Sookie1 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Well, I don't really have any parent figures. I have a few friends, but they are very religious and don't date. I'm very confused about this guy. I feel like he uses me and he doesn't care about me, but I care a lot about him. Please read old threads if you want to know anything further, but he is very affectionate with me. We don't have sex because we are both waiting. I feel very insecure with him, and sometimes I say things like "You don't care about me" or "I don't know why I care, you're always being an ******* towards me" and I said this to him last week, and he just went completely crazy! He told me to go **** myself and he did not invite me to his party, but he invited my sibblings. I thought that was kind of mean. I sent him a message about it, and I told him he really has some nerve doing this to me and I hope he's proud of himself. He has not responded to it. It's been 3 days. Why do I feel insecure? Because I'm always starting conversations. If I don't text him, we won't speak at all. He also cut me off last year over something dumb, but he apologized and said he's going to try to fix things. If I need anything, he will do it, but as far as emotional support or just being a good guy to me, he's horrible. I'm very inexperienced, but I feel like this guy is just very selfish! Am I just too insecure to appreciate him and he got tired of it, or is he really an *******?
KPChick000 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I feel like he uses me and he doesn't care about me, but I care a lot about him. I feel like you have the answer right there. If you believe he is using you and doesn't care about you, then why do you want to be with him? I understand you care about him, but you have to put yourself first. The relationship doesn't sound like one that gives you the security and confidence that you deserve. It makes you act in a passive-aggressive way- "you don't care about me" to make him show you that he cares. It shouldn't be this way. You're 19 and still very young - if you cut him loose, you will see that there are other guys out there who will treat you right. 2
Author Sookie1 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Is it passive aggressive when I say that? I didn't know that. But you are right. I don't know, I just feel like maybe I am too hard on him or I set my standards way too high. I feel like it's not all his fault and he's acting that way because of something I did. We have bad communication.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Is it passive aggressive when I say that? I didn't know that. But you are right. I don't know, I just feel like maybe I am too hard on him or I set my standards way too high. I feel like it's not all his fault and he's acting that way because of something I did. We have bad communication. Yes, it is passive aggressive... and a little manipulative. You would do well to learn how to break that cycle of communication. I was like that in my teen years and early twenties. It took a few broken hearts, lost dreams, and years of sporadic therapy to break that cycle. Once you realize you can't manipulate the best relationships, you'll (hopefully) stop using those tactics. You'll be okay. You'll heal from this. I know it's not what you want to hear, but you're young and will continue to evolve as a person over the years. I can't tell you how thankful I am at 36, that I did not marry my first love when I was 16... Or even the love of my life I had at 26. :laugh:
Author Sookie1 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 It might not be what I want to hear, but it's what I need to hear. I guess I can be very manipulative and passive aggressive then. I don't know how to speak to him about my insecurities. I feel very vulnerable and to be honest, I don't trust him enough to expose myself to him.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 It might not be what I want to hear, but it's what I need to hear. I guess I can be very manipulative and passive aggressive then. I don't know how to speak to him about my insecurities. I feel very vulnerable and to be honest, I don't trust him enough to expose myself to him. You can't tell him. No guy wants to hear about your insecurities. They don't want a project. You just have to recognize it in yourself and work on growing yourself. Everybody has some type of insecurities. It's about how you allow them to influence your life. Time to make yourself a project and fix you. Recognizing your insecurities or poor communication/relationship habits is the first step. Now you have to initiate change. Take it from me... you will be alone until you deal with these habits. Or at the worst, you'll end up with somebody who is more passive aggressive and manipulative than you and you'll find yourself in a co-dependent toxic relationship. It's hard to hear, but you're young and there is time to turn this around. 1
Author Sookie1 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 So if I feel like he doesn't care, I don't tell him that? How do I work on myself to be more secure with our relationship? Well, my future relationships?
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 So if I feel like he doesn't care, I don't tell him that? How do I work on myself to be more secure with our relationship? Well, my future relationships? Why would he care if you tell him he doesn't care if he doesn't care? It's not going to change whether he cares or not. The first step toward self esteem is liking yourself. Have you done any reading about self esteem? What has happened to you in your life that you don't feel whole by yourself? Time for you to start asking yourself some very hard questions and answering them honestly. No guy is going to like you more than you like yourself. That's why women with low self esteem get into these relationships where they feel unfulfilled and begin acting passive aggressive, clingy, and manipulative. That's not healthy. You have to find yourself first and value yourself before you should consider a relationship. Therapy, books, and self awareness have helped me as well as modeling some of my girlfriends who are very self aware and have good self esteem. 1
Author Sookie1 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 You honestly opened my mind a little. That really hit me. It makes sense that a guy wouldn't like me more than I love myself. I think I did become clingy and manipulative. I'm going to read a bit more and try to work on myself instead of trying to change others to fit my mold. Thank you so much aisuru <3
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 You honestly opened my mind a little. That really hit me. It makes sense that a guy wouldn't like me more than I love myself. I think I did become clingy and manipulative. I'm going to read a bit more and try to work on myself instead of trying to change others to fit my mold. Thank you so much aisuru <3 I am glad it helped. It is tough to hear, I know. I was that girl. When I stopped those habits and really took better care of myself, my relationships got better. Actually, so did my friendships and how I interacted with people period. It's very hard to recognize about yourself. You'll be okay. 1
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