Hello_123 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Hi there, Im wondering if someone is able to help give me some advice? I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 and half years on and off. I say on and off because he has had commitment issues - yet we get back together. This has happened 3 times. We were best friends, I was very involved with his family, spent lots of time with his grandad, looked after my boyfriend when he was going through surgery etc. There were instances in our lives and work where we both needed support and that went two ways. He was always very loving, he would have surprises for me and I for him. Everything was going amazingly for the past 10 months and then out of the blue I get a TEXT!! We had talked the day before - we were seeing each other every day, and I get a text saying I need space and time and cutting a long story short he doesn't want to be in a long term relationship. I still love him and I do know that he still loves me, but how can someone who loves you do that to you? He has had problems with his mum since he has been young and has even told me he can manage to just block her out, ive told him that you cant do that as it will eat you up and bottled up thoughts make people bitter...he says he knows but has learnt from an early age to do this, because he cant cope with emotion, is this what hes done to me?? Ive never pressurised him about anything, hes not under the thumb...what have I done wrong? I really miss him but I havent contacted him and he hasnt contacted me for past 3 wks.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 You can care about somebody and even love somebody, but sometimes need a break. Maybe he feels like he's not putting enough energy into himself. Maybe he's feeling a little lost. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. If you care for and love him, you will give him all the space he needs. It will HURT. But it's the greatest thing you can do for him and yourself. Go NO CONTACT. It's friggin' hard, but worth it. It's not to "win him back" but to "take care of yourself." Right now you need to take care of you because at this point, he's taking care of himself.
Author Hello_123 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Thank you. I care about him so much, so havent been in touch. It does hurt..and im not the kind of person that wants to give up on someone, but you are absolutely right thank you.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Yes, it will hurt. Map out your plan to remain no contact. I have a list of activities to distract me, but I will allow myself to sometimes feel the hurt too. You just can't get yourself stuck in the hurt, as it will drive up your anxiety and the next thing you know, you'll be contacting him out of desperation. Then, when he rejects you again, you'll just feel worse. Right now you just focus on you.
youngnlove89 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Hi there, Im wondering if someone is able to help give me some advice? I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 and half years on and off. I say on and off because he has had commitment issues - yet we get back together. This has happened 3 times. We were best friends, I was very involved with his family, spent lots of time with his grandad, looked after my boyfriend when he was going through surgery etc. There were instances in our lives and work where we both needed support and that went two ways. He was always very loving, he would have surprises for me and I for him. Everything was going amazingly for the past 10 months and then out of the blue I get a TEXT!! We had talked the day before - we were seeing each other every day, and I get a text saying I need space and time and cutting a long story short he doesn't want to be in a long term relationship. I still love him and I do know that he still loves me, but how can someone who loves you do that to you? He has had problems with his mum since he has been young and has even told me he can manage to just block her out, ive told him that you cant do that as it will eat you up and bottled up thoughts make people bitter...he says he knows but has learnt from an early age to do this, because he cant cope with emotion, is this what hes done to me?? Ive never pressurised him about anything, hes not under the thumb...what have I done wrong? I really miss him but I havent contacted him and he hasnt contacted me for past 3 wks. Oh.my.god. I just belted out a laugh because I am so shocked. Your story is exactly like mine! Was with a commitment issue based guy for 2 years, off and on, we both loved each other, he would break up with me out of the blue and he also had issues with his mom too. And hasn't talked to her in a long time!! It has been 2 weeks since we have talked. Holy moly! Crazy, huh? It's tough girl, being with someone who can't commit. But they can't commit to leaving you either. It's weird. Did you guys live together? How old are the two of you?
california15 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I'm sorry this happened to you (especially in a text! That should make you mad he didn't think you were worth a phone call! You deserve at least that much. sometimes it helps to get a little angry to realize what you won't put up with again. Just don't let it consume you). I'm here to reinforce the NC advice. It makes a world of difference trust me. It's one of the only ways I was able to survive my 4year relationship ending. Just take it a day at a time. We're all here to help you and support you. Don't blame yourself for a man who stated he can't handle emotions. He has some figuring out to do and the best thing is just give him space and focus on you. Love yourself and use this space to pamper yourself and learn more about yourself. You'll be okay
Treasa Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Been there, done that. With a man SIX TIMES. Hardest ****ing lesson, but I will never, ever forget it. Now, if a man isn't smart enough to realize what he has the first time, he doesn't get a second shot.
Author Hello_123 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 youngnlove89 I am 30 and he is 26. We didnt live together but he spent ALL his time at mine. He did loads of football and was always at the gym and I encouraged him to go out with the guys and I have my own circle of friends, as thats important. I was never like where are you going, Id rather you stayed in with me etc...he was free to do what he wanted. Of course we loved spending time together. I never brought up marriage or anything. I know he hasnt told his dads side of the family because they keep phoning and emailing me, like nothing has happened, its like my ex doesnt know what he wants or in denial or something. Who knows. Im sorry you are experiencing tthe same thing. Its hard you know, because theres not a reason for it, id almost in a way rather have some closure - like 'oh im sorry I don't fancy you anymore or I like someone else' but its not about that. I managed to talk with him after he sent me the text and he said you make me the happiest ive ever been, I still am attracted to you and I am in love with you!?!?!? that just makes it stranger for me. The whole thing with his mum has left him with massive self confidence issues, and i honestly think he thinks hes not good enough. I have keep up with no contact and I will do, because although I still love him I just dont feel this is fair anymore. He wont find someone that loves him and supports him as much I do, i know that for a fact. His other girlfriends were as he put it 'high maintenence, difficult, and disrespectful and he loved me because I was a complete opposite. You need to look after yourself,..your ex will kick himself when he realises if he hasnt already that you were the best thing for him. I hope you are ok, sending you hugs x
Author Hello_123 Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 Thank you so much for all your support -its really lovely and helped me loads x
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