Why do they continue to hurt us with their lack of response????

[heebiejeebies]

think in my case I would have liked to have know about the doubts he was having before the blow off email (7 months of dating) where he appeared happy with how things were going.

 

 

wow, you seem like such a cool chick. Well, it's probably his loss, anyway. Thanks for answering my question.

 

Do you have a temper? Maybe he was afraid you'd blow up at him if he said something. My ex girl was like that. I tried several times to tell her how embarrassed she made me when she'd flip out in public if another girl "checked" me out.

 

When she started getting physically abusive, and I had to hide bruises and bite marks, then I left.

 

 

HOwever, if you're a genuinely nice girl, then he's just being a coward, and taking the easy road out.

[anneb]

I actually have the opposite of a temper. When something really hurts me I tend to get quiet. It is like I can't find the right words to say.

 

The funny thing is the Sunday before the email he was the one that wanted to go to dinner at my parents and then we talked on the couch happily for a few hours and then you know. The following Friday I get the email that he doesn't have serious feelings for me. I really thought we were closer than that. His sister did tell me that he doesn't deal well with emotions and probably just clammed up and moved on.

 

It still stings. Especially that he used a picture i took of him to post on match. Plus his post said turn offs are PDA and he was always grabbing my hand. I just don't know what was going on in his mind. The sad thing is I'll never know as I have the feeling I'll never hear from him again. We live an hour apart so there is no chance of running into him.

[WantanS4]

Forget the *****ER.... he's an emotional timebomb.......... and he went off on you.........

 

people liek that never fight/defeat/fix problems..... they just run away from them....... especially at critcial times.....

 

she did the same to me........... so your not alone. They're apathy toward us..... It's like they've been possessed by some weird spirit and killed/eaten the person we loved/loved us......... it's weird!

[Think too much]

Dear Heebiejeebies,

 

I think you were right in the way you broke up with your ex. No one deserves to be abused. There is exceptions for people that should break up by phone but then there are a lot of cowards out there like the case for anneb.

 

Hey anneb... be happy you live far from your ex. I know you have a lot unanswered questions but it really is torture if you see your ex with someone else. I know how you feel and it hurts. It makes you not want to trust anyone again.

[DESI]

My ex did the samething, broke up with me after almost 2 years, out of the blue. Never really gave me an explanation, told me he wanted a break to "find himself" then never answered my phone calls. He went even as far as answering my phone calls if I called from a number that he didn't know. Telling me that he wants to get back together, he never called me, no nothing. The last time we talked he wanted his stuff back, and he was so mean to me, telling me it was all my fault and that I lost a great guy, and that I am psycho.

It is so heartless and very shocking to think someone that you loved for so long could be so cruel to you. But I am glad you posted about this, because it seems like pratically everyone still talks to their exes, where as mine acts like I meant nothing to him. Even though he wanted to get married, We were close to eachothers families, I was his longest relationship, I mean the list goes on and on, but in all reality I obviously meant nothing to him.

I don't think we will ever talk again, its almost been 5 months and he hasn't tried calling me once, I get stupid text messages about movies and stuff, but thats it. He just threw it all away, and I honestly always think I would feel better if he would just pick up the phone and called me, and asked me how I was doing. Just a thought, just so I wouldn't feel like I was nothing to him.

It is so hard, but hang in there, pretty soon we will ALL GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON. I still have dreams where we kiss and make-up but yeah its not going to happen.

Sorry to hear about your heatache, but please remember your not alone, I know that helps me alot. This kind of stuff happens all the time. And I am a good girl, I don't deserve that.

[DESI]

These postings are great makes me feel like we all dated the same person. My ex used to talk about how honestly and communication was the key to a happy relationship. He would always ask me if I ever thought we wouldn't make it (we talked about marriage all the time, well he did more then me!) I would always say no I have no doubt, I really didn't. He would always say the same thing that he had no doubt about us whatsoever.

Then the honestly part, we had little rules

#1 cant talk to exes

#2 cant go to bars/clubs without eachother

#3 no talking to other people about our problems they were our business

He made all these rules but I thought they were reasonable. I caught him however talking to his ex twice, they were only together got like 3 months f**king 3 years ago, and he told he.....he had to talk to her to get closure.

When I forgave him one year later he breaks up with me, and my parents tell me he has been going to the house complaining about me, how I get mad and he doesn't know why (I got mad when he was talking to his ex) He was telling my parents he wanted to end it but didn't want to hurt me.

All this time he was telling me he wanted to ask my dad for permission to marry me, he wanted to go on a trip, he wanted to get married and a few years later start a family. Our families spent holidays together, the whole works.

Out of no where breaks up with me, no explanation just gone. Went from calling me 20+ times a day to 0. Complete shock, he is like a light switch. How can you turn your feelings off so quicky. One minute he was sleeping with me telling me how much he loves me over and over again, and the next day it was over.

These sound like all the same stories, and it hurts everyday. I put so much trust into him, and I really felt like he was the one. He was lying the whole time. Just to remember all the good times we had, makes it all seem like it was a game to him. Even though he used to go on about how he has never felt this way before, he loves me so much, I am the best thing that ever happened to him, etc....

I just don't understand some people. But at least while I am reading these posts I feel like I am not alone in this, maybe this is more common then what we think. It is sad but true. People can be so deceiving, not only did he hurt me, but he hurt my parents as well. Never to hear from him again, after 2 years he threw it all away.

Maybe one day all these people that broke our hearts will one day realize what they missed.

Good luck to all of you, and deep down you always have to be happy with yourself, without someone there by your side. We don't want to be with people that can just change like a light switch, I just wish he gave me a real explanation as to why he lead me on so much.

[Hurt]

Get Over Him: Eight Tips for Surviving a Breakup

Compiled by Ilana Arazie

 

 

 

 

"I find myself missing him less each day and I find that the days are passing much more quickly. Am I over him? I doubt it, but I'm on the right track." -- jleyritz

 

Whether you were dating for a few months, in a long-term relationship or married, breaking up is hard to do. The good news is that life does get better. Eventually, you will be able to get out of your robe, lose the boxes of Kleenex and watch reruns of Mad About You without breaking down in tears. Many of our members know exactly how you feel right now. Read their tips on getting over him and getting on with your life.

 

1. Get it all

 

 

advertisement

 

 

out

"Cry, scream and feel sorry for yourself. Wallow in self-pity. However, one day while you are wallowing you will suddenly say, 'Hey I don't feel like wallowing anymore today. I feel better.' And the next day you will feel better and each day after that you will feel even better. Soon, something amazing happens, you rediscover your smile and actually laugh at who you were back then. Suddenly you are thankful for what the experience taught you." -- mplus2000

 

2. Focus on today

Take things one step at a time, one day at a time. If you start looking toward or thinking about next week, next month or next year, you'll feel overwhelmed. Don't look at the broad a picture yet, temporarily limit your view, so to speak." - nategirl

 

3. Think positively

"If you think you are beaten. You are. If you think you dare not. You don't. Success begins with your own will. It's all in your state of mind. Life's battles are not always won by those who are stronger or faster. Sooner or later the person who wins is the person who thinks he can!" -- gentlesouls

 

4. Don't Stay Bitter

"Not all women and men are the same. After my divorce, I became extremely bitter and angry. I did not trust anyone, particularly women. I isolated myself from everyone. Hey why not, no contact equals no pain or hurt, right? Let me tell you something, when you isolate yourself, you create an island. But in the end islands sink. Being bitter is normal -- it's simply a stage you are going to go through. But move past it quickly." --larry566

 

5. Don't Lose Faith in People

"Stick to your guns and try to find joy in every facet of your day and things will get better. It's important not to lose faith in other human beings. Everyone has at least one good quality. Maximize the good and most importantly, be strong!"--seejay89

 

6. Have No Fear

"Don't let your fears cripple you. Most of the time what we fear never comes to pass. Many times our fears are exaggerated. The more we worry, the bigger and the worse the fear or hurdle seems." -nategirl

 

7. Do Something New

"Slowly get involved in something new; whether it be a new job, volunteer work, a cool class like photography or kayaking or something along those lines. By keeping busy and focusing on making yourself feel good as an independent being, the healing process will be a healthy process." --cl-nicollej

 

8. Find some words of wisdom -- and live by them

"A great piece was posted here on the Breaking Up is Hard to Do board a while ago. I kept it, and read it every morning when I sit at my desk. The first line is, 'Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb you.' For me, that has worked! Reading a simple little piece someone posted has made such a great impact on how I view it all. It does get better, and within a couple of weeks, the hurt goes away. " --

[Heartagram]

I think it's terrible how exs act towards you. But then again it's probably not unnatural considering how they felt it necessary to break up in the first place. Lack of contact is a horrible side effect. They don't really understand how it makes you feel, and if they do they aren't being understanding. They don't want to draw out your pain my instilling false hope. At least that's what I was told through a friend about my ex.

 

But I also think it is a case of nerves. I always want to call him but I start getting nervous and give up calling because of that. Sometimes I think that plays into their psyche too. If they ever have the urge to call you they might start feeling nervous and give up.

 

My situation sucks because I have to talk to him about business at least once a week so I always have to keep my form up. I don't even have the "privilege" of no contact to totally heal up. There is always a lingering "maybe we can work this out one day" in my head.

 

Who knows, maybe we can, but it's terrible in the meantime. Good luck to everyone here...

[snilljente]

I just went out on my first date last night since my ex who I thought loved and adored me and would never let me go.....today I am down....like the rest of you....my ex "flipped a switch" and seemed to stop caring all of a sudden right after seemingly being so into me and "us".....I think he got scared and opted for someone much younger than him who he is still with...but I still miss him and the date last night just magnified this.....

[WantanS4]

Ahh.. don't worry love.

 

It's just telling you that you need more time. It's the equivalent of an injured professional athlete realizing that it still hurts when he is warming up on game day. He'll just have to take another week off. In the meantime, enjoy sitting on the bench and watching the others play

[DESI]

It is the same with me, I started dating this guy 3 months after I got out of a very loving 2 year relationship. I was in love with my ex and still am. He broke up with me, like everyone is saying like a light switch and has no contact with me in almost 5 months. I am still "dating" this guy but I told him I don't want anything serious. It makes it tough because I always compare him to my ex, and my ex always wins. That isn't fair to him, I know, but I also know it means that it is too early for me to date again.

I just sometimes feel like I am never going to feel so happy in love ever again. I know it is stupid to say, but I feel that way often. I was head over heels for my ex, and even after other exes and other guys I have dated in my past I have never felt so much of a connection and love then I did with my ex. I just really deep down felt like he was the one, and now that we aren't together and we don't even talk it definately hurts more then anything in the world.

I am only 21, and I know I have a lot to learn in relationships, but I am one of those who thought I would fall in love young and be with them until I died. I guess I was wrong. The pain just hurts so much. Dating someone else right away is only a temporary fix, but the pain is still there.

[Heartagram]

Wow Desi I’m 21 too and feel the same way about having felt like I felt in love young and didn’t need to go through my life without my soulmate. I feel you and am still hoping for some reconciliation. I'll pray for you too.

[DESI]

Thanks so much. I just feel like because I am only 21 whenever I talk about it, people automatically assume that the relationship was some stupid little relationship, or they don't take it seriously. I feel like it has nothing to do with age. I could have gotten married and been happy in love now, but that didn't happen. It just hurts so bad, and everyone always says oh your only 21 get over it. You don't even know what love is. It isn't that easy. I don't think I know everything, but I do know that I love my ex, and my feelings for him were not some stupid infacuation. Do you have this problem too when you talk about this with other people?

[Hendrix]

promise yourself to be strong that nothing can hurt u... Cool thing to say... yea i read my post sometimes too jus to remind me of what happened and it helps a bit. and another thing tha helped me is music.. im trying to devote everything to my guitar now... at least 4-5 hrs a day and it helps...

 

+ if u wana hear a really really happy song that always puts me in a great mood listen to "day at the beach" by Joe satriani its jus a 2 min long instumetanl of a real nice happy tune....

 

Or

 

"Whispering a prayer" by steve vai.... them songs always get me <-- that one makes me cry wen i hear it... Lol in a good way... i think im in to deep with my guitar... Oh well

[snilljente]

Well, I am not 21, but am 35 and I felt like I had FINALLY met my soulmate....this being the guy that flipped a switch and was with someone new within DAYS of telling me that he cared, missed me etc....it is taking MUCH LONGER than I expected to get over this...I don't think he has any idea what he meant to me and how much what he did hurt.....people tell me to leave him alone that he doesn't deserve my attention, but part of me wishes he REALLY knew what he meant to me....he just wasn't another guy that I went out went....do I leave it alone and just hope I can move on eventually?!!!

[Heartagram]

I always get people telling me "Oh you're 21 you'll get over it" and it's getting annoying as hell.

 

I'm not a quitter so my advice is always try until you can try no more snilljente but I guess eventually we all have to realize when it's even worth it.

 

And Hendrix thanks for the suggestions

[Hendrix]

im only 18! how ya think i feel! ^^^

 

But yea did u listen to any of those songs... they're great!

[SoleMate]

How can your ex "hurt you"? Is it by avoiding a continuation of the relationship? Does an ex have a moral obligation to thrash out the whole relationship and breakup in lengthy gripe/cry sessions? I don't think so.

 

You can eventually reduce the pain you are feeling by ACCEPTING that the relationship is over. Try saying that, "This relationship is over." "I'm done with him." "We have nothing more to discuss."

[ycart]

hi all

 

i to have an ex who is a ****!!!! we were like best mates for 7 years before anything happened so this makes the nc thing even worse thought we were really on the same wave length things were complicated though as i at the time was married still am but apart now have a son with my husband any way i was with the **** foor a year he wanted us to move in together we looked at houses etc then i became pregnant and things changed think he suddenly found it all too much so we split he too told me over the phone he has then moved has a new tel no i have wrote him a letter to which i got no reply then i saw him in the street i spoke to him and he said that when he has no contact he doesnt care about me or the baby so it is best to keep it that way

 

for who why should i make it easy for him

after seeing him i posted another letter to say i hadnt had chance to say all i wanted about baby etc and could he call me

no response then my friend bumped into him and he said that id tricked him into getting me pregnant as i was not on contreception i wasnt but this was because i have had fertility probs polystic ovaries and didnt think i could conceive again so it was no trick also that we were a mistake and he couldnt see himself settling down with me so this is hard to take as i say we were friends for 7 years first so we knew each other inside out also the fact it was always him wanting us to move in together etc i dont understand him at all he now says he doesnt want anything to do with the baby this is all so hurtful i want to go and have it all out with him as my baby is due in 3 weeks but i dont know if i will make a fool of myself by trying to talk to him again!

[DESI]

SoleMate

You are asking how our exes can still hurt you. My response to that, is when he broke up with me out of no where, never gave me much of an explanation it didn't make any sense. It was a quick change of heart. He still hurts me because he makes me feel like the whole two years we were together it meant nothing to him at all. He makes me feel like I wasn't even an important part, he doesn't miss me, and I am never on his mind because he never calls me. It makes me sad to think that he is moving on so fast and I am still stuck all sad and depressed over him, missing him everyday. His lack of response just makes me feel like I am not good enough for him, and that he never loved me. It basically makes me feel like the whole 2 years was all BS you know what I mean.

Thats how my ex still hurts me, everyday that passes. I realize we broke up and its never going to be the same, but in the past when me and a ex broke up we usually still talked every now and then. Deep down I still care about him, and I would like to talk to him, but him not calling me makes me feel like he doesn't even care. Anyone else feel this way??

[Think too much]

I can understand how you feel Desi. It's hard to have someone you loved for so long forget that you existed. I don't want a phone call or to keep in touch. I don't think I could move on with my life if I did that and still had feelings. I need to find my closure. Maybe I could keep in touch after my feelings dwindled. I am just looking for closure. It's too late now but I would have liked to have a face to face conversation and have it all laid out on the line. I didn't want to hear what he thought I wanted to hear... I wanted the truth so I could move on and not be left wondering why?? Well I take that back....I am smart enough to know why. He left me for someone else but more than anything I want him to be a man and tell it to me straight up.

[WantanS4]

Better for another person... then for the love of money/success/stature. She gave me the boot because she 'couldn't see me in her life'........ then again... it's probably an excuse..... and she found 'someone better'.

 

bottomline..... STUPID PEOPLE... which reminds me.

 

Sarah McLachlan - Afterglow - Stupid. Theme song for all of us.

[DESI]

I just have been reading people's post and mine too about how our exes just found someone better and how they are too good for us. And I have to believe that just because an ex broke up with you doesn't always mean that they are better or that they even found someone better. I feel like this often. But the thing is maybe in the beginning of their new relationship everything seems better, you know how every relationship is in the beginning its always good. Because people don't act like their true selfs in the beginning. Once they get comfortable in their next relationship most likely the same thing is going to happen, and they are hopefully going to look back and miss what they had with their exes (meaning us). My exes longest relationship before me was 3 months, and I beat myself up telling myself that I wasn't good enough for him. Well, he only lastest with other girls max 3 months so if you look at it that way having him last 2 years with me is a long time.

I in the other hand have had a relationship before him that also lasted 2 years. So I just wanted to make a point that even though we all feel like our exes have found something better and have moved on. Maybe they haven't found anything better, they just think they have, and one day they will realize their mistake. Who knows, just a thought.

[Think too much]

You have a very valid point Desi. Maybe if I didn't think of my ex finding someone better I wouldn't hurt so much. The feeling of being replaced makes me feel like he found someone better.

 

In reality we are the ones better off without them. We have a lot of love to give. We have a big heart otherwise we would not care if they left us.

[snilljente]

Think Alot and Desi....we are THREE peas in pod...he he ....Think Alot...I think that you and I had practically the same experience....my ex found someone new asap (actually while he and I were still together) You could say he never had the decency to break up or even let me know that there was someone else...just said he had a ton of stress in his life, needed time to himself and that we would be together...STUPID ME...I believed him and didn't for a MINUTE think that he wanted to be with someone else!!!....

 

I have had more than one person who knows this new girl well tell me that she is a high maintenance, ruthless, b%&&ch (those are some pretty strong words in my opinion?!) and that she is OK, but not in my league (hate to sound conceited, but this is what they said) lookswise..they also said that she is the complete opposite of me.....so, it's hard to make sense of all of the confusing thoughts that go on in my head about him "leaving me for someone better".....despite what people have told me about her, sure, it still hurts alot and I was crushed that he "found" someone else so soon and I definitely felt "replaced"...whereas, I have yet to "replace" him and don't see replacing someone you are really into as such an easy/quick thing.....????

 

I think the first person we tend to blame when a guy leaves is ourselves....i.e. What is lacking in me that made him leave...but I know that my guy had self-esteem issues...he would ask me "what does someone like you need with someone like me?......AND I think he realized that I was really starting to fall for him....long story short, I think he got scared and found someone 10 years younger who is a much harder sell and that has told him that when he leaves for jail 10/28, she will not have any ties to him because it is his burden to bear, whereas, I told him that I would see him through the months that he was going to be gone and we "could see what happened"...I think he took this as me wanting a serious commitment....I DIDN'T...I tried to explain to him that I didn't, but with a flip of a switch, he was gone and in her arms....kills me...everyone says I am better off....I know I probably am...but still kills me and despite all I have been told, I STILL wonder what it is about her that is "better"...so I know exactly what you guys are going through...I would love to hear from GUYS that have left quality girls hanging and hooked up with someone else asap about their reasons........Hope to hear from you GUYS soon!!!