luvflower Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) hi all: i've noticed a trend in a few of my relationships. when it's new & issue free, the guy will initiate calls, dates, texting, etc and actually follow through. as soon as his ego got bruised in the slightest way, he started suggesting things and not following through, e.g. asking me to tell him when I play (saxophone) so he can hear me. he's never come to see me perform. says he will try or he'll be there but i won't know he's there. (he's detective if info helps...). it hurts me that ha makes no effort to come and he knows i wanted his presence there. also, since things have happened btwn us, he flaked on a date where i cooked for him and didn't show, didn't call or anything. our bump in the road (plus a few other issues he has that aren't my fault) was that i forgot his first birthday, since we started dating. when i cooked for him it was about 2 weeks after the bump in the road. since the birthday issue, things have NEVER been the same... after all this time, what do you think the reason is for him acting like this? if he was that mad at me why didn't he just break up with me or stop seeing me and stop calling &texting altogether? Edited May 19, 2013 by luvflower
PogoStick Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Why don't you just break up with him, or stop seeing him, or stop texting?
Eggplant Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Egos are very delicate. People who are otherwise perfectly secure become vulnerable in relationships. You want to cradle egos and respect them and walk very delicately around them. The severity of forgetting his birthday depends on how long you have been dating? What were the other issues? Maybe somebody can suggest fixes, but what are the details? 1
Author luvflower Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 because in my mind, it goes without saying "we are no longer together". how much more can i be insulted by empty promises. in my mind he's got to be either crazy or assume we're not together anyway since the birthday issue, for him to be acting like he is, i.e. like a 15 year old boy. so i think it goes without saying we're pretty much done. i just to know: why? AND is there something i need to take away from this situation so it doesn't repeat itself? thanks
Author luvflower Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 the previous message was for pogostick btw. @EGGPLANT: thanks. the other issues are that he's socially awkard and his male part has a performance defect, which i overlook, but it IS an issue that i don't make a big deal about. he knows it's an issue because he's taken medicine for it and it helps but he doesn't take the medicine all the time. when i forgot his birthday we'd been dating for about 5 months.
Author luvflower Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Egos are very delicate. People who are otherwise perfectly secure become vulnerable in relationships. You want to cradle egos and respect them and walk very delicately around them. The severity of forgetting his birthday depends on how long you have been dating? What were the other issues? Maybe somebody can suggest fixes, but what are the details? thanks. the other issues are that he's socially awkard and his male part has a performance defect, which i overlook, but it IS an issue that i don't make a big deal about. he knows it's an issue because he's taken medicine for it and it helps but he doesn't take the medicine all the time. when i forgot his birthday we'd been dating for about 5 months.
Eggplant Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Be careful about guys who are passive-aggressive. Is he punishing you? That's not a healthy way to deal with relationship problems and long-term would have been really hard to work with.
muse08 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I agree with Eggplant. Passive agressive seems to fit him and that type can be the worst kind to date because you never really know what you did to set them off. IMO, you would spend several months (if not several years) asking for his forgiveness, only to have him still reject your attempt to reconcile because in his eyes the pain is just that deep. His goal really is to punish you...plain and simple. Though not an excuse, he probably has issues so deep he's afraid to discuss them with you. But no one deserves to spend months, years or the rest of their life paying for something they did that long ago...especially not for forgetting his birthday...
Author luvflower Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 i think you're both pretty accurate. he IS trying to punish me and by any means. when we'd have little disagreements he'd make comments like(seemingly joking): "i don't know why you're always trying to fight me, you're gonna lose" things like that stick out in my mind. that's his mentality. and i'm not always trying to fight him, i guess he means go against what he says or his opinion or doing things to upset him. when i ask him questions about what he means he never really comes out and explains. that pisses me off. it's like he expects me to read his mind or he just wants to leave me guessing OR he's afraid he might scare me aware with his true thoughts. little does he know he's done more harm than good with his punitive and passive aggressive actions.
Treasa Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 AHAHAHAHA. You know what you should tell him? That you're also a detective, and you did do something for his birthday, but he doesn't know what. 1
apple OR orange Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 i find this interesting... you (female) are super aggressive, you expect him to do everything and now its his fault you forgot something... now your DEMANDING to know why.... Well, you forgot his birthday, your to blame, you fired the first gun, the chain started at you.... see the very obvious pattern here...
Treasa Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Yep, he is definitely passive-aggressive. ****, it's just a stupid birthday. For one of my birthdays I didn't see ANYONE, didn't have any form of transportation, not a lot of friends, and you know what my mom did? She went to see a football game and was gone the entire day. Her reasoning? "It's the BEARS." We're Packers fans, so Bears games are always a big deal. Anyway, I sulked and then I got over it. And I was 22 and very immature, and that was my MOM we're talking about. If I can get over it, so can he. ETA: You know what I did? Spent the day in the house...alone. LOL I was so angsty back then. ****, what I wouldn't give for a day alone now...
nerd Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I could see getting upset over a forgotten birthday. But assuming the relationship were otherwise going well, I'd only be upset for a bit, tell her she owes me dinner, and that'd be it. I don't get the passive-aggressive thing. Either make up or break it off.
clia Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 The fact that you forgot his birthday when you are only five months into the relationship is really bad. You should still be really into him at this point, and overlooking his birthday is insulting. I'm really laid back and could give two craps about birthdays, but I would be really upset if a new boyfriend completely forgot my birthday. I have no idea why he hasn't dumped you yet. 1
Author luvflower Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 AHAHAHAHA. You know what you should tell him? That you're also a detective, and you did do something for his birthday, but he doesn't know what. lol, funny. wish i could, but it's waaay too late now.
Author luvflower Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 The fact that you forgot his birthday when you are only five months into the relationship is really bad. You should still be really into him at this point, and overlooking his birthday is insulting. I'm really laid back and could give two craps about birthdays, but I would be really upset if a new boyfriend completely forgot my birthday. I have no idea why he hasn't dumped you yet. i'll tell you why he never dumped me per se. it's not set in stone but i'm pretty sure i know why. (just fyi,we're not really communicating now, mainly because he became very passive aggressive rather than expressing how he felt. and can be just as stubborn as him.) the main reason he didn't dump me was because he knew that he had some issues that probably pushed me away. similar to several threads i've seen on LS, he had the potential to be abusive. he would say things like "what if i hit you right now" or "why do you try to fight/go against me, you're gonna lose". also, he had a problem with his 'MAN PART',plus it bothered him that i work with my ex. that made him uncomfortable, but i'll make it perfectly clear I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON HIM still he could never seem to define our relationship and could never seem to realize that i was just as HUMAN as he was. he assumed that i was sooo confident and even called me MISS CONFIDENT as to be sarcastic. despite all this about him, i still cared a lot about him, but did not acknowledge his birthday. i convinced him to respond to me for like 2 weeks when he finally responded because i made him laugh. even then he never really said he accepted my apology... however, we still went out from time to time but he'd catch me off guard and not return my call or stand me up once and i know it payback... so at this point, i've given up. unless someone has a genius idea to getting him back to trust me and to be nice again, i have thrown in the towel. i can't be a doormat.
muse08 Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Wow. Situations like these occur more often than you realize. You should review some of the old threads here in LS. If you still care for the guy then you can always let him know, if you feel he's worth it. If not, keep it moving and someone else will ending up finding you sooner than later, if they haven't already. You have to take responsibility for your part and forget about what his issues are. His issues will be there regardless of what you do... And it sounds like his issues are pretty serious. As a previous poster mentioned, in the long term would you even want to deal with him being all passive-aggressive like that and wondering if he was going to become upset and violent due to thoughts of you and your male friends or whatever the case could be...? How long has it been since you guys stopped communicating. And what exactly does that mean? i.e. no longer communicating.
Author luvflower Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 true i could let him, but I honestly don't think he's worth it in the long run. he's a good guy on one hand. then on the other, he's evil when things don't go his way... evil. the sad part is that i still care for him and i'm wondering if he still cares for me.
Author luvflower Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 the last thing that happened was him asking to see me twice recently. once he asked if i wanted to come over to his place. i said i couldn't because it'd too far for me to leave his place and go to work the next morning. so he said let's try another day. so a few days went by, we both we miss each other. i texted him saying i missed him and were we seeing each other that night. he said maybe depends on the weather... i'm thinking, what? the weather? then i realized his vision isn't that great and he doesnt have glasses. so at night when it's raining is no go for him in terms of driving. and he did say he'd gotten a truck that day so i don't know if it was new or what. so maybe his truck is an old beat up thing. but it's better than nothing. he didn't have a vehicle before. but he never tried to reschedule to see me.
muse08 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 IMO, this seems to be the natural course of things for men in general. They get annoyed when we women don't easily follow their lead. When that is coupled with deep insecurities from the guy and he's a bit immature, you have a situation where this natural course of dysfunction is intensified.
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