heart. (I know I still have a whole lot to learn about relationships).

 

And obviously she's a pretty insecure kind of soul. DO NOT get to the blaming part of the conversation AND do it soon because it is summer and that gives her time in between school to get over it OR seek the help she needs to OR move home or whatever to cope. Instead of crashing her grades if it happens during school.

 

Poor girl. Not that she was perfect or anything, but man this is going to slice and dice.

 

Don't let this happen again.......

 

Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend isn't bad, they have one on dating too.

 

If you are not religious, ignore the references. (I am not a mainstream Christian so I take it with a grain of salt, otherwise still a great publication)

 

Best of luck

[dreamingoftigers]

Another thing... (oh, watch me thread-cling on the Clingy Thread now)....

 

Because you didn't assert yourself earlier on, she doesn't have an accurate picture of who you are. As far as she knows, you are happy to make her happy and reassure her about her insecurities. She's filled in the blanks you've given her and right now you probably seem pretty close to perfect. It's really going to blind-side her.

 

My ex-fiancee was the same. (And yes he totally proposed). I dated him between the ages 25-27. I was his first girlfriend. He and I are both Mormons, and Mormons tend to marry quickly. Well, we were together over 2.5 years and he bailed SIX WEEKS before we were supposed to be married. He even moved cities. Talk about damage.

 

Yes I was an over-emotional and clingy girl BUT I didn't know it at the time either LOL. Some of those things only come with life lessons. I grieved that loss for quite some time very deeply because I truly thought that he was my "soulamate" BUT in retrospect, I couldn't have known him enough to see it coming. There were other things he had bailed on, and under pressure he would crack down. I also know that if he would have shown me more of who HE was and how HE wanted things to be, I wouldn't have felt so all of a sudden lost, and that I had lost someone I had a deep, special understanding with.

 

He just went along with things, and couldn't stop because he felt bad. (This was revealed to me later). I didn't want him to just pity me. I wanted him to love me, but if not him: I wanted to be genuinely loved and cherished. Not a BURDEN on the person who was supposed to (in theory) care for me the most.

 

It is truly going to take her awhile to understand. After you break up, go NO CONTACT. Do not see if she wants to "be friends" or "double date" or ring her to see if she's "doing okay."

 

The quicker she can't use emotion to draw you back in, the quicker she will cycle through it. Sad but true. GO THROUGH THE BAD FEELINGS YOURSELF. And it will feel pretty bad. Worse than you are expecting most likely. Just do it.

[Treasa]

I'm putting the blame squarely on you. You knew she was clingy, and yet you "jokingly" mentioned getting married and then you were surprised when she didn't respond sarcastically? Come on. That's ridiculous and you know it.

 

You've led this girl along, clingy or not. You're responsible not for her, but for your own actions.

 

I feel so bad for your girlfriend. She sounds young enough to not be aware of what she's doing, and you're going to absolutely blindside her.

[CollegeGuy20]

Thank you all for the responses! Treasa, I believe you misunderstand me. For one, my sarcasm is pretty obvious, and she is intelligent. There isn't a single other time that I can recall her mistaking my sarcasm for sincerity. In addition, we had been dating for only 4 months... We both knew that I was, in a way, asking her what she felt about it without actually asking the question. Since both her mother and her grandmother (two important women in her life) had married very young, I needed to know how she felt. Perhaps that was wrong of me. The issue at hand isn't the promise ring, it's the relationship as a whole and our seemingly inevitable communication failures. It still doesn't answer my questions. Thanks again for the responses!

[crederer]

She sounds like a nice girl albeit insecure.

 

If you don't see it going anywhere you need to tell her. Giving her the reasons why will likely hurt at first but she will respect it in the long run. Don't do the "it's not you, it's me" routine, because I've been there and I can tell you that messes with a person more than a straight forward and honest answer.

 

Basically, I'd tell her pretty much exactly what you've said in this thread (minus the not being physically attracted to her, that part could be left out for the sake of her self esteem).

[jeni45667]

What a big mistake for giving up Ivy-League for a relationship! I feel very bad and sorry for her. I hope she learns from this, once she gets a taste of reality after college. Giving up an educational opportunity for a guy is never worth it.

 

I was engaged to a surgeon who works in the middle of nowhere. I could have settled there and be a doctor's wife. But I wanted to reach my full potential in life and I'm happy with my decision.

[jeni45667]

If possible, help her transfer to an Ivy League. Clearly you don't want her and it's not fair for her to sacrifice and stay at the state school.

[CollegeGuy20]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! I would really like to know if the relationship can be salvageable. Is talking to her about everything a good idea, or would it be better for both of us to just break it off?

[ITw]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! I would really like to know if the relationship can be salvageable. Is talking to her about everything a good idea, or would it be better for both of us to just break it off?

 

No sadly it's not salvageable. You're way, way, way past that point honey. You're not a terrible person. You will be a terrible person if you continue this mess of a relationship. It would be extremely cruel to do that. End it now.

[na49]

I agree with everyone else that you need to put the blame on yourself for not communicating your wants right away. Instead of blaming all of the problems you have on her. This is who she is, and if you don't like it then you shouldn't be with her. You can let her know what's bothering you, but don't expect her to change. She shouldn't have to just for you.

 

I'm surprised that she would sacrifice an Ivy-League school honestly, but her head must really be in the clouds for her to do something like that.

 

As for if it's salvageable. It might be, but you need to be clear with what you want her to do. I feel like you're a lot like me and you have trouble letting people know exactly how you feel about something and what you want.

 

but the bottom line is this. If you don't want to be with her, don't be with her.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! I would really like to know if the relationship can be salvageable. Is talking to her about everything a good idea, or would it be better for both of us to just break it off?

 

Dude, you just went on about how you dread sex with her and thought it would be a short-term thing and can't assert yourself and she's clingy.

 

Do you even like her at all? Like actually like and enjoy being with her?

 

Because it sounds like you are in prison with a cell mate.

[serial muse]

Dude, you just went on about how you dread sex with her and thought it would be a short-term thing and can't assert yourself and she's clingy.

 

Do you even like her at all? Like actually like and enjoy being with her?

 

Because it sounds like you are in prison with a cell mate.

 

Haha, exactly.

 

OP, is there any reason aside from a fear of confrontation that you would seriously want this to continue? You don't sound like you enjoy being around her at all. Maybe you're afraid of being alone (since you haven't in a while - sounds like you've barely had enough alone time to visit the bathroom). Maybe you're afraid of pissing her off/hurting her. Those are understandable, human feelings, but not good reasons to stay with someone.

 

I quote your original post:

 

I am no longer interested in her emotionally, intellectually, or sexually. Our incompatibilities are much greater than our compatibilities.

 

Um. So, why would you want to stay together, then? Unless there's a reason you want it to work out with her, it's high time you set both of you free. Now that you know you want out, it will border on cruel if you don't end this.

Edited May 20, 2013 by serial muse

[CollegeGuy20]

I guess the only reason I'm staying in the relationship is because I don't want to hurt her. She's a good person, and she's had some pretty serious family issues recently. I don't know what it would do to her if I ended it. I wouldn't know what to say to make her eventually feel alright with it. Also, because she has given up so much to be with me, I don't know how I would feel about myself afterwards or how other people would treat me because of my actions.

 

I know that when it comes to relationships, there should be compromise, and mutual benefit, but it's hard to be selfish when she has done the things she has. Thanks for the help!

[Sunshine87]

You mentioned that you never really attracted to her...... Won't work on the long term.

 

Could she possibly transfer to an ivy-league university? Wow, she turned down a scholarship. What you should do is help her transfer.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess the only reason I'm staying in the relationship is because I don't want to hurt her. She's a good person, and she's had some pretty serious family issues recently. I don't know what it would do to her if I ended it. I wouldn't know what to say to make her eventually feel alright with it. Also, because she has given up so much to be with me, I don't know how I would feel about myself afterwards or how other people would treat me because of my actions.

 

I know that when it comes to relationships, there should be compromise, and mutual benefit, but it's hard to be selfish when she has done the things she has. Thanks for the help!

 

Every little girl's dream....

 

Now, she isn't going to feel great about it. She isn't going to be okay with it for a long time.

 

You have been an asshat. I get it, you want to be a nice guy.

 

Nice guys are honest and say what they need. They are upfront and don't bend because they have guilt issues.

 

Be a real nice guy and let her find someone that cherishes her. That wants to put in as much sacrifice to build a connect as she has done.

[pteromom]

I actually think it *might* be salvageable. It sounds to me that most of her problem is simple immaturity.

 

I would talk to her. I would tell her that you care about her, but that it is very important for you to have friends, hobbies, and a life outside your relationship. That you are going to play video games. That you are going to go out with friends. That you are going to exercise.

 

Tell her that you are no longer going to engage in discussions about the topic. That if she cries and argues about it, you will simply not argue back.

 

Tell her that you want her to have friends and hobbies outside of the relationship as well, and that you want both of you to have well-rounded diverse lives, so that when you come together, you are interesting people with interesting stories to share with each other. So that when you come together, you have missed each other and value the time together.

 

Then - go do what you want to do. Continue to be loving and kind to her and be sure to do your part in meeting her needs, but DO NOT engage in arguments or reassure her of your love and commitment.

 

One of two things will happen. She will melt down and the relationship will die a natural death, or she will adjust to the new normal and things may just get better...

[CollegeGuy20]

Pteromom, thanks for your response. I think talking to her about the problems and asking for some space would be good. Perhaps she's been feeling the same way the whole time and it's just been a huge miscommunication. Of course, if she takes it the wrong way, then nothing is lost and we break up. I think I would feel less terrible about myself for at least trying to make it work honestly. Thanks again!

[ITw]

I guess the only reason I'm staying in the relationship is because I don't want to hurt her. She's a good person, and she's had some pretty serious family issues recently. I don't know what it would do to her if I ended it. I wouldn't know what to say to make her eventually feel alright with it. Also, because she has given up so much to be with me, I don't know how I would feel about myself afterwards or how other people would treat me because of my actions.

 

I know that when it comes to relationships, there should be compromise, and mutual benefit, but it's hard to be selfish when she has done the things she has. Thanks for the help!

 

 

These are the wrong reasons to stay with someone. It is cowardly to keep things going. You say you don't want to hurt her but you just might end up hurting her more in the long run by staying. Reread your first post and everyone's responses. I feel very bad for your girlfriend. Thankfully she'll never read your posts and know your true feelings. I don't understand why you wouldn't do the right thing by her.

 

Why would you care more about how other people would treat you? It doesn't make any sense to force yourself to salvage your relationship just because you don't want to hurt her or are worried about what other people will think if you break up. Give your girlfrriend the chance to find another guy who can love her the way you cannot. You sound like a scaredy-cat instead of a hero or standup guy. I'm not trying to put you down but I think you're hurting your girlfriend more this way.

[dreamingoftigers]

I do like your POV.

 

But it does seem pretty, ahem, difficult thing to pull off for someone that already has such tremendous difficulty asserting himself. Not to mention he isn't into having sex with her.

 

I actually think it *might* be salvageable. It sounds to me that most of her problem is simple immaturity.

 

I would talk to her. I would tell her that you care about her, but that it is very important for you to have friends, hobbies, and a life outside your relationship. That you are going to play video games. That you are going to go out with friends. That you are going to exercise.

 

Tell her that you are no longer going to engage in discussions about the topic. That if she cries and argues about it, you will simply not argue back.

 

Tell her that you want her to have friends and hobbies outside of the relationship as well, and that you want both of you to have well-rounded diverse lives, so that when you come together, you are interesting people with interesting stories to share with each other. So that when you come together, you have missed each other and value the time together.

 

Then - go do what you want to do. Continue to be loving and kind to her and be sure to do your part in meeting her needs, but DO NOT engage in arguments or reassure her of your love and commitment.

 

One of two things will happen. She will melt down and the relationship will die a natural death, or she will adjust to the new normal and things may just get better...