madden Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 i just broke up with my bf after 3 years. we're both 21. i still love him but im no longer 'in love with him' if that makes sense. i've been trying to sort things out like regular fights, him degrading and verbally abusing me, not giving support when i needed and always reminding me of past mistakes (nothing of the type of cheating) that i made. i decided to break up thinking of me mostly. i do feel extremely guilty and selfish. he's been talking to me since yesterday (day we broke up) and he's been asking for me back. he's been crying ( he never does!) and he is in an extremely bad state. i feel more and more guilt. he says he needs me and he wants me back at all cost. he says he'll change for better and treat me better. he says all pretty things that i would love hearing some time back. if i do give him another chance it would be only for his sake and not mine. there's no guarantee ill be happy or if i'll treat him well. he says i've broken his heart into pieces and i've turned him into a dead person. he is extremely depressed and says he is in the same state as that when his ex broke up with him 3 years back. I FEEL LIKE A SELFISH BITCH. what would you do in my place?
Phoebe Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Go NC. You know that you don't want to be with this guy, if you get back together out of guilt it's not going to last. Right now he's in a lot of pain, but breakups are painful. The more you keep talking to him the more hope he's going to have that the two of you can work it out. It's kinder to go NC and let him move on with his life. 3
ThatJustHappened Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Exactly what Phoebe said. By continuing to talk to him you are giving him hope that you'll get back together when it's clear that you don't want that. I know it seems cruel but the best thing you can do for him is to gently tell him that you don't want to get back together and you don't think friendship is a good idea, and then just cut him off. If you read around this section of this site, you'll see that most of the threads are from the dumpee's point of view. You'll learn a lot about what your ex is going through. By continuing to talk to him you are leading him on, and that's not fair to either of you. You shouldn't force yourself to be in a relationship you don't want to be in just because you feel guilty, and you shouldn't give him false hope. 1
KatZee Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Why do you think Karma is going to come for you? It's not. You've given him 3 years of your life to treat you right, and to do right by you. He hasn't. It shouldn't take you leaving him for him to pull his head out of his a.ss and be a great boyfriend to you. In situations like this, it's perfectly fine to be selfish. You're not happy. You don't want to be in the relationship anymore. He's going to have to deal with that, and I promise you he WILL be OK. Don't let him guilt you into being with him. You already know that you wouldn't be happy going back to him, and it would be for his sake only. That's not a healthy relationship. Also, it wouldn't be right to date him just to make HIM happy, then what about you? You need to look out for yourself first and foremost. 2
BustedUpInside Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 That's terrible for you. It must be really hard to break up with someone that you still love, but just don't really see a future with. He might actually know that you two aren't right for each other too, but is holding on to the relationship because it is hard to be the one who was rejected. It really does a number on the dumpee's self esteem. My best advice is to tell him that you are going to stop talking to him for awhile. Just tell him that you guys aren't going to be reconciling and that you would like some space away from the relationship to think. If he calls and texts and makes more promises, tell him one last time that you won't be speaking about it anymore. You have made a decision and it is final. Then go total NC. The nice thing about having no contact is that it will allow him to gain some perspective as well. Maybe he really will change and then you can get back together at some point, but that is really not the point right now. The point is for you to figure out what you would like out of life and you can't do that if you are constantly fighting with an ex about how you guys should/should not be together. 1
Author madden Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 thank you all. i believe im ****ing up things for him. i know im extremely hurting him and i feel sooo bad thinking for myself while he is in so much pain. he says im killing him and as far as i know him i know that he loves me like noone else and he can't stand me going. i know i am breaking his heart and it could have disastrous consequences on his personal life, his personality etc but yet i am still putting myself first.
KatZee Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 thank you all. i believe im ****ing up things for him. i know im extremely hurting him and i feel sooo bad thinking for myself while he is in so much pain. he says im killing him and as far as i know him i know that he loves me like noone else and he can't stand me going. i know i am breaking his heart and it could have disastrous consequences on his personal life, his personality etc but yet i am still putting myself first. Yeah, this is typically what you have to do when you need to do what's right for you. You're not happy. That's not your fault. He hasn't been good to you and if he's feeling the negative effects of that, it's his own fault. He's been verbally and emotionally abusive. He doesn't just get to guilt trip you now and manipulate you into staying with him just because he may have "disastrous consequences" in his life. It's his fault if his life takes a downward turn. Everyone has control of their own lives, and if he lets this affect his personality, his career, his personal life, schooling, or whatever else, that's HIS FAULT not yours. No one should stay with anyone just to keep them happy. It's not fair to you. You ALWAYS come first. 2
avelonia2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 thank you all. i believe im ****ing up things for him. i know im extremely hurting him and i feel sooo bad thinking for myself while he is in so much pain. he says im killing him and as far as i know him i know that he loves me like noone else and he can't stand me going. i know i am breaking his heart and it could have disastrous consequences on his personal life, his personality etc but yet i am still putting myself first. Why do you feel responsible for his life and personality? The only person that can take care of you is you. There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first because it opens the door for others to come into your life who will put you first in their's too. You're not helping him by giving into the guilt trips. You're enabling him. Taking care of yourself is essential to your own well being and by doing so your setting a boundary on him that he needs to do the same. Don't worry, he will be fine. When you stop enabling his behavior he will begin to take responsibility for his life. If you give in you will inhibit the process.
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