forgetmenot75 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I broke up with him 17 days ago because he didn't love and only used me for sex. He is a player. I started no contact immediately however I couldn't prevent myself from looking his Internet activity. For that reason I discovered he's in love with another woman and probably they are starting something together. I deleted his telephone number and texts this morning, also I deleted an account I have in a dating site that we used to send messages to each other. This is the end. Why then I feel so defeated and sad right now? I can't cope with my sadnes even though I know he's a douche bad and an assclown. Please, some advice needed, I want to feel ok, but his rejection is hard to digest.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 You feel miserable because you cut an important part of your life out. It will hurt and sting for awhile. You'll go through the stages of grief and eventually accept that it's over for the greater good. You've taken the correct first steps by removing signs of him from your life. Now it's time to write a list of things you'll do to keep yourself busy so you don't dwell on the past. Time to take care of you. Get out and meet new friends, hang with old friends, learn a new hobby, clean your home. Write your life goals. It doesn't matter what he's doing. It matters how you take care of yourself and heal from this.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 I've been feeling low and sad for as long as the relationship lasted. IT was a nightmare. He always treated me very badly. Now I know it was my fault. My self esteem was very low and I allowed him to use me. I thought he'll love me, because I thought I was special. BIG MISTAKE. Players don't fall in love, at least he didn't fall in love with me in the 5 months we lasted together. Aisuru, I'm trying to think on things to do next week to keep busy, but now I just want to grieve, lay in bed and watch a movie. I'm so hurt right now. What I find extremely difficult is to break the crazy bond I create with him, even though I'm NC, I still miss him and hope he'll contact me. I just can't believe he's seeing someone else and he's saying to her the sweet words he never told to me. Ugh. I want to stop thinking and hoping. I want to forget about him and all of his s***.
siankat Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Hun players don't love, they just have littler challenges, and bigger challenges But in the end ALL the women end up with the same man....the douchebag Sorry you are hurting.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 It sounds like you might be mourning the idea of a close relationship with this guy when indeed it sounds like it was unhealthy. Until you tackle your self esteem issues, I fear you will continue to attract men like him who will take advantage of you. Have your day in bed watching movies and reading the internet. But you need to determine how you will address your self esteem issues so you can find a relationship you deserve AND treat yourself the way you deserve. It that includes therapy, you should consider that as well. It will get better. Rejection is hard, but think of it this way... He did you a favor so he wouldn't continue to treat you like crap.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Siankat, you used the exact words: challenge. When one stops being a challenge, they are not interested anymore. Aisuru: yes, I thought I could have some sort of close relationship with him, but he never gave me any chance to get closer to him. I'm doing counseling right now Still can't believe I am disposable. When I'll start feeling better? when I'll think of him as the loser he really is? I still can't see him that way, although I know he's a player, and a loser, and he'll always be miserable.
siankat Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Pretty much dont let him have anymore of you and by that i mean, the speedier the recovery the better. He will carry on doing what hes doing but you will be onto better things if you choose to live your life accepting better men into it. I dunno how long you were involved but im guessing less than 6 months? I advise always give at least that amount of time before my a decision on whether the person is longer term for you than not. Sure the heady whirlwind romance is what we all love but as we know it doesn't last as it started, and evolves, it is worth holding on to reality even during the honeymoon period
Author forgetmenot75 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Hi Siankat, I'm not sure I got the idea of what you said in the last message. I know for sure he's not a long term relationship for me. We've been seeing each other for almost 5 months.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Siankat, you used the exact words: challenge. When one stops being a challenge, they are not interested anymore. Aisuru: yes, I thought I could have some sort of close relationship with him, but he never gave me any chance to get closer to him. I'm doing counseling right now Still can't believe I am disposable. When I'll start feeling better? when I'll think of him as the loser he really is? I still can't see him that way, although I know he's a player, and a loser, and he'll always be miserable. YOU are NOT disposable. Wipe that thought from your brain right now. Part of this is realizing that sometimes, a relationship just isn't working any more for one or both people in the relationship. You have to accept that each person is looking for something, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Come on, I'm sure there have been guys who were interested in you but you passed them by because you weren't interested in them. It happens to all of us. Doesn't mean a person is disposable. That's self defeating speak and won't do you any good. 1
california15 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I think you did the right thing by ending it, and I hope one day you can draw strength for moving on from knowing that. I'm sorry you're hurting. It hurts badly because you cared, thats nothing to be ashamed of - try to focus that energy of caring you had towards him, towards yourself now (since it didn't seem like he was very nice and caring to you)
Hopeinme Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I can imagine how that feels. Right now, you ste caught up in your emotions and you cant think straight. But truth is, think about it this way: would you ever want a relationship where you are constantly being used for sex? Would that make you happy in the long run? You are definitely worth more to have a boyfriend like that. I know its hard, but you have to lkeep focusing on loving yourself and telling yourself you deserve way better. Put the past behind and start engaging in self loving activities. hugs
Author forgetmenot75 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 YOU are NOT disposable. Wipe that thought from your brain right now. Part of this is realizing that sometimes, a relationship just isn't working any more for one or both people in the relationship. You have to accept that each person is looking for something, and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Come on, I'm sure there have been guys who were interested in you but you passed them by because you weren't interested in them. It happens to all of us. Doesn't mean a person is disposable. That's self defeating speak and won't do you any good. I am disposable FOR HIM. That's the most hurting feeling. I am not disposable, but he treated me like I was.
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I am disposable FOR HIM. That's the most hurting feeling. I am not disposable, but he treated me like I was. Nope, still not the same thing. You feel that way because you're hurting right now. But those thoughts are not conducive to healing. The reality is that sometimes we're not enough for the person we're with. It hurts. And we feel rejected. But it does NOT mean we are disposable.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I think you did the right thing by ending it, and I hope one day you can draw strength for moving on from knowing that. I'm sorry you're hurting. It hurts badly because you cared, thats nothing to be ashamed of - try to focus that energy of caring you had towards him, towards yourself now (since it didn't seem like he was very nice and caring to you) I've been feeling bad almost since I've started seeing him. I kept with the relationship because I thought he'll love me as much as I did (I'm so glad I'm writing "did" and not "do"!) I just want all this to end, I want to feel ME again and take him out of my mind, he doesn't deserve any of my thoughts. No, he wasn't very nice. Never said he missed me, or loved me, or cared for me. NEVER. What an *******.
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I've been feeling bad almost since I've started seeing him. I kept with the relationship because I thought he'll love me as much as I did (I'm so glad I'm writing "did" and not "do"!) I just want all this to end, I want to feel ME again and take him out of my mind, he doesn't deserve any of my thoughts. No, he wasn't very nice. Never said he missed me, or loved me, or cared for me. NEVER. What an *******. I understand. The man who wanted to move in with me couldn't even tell me he thought of me or missed me even a little by the time I saw him 5 weeks after he broke up with me over the phone while he was away on business. One week after I visited him. Told me on the phone he had no feelings for me. Resented me. Maybe he does. But I felt like he was saying those things so he wouldn't lead me on. But it hurt nonetheless. I'm sorry you're hurting.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Nope, still not the same thing. You feel that way because you're hurting right now. But those thoughts are not conducive to healing. The reality is that sometimes we're not enough for the person we're with. It hurts. And we feel rejected. But it does NOT mean we are disposable. Well, to think I'm not enough hurts the same. Hurts very bad actually, because I gave him my best yet it was not enough for him. He didn't care whether I break with him or not, he didn't even care he's not seeing me anymore. We wish we are special for the other person, because they are special for us. When they don't feel the same, one feels worthless. How long I'll feel this way? I want my self esteem again
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I've been feeling bad almost since I've started seeing him. I kept with the relationship because I thought he'll love me as much as I did (I'm so glad I'm writing "did" and not "do"!) I just want all this to end, I want to feel ME again and take him out of my mind, he doesn't deserve any of my thoughts. No, he wasn't very nice. Never said he missed me, or loved me, or cared for me. NEVER. What an *******. You need to separate the two distinct elements that are him, the individual, and your investment in him. Your investment in him is entirely yours to mold, hold, or 'sell' as you see fit. Your investment in him is much like that of somebody buying stock, and in your case, from what you've said in the post I quoted, you bought in at a level that suited you, and almost immediately you felt the stock plummet in value. Well the typical human mentality is to keep hanging on, and keep making excuses, while all the while believing that the value of the stock that represents (your investment IN) him will rebound and go higher. A person with a clear head that is not obscured by emotion, would assess the situation much differently and see that there are many other investments out there which are far better risks than the guy you were with. It is certainly OK to take a loss early and then move your investment (emotional) capital elsewhere. Most typically, people find themselves way behind on their investments, and admitting to themselves that the only hope for this investment to pay off is to stick around and pray that it 'gets better'. It seldom does! Even if your original investment had been worth $100,000, and after a couple of months it was only worth $40,000, that's still $40,000 worth of very good investment capital which could be better used elsewhere. So, in closing, again, separate the actual person who is "him"... from your own emotional investment IN him, and then understand, logically, why you don't want him around... and at the same time give yourself honest recognition and credit for your effort and your will for investing yourself IN another.
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Well, to think I'm not enough hurts the same. Hurts very bad actually, because I gave him my best yet it was not enough for him. He didn't care whether I break with him or not, he didn't even care he's not seeing me anymore. We wish we are special for the other person, because they are special for us. When they don't feel the same, one feels worthless. How long I'll feel this way? I want my self esteem again It takes awhile, but you'll be okay eventually. Just hold on to that thought. I promise.
OzHeartache Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Well, to think I'm not enough hurts the same. Hurts very bad actually, because I gave him my best yet it was not enough for him. He didn't care whether I break with him or not, he didn't even care he's not seeing me anymore. We wish we are special for the other person, because they are special for us. When they don't feel the same, one feels worthless. How long I'll feel this way? I want my self esteem again Im feeling exactly the same way, cant tell you how to fix it.....but just know you are not alone and im sure we will get through it in time.......I hope!
crazy1234 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 i'm going through something similar too..i feel devastated..and stop going through his internet activity its only gonna make u feel so much muchh worse..nothing helps at these times..so give time some time..it'll all be okay..soon..for now..what i do is distract myself in every possible way..go a frend's place(not that i have alot of frends bt stil..even one person can make u feel better sometimes),go out with frends,watch sitcoms,read books(force them if necessary)..and dont jump into relationships now..its only gonna make things worse for u in the future..take time to love again!to sum it all up..it'll get better as each day passes by:) 1
Author forgetmenot75 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I'm sorry there are so much other people hurting like me. This pain is the worst I've ever felt in a long time. I don't wish anyone to feel this way. Today is a new day, and I dreamed about him, just like yesterday and the day before. I dreamed I was walking in thick and dirty mud, barefoot. And he appeared on the news, on a TV somewhere. He was a suspect on making a blonde woman disappear. So weird. I'm not blonde. I feel sick right now, its amazing how all the hearth ache sometimes transforms in actual ache and sickness. I feel so weak I just want to lay down and sleep. I really need this grieve to be over, I just cannot stand thinking of him anymore. Why all the good memories come to my mind? Why I can't remember how idiot he was?
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Rejection is real b*tch!! Absolutely the hardest part of this whole process so far. I feel your pain. I really do. I can tell you that after a few months, it will be less. At least for me it is. However my RS lasted 3 years, so not sure how long it will take you. But it does get better. It does. Just focus on how much of a douche he was/is. That should help a little
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