WantanS4 Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 As I sit here in my OWN office.... empty.... sad... wondering... asking myself the same questions I have asked before...."Is she sleeping with someone now?"..."Is he better than I was?"...."Is is happier now?"... "Is there someone else?"...."Does she think of me?"...."I look like sh.it... yeah.. I guess she can do better than me.."...."Who is she now?".... "Why do I feel this way?"..... etc...etc....etc..... Round and round I go... only to stop with my head so low! Peace...... will it ever come? No... only who she was do... only those nights I had with her .... only those mid-day lunch breaks........ only those out of nowhere passionate moments when our parents weren't home and we could make love to each other in a hurry... but without a care........ all of those things... gone... no more...... I'm forgetting what she looks like... I'm forgetting what she tasted like.... I'm forgetting...... and it hurts sooo bad. I was wrong.. she was right.... and now I know... if only she would come around again....... so I could make things right. I guess I still love her........ I guess i don't know..... she was a dream.... and from the look of things... I was her nightmare.
Merin Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Jeez.... I'm going to need some Ben & Jerry's after this one... Listen, I know it hurt's and it sucks when a relationship ends... breaking up is NEVER easy. You are only serving to allow this to eat you up in dwelling on it. I understand that it's on your mind, and you feel really hurt and lost right now... but trust me it isn't forever that you're going to feel this way. Regardless of how she feels about you right now, I'm fairly certain that she must have really liked you a lot at some point in time, so don't beat yourself up with thoughts that she never liked you OR you're not a worthy person of being loved and cared about. As far as forgetting what she looks like... or *ahem* taste like... take this as a good thing. Crap! was this a poem? Anyway... don't dwell on what if's...
Author WantanS4 Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 Not a poem... a train of thought.... Why do I dwell... because she left so many open ends.... she said she didn't know what she wanted........ so I get check-mated into deciding whether to 'come or go'/'wait or leave'.......... She needs time..... and it's really hard to give it to her........ because her reactions/actions/behavior have been inconsistent....... when I asked 'what do you want'.... she says 'nothing'.........then she turns around and says deep down she wants it all.......she lies...... she hides...... she's emotionally immature........ I was sure I wanted her 'forever'....... do I really want someone who will do this again? I miss her.... all I want to do is take care of her.............. spoil her........ I'm a passionate person...... i take nothing for granted (but i overlook things)........ and i'm brutally honest.......... i'm righteous....... and i don't hide what I think/feel. I am real........... I am not the norm....... and I'm a catch-22......... good but bad......... right but at the same time soo wrong........ there is no woman for me....... i'm too complex........ too unordinary........ maybe too real.
Author WantanS4 Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 UHHUP!! More anxiety attacks today...... here they come.... wooooo..............
Think too much Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 I know exactly how you feel. I wish I had some encouraging words but I am in the same boat as you. Those panic attacks get pretty bad at night when you try to sleep and can't get the ex out of your head. Hang in there.
Author WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Well.. the anxiety attacks went away... I feel okay today.. but.. I wonder if I would take her back.... and I'm feeling a fairly strong NO! in my heart. Her mother got in the way... ehr friends got in the way.... I don't know who she is... and it seems like everything she said/did with me was a total lie.
Think too much Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Why do you feel like her mom and friends got in the way? What did they do?
Author WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Well... her friends todl her she could do better... her mother literally step between us and said "You need to leave her alone... would you marry someone you don't love?" And I couldn't help but think that it's none of her mother's f.ucking business. So... she's been brain washed... and i guess she likes it.
Think too much Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Has she told you she really loves you and wants to marry you?
Think too much Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 before her mother stepped in the middle?
Author WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Nope... what she said was that she wasn't sure she loved me (after 6 years)... and that (since her mother influenced her to go back to school) it would be finacially hard on me if we were to get engaged. That's the weird thing... when we were fighting/arguing/talking it out... I proposed to her twice... BUT without a ring... it was more of a "hey... comeback... I want to marry you...." and she didn't say YES or NO.... some people say she's saving my feelings.... some people say she really doesn't know..... She's confused... and she ended it 4 months ago... and I haven't spoken to her in roughly 4 weeks (I would speak/call/show up at her house at roughly 2 week intervals before because I really really did love her and was wiling to swallow my pride/dignity/self-respect to tell her).... hence.... i figure she must really like being single..... and doing whatever with whoever....... The thing is... her mother is ULTRA materialistic..... let's put it this way.... she thinks the world of Audrey Hepburn and the character she plays in Breakfast at Tiffany's............. They're crazy... and sadly enough the two years we were apart (I was at school... she lived/worked with mother)..... her mother manage to ***** her head up........... It's all gone.... and I was left empty handed.
Think too much Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 From what it sounds like you had an on and off again relationship which is a bad pattern to have. What her mom and friends said probably did help influence her decision but she had to have already questioned it in order to listen to their advice. Do you really want her to come back to you again if she is not sure that she loves you? Do you really want her to waste your time and mess with you feelings any longer than she already has? I know it's hard to let go after being so close with someone for so long. I am a firm believe that things happen for a reason and if you are meant to be with her then she will eventually realize that and come back and if it's not meant to be then you will find the right person. I have to remind myself daily that you can't control who loves you and who doesn't. All you really can do is try to accept that it's over, you tried as hard as you could to make it work. and appreciate the time you did have with her. The future holds so much and you will miss out if you dwell on this for too long. I know it's easier said than done. It's good that your part of LS and your talking about your thoughts and feelings. It will get easier with time.
Author WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 yes and no.... yes... it was sorta on/off.. .but no.. because we did speak to each other every night..... and i had 'love' for her... i missed her.. and i wanted to be with her. she supposedly felt the same...... but i guess in the end she crapped out........... what's sad is that she practically 'used' me as an emotional crutch.... i don't know... there's too many unanswered questions from her side......... and i hope but same time doubt she'll ever answer them completely. hence... that's the stage I'm at now......... wondering what'll happen....... and really not playing the field because love has disappointed me... and because like you i believe that if i'm suppose to find that person for me... we will find each other without any attempt!
Author WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Now that I think about it (yet again)....I'm am in some ways DYING to see her with someone else.......... I want to see what she considers 'better' than me............. I really want to see that.
Think too much Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Maybe that's what it will take for her to realize what you guys had. It sounds like she has some growing up to do and she needs to learn to be more independent. I don't blame you for not wanting to get your heart broken again and not wanting to see other people but just date them casually... you never know who you will meet. If you don't want to date go out with your friends as much as you can. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing you are missing her and sitting home thinking about her. Maybe she is doing this because she knows you will always be there. If you make it a point to show her that you are ok with out her (even if you aren't) maybe she will realize she needs to decide what she wants and stop playing games because you won't always be there waiting.
Author WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Hmm....... what was it that turned her off??? And so late in the game...... 4 weeks now... since i last spoke to her... and not a word..... not an effort from her side in 4 months.......... is she really thinking about it......... or has she really moved on............... last time we spoke........ i am given the impression she was thinking about it (and yeah it was fair assessment... i wasn't hoping much.. .taking things for their face value)......... have i moved on.... sorta....... but not AVIDLY moved on.. i.e. started dating, looking for the next........... because... i really have lost interest............. i really do not care................ she has no clue what she has done........ absolutely no clue how badly i've been bruised............ and i can't help it..... time heals this........ and time takes FOREVER to pull around.
Author WantanS4 Posted October 1, 2004 Author Posted October 1, 2004 Think too much, Replying to your last message............ I have moved on...... but I'm not the go out type...... i'm super laid back... and I'm super 'loner'........ always was... even before her......... I'm an immensely independent person...... So... she probably thinks that i'm waiting for her to call...... but i'm not....... i really am not.......... it would be nice....... but chances are i wouldn't pickup...... i won't pickup....... if she really wants me to takl to her........ she'll have to catch me and tie me down.......... i guess i just hate the fact that she lied to me......... i lived in a fantasy.......... all this time........ and i had SO MANY OPPOURTUNITIES TO MEET OTHER WOMEN in school......... and i didn't because i was honest/committed............ and now i sit there and say "SH.IT... man..... i should go out with her.. and her.. and her.. and her... and her.. and her... and her........" (yeah.. taht much and more) that's what's bugging me now..........
Think too much Posted October 1, 2004 Posted October 1, 2004 Write her a letter or email and tell her how bad she hurt you. Ask her to answer your questions. Maybe that's what you need to help get closure. You sound like a nice person. I wish you the best of luck.
gobain Posted October 3, 2004 Posted October 3, 2004 WantanS4, One woman's opinion - nothing more - and take it or leave it: I'm concerned about you're comment that you want to see her with someone else to "see what she considers better" than you. You have to realize that it's not that anyone is "better" than you. It's actually not about you - it's about her and her inability to continue a relationship - with you or, in my opinion, anyone. Even if she does start seeing someone else, it won't work either in the end if she doesn't deal with what's going with her. She thinks that's what's wrong is you and your relationship b/c she hasn't recognized yet that she has some work to do on herself. And the fact that she's calling may be b/c she - even subconciously - is starting to see that its her and she's confused.that leaving you didn't solve everything. She broke up with you to fix what was wrong and what was wrong didn't really go away. What she has to deal with is hers and hers alone and she'll figure it out eventually - but maybe not soon. It sounds to me like you love her very much. That's a good thing. My advice would be to let go. Let go for her. And let go for you. You seem like a great and loving guy. No man that can love so much will ever be alone for long. The key is to choose someone who is ready for that love. I just learned that too. Don't let her put you in a tailspin (easy advice for me to give despite my own current tailspin) and stick to your decision to not answer her calls. Its best for both of you.
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