Bonesz Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Before I went out with this girl, she was my dream girl. I went chasing after her for a whole year before she finally gave me a chance. When she did, I was the happiest guy in the world and we were doing great. I've been completely crazy about her for the longest time. We ended up very much in love and making all kinds of memories. We've been together for over a year now. But I feel bad... Lately I just haven't been feeling it and I don't understand why. I just don't wake up in the morning completely excited to see her like I used to. Sometimes when she wants to hang out, part of me kinda doesn't want to. And when she comes to me with her problems, I start to feel a little annoyed at the way she handles them or just the fact that she's getting so stressed out over such a little thing. But at the same time I know I still love her. I think about leaving her and I can't handle it. I don't want to be without her. And when I think about her noticing how I feel and leaving me, I start to panic. I REALLY don't want to lose her, but at the same time idk what's up with my feelings. And I feel ever more guilty because she tells me things like she's never loved anyone so much and she's so glad that she gave me a chance and all these things. And I'm here not giving that love back. I remember back in the day when I was SO determined to have her. Idk if this is just a phase because right now I feel like I have no motivation for anything. When I think about my future or my goals, I'm just very apathetic. But at the same time, I feel that my gf deserves so much more love than what I'm giving her right now. How do I make the feeling come back?
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) I mean, that's pretty common. You just are not completely sold on her personality, compatibility and temprament. There's never anything wrong with going splitsville over that kind of stuff. Seems like lust over her carried you a distance, but it has run out. No shame in ending it if you don't feel it. Personally, I'm more interested in hearing the story about how you chased her for a year and were able to get her. P.S. If you break up, and don't cheat and give it a while, see if you want her back still. That will be a good indicator of how much you weigh the positives versus the negatives. If you really want her back after that, then go chase her back. Edited May 19, 2013 by JuneJulySeptember
Author Bonesz Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 I mean, that's pretty common. You just are not completely sold on her personality, compatibility and temprament. There's never anything wrong with going splitsville over that kind of stuff. Seems like lust over her carried you a distance, but it has run out. No shame in ending it if you don't feel it. Personally, I'm more interested in hearing the story about how you chased her for a year and were able to get her. P.S. If you break up, and don't cheat and give it a while, see if you want her back still. That will be a good indicator of how much you weigh the positives versus the negatives. If you really want her back after that, then go chase her back. The thing is, I AM completley sold on all of those things. I think her personality is pretty damn close to perfect. One of the main reasons why I was so crazy about her was because I was completely in love with her personality. She's so cute and fun and just seeing her happy drives me crazy. I mean I get annoyed when she panics over little things, but honestly I think she might have anxiety or depression or something because it's a little exaggerated. But I shouldn't get mad at her for that, I should be more supportive. I don't know why it bothers me.
apple OR orange Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 human nature at work. i want it, i want it, i want it, i want it..... ooo YES, .... hum, bored now, bored now... And not you see why women like bad guys, there always exiting and "not nice" to them all the time. 1
Author Bonesz Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 human nature at work. i want it, i want it, i want it, i want it..... ooo YES, .... hum, bored now, bored now... And not you see why women like bad guys, there always exiting and "not nice" to them all the time. But I'm not just going to dump her cause I got bored. The whole point of this topic is because I want to fix myself and give her the love she deserves. 1
Ladydrib Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 But I'm not just going to dump her cause I got bored. The whole point of this topic is because I want to fix myself and give her the love she deserves. Maybe you loved that she was independent and as your relationship progressed she became more clingy which is not something you're attracted to? And now you care about her so you feel obligated? If you think she is being too clingy, is there maybe something you are doing that is making her feel insecure that you can change and then you will be on level ground again?
Eggplant Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I just don't wake up in the morning completely excited to see her like I used to. Sometimes when she wants to hang out, part of me kinda doesn't want to. And when she comes to me with her problems, I start to feel a little annoyed at the way she handles them or just the fact that she's getting so stressed out over such a little thing.Long-term relationships require you to work to keep the passion alive. My ex and I regularly went out dancing and running and talking. These things never got old, as we both enjoyed them. Do you have such mutual interests? I think one of the things that has captivated you was the pursuit of her, just based on the original post. Now that you have her whenever you want, you have nothing to chase. It's okay to take a step back, just to let the desire naturally ebb and flow and return. Also, do you feel adequately rewarded when you help her with her problems? You get annoyed. Does she show appreciation?
Leigh 87 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 My ex left me because I over exaggerated small problems. I blew up over small issues because it was a symptom of the over all problem; I was not happy with what I was doing with my life ( I was not working on my academic pursuits, my fitness, and my social life and the place was a mess). Any little thing could set me off. He ended up leaving. Just a thought. Another thing - it does not matter how much you like her as a person.. You can be super attracted to a girl and think she is just amazing; it does not mean you have the capacity to love her for life. I believe, and I could be wrong, that: the capacity to TRULY love a person unconditionally is either there or NOT. I think a LOT of MEN in particular, see a girl and think she is so amazing; they love the IDEA of being with her, but it does not mean that, over time, that lasting love is there. I know this because: my ex did not fall head over heals for my looks or personality. He was meh about both, and thought I was quiet strange and totally different from the type of girl he saw himself with. Still, he could not stop talking to me and eventually we fell seriously in love. Love is not all about being infatuated or crazy about a person from the get go. There has to be something deeper at work. You have to be excited to wake up next to them, and you have to feel really happy when you fall asleep with them. That is a deal breaker for me: I have to have that thing between us, where HE is always happy to see me and he never takes it for granted. My parents, after over 25 years, a friend commented once " wow, when your husband walked into the café and randomly surprised you, you lit up and were genuinely happy to see him, even after all those years" Have a think OP of what is really going on: could you have had the infatuation and loved who she was a person, and also had crazy sexual chemistry? Is there a deeper love there? Do not stay with someone over the fear of life without them. My ex had great trouble with leaving me, as he cried at he though of life without me by his side (he broke down and he never does that) In the end, I am glad he left, and did not just stay because of how hard it would be to get over me, or how much he did not want anyone else to have me. You have to stay for the right reasons: missing them like crazy, not wanting them to be with anyone else, and being so lonely without them by your side, is not enough to stay with a person. You have to be genuinely happy to see them every day and wake up next to them without a dark feeling of " hmm, is this it?"
Leigh 87 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 The "love" she deserves? This is what I consider strong enough love to maintain a life long relationship: - You should get an incredibly secure and loving feeling when you fall asleep and wake up next to her - You do not need to be totally exited whenever you see her LOL, but rather; you should get a really loving, happy, and secure feeling when she comes home from school or work and you first see her. - You should always feel alright about listening to her problems when she needs you to talk to - You too, should feel that she is the first person you want to turn to in times of darkness - When your going through the worst possible times in life, all you should think about is her. I have done a lot of research and also from my own personal experience; if you REALLY love someone, if something bad happens to you, they are the main thing people in love tend to think about. All couples I Know who are completely in love, and also my own boyfriend said that " when I was __ in hospital thinking I could die, your all I thought about" Therefore, true love, to me, means that your their greatest source of comfort. .................................. I am not expert, but those things above are what I need my partner to feel about me. It is not about becoming infatuated with a person you just meet, because they are amazing and attractive and the most amazing and beautiful girl you meet. That is not necessarily going to make you feel very much in love with her. Those feelings need to remain throughout he relationship. After a year, yes, the sex loses that thrill that you have when you first encounter a new girl. But that is about all that should go.. You still need to feel happy to have them around you, just the same as always, if not it should get deeper.
xxoo Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 It sounds like the honeymoon period has worn off. It generally lasts a couple months to a couple years, so one year is a normal length of time. During the honeymoon period, we see our partners in their best light. We gloss over small faults, and even think they are endearing. That eventually wears off When it does, annoying traits are just that...annoying! We get on each other's nerves sometimes. We might joust for control over certain things. We might argue over small things. We might argue more over big things that should have been addressed earlier in the relationship. It's normal. If you love her, and she loves you, you work on it. You get better at working through small issues and big issues, and you work on keeping the passion alive. If you gf genuinely has depression or anxiety issues, you should encourage her to get those addressed with a professional. She may need to learn coping tools that will help her deal with things in a healthier way. 2
creighton0123 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 What you are experiencing sounds completely normal. Really. You go from being the most passionate lovers to experiencing some level of indifference. During this time, the quality of your friendship is what carries you on. It's all ebbs and flows. After the honeymoon phase wears off, it's a matter of communication, fun, periodic spontaneity, and ample time pursing your own interests and own circle of friends. Solidify that friendship with your girlfriend. In your mind, make her your dearest friend. That can carry you through the natural ebbs and flows all relationships experience regularly. We can't always be burning with passion. It's exhausting. 1
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Before I went out with this girl, she was my dream girl. I went chasing after her for a whole year before she finally gave me a chance. When she did, I was the happiest guy in the world and we were doing great. I've been completely crazy about her for the longest time. We ended up very much in love and making all kinds of memories. We've been together for over a year now. But I feel bad... Lately I just haven't been feeling it and I don't understand why. I just don't wake up in the morning completely excited to see her like I used to. Sometimes when she wants to hang out, part of me kinda doesn't want to. And when she comes to me with her problems, I start to feel a little annoyed at the way she handles them or just the fact that she's getting so stressed out over such a little thing. But at the same time I know I still love her. I think about leaving her and I can't handle it. I don't want to be without her. And when I think about her noticing how I feel and leaving me, I start to panic. I REALLY don't want to lose her, but at the same time idk what's up with my feelings. And I feel ever more guilty because she tells me things like she's never loved anyone so much and she's so glad that she gave me a chance and all these things. And I'm here not giving that love back. I remember back in the day when I was SO determined to have her. Idk if this is just a phase because right now I feel like I have no motivation for anything. When I think about my future or my goals, I'm just very apathetic. But at the same time, I feel that my gf deserves so much more love than what I'm giving her right now. How do I make the feeling come back? i understand lack fo motivation....the only thing you can do is push......push yourself...there's normally a settling phase and maybe that is what you are feeling the honeymoon is over......now its work at it time........recapture feelings with visual cues..... go back to a place where you courted her take her back there....... go to your fave places where you have had loads of fun.... see something you have wanted to but been busy enough that you didnt get to see it....every one has these things they havent done....but wanted too....do them together.....walk in the rain....do something different......make new memories ...... ...you need to remember why you are with her in the first place....you are supportive......you know how i can tell...you jump to her defence......you state you dont want to leave her.....so dont.....break through the apathy .....recapture the times you really enjoyed.....and go somewhere new where both of you always wanted to....take a weekend off....from others ...you and her,.,,,,,,somewhere special.....loads of laughs....make her smile....then remember why you want that smile to stay.....and your smile will come back to you.......good luck and i wish you happiness....deb
Author Bonesz Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Thank you guys for all your support. Honestly, the reason I chased after this girl wasn't because I was attracted to her or because it was love at first sight or anything like that. Yeah, I thought she was cute, but what really got me was the bond that we developed so quickly. She became one of the best friends I've ever had. I had so much fun whenever I was around her, I could never stop smiling and laughing, whenever I needed anything she was always there and I always tried to be there for her too. She was skeptical about it being anything more than friendship at first because she was afraid that if things didn't work out, we'd lose everything. Eventually we gave it a shot and things just got better. We became closer, made so much more memories, had so many more laughs, etc. I've been in relationships before, but I've NEVER been this happy with anyone before. Reading some of your guys responses kinda made me realize why I fell in love with this girl in the first place. I feel kinda stupid for losing sight of that. And I also feel kinda stupid for getting annoyed at her when she comes to me with her problems I mean, I don't think she ever realizes that I get mad :/ But I mean I try to be honest with her and she'll tell me that I "slap sense into her" and that it makes her feel better. But really when I think about it, I get more mad at the people that made her feel that way... I just for some stupid reason end up taking it out on her :/ Honestly idk what's been up with me lately, but I really want to fix it. I feel like a horrible bf. She's the sweetest, most caring girl in the world and she deserves better than the lack of passion I've been giving her. Thank you all for your help, I really appreciate it! 2
zanzi Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 sounds to me like you didn't feel love for her, but infatuation. There will be times you don't feel like you love your significant other. Times you don't feel excited about them anymore. The way to keep a relationship going is to remember why you chased her in the first place and weather those times. However it does not sound like you loved her, just the idea of her. After a year you see the truth about a person and their faults. Real love will evolve after that. Infatuation and lust peters out at this stage. If you do not really care for her as she is, I advise to leave her to find someone who won't get "bored" with her ever because that person is out there.
nerd Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 So how do you know if there's a relationship worth preserving and nurturing there or not, once you get past the honeymoon stage?
zanzi Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 I think what happens is if the two of you are friends as well as loving each other, the love will change to something deeper and more meaningful, first though, you go through a disinterested phase in which reality hits. If it hits and the two of you are still standing, thats how you know.
mortensorchid Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 It's probably the infatuation that has worn off. Otherwise things are ok, right? For the first 6-9 months you're infatuated with the other person, but over time it wears off. The other person is not as perfect as you thought they were, they are showing more of themselves and you are not as excited about them, but that's a long term relationship for you. If you honestly feel that you don't want to be with this woman anymore, then leave. If you really love her, then you will realize that this is just how it is with every woman out there, and then you'll be alright.
KraftDinner Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 There is a good chance that the honeymoon period has worn off, yes. But what actually stood out to me in your post was that you felt indifferent in many aspects of your life. This could just be about you feeling at a loose end, career-wise or whatever, not even specifically related to her. It's clear that you love her a lot. Maybe you just need to hang out with your friends for a bit or something. Being away from her for a bit could make you miss her and bring back some of the feelings you're missing. Or mix it up and take her away for a weekend. Maybe you're just bored with your routine.
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