everlongdrummer Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Here's an interesting one for you guys. I'm a fairly shy guy who met a girl online and scored a date that went relatively well, lots of talking, flirting and 2 kisses on the cheek. Got a second date and took her out and had a great lunch, lots of more talking laughing etc, except since being so shy I mucked up big time by not making a move in for a kiss the whole date even though I really wanted to. Left it to the last minute when I was dropping her off, another cheek kiss but then I leaned in and we made out for a little bit. All good - however she dropped - what I always believed - the kiss of death, she said "You're such a nice guy". My heart sank, however I mentioned I wanted to meet up again and suggested tomorrow night at her house with some wine, she accepted. An hour later she followed up with a message stating she will see me tomorrow. On one hand I am feeling like I have friend zoned, however on the other hand I'm wondering why a girl who perhaps is not attracted to someone would accept an invitation to meet at her house at night with wine and follow up with a message to confirm? Still friend zoned? Hanging by a thread? Just wants the wine? Only time will tell however an interesting grey area indeed.
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 That does not necessarily mean she is not interested. Don't read too much into it. She could be protecting herself. Some realize that they jump into things too soon and kissing is where it starts. See how the next date goes. Be a little more assertive next time when you two are close, but gauge the evening, don't be pushy. How old are you two? It's rather surprising that she's inviting you into her home in only the third date. She must trust you.
BluEyeL Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I don't think you have a problem, she said you are nice, but she's also interested. Good luck on your third date.
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 You're still good. Actions are more important than words, and her actions reflect that she still wants to see you. And perhaps she is using the term "nice guy" to mean a guy who is nice, rather than the figurative "nice guy" that we all know and love... 1
El Brujo Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Give her a chance: maybe she's not playing a game. Sounds to me like she dated jerks before you came along.
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Sounds to me like she dated jerks before you came along. This is not a good sign...
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Here's an interesting one for you guys. I'm a fairly shy guy who met a girl online and scored a date that went relatively well, lots of talking, flirting and 2 kisses on the cheek. Got a second date and took her out and had a great lunch, lots of more talking laughing etc, except since being so shy I mucked up big time by not making a move in for a kiss the whole date even though I really wanted to. Left it to the last minute when I was dropping her off, another cheek kiss but then I leaned in and we made out for a little bit. All good - however she dropped - what I always believed - the kiss of death, she said "You're such a nice guy". My heart sank, however I mentioned I wanted to meet up again and suggested tomorrow night at her house with some wine, she accepted. An hour later she followed up with a message stating she will see me tomorrow. On one hand I am feeling like I have friend zoned, however on the other hand I'm wondering why a girl who perhaps is not attracted to someone would accept an invitation to meet at her house at night with wine and follow up with a message to confirm? Still friend zoned? Hanging by a thread? Just wants the wine? Only time will tell however an interesting grey area indeed. You kissed her. When you do that, most times you are in. The only exception is usually when they are drunk or in a moment of high vulnerability. Otherwise, women will never kiss a man they are not attracted to. 1
Author everlongdrummer Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks guys. I read way too much into things and just assumed using the words "nice guy" is a bad sign. FYI we are both 25 and although I'm not too experienced, I feel our age is normal for such escalation, perhaps a little fast. I guess I'm hoping she doesn't want to get a quick sexual meet in before letting me go? lol.
apple OR orange Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) i smell a rat... "your a nice guy" is always (and yet to be disproved on this) there message to say "i am not sexually interested in you". If you proceed you will get all the signs to say its ok, however you will not get sex, she is between people she wants and will use you as an "ego boost", she wants a jerk, shes had jerks before and likes them. I don’t think you will get sex, she playing the odds, she knows your shy, you wont ask, i would move to sex (you wont get it) and your have your answer. SHe knows how to play people, she’s playing you. What you need to learn is when your hear the “friendzone alerts” is to shut down from “she might like me” and use her back. Something like “yeah, I cant do tomorrow, how about Sunday”, you will start to see shes not that bothered as your not working on her “using you time table, as that’s how I want it”. and you might find this thread of some validation of the above... "http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/394573-no-more-mr-nice-guy" Edited May 19, 2013 by apple OR orange
El Brujo Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 This is not a good sign... Ease up a little, Hoke... all the women I dated were disaster cases, but that doesn't mean I'm going to say the hell with it and act as bad as they did with any women I date in the future.
Author everlongdrummer Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 i smell a rat... "your a nice guy" is always (and yet to be disproved on this) there message to say "i am not sexually interested in you". If you proceed you will get all the signs to say its ok, however you will not get sex, she is between people she wants and will use you as an "ego boost", she wants a jerk, shes had jerks before and likes them. I don’t think you will get sex, she playing the odds, she knows your shy, you wont ask, i would move to sex (you wont get it) and your have your answer. SHe knows how to play people, she’s playing you. What you need to learn is when your hear the “friendzone alerts” is to shut down from “she might like me” and use her back. Something like “yeah, I cant do tomorrow, how about Sunday”, you will start to see shes not that bothered as your not working on her “using you time table, as that’s how I want it”. and you might find this thread of some validation of the above... "http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/394573-no-more-mr-nice-guy" I appreciate your honesty. You may be right, only tomorrow will tell. From face value she's an extremely nice down to earth girl however you never know a person until you get to know them. She may like jerks and has decided I am not one. My question is why would a girl even bother "playing" if she didn't want anything out of whatever we currently have? Surely a woman who friendzones a potential partner would put effort into keeping him away from potential sexual situations? Even though I felt the date did not go well in terms of having the balls to make a move until the last minute, I felt taking the initiative to suggest meeting again tomorrow was a positive step instead of a typical "so when do you want to meet again?"
carhill Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 My favorite line, so far, has been 'you really care about people', after receiving a vent regarding a particularly self-involved boyfriend or husband, most whom I've known and agreed upon regarding their public behaviors, and then watching the actions of continuing within that relationship, validating their true preference in life. OP, your potential good fortune here is: 1. She's ostensibly single. That's great. 2. You 'made out' a little bit. 3. She agreed to meet you again. I've had 1,2,3 and the ladies have turned out to be married, so I became cynical over time, but don't you be. Enjoy yourself and pay attention to her actions in response to your actions. That's all you need to know. If you're sincerely attracted to her and express it clearly and overtly, you'll never be in the 'friend-zone'. You may not end up with her. That's OK. Good luck.
thatone Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 OP, you are trying to find defeat before there is one. She knows what you going to her house on date 3 means, and she accepted.
Author everlongdrummer Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) For those who are interested to know how this went, I'm receiving some pretty mixed messages from her but all in all I'm pretty sure the attraction has fizzled for her. This morning she messages me saying she didn't want to drink much tonight because she had an early dentist appointment tomorrow (which I confirmed through conversation tonight as she took pain killers for a tooth) so she politely ruled out the wine but mentioned she definitely still wanted to catch up, so I simply agreed. Then later in the afternoon she confessed she felt a little uncomfortable about meeting at her house so soon and suggested we go out for a drink instead. I told her not to stress and was fine with it, acknowledging it was perhaps a little early for that. I drove her to a bar, had really good conversation for a couple of hours, she held my arm on the way back to the car (which I turned into holding hands) and I drove her home. Walked her to the door and held her however she only seemed comfortable with 2 peck kisses rather than a proper one like the night before. No follow up message. A little confusing as she was quite touchy at the bar, and the holding hands part, but seemed a little reserved at the end so I can only really put it down to simply liking my company but not having a high enough level of attraction. She's going back to her home town for 3 weeks now. Best I simply move on and take lessons for being too nice. Edited May 20, 2013 by everlongdrummer
Shosh Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I wouldn't necessarily say she is not interested. She might just have realized that getting drunk at her own place on a 2nd date is a bad idea and therefore changed the venue. Also, she might feel bad about the 1st date kiss and just decide to take it slower. Also, I never sent a follow-up text after a date, even if I really like a guy. She sent you one last time, maybe she is waiting for you to contact her this time. If you like her contact her, say you had a great time and ask her if she wants to do it again when she gets back. If you don't, you will never know if she was interested or not. 1
carhill Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 She's going back to her home town for 3 weeks now. Ha, too funny. However, some good social interaction to help with your 'shyness'. Consider it a success and find another young lady to socialize with, preferably one who's intent on hanging around for more than a few days. Good luck.
ascendotum Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Reading your initial post, I didn't think things were a write off, given you scored a date the next night, at her place with alcohol. Then I read the follow up post. She nicely watered down any prospect there for you to move things up from 'nice guy' status. You're back to peck on the cheek. The fact that she is not comfortable wanting to do a 3rd date back at her place I don't think is necessarily a bad thing, just after getting the nice guy tag + her back peddling on your plans, I think it does give you the vibe she's feeling a bit iffy over you. Still maybe like you she's on the shy side and is playing it cool or maybe she realizes this wont turn into a relationship because she is moving elsewhere in 3 weeks. If you like her keep at it. You have not got the 'you're such a nice guy...but you're just not my type' line yet. Contact her again for another date. Try to get some flirty banter going and make sure you reciprocate when she's touchy feelly.
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Not clear why everyone thinks the OP has been 'friendzoned' if they aren't having sex by the third date. Oh, right... everyone on LS has sex with strangers. Got it. 1
Author everlongdrummer Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 She's far from shy, very talkative outgoing person. We both had a little too much to drink when we accepted to meet up at her place, and I think once she sobered up the next day she realised it wasn't a great idea. The 3 week thing may seem suss to some however she works a 1 week roster and is visiting family in between. The vibe I got is hard to understand by someone like me with very little dating experience but it's either she's still keen but want's to take it slow, or she's extremely nice/friendly herself but isn't attracted. If she doesn't text today I'll send her a quick one asking if she wants to catch up again on return.
Author everlongdrummer Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 It's very telling of the nature of society that something that's actually a positive (being nice) is interpreted as a bad thing and universally agreed upon. I get what you mean but I have an issue of being "too nice" sometimes which can be damaging. Last night I tried to have my own opinion, not agree with everything she said etc, whilst still being pleasant. A positive outcome is that she may see me as being worth taking it slow. A negative outcome is that she see's me as a walkover (yet good to hang with) and is slowly worming her way out of anything overly romantic. The latter seems like a weird scenario, why wouldn't a girl just run away? But that's where my inexperience comes in. I'm learning a lot as this progresses and even if this doesn't work out I'd be happy to have gone through it.
apple OR orange Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 It's very telling of the nature of society that something that's actually a positive (being nice) is interpreted as a bad thing and universally agreed upon. welcome to planet earth, understanding the natives makes it less stressful
todreaminblue Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 It's very telling of the nature of society that something that's actually a positive (being nice) is interpreted as a bad thing and universally agreed upon. i think being nice is associated with boredom..i dont think it should be at all..but ....if a woman were to say i think you are so captivating, i am captured by your presence, your company has been the most enjoyable time i have shared in along time.....so after that convo they call the funny farm.......watch out stalker female ahead....saying hey i think your a nice guy i had a great time seems a viable alternative to the men in white coats and butterfly nets carting you away all the while shouting out i should have just said you are a nice guy......lets do it again.......deb
fabulousgal Posted May 21, 2013 Posted May 21, 2013 Best I simply move on and take lessons for being too nice. And how were you too nice? You met a girl, you liked her, you both agreed to go out a couple times. Perhaps she wasn't as into it as you wanted, but not sure what you did to be "too nice." I just don't want you to get bitter and feel like a guy scorned, when what happened is just a normal dating outcome (if she isn't feeling it). Be proud you are a gentleman. I tell guys I am seeing, that I am head over heels about, "You are so nice" or that was "So nice" to be appreciative.
Author everlongdrummer Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 And how were you too nice? You met a girl, you liked her, you both agreed to go out a couple times. Perhaps she wasn't as into it as you wanted, but not sure what you did to be "too nice." I just don't want you to get bitter and feel like a guy scorned, when what happened is just a normal dating outcome (if she isn't feeling it). I'm not bitter at all, you can't control attraction. I felt I wasn't very challenging on the first couple of dates. She hasn't given me the flick so to speak but I just feel she might not be head over heels.
Author everlongdrummer Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 I texted her today to tell her I had a good time and there's been no response for approx 4 hours. I also noticed she logged into her online dating account again for the first time since our first date. I don't blame her for keeping an open mind but it also seems to verify some things I might be worried about.
Recommended Posts