petro101 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Hello,I'm new here and just wanted to get some help getting over something that has hit me hard.Just about a month ago my wife of over 20 years has told me that she feels that we should separate.This couldn't have come at a worse time,our daughter is going through some problems with hating herself and not liking how she looks. My wife says that we've grown apart and I really thought things where fine but I guess not that is why this hurts so much.She said that for now we should focus on our daughter and then go from there,the thing is I love both of them so much and dealing with my daughters illness and now knowing that my wife doesn't really want to be with me anymore is really making things hard.To be honest it really hurts me inside as if I've lost someone already,I've ask my wife that we should try to work on things and I've also told her how much I still love her but I get the feeling she doesn't feel the same. I'm confused and hurt and have no one to talk to.
TaraMaiden Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 "Getting over"....? Sweetheart, this is going to take time. The fact that you have your daughter's issues to deal with is hard enough. Is your daughter receiving professional help, psychotherapy or counselling? How old is she? I hate to be a club-hammer, but sadly, this happens more frequently than you'd think - although sadly, people stay in what they personally deem to be unsatisfactory, unfulfilling and dead-end marriages, all too often. Your wife has clearly indicated that this has come to a close for her. Tell me - I would estimate you're in your 40's to 50's, maybe? has she begun the menopause? Consider what your physical life together has been. If it's scant to non-existent, which one of you withdrew? Is there a possibility your wife's interests have found root with someone else? Could she be speaking with another guy? Have you suggested MC to her? (That's Marriage Counselling, in case you're not familiar with abbreviations....)
Deerhunter Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Oh yeah, the ol grown apart, nothing in common, all that crap. Has she told you she still loves you but not in love with you yet? Its coming. I'm guessing y'all are in your 40's being married 20 years. Same here. Late 40's, 26 years together. Her hormones may be all out of whack. Is she bipolar, adhd or drink a lot? What about your daughter? Any of those will cause them to go into a mid life crisis. Maybe she hasn't been getting the attention from guys like she did in the past. I'm guessing you had a normal marriage of ups and downs. Does she want to move out or you to move out? Will she consider marriage counseling? Mine wouldn't and she moved out. Does she want you and her to be just roommates and y'all do your own thing? Before my seperation, that's what my wife wanted and I did my own thing and she did hers. Sometimes you have to break it all down in order to build it back up. I've been seperated for 6 months and don't know if she will decide to come back or not. Don't know if I will take her back. I've reconnected with old friends and have a part time girlfriend. I'm actually enjoying myself. Talking and trying to reason with your wife right now won't do any good. You've already tried I'm sure. Give her a little time to herself. Don't question her about anything. Let her talk and you just listen. Right now, she knows she has you. When you start becoming distant, she will start to think. Concentrate on helping your daughter and yourself.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 My wife says that we've grown apart and I really thought things where fine but I guess not Do you have any insight as to how you could have two such different views of the state of your marriage? Mr. Lucky
Simpleoldschool Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) You want me to laugh and then laugh real hard. shes a lier! She told you that she thinks you've grown apart BUUUUT you guys need to focus on your daughter. thats called shared-parental responsibility and thats also called doing what your suppose to in whattt A MARRIAGE!?! guess you arent growing to far apart like shes saying.MAN SHE HAS HER RESPONSIBILITIES IN VIEW! or rather should i say she has half of her responsibilities in view and the rest is the result of her selfishness and a big cop-out. its made to make you feel guilty about what you want while she gets to do all of the wanting and decision making. bro pump the BREAKS! Thats your daughter too and she needs to know that. im upset i really am when i read that. she understand you two had a daughter and as father and mother you are suppose to be doing something but not do anything as husband and wife. LMAO THATS JUST... well ill leave that alone. just understand anything other than what makes perfectly good sense to you is an excuse. she would try to make what she says understandable by way of you if thats what she was trying to do. she can think outside of herself, but she cant think outside of herself enough to accept you for who you are.tell her actually people dont change. they actually dont grow apart they just stop taking part in their responsibilities and in caring enough to put in the real effort they want to see their marriages thrive because of. tell her she obviously understands your daughter has needs but she cant understands yours and blames you for having them? yeah right. a need is a need and a good person supplys it. Gents when a women says you've grown apart what shes really saying is " You cant handle me anymore, im great and im going somewhere you'll just drag me down." and that you dont need, because shes dragging you down to get that step up. my friend. take time to think what shes saying. what shes really saying and how insulting that is. first, you need to realize there isnt a thing wrong with you. these are trademark excuses that are divised to confuse without a response because the human mind cant dignify and respond to something that UN-intellectual. shes just having fun toying with you. are you a toy? NO YOU ARE NOT. you are a man who deserves love. again someone who wants to seperate after twenty years isnt for you. thats not marriage. thats not a wife. thats not your partner. thats what i like to call " the truly dark hearted". my friend my anger is not with you and i hurt for all people who go through these things but you need to understand no matter what she says about you, its only true about her. its a guilt displacement method. telling someone whats true about yourself and pointing the finger at them. YOU DO NOT NEED THAT! nor should you have to even try to convince the opposite. shes your wife isnt she why doesnt she understand this? why cant she say well i feel like were interested in different things now, why dont we try to reconnect and do things toghether again. You arent a mind reader, God didnt make you psychic and you cant see farther than someones forehead. and also the reason you dont have someone to talk to is because she outsourced you. she sounds abusive and controlling. she probably made you focus all the time on her while she gets the choice to flip her pretty little switchboard of excuses on and off. Oh im not feeling well. You want to know why women are unhappy aswell as men. they are unhappy because they sabotage themselves. They sit there and deprice themselves of all of mearriages pleasures because they are in a state of blame. Ive always been of the mind dont complain about who you live with. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? you live with them. It has to do with expectation over reality. tell her that doesnt exist and you move on. Twenty years of what you know now is this. you need a wife, not her. you can find a girl who wants to hold your arm and look up at you with her cute little eyes and her cheeks bright red. dont give in to anything. She wants a seperation agreement file one with a lawyer telling her all of what shes done wrong and that she has made your life unliveable. dont give emotion to someone who neither wants or deserves any of it. let her be in a cold place for telling you for the years you stood by it didnt mean anything. bud i would get my fingers in this before she does. take the advantage. win this and find a good women who you will make it to 21 years with. dont even give her another look. beauty is in the eye of the beholder so take a good look at her and see her for what she is. nothing more than skin deep and a shallowness that you cant write "good person" on. move on. you will be fine. If you truely think you can work it out ask her real reasons she wants a divorce and see if they actually are a reason. nothing is too much for your wife unless shes taking advantage of nothings too much for me. its not too much as long as she appreiciates it. its too much when she doesnt. find out why is my suggestion, then find out IF she is even good for you. because your just as speicial just as normal just as COOL or whatever she pumps into her mind and into her actions. honestly she just wants to feel good before she leaves using all your compliments to shoot her off into the imaginary space in her mind where she sees this fiction fairy-tale of what things are suppose to be. honestly there is no perfect wedding. no perfect home and no perfect anything. someone who wants that, is the absolute opposite of what they are searching for and just cant see it. she thinks she deserves certain things, dont you also? tell her to be a wife or you want a divorce plain and simple. ill tell you a secret, both men and women pull things off in their minds because people dont hold them accountable to how ignorant what they are saying and doing actually is. thats a person who doesnt beilieve in right and wrong they just beilieve in themselves. you can never have a marriage with that person. its called NPD or narcissistic personality disorder. they cant love you as a matter of fact they actually view you the same way as an object. a speicific use and thats it. they dont attribute emotion to you. they dont view you like a person. in their world they are the only epople who exist with robots. and if the robot doesnt work right you get a new one. brooo save yourself the pain.PLEASE? Edited May 22, 2013 by Simpleoldschool
Simpleoldschool Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 BTW there is love here she wont give you. we will all be yours friends here and help you in dark times. you will receive love and attention regularly and ill tell you, you will be ok. i was. i am. and im still alive. dont live for someone else if they arent living that out with you. dont live for someone who isnt there. you are living out the imagination of the person not who really is there. the entitled, the elitists. man. i really want you to do a few things. ask her whats wrong because it litterally sounds like bs. show her you will be a man with or without her and that a man has a good women because he isnt a carpet hes her stronghold and she is his.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 i still dont understand how husband and wife and mother and father are not synonomous... im still trying to get over that. really they should be one and the same.... give yourself a big hug and think this when you think your alone. there are stores and there are places to go. strike up conversations and most of all have fun being you. please do this. put a smile on and know the sun will be shining tommorow to light the path you choose to walk.
Simpleoldschool Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 the best piece of advice i can give you is DO NOT live in the mirror of your mistakes. some people actually need to take a look in that mirror. but you've spent twenty years with someone who is forcing you to look into it. whatever. tell her to look in hers maybe she will see something she doesnt like. thats who she needs to take this fight to. move past what you have done wrong. understand that you have done your best. thats all anyone can ask and what no one can condemn you for. you dont KNOW WHAT YOU DONT KNOW. seriously. chin up. someone who cant see you are beautifull just shouldnt have eyes in their head. know what im saying?
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