BenH1000 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Quick background: my ex dumped me a month ago (over the phone), basically out of the blue, due to "incompatibilities" and what she described as a "lack of a spark" and an "inability to see a future together." There were certainly a number of times in our relationship where she was very hot and cold and she'd lied to me about the reasoning for her mixed signals on a couple of occasions. I've been able to move beyond the "rose-colored glasses" phase of our break-up and can now fully appreciate that I deserve someone better than her and that I shouldn't have put up with the BS I put up with during our 7-month relationship. I've gone NC since our break-up. The only "contact" I've had with her is a) shipping an article of clothing she left at my house to her house, and b) replying with a "thanks" to a "Happy Birthday" text message she sent to me. I know it will be pretty much impossible to ever be friends with her again (and I told her this when she dumped me). Realizing this, I decided to delete her as a Facebook friend this weekend because I felt it was the one thing really holding me back from fully recovering. All weekend, my news feed was flooded with pictured of her and her friends at a wedding that I was supposed to go to with her. I couldn't accept seeing it and decided to just hit delete. I felt immediately empowered and feel like I'm already moving on much more smoothly than before. I wish I'd done it sooner than a month after the break-up, but you live and you learn I guess! My only questions/concerns at this point are: 1) Not that I really care, but will this be viewed as a bitter move on my part? Our break-up wasn't "bad" per se, but we left it that we wouldn't be friends and her only contact to me was a pretty emotionless Happy Birthday text. 2) I'm still FB friends with two of her friends, one of whom is a legitimate friend of mine. Should I keep them or defriend either? I'm leaning heavily towards the former option. 3) I haven't blocked her, only deleted her. Is it too drastic to block her as well or does it seriously not even matter at this point? Like I said, I wish I'd made this move earlier, as it would have saved me a lot of stress knowing I still have access to her photos/information. Knowing that I no longer have this, and knowing that my life is now a legitimate mystery to her, is a rewarding feeling. I feel like I've regained my power back. 2
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Deleting was the correct thing for YOU to do right now. Who cares what she thinks or how she views you for it? She dumped you! As for the friends, I think that's your call. I personally usually delete the friends too, but that's just me. If you want to keep them, change what they can see on your profile and remove them from your feed.
california15 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Yes I'm glad you deleted her! Try not to think about how she perceives it (harsh, bitter etc) because what she thinks right now doesn't matter anymore. Like aisuru said - she dumped you - "those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." You deleted her for your healing and that's what important. Take that feeling of empowerment and pay attention to it. It's all about you now 1
1908 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I'd delete the mutual friends. I did and I feel a lot better. I don't want to be tempted to check their FB's and possibly see a picture of my ex doing whatever the funk she is doing these days. I also don't want her family/friends to know what I'm doing and possibly telling her. She also blocked me after I removed her as a friend haha. I'd do the same if I were you. Otherwise you can just punch her name in and see her profile picture at the very least. And that could be a setback at this point. What you don't know/see/hear won't hurt you. 1
Author BenH1000 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks for the replies everybody. I went ahead and deleted one of the other mutual friends, as she constantly posts pictures of her and my ex. I don't need that ****. As for the other friend, he and I are still friends. I actually did a big favor for him, so for all I know he actually might be on my side through all of this. But that's all conjecture, really. Which brings me to another question: how soon is too soon to hang out with him? He was originally my ex's friend, and still is, just FYI. Is it too soon to call him up for a beer? 1
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks for the replies everybody. I went ahead and deleted one of the other mutual friends, as she constantly posts pictures of her and my ex. I don't need that ****. As for the other friend, he and I are still friends. I actually did a big favor for him, so for all I know he actually might be on my side through all of this. But that's all conjecture, really. Which brings me to another question: how soon is too soon to hang out with him? He was originally my ex's friend, and still is, just FYI. Is it too soon to call him up for a beer? Uhhh, you don't call anybody up that was originally her friend first. If he calls you, great. If you do meet up, and he brings up the ex, you tell him "I hope you appreciate I don't want to discuss her." and move on. The problem with being friends with an ex's friend is that oftentimes, aspects of your life get back to her. Are you really okay with that? 2
Author BenH1000 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 One more question: should I send my ex and/or her friend a message saying that I deleted them and explaining why? It sounds ridiculous, but I've read in some other threads that other folks have done this to make the move seem less "bitter".
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 One more question: should I send my ex and/or her friend a message saying that I deleted them and explaining why? It sounds ridiculous, but I've read in some other threads that other folks have done this to make the move seem less "bitter". oh my goodness, why why why do you think this is a good idea? it's not. stop worrying about what other people think about you. or is this your way to get the ex to plead, 'nooooo, don't unfriend me from facebook, omg!' or I know, you expect her friend will tell you they want to remain friends and they're on your side? come on dude, people unfriend people all the time because it's the right thing for them. goodness. they know why you deleted them from your friend list. hell, block them too if you really want true no contact. 2
Author BenH1000 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 oh my goodness, why why why do you think this is a good idea? it's not. stop worrying about what other people think about you. or is this your way to get the ex to plead, 'nooooo, don't unfriend me from facebook, omg!' or I know, you expect her friend will tell you they want to remain friends and they're on your side? come on dude, people unfriend people all the time because it's the right thing for them. goodness. they know why you deleted them from your friend list. hell, block them too if you really want true no contact. Love the directness. Thanks for being blunt about this, I need it! I thought it sounded ridiculous too, just wanted to be sure it wasn't some sort of social media "rule". At this point, I don't owe her **** so yeah, she can just figure out on her own that I axed her. 2
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Love the directness. Thanks for being blunt about this, I need it! I thought it sounded ridiculous too, just wanted to be sure it wasn't some sort of social media "rule". At this point, I don't owe her **** so yeah, she can just figure out on her own that I axed her. Sorry, I have a dominant communication style in real life too. HA! It's just that sometimes we're too clouded by our relationship fantasies that we don't make good or rational decisions. Trust me, she'll know why. And while it might sting a little and she might turn it around on you, it only matters what is best for you.
Minneloa Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 oh my goodness, why why why do you think this is a good idea? it's not. stop worrying about what other people think about you. or is this your way to get the ex to plead, 'nooooo, don't unfriend me from facebook, omg!' or I know, you expect her friend will tell you they want to remain friends and they're on your side? come on dude, people unfriend people all the time because it's the right thing for them. goodness. they know why you deleted them from your friend list. hell, block them too if you really want true no contact. Aisuru tells it like it is! OP, great move to get rid of this trigger.
Minneloa Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 aisuru is right. They can think whatever they like about you, but it's no longer your concern. Do what benefits you. We can't be universally liked in this world and if they're bitter or unhappy, they need to deal with it. It's not your problem. MC, This is rock solid advice, and can apply to SO many break-up contingencies. I would add: There's a big difference between taking care of oneself and being selfish. OP, you are seriously a model of self-care right now. I hope that others read your post and are inspired. The destructive power of social media during break-ups is evident every day on this forum. *jumps down from podium* M. 2
Author BenH1000 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 MC, This is rock solid advice, and can apply to SO many break-up contingencies. I would add: There's a big difference between taking care of oneself and being selfish. OP, you are seriously a model of self-care right now. I hope that others read your post and are inspired. The destructive power of social media during break-ups is evident every day on this forum. *jumps down from podium* M. Thanks! The last month has been difficult, no doubt about it. There's definitely somewhat of a science as to the right/wrong way to handle breaking up. I'll be able to rest well now knowing that, through all of this, I've taken the high road and honestly feel like a more empowered person because of that. 2
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