thefullmonty Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Hello all, I'm a new member here. I've never really written out my love life problems on a forum like this, but I thought that maybe having unbiased opinions from people that I don't personally know would be more helpful than opinions from friends and family. I tend to be long-winded in writing, so I apologize if this ends up being very wordy. So, I'm 24 and live in the states, and for the past four years of my life I was dating a Japanese girl. I first "met" her as a penpal through a Japanese class I was taking at my university--ie. we were online friends. We emailed back and forth a lot, then started Skyping, etc. all as a means of improving our languages (Japanese for me, English for her)--this was in 2009. That winter, myself and a friend of mine went to Japan to celebrate New Years, and I met her. For the sake of privacy, I'm just going to call her Jane, even though that's not an even remotely Japanese name ha. Anyway, that was a nerve-wrecking experience because we had talked a lot prior to actually meeting in person and you know, meeting someone like that for the first time is a big deal. Anyway, she was beautiful, funny, yadda yadda, and we really hit it off. I stayed in Japan for about 10 days that first trip and after that our Skypes became a little more relationship-centered and we started a long-distance relationship. It still wasn't too serious at this point, but we were devoted to one another. Anyway, I went back to Japan three more times that next year (2010) and actually ended up moving there in August of 2010 as an exchange student. She had an apartment that I moved into (as her roommate was just moving out--it was good timing) and so for the 8-9 months I was in Japan, we lived together. We got along great, no major fights really. There were times when I felt a little stifled--like I couldn't go out and really do everything I wanted to in Japan because I had to consider how she would feel. But other than that, everything was great. So, my stay as an exchange student was cut short by the earthquake/tsunami in March 2011. I had to go home out of nowhere and that kinda disrupted the plans I had set for after graduation (in May '11). She ended up coming back to the states with me in March, we stayed here about a month, then the both of us went back to Japan in May (when the lease for the apartment was up) to move her out and back home. I tried to look for a job teaching in Japan, but was too late in my applications. So, I went back home and once again we picked up with the "long-distance" relationship. We'd skype everyday, twice a day, and when I could I would go back and visit, and when she could she'd come here and visit, usually with about 4-6 months in-between visits. Anyway, if any of you have been in a long-distance relationship like that, you know that time can wear you down. We started talking about marriage, not necessarily because it's really what we were ready for, but because it was the only real way we could be together. I wanted to stay in the states, but (like now) I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to put all of my energy into. In time our skype became more and more argumentative and less just enjoying talking to one another and I came to realize that it wasn't working. She kept pushing toward getting married--to the point where all of the money I was making she expected me to save for "us". I felt like I still needed to do things on my own, and wasn't ready for that step yet. So I told her that. I told her that I don't really know who I am right now, and I don't really know what I want to do. I've been a relatively unsuccessful graduate the past two years, working crap jobs for low wages with a BA. I've entertained the idea of going to grad school, going to Japan to teach English, moving to find a job, etc. etc.--but I always change my mind every month or so. So I told her that I felt fake trying to be everything she wanted me to be, when I'm not even sure who I am. So we broke up in late Feb of this year, and we had been making plans for me to visit her in March (when I'm sure she expected me to propose). Anyway, she took it hard at first, but then kind of calmed down and has been really cool since. We still talk at least once a week for random reasons, but it's always quick and more friend-like than gf/bf-like. Recently, though, I find myself thinking about her a lot. As a person there weren't any major flaws that she had. The relationship changed both of us from who we had been at the start, and she realized that too, but at my core I know that I still love her. I feel like now still isn't the time to be "with" her (figuratively speaking, of course, as she's still in Japan) but I find myself torn over what to do--like I always am haha. I know I still love her, and without a doubt I know she still loves me. But I really have enjoyed the "single life" these past few months. I've gone out and talked to other girls and whatever, but never as a serious interest to pursue--I really just enjoy all the personal time I have, and friend/family time that I felt guilty about before. However, on the opposite side, I guess I miss her. Anyway, should I tell her how I feel about all of that? I kind of feel like I should just not mention it--I don't want to lead her on, just in case I'm just feeling lonely or something. I'm in a phase in my life where I'm kind of in a crisis, and I feel like until I get that crisis figured out, I can't completely commit myself to a serious relationship like I know she wants... and like I know she deserves. Any opinions/insight/questions/whatever are appreciated! Thanks for reading!
creighton0123 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Advice? Take a month or so without contacting her (let her know first). Keeping in regular contact is only prolonging the breakup - especially if she still wants to be with you and is staying away out of kindness. You won't truly know whether or not you want to be with her for the long haul until you reestablish yourself as an individual.
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Take another month, with minimal contact if any, to sort yourself out. There are some major differences between her culture and yours, which you likely realize. I'm relatively familiar with the Japanese culture and I myself kept putting of a trip to Japan with my ex (he moved here with his family while he was young) because it's a pretty big deal if you've been together and start meeting the family. If you were to be together, either you're moving there, or she's moving here. These are HUGE life decisions. It sounds like you are having second thoughts, even though you may feel deeply for her. Take a breath and take a break. You'll figure it out.
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