You're a really nice guy

[CC12]

I don't blame her for keeping an open mind but it also seems to verify some things I might be worried about.

 

You know what? You shouldn't be worried about anything yet. You've been on two dates. It's nothing. Stop worrying so much and just see where it goes. It's supposed to be fun. Have more fun.

 

Best I simply move on and take lessons for being too nice.

 

She paid you a compliment. Accept the compliment without trying to read too much into it.

[everlongdrummer]

You know what? You shouldn't be worried about anything yet. You've been on two dates. It's nothing. Stop worrying so much and just see where it goes. It's supposed to be fun. Have more fun.

 

You're absolutely right. She did end up texting back later that night saying she'll catch me when she's back (althought she didn't say anything about enjoying the last date like with the last 2). However she did also log in to her dating profile that day and updated some of her photos which to me is a bit of a red flag that means she might not be attracted.

 

I guess I just gotta be cool with the fact that it's only been 3 dates and she has every right to go out and meet other people - if we were meant to be I would be the guy she eventually runs to. In fact since learning this I've adopted a bit of a "eggs in basket" approach and decided to get back on and message/meet other girls too. I like this girl but don't want to be hurt if it doesn't work out.

 

TBH I wouldn't be surprised if she uses this opportunity to never text back again (assuming there's no attraction) however say we do meet again, how many dates does it usually take before you have the "exclusive talk"?

[apple OR orange]

I just don't want you to get bitter and feel like a guy scorned, when what happened is just a normal dating outcome (if she isn't feeling it). Be proud you are a gentleman.

 

I tell guys I am seeing, that I am head over heels about, "You are so nice" or that was "So nice" to be appreciative.

 

 

And here is where women dont seem to "get it".

 

Being nice isnt a problem, its after the 20th time in a row your "so nice" and you didnt get sex, thats when it snaps and now "hes a creep".

 

So, he was nice, never got sex, now hes a creep and doesnt get sex, mean while all the other guys around him who steal cars, treat women bad, get sex.....

 

so..... whos in the right now? the nice guy for loosing but being nice, or the bad guy for being bad but getting sex meaning women want him closer to them than the nice guy!.

 

just pointing out what really happens as its all over this forum every 4 days.

[everlongdrummer]

And here is where women dont seem to "get it".

 

Being nice isnt a problem, its after the 20th time in a row your "so nice" and you didnt get sex, thats when it snaps and now "hes a creep".

 

So, he was nice, never got sex, now hes a creep and doesnt get sex, mean while all the other guys around him who steal cars, treat women bad, get sex.....

 

so..... whos in the right now? the nice guy for loosing but being nice, or the bad guy for being bad but getting sex meaning women want him closer to them than the nice guy!.

 

just pointing out what really happens as its all over this forum every 4 days.

 

I don't mind waiting if its the right girl. But I wouldn't "snap" either, I'd probably just move on. Funnily enough that's probably when they come begging back.

[BoneyHadger]

And here is where women dont seem to "get it".

 

Being nice isnt a problem, its after the 20th time in a row your "so nice" and you didnt get sex, thats when it snaps and now "hes a creep".

 

So, he was nice, never got sex, now hes a creep and doesnt get sex, mean while all the other guys around him who steal cars, treat women bad, get sex.....

 

Wait, so being nice to the other person suddenly obligates them to have sex with you?

[happydate]

Here's an interesting one for you guys. I'm a fairly shy guy who met a girl online and scored a date that went relatively well, lots of talking, flirting and 2 kisses on the cheek. Got a second date and took her out and had a great lunch, lots of more talking laughing etc, except since being so shy I mucked up big time by not making a move in for a kiss the whole date even though I really wanted to.

 

Left it to the last minute when I was dropping her off, another cheek kiss but then I leaned in and we made out for a little bit. All good - however she dropped - what I always believed - the kiss of death, she said "You're such a nice guy".

 

My heart sank, however I mentioned I wanted to meet up again and suggested tomorrow night at her house with some wine, she accepted. An hour later she followed up with a message stating she will see me tomorrow.

 

On one hand I am feeling like I have friend zoned, however on the other hand I'm wondering why a girl who perhaps is not attracted to someone would accept an invitation to meet at her house at night with wine and follow up with a message to confirm? Still friend zoned? Hanging by a thread? Just wants the wine? Only time will tell however an interesting grey area indeed.

 

You're such a nice guy is not a kiss of death. Please let me explain.

 

Good loving women in general like nice guys to treat them right, because nice guys can so in a way and there are women out there who are looking for you.

 

Having said that, is this a one-off thing you dated or is this a pattern you are seeing in your women dating? If it's a pattern, then yes perhaps you are way too nice and women don't like men who act like doormats. If this happens occasionally however, then I think this is what I suspect.

 

And that she is looking for a nice guy who she wants to control and manipulate like her other guys before you. She knows this because your actions reflect that other guys she dated. She is looking for you and that's why she accepts your date.

She then goes on to determine how easy she can control you and she has certain expectations what you will do because she understood her guys programming. She wants to know how much self-esteem and self-worth you've got and she will bombard you with her tests. Since like attracts like (Laws of Attraction), she needs to know if she's on top of you or you are on top of yourself. Dominant women like to be dominant not subservient and when she realizes that while you are a nice guy in principle, you are also authentic and have morale values that other guys she dated didn't. Therefore, she can not possibly control you as easily as the other guys she dated, used and dumped.

Bad boys who fake as nice guys are usually the ones who have a lower self-esteem than the nicer guys do cause they use their bad bravado to hide their low self-worth. These are the guys these women are attracted. And she's confused about your affection and true love towards her. She expects guys like you are like her other guys who play with her and use her.

 

Consider this a blessing in disguise if she does not show any interest in you.

Typically, a woman who is genuinely interested in a guy will not play too much games nor have any controlling aptitude, because she wants you and wants you to be her companion. They are more confident, have higher-self worth and have higher self-confidence where there is no need to manipulate, no need to control and no need to play games with you.

Edited May 22, 2013 by happydate

[everlongdrummer]

Wait, so being nice to the other person suddenly obligates them to have sex with you?

 

I don't believe that, I'd rather wait for the right time when we are both comfortable. Since my dating experience is small I went with the flow.

[everlongdrummer]

You're such a nice guy is not a kiss of death. Please let me explain.

 

Good loving women in general like nice guys to treat them right, because nice guys can so in a way and there are women out there who are looking for you.

 

Having said that, is this a one-off thing you dated or is this a pattern you are seeing in your women dating? If it's a pattern, then yes perhaps you are way too nice and women don't like men who act like doormats. If this happens occasionally however, then I think this is what I suspect.

 

And that she is looking for a nice guy who she wants to control and manipulate like her other guys before you. She knows this because your actions reflect that other guys she dated. She is looking for you and that's why she accepts your date.

She then goes on to determine how easy she can control you and she has certain expectations what you will do because she understood her guys programming. She wants to know how much self-esteem and self-worth you've got and she will bombard you with her tests. Since like attracts like (Laws of Attraction), she needs to know if she's on top of you or you are on top of yourself. Dominant women like to be dominant not subservient and when she realizes that while you are a nice guy in principle, you are also authentic and have morale values that other guys she dated didn't. Therefore, she can not possibly control you as easily as the other guys she dated, used and dumped.

Bad boys who fake as nice guys are usually the ones who have a lower self-esteem than the nicer guys do cause they use their bad bravado to hide their low self-worth. These are the guys these women are attracted. And she's confused about your affection and true love towards her. She expects guys like you are like her other guys who play with her and use her.

 

Consider this a blessing in disguise if she does not show any interest in you.

Typically, a woman who is genuinely interested in a guy will not play too much games nor have any controlling aptitude, because she wants you and wants you to be her companion. They are more confident, have higher-self worth and have higher self-confidence where there is no need to manipulate, no need to control and no need to play games with you.

 

Thank you for your well thought out response. I reinforces to me that while I could improve myself in not acting like a doormat so much, my niceness is a positive thing for the right girl.

 

I'm going to try and move on for the next few weeks and concentrate on meeting new people. If this girl decided to contact me again then great, however she's been on the dating site updating photos and such so it seems she's not satisfied and she's looking around. Can't blame her, I'm doing the same (but for different reasons).

[SuperGeek]

Thank you for posting this. It helps me justify my recent deletion of all my internet profiles. Just completely tired of all the games.

 

Thank you for your well thought out response. I reinforces to me that while I could improve myself in not acting like a doormat so much, my niceness is a positive thing for the right girl.

 

I'm going to try and move on for the next few weeks and concentrate on meeting new people. If this girl decided to contact me again then great, however she's been on the dating site updating photos and such so it seems she's not satisfied and she's looking around. Can't blame her, I'm doing the same (but for different reasons).

[everlongdrummer]

Thank you for posting this. It helps me justify my recent deletion of all my internet profiles. Just completely tired of all the games.

 

Supergeek. I went on 3 dates with a girl, she appeared flaky at the end of the last date and jumped on the dating website to update her profile. How is that supposed to make me feel? I've got 2 options:

 

1. Put all my eggs in one basket and concentrate on the first girl I meet, delete my profile and hope she contacts me again even though we don't know each other that well. Be heartbroken if she flicks me or never contacts me (which could be 3+ weeks) and begin to search from scratch again.

 

2. Enjoy the 3 dates I went on, acknowledge if she does contact again I will be fully open to spending more time with her. Talk to some more girls and possibly organize more dates. If the first girl does a runner, I do not feel like crap because I have 2 more potential contacts. If the first girl does not do a runner, continue dating until we reach exclusivity.

 

It may seem hypocritical that I am worried about her updating her profile while I continue talking to others as well, but I am not doing so to find someone "better", I'm doing it because I don't like attaching onto a girl so soon and getting walked over because of it. I suck at dating and haven't done it for years. I can't read if a girl is actually interested or not behind her friendly smile. I don't want to get my hopes up on one girl.

Edited May 23, 2013 by everlongdrummer

[BeholdtheMan]

"You're such a nice guy"

Yes, the dreaded euphemism for "I'm not attracted to you, don't really associate any positive traits with you, but I don't wanna be rude...I'll just say you're a nice guy"

 

Don't lose hope though cuz while this usually is the kiss of death, she's...invited you to her house for dinner and wine? I'm curious to see where this goes

 

EDIT: LOL never mind. In our culture, the phrase "nice guy" simply isn't positive. Your situation did have me raising an eyebrow though...better luck next time.

 

I think it's more accurate to say "continue to be civil and polite...but stop being timid and weak-willed"

Edited May 23, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[ChessPieceFace]

The phrase "nice guy" used in the context she used it in, means little or nothing. Most women BELIEVE they like nice guys. They may tell guys they like that they are "nice guys." That doesn't mean she's calling you a loser in code. "You're a nice guy, but" -- that would be it, then you'll know. If there's no "but" after it, and she's still going out with you, I wouldn't worry. You're worrying too much and the worrying is what may wreck your chances.

[grkBoy]

Here's an interesting one for you guys. I'm a fairly shy guy who met a girl online and scored a date that went relatively well, lots of talking, flirting and 2 kisses on the cheek. Got a second date and took her out and had a great lunch, lots of more talking laughing etc, except since being so shy I mucked up big time by not making a move in for a kiss the whole date even though I really wanted to.

 

Left it to the last minute when I was dropping her off, another cheek kiss but then I leaned in and we made out for a little bit. All good - however she dropped - what I always believed - the kiss of death, she said "You're such a nice guy".

 

My heart sank, however I mentioned I wanted to meet up again and suggested tomorrow night at her house with some wine, she accepted. An hour later she followed up with a message stating she will see me tomorrow.

 

On one hand I am feeling like I have friend zoned, however on the other hand I'm wondering why a girl who perhaps is not attracted to someone would accept an invitation to meet at her house at night with wine and follow up with a message to confirm? Still friend zoned? Hanging by a thread? Just wants the wine? Only time will tell however an interesting grey area indeed.

 

You're instantly assuming that "nice" means "she's not into you".

 

Granted, most of the time in dating it does mean that...but other times it just means "I like you because you're not the guy who will cheat on me, or the guy who say something mean to make yourself feel better, or the guy who will keep me guessing on 'where things stand' in a bad way."

 

However, I think it's time you make a move. Kiss her...and not on the cheek. Bring her flowers. Show you want her as a girlfriend. Stop worrying about failing and just go for it. If you fail, then at least you know where you stood.

[crederer]

I agree, unless it was followed with a "but" you have nothing to worry about at this time.

[happydate]

Thank you for your well thought out response. I reinforces to me that while I could improve myself in not acting like a doormat so much, my niceness is a positive thing for the right girl.

 

I'm going to try and move on for the next few weeks and concentrate on meeting new people. If this girl decided to contact me again then great, however she's been on the dating site updating photos and such so it seems she's not satisfied and she's looking around. Can't blame her, I'm doing the same (but for different reasons).

 

Ah ha.. A manipulator in disguise.

 

Chalk it up as an experience..

 

Here's a problem with a lot of dating sites in general and that is, people who are dishonest with their profile and trying to juggle things to make him or her look good is nothing more than a manipulator of games in disguise. Obviously when you conversed with her, she realized she got what she wanted from a man she needs, but not the man she wants to be romantically.

 

There are 2 explanations to why she is quickly changing her photos and profile.

 

1, She realized she lied and out comes you. She knows if she keeps the profile, she will get other men who are like you. Not good for her because that's not what is comfortable with. You probably intimidated her enough to know that she's out of your league. She backed off and retreated with the nice guy stance.

 

2, She realized she lied and out comes you, but now becomes insecure that she needs to up her chances to attract more of guys like you. Perhaps she'll land on one guy that will meet her needs.

 

She's trying to date up with guys out of her league, but eventually she can only attract who is really like her. She's trying to manipulate results so she can have the cake and eat it too. Perhaps, but so far no one has ever been all that successful in maintaining long lasting relationships through lying and game manipulations. When you are meant to attract some people, those are the ones who are compatible. Lying and manipulation will only get you somewhere.

 

Either way, she is a GIGS and is totally insecure and commitment phobic kind. She's probably already attracting these kind of men before dating and just use the dating service as a quick way to meet more men.

Some women are great players. You're just not her type unfortunately and sometimes, her dishonest profile led you to her.

 

Do not think you love her or anything like that. Just 3 dates isn't enough to tell who she really is. You need at least 2 years of constant dating to even peel her layers of truth. If you're into her so soon, that tells me that you are also desperate looking for a relationship and so does her.

Edited May 23, 2013 by happydate