Recovery Program Question

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I don't know if this is appropriate or not, but I have wanted to ask this question since I joined this forum and haven't known how to bring it up. I know I have found some comments throughout some threads, but nothing concrete.

 

Let me say, I love this forum. I find it so refreshing and reading both sides of the BS and OW/OM discussing their stories without being made to feel like a POS is so great.

 

When I first had my affair, my husband gathered all of the Harley books and tried to immediately shove them down my throat and although I felt like there was good information there i was so overwhelmed and hurting so badly I couldn't even begin to think about recovery and some of the things he was asking to be implemented. I also felt like I needed personal IC and Harley was saying it was a waste of time and took the focus off the recovery of the marriage. I felt like that advice was hogwash. I needed to know WHY I did what I did because it wasn't just about boundaries for me - something deep inside was broken and I needed help. I found through therapy those things I had shoved deep down and did not deal with were some of the root causes as to why I had my affair and understanding that helped me and also my husband.

 

Also the widespread exposure that happened in my case served to cause way more damage to us and our families. I still believe to this day we could have healed much faster if it had been handled more privately.

 

Fast forward to my husband's affair and all of a sudden he didn't agree with the Harley methods anymore. Of course he doesn't believe in exposure anymore (go figure).

 

I did begin to post on that site and quickly realized that it wasn't helping me and the name calling (POSOW or POSOM, etc) - I could not understand how that was helping anyone - being so mean. Also, they advocated complete honesty and transparency but then say its okay to spy on your spouse and be deceptive while doing it. Also for babies that were born out of an affair, advocating that you can never had contact with the AP who was the father or mother of that child. Punishing a child and them not having contact with their biological parent made no sense to me

 

I don't know - i suppose for some it is helpful but I felt like so much of the blame was being put at the feet of the BS for not meeting needs and I never thought that the reason I cheated was because my husband was not meeting my needs - that absolutely wasn't true - it was because of ME I cheated - not because of him.

 

I am just interested in opinions as to the success rates for people who have been staunch Harley supporters. While I am fine with whatever works for people, I just wondered what some of the LS posters opinions were.

Edited May 19, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[carhill]

Have you had IC/MC and, if so, how did it compare to the 'process' the recovery program outlines? Having had real world psychological therapy, I found it to be a very individual process, meaning what works for one person may not for another. I noted this difference between my exW and myself within MC. Certain aspects 'spoke' to one of us but not to the other. Hence, I came to value the 'personal' approach of a real world psychologist in personal contact with the couple. In general, though, the same principle should apply to any 'recovery program'.

[Forever Learning]

An innocent child, does not deserve being abandoned.

 

Yes, I agree! Kids need biological parent involvement (safe involvement) unless the parent is abusive to the kids.

 

So anyone, no matter how 'expert' they may be, advocating leaving kids born outside of the marriage behind, to save the marriage, is just wrong.

 

Leaving kids behind lacks integrity and does not align with Judeo-Christian value systems of compassion and love as well.

Edited May 19, 2013 by Forever Learning

[HonestNeurotic]

I think that human beings are very complex. There is no one methodology to solve the problems that we have. It's more of a "take what you can use and leave the rest" - to quote something from AA.

 

Surely it's important to work on one's broken marriage or relationship. It's also important to find out what made one get to where one is. Since we all come from different circumstances, it's unlikely to have one "be all to end all" answer.

 

Getting all public and shaming - that's not solution building to me. No matter what the issue is in life. If I personally don't understand the reasons behind my behaviour, what led me to this "wrong" decision, just telling the world that I'm a bad naughty girl hasn't resolved anything for me. I don't care if it's an emotional family relationship issue or a work issue. Show me where I am WRONG. Help me to discover how I made this mistake.

 

But some people just are better off with everything black and white like that. If it helps them, fine. If it works for them, and they're happy with the outcome, then so be it. Heck, there's even some religious leaders that espouse that the man wouldn't "wander" if the woman kept a better home for him? HUH?

 

I think that these types of experts are not really looking at the fall out of the next generation that is exposed to their methods. i.e., the children. Outing my father's bad behaviour to the entire little town that we lived in sooooo damaged my brother. Now he is DEAD. That ONE person that I could share all my innermost thoughts with is gone from me. Certainly, my parents should never have been parents at all - but that outing of my father, the zealous rightgeousness, led to his untimely death.

 

Just as a single person does not share all of their sexual adventures with the public, I find it heinous that a married couple needs to air their infidelities.

[William]

As LoveShack generally disallows advertising of commercial services, moderation will allow the thread to proceed as long as this discussion continues in the vein of the 'recovery program' itself and does not become an advertisement for the commercial services of the specific provider. Hence, no links are allowed, nor are full names of the principals as, if they were, then Google will use LoveShack's search placement to provide them with free advertising. Those are the parameters. Thanks.

[BetrayedH]

I read Harley's books first.

 

Big mistake. Way too much pressure on the BS to fix the marriage. It wasn't me or the M that was broken; it was my wife.

 

I wish I had stuck with my first inclination, which was to file for D. Not doing so (and focusing on improving the M) is what permitted my W to blameshift and TT. I'm now an advocate of filing for D right off the bat and IF true remorse is shown (and that's a lot more than regret) then you can pause the proceedings. Anything else is delay and distraction.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

What I read as far as children born from affair relationships was that no contact for life included the child from such a union. To be fair, I think he was starting to rethink that a bit, but I haven't seen the rewrite. If you read the threads though that is exactly what is discussed - even to the point of if the AP didn't know it was his child, that it should be kept that way.

 

My experience with IC/MC was fairly positive, but I was adamant I wanted someone who not not a bible thumper and was condemning me, but that would be straightforward with me and honest. I believe I found that and she was able to walk me through some difficult things regarding myself and also give us as a couple some things we could do to start to restore both us and individually - even if we weren't to survive as a couple. She was older and wiser and had lived life. She was an advocate of no contact but also realized in the situation we were in it was highly likely we would have contact from time to time as the years went on. She was mortified at the way the church decided to handle things. As I stated before, it truly did slow recovery down immensely because of the public "shaming". It was yet another thing that we had to deal with on top of the affair. My husband now deeply regrets all of that and wishes so badly he could change that. Churches should be a sanctuary - ready to help and love those who are in trouble - not drive them further away. For this reason (and others not discussed here) I do not true any religious organization and unfortunately I don't trust any pastor.

 

I agree also that there are some good things regarding that particular program and the approach, but for us it was not ideal for our situation.

[Act Two]

I tend to think that initially, the WS has to be doing almost ALL of the work to show that they are worthy of the effort to reconcile. There has to be time in IC spent to work on issues within the WS.

 

Having said that, based on my own failed reconciliation and reading posts here, I agree that it seems like the hard line approach is the way to go. Drop kick the WS until there are massive demonstrated efforts showing remorse. There is also a book out there advocating that- The Redemptive Divorce.

 

Eventually, if there is a remorseful WS, I think it is healthy to look at the marriage and needs of each spouse. I don't buy into the idea that the marriage is perfect and the BS is perfect and nothing needs to be done on the marriage. I think every marriage can still grow and benefit from each partner learning how to clearly communicate needs and trying to meet them, but right after DDay is not exactly the best time to state the needs of the WS though.