Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 My long distance relationship boyfriend broke up with me a month ago just 2 weeks before my final exam. We met through a word game and had been going strong for a year. He came all the way to see me and he was due to come again in June but he decided to end it. He ended it so abruptly, messaging my sister on facebook telling her i had personal issues because i had threatened to commit suicide if he did it ( i know i shouldnt have) and it was so shovking to me because i never dreamt he would breakup with me. I was deeply in love with him and he had feelings for me, but he did make it clear it was not love for him yet. I found that a bit frustrating since i felt so much for him and we spoke for hours everyday for the past year. He treated me well and i gave him so much of myself. I spoke to him a day after he messaged my sister and he said he had to end it and it was dragging on for too long, that i deserve better. I told h to stay with me until my exams were over so that i could concentrate but he just said no and he hung up abruptly. Just like that. I find it so hard to believe what he did. I reacted v negatively thru the breakup, i was on medication and sleeping pills and i know each day is getting better but i dont know what next... He mentioned he wanted to stop all contact but he has me onfacebook and instagram and a fee days after the breakup, he messaged my froends and soster on fb asking how i am doing and he said he is worried i am not doing too well. They never replied him and i dont get what he s thinking. Why does he keep me as friends amd i think he stalks me on whatsapp till today. I feel tempted to text him but my family does not want me to speak to him again. I feel v lost without him plus anger and bitterness. I dont know whether to frl cheated or to move on. We had 17 yrs of age difference and i dont think that matters. I think my childishness did get into him at times... What should i do? I visiting the uk in a few days time... Should i let him know i wm coming? Try to have a proper closure? I jave my last exam tmr ane i cant concentratee.
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Oh dear. Love at your stage in life is hard. How old are you? Where are your parents? I want to be gentle with you here... You need help if you're threatening suicide to keep a man 17 years your senior in your life. That's not healthy. You deserve soooo much better. I promise you. If you really feel suicidal, you need to reach out to a crisis hotline, your sister, your friends, your school, 911. You do not use threats of suicide to keep somebody in your life. It's not only manipulative, but it's like crying wolf. That's not the way to keep somebody in your life. It's okay to ask for help. What else is going on in your life that makes you feel you have to desperately hold on to a much older man? Do you have somebody who you trust that you can speak with? And no, I do not mean this man. Your self worth, self esteem, and value should not be tied up in another person or you will end up feeling so low that life doesn't seem to matter. You are worth more than that! 2
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Oh, sorry... And NO, you do not ever contact him again. EVER. You take care of yourself first. You learn to love yourself. Then you concern yourself with finding somebody your age locally, not a creepy old man from the internet. My heart breaks for you. 2
Author Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Thanks Aisuru. I am 22 and he's 38! You know, i completely agree with what you said about threatening not being the way to keep someone. And honestly, qhen i threatened him, i knew for a sure thingi WOULD NEVER do anything stupid because i know i am more than that and life is precious. I know its mean that i did that to him and obviously he got scared an maybe he did not want to feel responsible... But i made it clear to him that i would never kill myself when i did it the first time. My parents are with me where i live, and we are quite a traditional asian family. My dad spoke to him, we had been keeping our relationship secret for the past year and everyone found out when he messaged my sister on fb. Thing is, i dont know why i am attracted to an older man. Always been. I just dont know how tp proceed from here. I know he s a nice guy and he cares for me... And he realised how frustrated i am that he does not love me and we used to fight lots over that. I understabd that he might have given his best in the relationship and maybe i expected too much. But i gave him all my time, my love and we had such a strong friendship and such an amazing time when he visited. I cant accept that he has not tried to contact me but i dont know what to think from the fact that he still has kept me on facebook and instagram. We have had NC since the day we broke up... What do i do? I am so tempted to have a proper closure to this and i want to be friends, but i am worrried i will end up asking for more. He stalks me and i dont know what to think. Should i make the first move or should i just let it be... Delete h from everything? Thanks so much
Author Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Haha, he is actually not very creepy. He treated me very well and we enjoyed each other s company. Honestly, i just feel a bit shaken he s no longer in my life... We used to talk for hours and hours... I would wait for him to come back home from work... While i forgo my sleep and he was a really good friend. I dont know why he ended it. And yes, i should probably never contact him because he told my sister i am a bit obsessed with him and he should have run the opposite direction. Its so unlike him because even though he did mention jokingly about how obsessed i was, i never thought he hated it. I gave him do much. I feel so cheated. I stalk him so much and now that i am going to the uk, were he lives to visit my sisters, i wonder whether i should let hom know. He will know anyway through pics on fb... But i dont know. Sigh.
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Ahhh traditional Asian family. I understand a little more. I bet your family was quite alarmed when he contacted your sister. My ex is a pretty traditional Japanese American man (as his family) and I have many Chinese American friends, including my roommate, who come from traditional Asian households. I've learned quite a bit. Look, this guy you're talking about is older than me! And yes, I do find that a little creepy, even knowing how immature men can be. You won't want to hear this, but he likely has thought of you as a fun girl that he met online that might have possibilities. I'm not sure how many times you've met in person though. It's so easy to get attached to somebody via the internet and phone because you TALK so much about EVERYTHING. You share your deepest darkest secrets and therefore become emotionally entangled without the in person interactions. It can really blur the lines. Trust me, I've been there. You're the age of a couple sisters of mine and I only can tell you what I would tell them. You deserve a relationship that is 100%. You deserve a man who wants to be with you 100%. You should never have to resort to manipulative or passive aggressive tactics to keep somebody in your life. You, and every woman and man out there, deserves better than that. You get no closure on your terms. You kind of sealed that deal with the manipulative suicide threat, ya know? So you write out what you're thinking and feeling and wish you could tell him and then throw it away or tuck it away. Guys, once they tune you out, don't care really to rehash your feelings. The closure you seek will have to come from within you. You won't get it from him. He's done. You need to remove all methods of contacting him. Hang out on these boards. Spend time with friends. Delve into new hobbies. Plan for your UK trip. But do not contact him. You will learn from this. You will look back on this experience and appreciate what it has taught you. He's not the one. You will hurt as you learn to accept that. But promise me you never ever threaten suicide again. You're better than that. And it does not endear you to anybody. As you've learned unfortunately. You will be okay. I promise you. I'm 36 and had my share of heartbreak. But I accept each experience as part of who I am. You'll be fine.
Author Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Awww your words really make me feel better! yes, my parents are still quite taken aback, but they have been very supportive which has been really helpful. Nice to know you have asian experiences! Hehe. Yeh, i think i will take your advice. I like how you are so practical and yes, I deserve someone better. I know i will look back and laugh at this someday. Thank you SO much. Means so much to me <3 1
Author Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 And yes, I promise not to threaten again. I think that's not how true love works. Thanks for putting some sense into me Why are you so good with relationship advice? You are good at this! Thumbs up! 1
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Awww your words really make me feel better! yes, my parents are still quite taken aback, but they have been very supportive which has been really helpful. Nice to know you have asian experiences! Hehe. Yeh, i think i will take your advice. I like how you are so practical and yes, I deserve someone better. I know i will look back and laugh at this someday. Thank you SO much. Means so much to me <3 I am happy to help. BELIEVE ME, I dwelled on breakups and had some issues with myself when I was younger. I share this from the heart. I was one lost little girl once, looking for a man to fill the void. Sometimes I still feel that lost little girl surface, but life has taught me a lot. The greatest lesson? The lows hurt, but you learn from them and enjoy the highs that much better. And that I'm all I have. Gotta love me! Anytime you need to voice your thoughts or feelings, come here. The people here are great. You'll likely feel up and down in the coming weeks or months so it's good to have the advice and support of people who have been there, done that.
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 And yes, I promise not to threaten again. I think that's not how true love works. Thanks for putting some sense into me Why are you so good with relationship advice? You are good at this! Thumbs up! I've had some hard knock life lessons. And it is ALWAYS easier looking from the outside in. And you think you're the first girl to threaten suicide if a boy breaks up with her? PFFFFT! I invented that manipulative move. *ahem*
Author Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Hahaha! Cant believe you have tried that before after reading your advice...but as they say, it happens! yes, i think this forum is excellent! You have a great day
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Hahaha! Cant believe you have tried that before after reading your advice...but as they say, it happens! yes, i think this forum is excellent! You have a great day How in the heck do you think I know it doesn't work? Well, it worked with my high school boyfriend. Not so much the college boyfriend or the boyfriend after that. All of this more than 10 years ago. That's when I finally started to figure myself out. You have a good day too. 1
Author Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Sometimes i feel i am strong and can do this, times like now i just start breaking fown. Sigh.
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