Tmo2 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Hi everyone, I have a dilemma, sort-of... I was dumped 7 months ago. Since then, we both ''explored'' with other people. She rebounded quickly, and I took half the time healing and doing some introspection. We had only 2 months of complete no contact and for the last 3 months it was low contact (about once per week or once every two weeks). E-mail and phone calls. Things are progressing slowly, rebuilding the friendship, and trust (I guess). We met last weekend, spent two afternoons together biking. I felt the communication was better, I sensed some remorse by her for dumping me. It was very sweet passing time together, we had a very long hug at one point during on of the the day wich felt healing for both of us, we talked allot about what went wrong and how healthy relationships should be. Finally, we even holded hands for crossing a busy street at one point, but I still don't know what her intentions are... I am feeling good about myself and my life. I will continue to go forward whatever happens. Its kinda like being in between friends and lovers. I'm still very attracted to her, I often wanted to grab her, wrestle her, and make out. Should I confront her and ask her where does she think this is going? Or should I simply continue acting as I do and wait for her to bring it up? Also, I am not sure where I should put my boundaries. As of now holding hands and hugging is ok, but I feel like kissing is to much. Problem is that sometimes I also want to take her to the bedroom... I am a bit confused I don't want to pressure the situation, since I'm not willing to jump back right in the relationship. And I am feeling fine with just letting things go and see what happens. But at the same time I don't want to be used and then broken hearted again by her. We will be seeing each other very shortly, tonight actually, we are going trekking together tomorrow. Thanks for your input: -Tmo
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 What do you really want? If you want to reconcile because you have feelings, you'll need to gather up some courage and ask her what she would think of you two dating again. You must be prepared for worst case scenario. If you don't get the answer you want, you will need to put no contact back into place for awhile until you get your hearth and feelings under control.
Lostint Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I think you should just keep doing what you are doing. Don't bring up reconciling for the moment. As you said, you need to rebuild trust. If you start panicking and looking for more, she may reject you and you'll be gutted all over again. Take it slow and let it happen naturally. But maybe put a time limit on how long you're willing to invest in this - say if things haven't moved on after a month or two months or whatever feels right to you, you will have to start moving on with your own life and stop waiting for her to be ready. It sounds like things are going well. Just relax and take it easy. And good luck! 2
BC1980 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I definitely would not put pressure on it at this point. That being said, you are taking an emotional risk here. You are setting yourself up for an even bigger fall if the two of you don't end up together. Proceed with caution. 1
Author Tmo2 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I definitely would not put pressure on it at this point. That being said, you are taking an emotional risk here. You are setting yourself up for an even bigger fall if the two of you don't end up together. Proceed with caution. Thanks, i will kept that in mind, I was thinking about it today and doing nothing at this point is probably better than pressure... It's the first time I'm in this position, before I would just shut the door close. Thanks for the advice, it feels kinda weird overall 1
SimonSerenade Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Go at the pace you feel comfortable with, you'll know when the time is right, don't force things out of your comfort zone, she may very well be thinking the same thing as you right now, the important thing is that your enjoying your time together and little by little rebuilding what was once blown away.
Author Tmo2 Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 Thanks for your replies, we had a great time together. She is still seeing someone though, last time we saw each other she told me she has been thinking about leaving him and was waiting the right time to do so. This time she told me that each time she was about to leave him things went better. She also tells me she is not in love with him and never did, she told me a list of things that bothered her about him and that she does not see herself with him in the long run. She is frickin confused. She is definitely getting the best of both worlds now... So I spent the day thinking about this and I came to a conclusion that I need to back off. I need to let her come to me.. It is clear she still has feelings for me, but at the same time she is not ready to commit or else I think she would dump the other guy without hesitation. I feel as I have done all that I was supposed to do. I successfully showed her my changes and that I was ready and able to move on. She gave me the feeling it could work between us. The only thing missing is her desire to come back to me. I concluded that the next time she contacts me I will tell her that I had allot of fun with her and that's what I want to live with her, but not while she is seeing someone else. I don't want to be second in row. No-one can be truly happy that way. I don't want to be just friends because I feel something unique with her (I am still attracted to her even after all of this) She knows me well enough and I want it to be exclusive between us, I will tell her to come see me when she is ready or when she will want it and if I'm available we can work things out from there. It is clear for me now. This is the part where I have to pull my pants higher and be ready to leave for good. At first I wanted to wait for her to open up to me and tell me her intentions, but now I understand that she is ever so confused and I can't wait for her to decide what will happen between us. This is what I want and maybe this is what she needs to hear or know. I will be happier in the black/white zone rather then the grays...
Simon Phoenix Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 She's still seeing someone and hanging out with you? Red flag. She's venting to you about her problems with another guy. That's definitely not where you want to be.
Author Tmo2 Posted May 22, 2013 Author Posted May 22, 2013 (edited) She's still seeing someone and hanging out with you? Red flag. She's venting to you about her problems with another guy. That's definitely not where you want to be. Indeed, I don't want to see her in person until things have changed... I am kinda pissed at myself for still being attracted to her after all of this. I guess I will need to replace her with someone else to completely move on. Maybe I want it to work to much* Edited May 22, 2013 by Tmo2
aisuru Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Indeed, I don't want to see her in person until things have changed... I am kinda pissed at myself for still being attracted to her after all of this. I guess I will need to replace her with someone else to completely move on. Maybe I want it to work to much* Don't be pissed at yourself for still having attraction. There is nothing wrong with that. You realize you have to back away and that is wise. Take care of yourself. Things will happen as they should.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 Indeed, I don't want to see her in person until things have changed... I am kinda pissed at myself for still being attracted to her after all of this. I guess I will need to replace her with someone else to completely move on. Maybe I want it to work to much* Being attracted to her is natural. But you can't allow yourself to be a pet to her because of that. Just back off, at least until she's done with the other guy, and work on you. If and when she backs off, then maybe you can decide if you want to proceed or not. And you'll be in a better place to make that decision. You never know what will happen in the future. It just seems that now might not be the best time to pursue this.
na49 Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 As long as she is still with him, nothing else she tells you really matters. Getting back together isn't a game that you have to play and win. It's one person wanting to be with the other person again, and the other person feeling the same way.
Author Tmo2 Posted May 27, 2013 Author Posted May 27, 2013 You never know what will happen in the future. It just seems that now might not be the best time to pursue this. What do you guys think about holding hope?
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