No more mr nice guy

[Gambit123]

After a lot of advise on here about that being a nice guy is pathetic and won't get me anywhere.

 

Yeah sadly I'm one of those guys who care about girls I like too much. I always try to understand them, try to not hurt their feeling and really get to know a girl I like first. I'm always been a bit old fashioned and been against trying to date multiple women and sleeping around.

 

Girls always get impatient with me not progressing the relationship faster (I want to be sure) and they get bored and move on. Do I took a bit advise from my friend (he's a ladies man). He told me not to care about them at all and just do your own thing. And sooner you bed them the sooner they will be chasing you like crazy.

 

So last night I went on a date, I was not connecting with her but found her physically attractive. Cut a long story short we ended up bumping uglies and now she won't leave me alone and is constantly texting me. Telling me how much of a connection we had....

 

I kinda feel bad about just using her for sex... But maybe by friend was right. The sooner you sleep with girls the more they will go crazy for you. And he said sleep with enough women eventually you will find one you actually care about enough that you want to get to know her.

 

Sounds a little immoral if you ask me but being a guy that cares about other people's feeling too much and always getting hurt is really not working for me..

 

Is my friends ideas the best way to stop being the lonely nice guy that cares to much?

[Gambit123]

Also I kinda feel bad about using women like that how can I get rid of my feelings of guilt....?

[El Brujo]

I happen to know that the social dynamics are totally different when you're on the other side of the group organizer's badge... if you catch my drift.

[Gambit123]

I happen to know that the social dynamics are totally different when you're on the other side of the group organizer's badge... if you catch my drift.

 

I don't buddy... Can you please explain?

[Ladydrib]

After a lot of advise on here about that being a nice guy is pathetic and won't get me anywhere.

 

Yeah sadly I'm one of those guys who care about girls I like too much. I always try to understand them, try to not hurt their feeling and really get to know a girl I like first. I'm always been a bit old fashioned and been against trying to date multiple women and sleeping around.

 

Girls always get impatient with me not progressing the relationship faster (I want to be sure) and they get bored and move on. Do I took a bit advise from my friend (he's a ladies man). He told me not to care about them at all and just do your own thing. And sooner you bed them the sooner they will be chasing you like crazy.

 

So last night I went on a date, I was not connecting with her but found her physically attractive. Cut a long story short we ended up bumping uglies and now she won't leave me alone and is constantly texting me. Telling me how much of a connection we had....

 

I kinda feel bad about just using her for sex... But maybe by friend was right. The sooner you sleep with girls the more they will go crazy for you. And he said sleep with enough women eventually you will find one you actually care about enough that you want to get to know her.

 

Sounds a little immoral if you ask me but being a guy that cares about other people's feeling too much and always getting hurt is really not working for me..

 

Is my friends ideas the best way to stop being the lonely nice guy that cares to much?

 

If you're nice then you're nice. And honestly nice is a good thing. What you do want to be careful of is not being a push over. Do maintain your boundaries and expectations no matter how much you like a woman. I suspect if women were not appreciating you it was not because you were "nice". It would be more likely because you let them walk over you. Just hold up your boundaries.

 

As for being a jerk, there are two problems with that. Yes it will get you more scores than losses in terms of being the one who gets chased rather than being the one to chase, but consider these two problems with the jerk theory.

 

1. If you do that jerk stuff, the type of girls you will be attracting will be desperate or have some sort of issue. Only desperate girls or women with issues will accept a man treating them badly. Do you really want to attract these type of women? Wouldn't you rather attract quality women?

 

 

2. You are naturally nice. Therefore you may end up with some girl chasing you whom you have no interest in but you may begin to feel bad and then try to make a relationship out of something that shouldn't be. Then you could end up with someone you don't even want. Not good.

 

 

Don't try to be a jerk. Do keep solid boundaries and require women to treat you with respect.

[El Brujo]

I don't buddy... Can you please explain?

 

If you're hanging out with certain groups and you don't like the way they're being run, then you need to do your homework and start one of your own.

 

If you understand as well as I do that there is life beyond the bar scene, this will not be an insurmountable task for you.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think the 'nice guy' myth was borne out of a real life situation, but is not the real reason women reject men.

 

Women go for looks. If you believe or convince yourself that they go for personality, then when they get to know you and reject you, you'll say it was because you were a nice guy. The truth is they have eliminated you long ago based on your physical qualities. Trust me. I know plenty of unattractive jerks who get rejected.

 

The only thing is that jerks tend to play more numbers while nice guys focus and concentrate on one woman thinking he can win her with his personality. Jerks usually don't do that.

 

So, considering that, your strategy is a winning one.

[soccerrprp]

After a lot of advise on here about that being a nice guy is pathetic and won't get me anywhere.

 

Yeah sadly I'm one of those guys who care about girls I like too much. I always try to understand them, try to not hurt their feeling and really get to know a girl I like first. I'm always been a bit old fashioned and been against trying to date multiple women and sleeping around.

 

Girls always get impatient with me not progressing the relationship faster (I want to be sure) and they get bored and move on. Do I took a bit advise from my friend (he's a ladies man). He told me not to care about them at all and just do your own thing. And sooner you bed them the sooner they will be chasing you like crazy.

 

So last night I went on a date, I was not connecting with her but found her physically attractive. Cut a long story short we ended up bumping uglies and now she won't leave me alone and is constantly texting me. Telling me how much of a connection we had....

 

I kinda feel bad about just using her for sex... But maybe by friend was right. The sooner you sleep with girls the more they will go crazy for you. And he said sleep with enough women eventually you will find one you actually care about enough that you want to get to know her.

 

Sounds a little immoral if you ask me but being a guy that cares about other people's feeling too much and always getting hurt is really not working for me..

 

Is my friends ideas the best way to stop being the lonely nice guy that cares to much?

 

So, you have become more assertive, more confident instead of hiding in a shell? And that worked for you!?

 

Dude, that's what you had to do in the first place! You can be a "nice guy" and exhibit those characteristics. But if your conclusion is now to be an a-hole, then you missed it all together. I hope you know that. You can (must) still care, still be attentive, still be sensitive, still be a gentleman and be assertive, confident, honest and make this work in your favor.

[apple OR orange]

thanks for the validation, i too have seen this, i bet all women will say "no nice guys are better".

 

Well not doing the lottery is always a good idea, hoever not doing the lottery WONT GET YOU THE GOODS.

 

If you want sex with women, they want bad guys, they say they dont, however voting with your feet tends to show the real situation.

 

Women wont like you when you talk about being bad, just be bad and you get more sex.

[fortyninethousand322]

I think you should just listen to Alice Cooper. I mean school's probably out for summer now, right? Or are sick and obscene?

[Eggplant]

And sooner you bed them the sooner they will be chasing you like crazy.

Because having sex evokes chemical changes in women's brains. Oxytocin. If you could be the father of their baby, subconsciously the whole dynamic changes.

[Eggplant]

Girls always get impatient with me not progressing the relationship faster (I want to be sure) and they get bored and move on. Do I took a bit advise from my friend (he's a ladies man). He told me not to care about them at all and just do your own thing. And sooner you bed them the sooner they will be chasing you like crazy.

 

You don't have to be extreme in your pursuit for sex like your friend -- there is a golden mean. There is a healthy push-pull dynamic in early dating, and if you're not pursuing, then there isn't any tension, and they'd rather go where they feel wanted.

 

The problem is, that tension dynamic is ideally kept alive when the woman plays some defense. You don't actually want to move too quickly, but you're afraid the girl will immediately succumb to your advances and so you take the defense into your own hands. Except this doesn't excite the girl -- she wants to be pursued.

[hppr]

voting with your feet tends to show the real situation.

 

Same.

 

People will say you're being a jerk, prick, he'll probably get flamed for posting this, but the way he laid it out is truth.

 

I think it comes down to different expectations that men and women have of the opposite sex these days.

 

When I started getting back into the dating game I found that a lot of women expect men to be crazy sluts. If you aren't pumping and dumping them like there's no tomorrow they think something is genuinely wrong with you, they'll ask if you're gay, etc. It's almost like they want to tame the guy that can't keep his pants on, make him into a good husband sort of thing.

 

You don't have to be a 'jerk' to pull this off either, but admittedly it does help.

 

Very very rarely you will meet a woman to whom you are 1) attracted and 2) doesn't think that way. If you do meet this woman, and you are relationship minded, there's your shot so don't screw it up. Believe me they ARE out there but you will have to look to find em, and you'll go through all sorts of characters along the way.

 

Otherwise, dating is pretty much just like the OP laid out from the man's point of view. The only caveat I'd add is don't sleep with women you aren't attracted to out of desperation. It's just not good, don't do it. You can take that one to the bank believe me.

[apple OR orange]

don't sleep with women you aren't attracted to out of desperation. It's just not good, don't do it. You can take that one to the bank believe me.

 

Spill, what happened?

[El Brujo]

you get more sex

 

Ho boy, here we go again... it's impossible to reason with some of you other guys.

 

I try to tell you it's a forest, but all you see are trees.

[hppr]

Spill, what happened?

 

Lots of bad stuff to me and to other guys. Literally rattle off all the stereotypical bad things and that is what happens.

 

They are crazy desperate for a guy and you become the target for everything. That was what happened to me, she keyed my car, even after I moved she drove by my old house honking and yelling at night. Seriously if alarm bells are going off, or you just aren't into you, jumping into bed with her is a terrible decision.

 

You get an STD. Self explanatory.

 

You knock em up. Congrats you're a dad now, with child support payments to a woman you wouldn't want to hug when you're sober. Furthermore you now have a baby-mama to deal with so good luck dating decent women for the rest of your life.

 

It's also a philosophical thing. You are poisoning the well every time you do that.

 

So on one hand, girls expect you to sleep around like none other and will think you're gay, bad in bed, whatever if you don't, while on the other hand sleeping around has all sorts of pitfalls.

 

Dating is a rough game I tell yah...

[KathyM]

You know, there is a happy medium between being a douchebag and being a pushover or a timid person that is too lacking in confidence. There is a middle ground, where a man actively pursues a woman, but yet treats her with kindness and respect. Women of quality and with a decent amount of self esteem will not continue to see men who treat them poorly or who only use them for sex. If you want an actual relationship, and not just a booty call, you're going to have to learn to do both (pursue with confidence and treat them kindly). Women who allow themselves to be treated badly are not relationship material.

[Gambit123]

Meh...... The point I was making.

 

Sleep with a girl soon, not care about her that much nor chase her and the power in the dating game flips. You become the one in control I think....

 

 

Not being a douche, the girls choice to sleep with a guy on the first date (it's a mutual decision) and girls fake lack of intrest all the time.

[carhill]

Is my friends ideas the best way to stop being the lonely nice guy that cares too much?

 

Presuming you're young, probably. You certainly will be unlikely to be 'lonely', simply because of increased social interaction due to ceasing to 'put all your eggs in one basket', a necessity of sincerely caring. By caring less, or not at all, many baskets can have a few eggs in them, and many baskets assist in creating a more varied social life as well as increased social 'reputation'. People will always have their opinion but, if you're invisible, you don't exist, socially. By and large, and look around you for examples, 'nice' people are largely invisible, socially. Think about that. Whose names do people remember? Not the nice people quietly going about their business.

 

My advice would be to establish some personal boundaries of respect and propriety and then do what you do within them. If you end up 'loving' a lot of women, that's OK. If you end up being less of a 'nice' guy in life, that's OK too. There's only one 'reward' at the end of it, and you'll universally hate it. Enjoy the now. Good luck.

[thatone]

Yeah sadly I'm one of those guys who care about girls I like too much. I always try to understand them, try to not hurt their feeling and really get to know a girl I like first. I'm always been a bit old fashioned and been against trying to date multiple women and sleeping around.

 

Girls always get impatient with me not progressing the relationship faster (I want to be sure) and they get bored and move on. Do I took a bit advise from my friend (he's a ladies man). He told me not to care about them at all and just do your own thing. And sooner you bed them the sooner they will be chasing you like crazy.

 

 

But here's the thing, you don't understand them. What you need to understand is that women like sex just as much as men do, otherwise they wouldn't have it. You tiptoeing around on pins and needles is a turn off. They want attention from you, you are not in any way helping them by not giving them what they want. You are unnecessarily muddying the water.

 

I would bet that this all stemmed from one woman in your past telling you to behave in this way and you believing it. Here's another thing to consider with that in mind....until a woman proves to you that she is honest and speaking her mind, assume everything she says to be the opposite of the truth, because more often than not that will be the case.

 

As for getting rid of your guilt, tell us where it comes from and we can tell you what the issue likely is. Raised by single mother? Religious guilt? Sister got raped? We need to know where it comes from to give you a rational reason why you should disregard it.

[Gambit123]

I don't think I should be perusing the desire to be liked by people... It's not a cool path to follow.

 

By not caring it means not reacting and trying to please others, just being me and persuing my own needs and wants.

 

And I honestly believe if you sleep with a girl and not really give a damb if she likes you or not, you just focus on fulfilling your own needs. She will be the one perusing you, this goes for most women.

 

Meh actually it should not even be classed as being a jerk but being a man.

[Gambit123]

But here's the thing, you don't understand them. What you need to understand is that women like sex just as much as men do, otherwise they wouldn't have it. You tiptoeing around on pins and needles is a turn off. They want attention from you, you are not in any way helping them by not giving them what they want. You are unnecessarily muddying the water.

 

I would bet that this all stemmed from one woman in your past telling you to behave in this way and you believing it. Here's another thing to consider with that in mind....until a woman proves to you that she is honest and speaking her mind, assume everything she says to be the opposite of the truth, because more often than not that will be the case.

 

As for getting rid of your guilt, tell us where it comes from and we can tell you what the issue likely is. Raised by single mother? Religious guilt? Sister got raped? We need to know where it comes from to give you a rational reason why you should disregard it.

 

I think you really know what your talking about

[Maleficent]

After a lot of advise on here about that being a nice guy is pathetic and won't get me anywhere.

 

Yeah sadly I'm one of those guys who care about girls I like too much. I always try to understand them, try to not hurt their feeling and really get to know a girl I like first. I'm always been a bit old fashioned and been against trying to date multiple women and sleeping around.

 

Girls always get impatient with me not progressing the relationship faster (I want to be sure) and they get bored and move on. Do I took a bit advise from my friend (he's a ladies man). He told me not to care about them at all and just do your own thing. And sooner you bed them the sooner they will be chasing you like crazy.

 

So last night I went on a date, I was not connecting with her but found her physically attractive. Cut a long story short we ended up bumping uglies and now she won't leave me alone and is constantly texting me. Telling me how much of a connection we had....

 

I kinda feel bad about just using her for sex... But maybe by friend was right. The sooner you sleep with girls the more they will go crazy for you. And he said sleep with enough women eventually you will find one you actually care about enough that you want to get to know her.

 

Sounds a little immoral if you ask me but being a guy that cares about other people's feeling too much and always getting hurt is really not working for me..

 

Is my friends ideas the best way to stop being the lonely nice guy that cares to much?

 

Your friend is wrong. You were an ass to this woman and you better as hell at least apologize for using her.

 

What is wrong with people?

[Gambit123]

What do you think it's a bad thing. She seemed to enjoy herself as much as me.

[StanMusial]

Do you really want to change your entire personality and outlook to make some random female(s) happy?