Looking for New Answers to An Old Problem

[ChckDlta]

So I have been lurking here for a little over 3 weeks- since right after the “break up”. Today, I finally decided it was time to speak up. But, sitting down to type the history that got me here seems oh, so daunting. I know everyone feels that way and I thank you all for doing it anyway-- as reading your stories has helped me.

 

I’ll try it as quickly and painlessly as possible. My “relationship” went off and on for over 6 years. I use quotes because it was never that in title. I met him at work. I was his boss, to be specific. I was married when we met, going through trouble. He was separated. We became the best of friends so quickly- caused issues at work because everyone saw the closeness- even the ex-husband. I can admit now that I was having an emotional affair. I loved him, let’s call him C, from so early on. But, when I got separated from the ex-husband, it was based on the failings of my marriage- not on C. But after a few months the separation from the ex-husband, my friendship with C changed. We grew into a “relationship” without the title (as he was “not looking to get serious”) and I allowed it to happen even though I wanted more. Even without the title, he was my best friend, my lover, my coworker (and work was smooth as butter with us like that, finishing each other’s thoughts and moving without words . . . Coworkers called us “mom and dad”) He was always “serious” in his actions even though I knew he didn’t want to be. Seems we could not help it. Yes, we loved each other. WE said it every day. Were IN love and said it all the time. A relationship--but without the title. But honestly, the only real commitment we had was not sleeping with other people. Or, so I thought.

 

Time passed and when it looked like we were destined to be on the road to “official” he slept with someone else. I took him back, blaming the fact that we were never really a couple. He did it again. Took him back, feeling the same as before… He “cheated” again-- and again I excused it- after all- we were not a couple. And every time it happened, we would fight and go months without talking, then not be able to stay away from the “connection” (not just the physical part) and come back. This last time, “serious” came on with a vengeance. I thought I was getting what I wanted. FINALLY. But, again, 3 weeks ago I caught him “cheating”. (Yes, that makes 4.) Told him to get out of my life. And here I am at the fake “break up” to a fake “relationship”. A fake-up. No matter what you call it, I’m still here. Heart-broken.

 

I don’t need or want to hear anymore that ‘it wasn’t real’ and I should get over it. Or that ‘once a cheater always a cheater- better off without him’ and I should get over it. Or that ‘what started in chaos, was bound to end in chaos’ and I should get over it. Or that ‘taking him back was stupid and the problem all along’ and I should get over it. Or that I should have ‘spoken up and made it real to avoid the drama’ and therefore, I should get over it. My support system has said it all already --and they hate him with every fiber of their collective “friend army” beings. What I need is real advice in dealing with this loss. Even though he was a cheating so and so, it is still a loss of something I held so dear: The Connection. Even the end of my marriage didn’t hurt like this. I have never lost someone who was so many parts of my life. Could it be I am 35 and was even married and never had a love like this before? Who knows? All I know is I am drowning.

 

I know I should not talk to him, and hear his bs. But I do. He claims he isn’t going to feed me “sorry”s and “take me back”s this time. He said he has a commitment problem (clearly) and when people get too close he does things to push them away. But still he loves me. And he will respect my wishes for him to drop off the face of my planet-- until he can “come correct” and be ready for my love…and to make it official. At the same time that I want him gone, I want him here. NC is nearly impossible, not just because he was my “man” and best friend for 5 years, but because WE ALSO STILL WORK TOGETHER. I know I could fix that but this is a career for me- just a job for him- and he won’t leave.

 

I don’t know how to not text him and beat him up verbally for his stupidity. I don’t know how to just leave it be and get over the “break up”. I don’t know how to go to work and not cry in the bathroom. Or have literally EVERYTHING remind me of us and all of our history. And I don’t know how to stop hoping he will one day get it right.

 

I know everyone feels like this, but it doesn’t change a thing. So, looking for words I haven’t heard, or words I have heard, said in a way that helps. Thanks. And thanks for reading.

[BustedUpInside]

Wow, that sounds like a really tough situation. It does sound like it would be really hard to have full No Contact because of the work situation. I don't really have that much advice because it sounds like your support group has personal knowledge and has said everything you need to know. What I do have is some mental tricks that might help you get over the intense urge to talk to him. You really need some space to clear your head before you can even think about whether it is done forever or whether you should just give him one more chance.

 

Here are the tricks:

1) Every time you want to call him, imagine that when he picks up the phone he will put you on speaker phone. Imagine that he is in bed with the girl he cheated with and they will hear everything you say on your side. Would you even want to have a conversation at all? I wouldn't. I would not even want to call in the first place.

 

2) Every time you want to email or text him something non-work related imagine that he is going to show it to a group of his douchiest male friends. They will make all sort of rude comments and commend him for "dumping" you in spite of the fact that you left him. Your ex doesn't stand up for you and instead eggs them on with more stories about how you were awful in various ways.

 

These tricks won't work forever, but they will definitely help in the early days when talking to the ex is more like an addiction than an actual need. I really hope you find a way to work this out so that you can heal from the heartache he has put you through.

[ChckDlta]

Thank you for your response BustedUpInside. You are right, they will help. I know-- not forever. He knows anger is my go-to emotion. And when I am no longer angry-- and have moved onto sad and missing him-- he tries to come back in.

 

This time he claims he will not. That he will not waste my time until he is ready. And that he is working on himself. In my heart I know that's garbage and hope it isn't... less worried about what he will or won't do and worried about what I MAY do when I stop being angry.

Until then I will use your tricks. Thanks.

[avelonia2013]

Hi, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry your in a bad place right now. It sounds like a tough situation to be in.

 

Can I ask why you think this relationship has any hope if it hasn't gone anywhere in six years? You mention "fake"; what is blocking it from progressing? Is there a another person in the mix? If yes, is it your's or his?

 

All I can say is that if told you he will respect your wishes and will leave you alone until when or if he resolves his issues then that's the best you can hope for. You have to determine what you want and need for yourself and if being with him isn't providing that then it's time to cut ties and leave. I've had to do that myself recently. It's not easy, but I'm choosing to sit with and feel the grief this time until I finally get to the other side. I know I can't accept what is being offered, so I had to honor it and walk away.

[aisuru]

I am sorry you are hurting right now. I think you know the right answers. Only you will know the best course of action to take at this point.

 

You certainly deserve a man who is 100% committed to you. I hope you are able to trust yourself enough to find what you're looking for and deserve.