hard2bhappy Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 A few weeks ago my husband went to town with a coworker to pick up a work truck. Ended up going out to eat at a rrestaraunt that has almost nude waitress. They ended up drinking beer and started taking shots of patron. So needless to say he got drunk. Then they ended up going to a strip club and had several lap dances done for him. He didn't come home that night. he and his coworker spent the nite at a hotel there. I called him that night to ask what was going on and he said the truck he went to pick up didn't start and bla bla bla. We argued that night cause I knew he was drunk off his butt. Well the next day when he got home he told me all that had happened but not in detail form. Just that he got drunk and started acting like he was Mr. macho and went to the strip club and blew LOTS of money there. I was so angry!!! I told him it was over and I did not want his filthy hands on me. I told him that was adultery. Having his hands on those sluts and their slutty bodies all over him. I feel so low!! Humiliated!!! I'm so hurt!!! I cry all the time. I even found text messages where he and his coworkers always talk about how hot this waitress is and look at the hot mamas rack. Wow!!! I am married to this man I don't know. I trusted this man with all my heart!!!! And al along he's druling over every woman. I hate that my kids are going to be heart broken but i can't stay with this man i dont know. What do you think? We have been married for 19 yrs. This so chatters my heart. I honestly thinks that by telling me all was going to be ok. This is wrong!! 1
CherryT Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I don't think attending a strip club is adultry... but the lap dances etc can be very offside. Is this the first issue that you've had? If you haven't had any issues (or so you think) up until now, maybe I would ask if going to counselling would be an option? Perhaps him telling you, he genuinely thought, he was being open and that it was ok. He didn't sleep with another woman... My boyfriend has gone to strip clubs in the past with his buddies for bachelor parties. They order a lap dance for the groom and the groom usually tries to order for his friends so he's not the only one getting "embarrassed". Not saying it's right, but everyones tolerance is different. My bf and I comment on women who are attractive... he hasn't gone blind and I think it would be unrealistic of me to think he would NEVER find another woman attractive. Just like it would be unrealistic for him to think I'd gone blind and would never find another man attractive. However, that doesn't mean we would ever consider cheating... If this is the only big issue that you've come across in 19 years, I would try out counselling. Both of your expectations and thresholds of what you perceive as innocent fun is not the same. Through the process, you may find out why he thought it would be OK. Good luck. 2
laya234 Posted May 24, 2013 Posted May 24, 2013 i know exactly how you feel. i just posted my story - just do a search for strip clubs and you'll find it. the day he admitted that he went to one - twice, i was ready to divorce him. i was seriously thinking that was the only solution. but, once i cooled off and we talked things over, i realized that maybe this transgression didn't warrant a divorce, just yet. however, the knowledge that i have now, the fact that he had the balls to go knowing how i would feel, just makes me paranoid about his every move. i know that i do not want to live this way forever. so, now i'm going to counseling and will probably be on meds to be able to deal with his past actions. i do not understand how men can justify going to a strip club like it's no big deal. it's like they view the strippers as objects that don't have thoughts and feelings. in my opinion, married or committed men who go to strip clubs have no respect for the partner. and those who go and get lapdances and other "services", well, they are just pigs. and i can't help but wonder, is my husband one of those pigs? he says he didn't have any contact or get a dance, but who really knows? that's the bad part. you will never know.
Jonah Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Insist that he drinks no more ever. And don't you either. Take alcohol out of your lives and you will see an improvement in all areas. It's not just the intoxication that is toxic, it is the premise... the belief that this substance that loosens up inhibitions thus making promiscuity more likely is all in fun. By allowing it you are allowing just this type of behavior into your family, your home. Talk a look at the threads here... alcohol is a factor in most. In denial, not many will admit it, but its right there. 2
BetrayedH Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 I'm a little surprised that one evening at a strip club would be a dealbreaker for a 19 yr relationship. But I respect that everyone's standards and expectations vary. I hope that you have previously communicated that it would be the end if he ever went to one. If I had a recommendation, it would be to attend marriage counseling to work on this issue and communication between you in general. And for what it's worth, I do give him some credit for coming clean with you about it, especially if he had any idea your reaction would be to this extent. You don't have to accept that he went but I would respect that he was honest the next day. Just my $.02 2
Goodbye Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Insist that he drinks no more ever. And don't you either. Take alcohol out of your lives and you will see an improvement in all areas. It's not just the intoxication that is toxic, it is the premise... the belief that this substance that loosens up inhibitions thus making promiscuity more likely is all in fun. By allowing it you are allowing just this type of behavior into your family, your home. Talk a look at the threads here... alcohol is a factor in most. In denial, not many will admit it, but its right there. This is so true Jonah. In fact, I wonder how many affairs started with alcohol involved.
standtall Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Well layla, I think you're way way overreacting, and I also think that there is more to this that just a strip club. Just the part where you said "the fact he had the balls" says volumes....such as there is some kind of power struggle going on. I suggest some counseling.
Athens Posted May 25, 2013 Posted May 25, 2013 Although I agree with the others that a strip club is not a deal breaker, what I think is important is you are hurt and unhappy. In a calm and positive way, you and your husband need to have a serious talk about what is acceptable in your marriage. You may find you both need to give a little to meet in the middle and strengthen your marriage. 3
Jenn.Smith Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I think alcohol just gives people the guts to do what they've secretly been wanting to do all along. But now they have an excuse to blame it on - "I was drunk!" Pfftt. I think This can be true but I know it can also not be true. The person I am when I drink is not me. And that is why I chose not to drink. Because I do drink to blackout point and i am a terrible person drunk. So, while O am sure many people use it as an excuse there is a reason and that is because for many it does alter their personality past mere inhibitions beig taken away.
SweetiePie12 Posted May 26, 2013 Posted May 26, 2013 I'm a little surprised that one evening at a strip club would be a dealbreaker for a 19 yr relationship. Sounds like it's more than that, though. Ogling the waitress? How disgraceful. His wife deserves to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I think it's very shady to get a hotel room with his buddy, too. Sorry. My alarm bells are ringing loudly, and I am sorry for the OPs pain. And for what it's worth, I do give him some credit for coming clean with you about it, especially if he had any idea your reaction would be to this extent. He gets no credit on my books for that. It's almost like, by coming clean, he's defining a boundary: I will do what I want, and you will deal with it. I think he needs a wake up call. Everything the OP described, to me, sounds like emotional abuse, and it will corrode her self esteem. 1
ComingInHot Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Well, when sweetie is right, she's... Right* There IS a big problem. M is sustained on mutual agreement, respect, trust and loyalty. I don't necessarily think jumping to D is the best answer based soley on what you've posted so far, but I DO think BetayedH's advice is worthy of consideration. Your H needs to understand (not just from your Reaction) from an authority's POV the impact his choices and behavior has had and the full consequenses should they continue. MC is probably the first best option for the both of you as well as the MC providing a new set of boundaries that are mutually acceptable to you both. If That Is a Problem for your H, then consider your other options ie; Separation , D etc... CIH* 2
BetrayedH Posted May 27, 2013 Posted May 27, 2013 Sounds like it's more than that, though. Ogling the waitress? How disgraceful. His wife deserves to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I think it's very shady to get a hotel room with his buddy, too. Sorry. My alarm bells are ringing loudly, and I am sorry for the OPs pain. He gets no credit on my books for that. It's almost like, by coming clean, he's defining a boundary: I will do what I want, and you will deal with it. I think he needs a wake up call. Everything the OP described, to me, sounds like emotional abuse, and it will corrode her self esteem. Oh, there's plenty of alarm bells. As CIH said, I just think some REAL communication is what's in order here and it may well include ultimatums from the OP about what she needs and expects from the marriage. I'm just not so quick to jump to divorce; they took vows to work out the differences between them. Marriage counseling is often the best place to have such difficult conversations because it provides structure to when and where these subjects will be discussed, the presence of a third party tends to make people a little less emotional, and an objective third party can bring some negotiation to the table that wouldn't otherwise exist. These kinds of problems can be resolved and I think they both have an obligation to exhaust these resources before throwing in the towel.
Spark1111 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 You know what? I wouldn't want for a husband a guy talking of other women's body parts, visiting the big, hot rack waitress, getting drunk with the guys and going to a strip club to have strippers dancing half nude in their noses. You know why? Because it is disrespectful to the wife, the marriage, and women in general. These same guys would stroke out IF their wives were caught or confessed to the same exact scenario as described by the OP. Would HE or any man want for a wife someone who talked of guys packages, the hot built, big bulge waiter at the diner; who got drunk with the girls, spent tons, had lap dances, booked a room and didn't come home for the night? I think NOT. Every other male poster here would claim infidelity, lying, how do you know she DID NOT pay to bring a dancer to the room and to dump immediately her lying, cheating azz.
youngnlove89 Posted May 28, 2013 Posted May 28, 2013 I don't think attending a strip club is adultry... but the lap dances etc can be very offside. Is this the first issue that you've had? If you haven't had any issues (or so you think) up until now, maybe I would ask if going to counselling would be an option? Perhaps him telling you, he genuinely thought, he was being open and that it was ok. He didn't sleep with another woman... My boyfriend has gone to strip clubs in the past with his buddies for bachelor parties. They order a lap dance for the groom and the groom usually tries to order for his friends so he's not the only one getting "embarrassed". Not saying it's right, but everyones tolerance is different. My bf and I comment on women who are attractive... he hasn't gone blind and I think it would be unrealistic of me to think he would NEVER find another woman attractive. Just like it would be unrealistic for him to think I'd gone blind and would never find another man attractive. However, that doesn't mean we would ever consider cheating... If this is the only big issue that you've come across in 19 years, I would try out counselling. Both of your expectations and thresholds of what you perceive as innocent fun is not the same. Through the process, you may find out why he thought it would be OK. Good luck. I agree with this ^^^^ My guy has gone to strip clubs before with his guy friends. It was usually only when we were broken up though. If he were to do it while we were together, it wouldn't make me the happiest person. I would be livid. He "says" he only does it because his friends paid for him. He has never bought a lap dance and doesn't want one, but he recently got two while we were broken up because his friend bought them for him. It made me sad. But he was honest enough to tell me. He said it didn't turn him on, but I don't believe that. haha BUT, I could totally understand how you feel because it is not right for him to be doing that while married. That is dirty. You are normal to feel this way. Sure, men can find other women attractive and women will find other men attractive. BUT you have to have boundaries and lines. He is crossing them by getting lap dances. I think that is cheating.
Recommended Posts