David-H Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) I'll keep this as concise as possilbe, so forgive me for any vaugeness I could easily write up 10 thousand words! Was with my ex for 3 an a half years, moved abroad last year with her and two months ago it ended. I am now moving back home in two weeks time but part of me is dreading it and making me want to contact her! We broke on kind of mutual terms, I initiated it, she made it stick and moved 10 minutes down the road. Then just 3 weeks later I found out she is sleeping with another guy, flipped out and told her to get all the last bits from the house as I didn't want her coming round anymore. She then took our dog too (long story but the dog was technically hers and didn’t have a say) he was everything to me, especially being on my own abroad and it was like a dagger to the heart, still upset thinking about it now. Before I found out about her sleeping with someone new I was for the most part completely and utterly fine! (consciously at least) Getting on with my life and thinking it was meant to be. Then like a sledgehammer it all changed. She was no longer hanging there with my ignorant thoughts, the safety net had been pulled away and my time to adjust into single life with this as a comforting background had gone. Everything changed. Thoughts of the past changed from being simple nostalgia to feelings of sadness and such longing. Songs started reminding me of her and I started to think about her lots. However with this I have thoughts that the split was right and we were not suited, but if so how come I can harbour all of these feelings so much? She then went cold and didn't text etc, from this came the usual... How can she not care? worry about how I'm doing? just move on so quick? did I mean nothing? etc etc all the normal bulls**t and ego denting you know isn't true but you feel it non the less. I have had NC for about 40 days now but I'm now so tempted to contact her as I have so many mixed feelings. Part of me thinks we were not working and not right for each other, but another part thinks maybe I just didn't try hard enough and if I don't try to see how she feels or try to get her back I might regret it massively. Like I say I'm leaving here in two weeks, I get a nervous shot to the stomach and such sad feelings when I think of it and I think of our journey coming abroad which was such a happy time. I dread seeing her out with her new bf (if that is still going on) and every time I'm out the house I worry about seeing her but part of me wants to and when I go that will be that, it's like the final nail in the coffin and I'm so worried about not doing anything about it! I know my missing her so much is magnified because of my situation, I'm abroad alone and have no close friends out here, the isolation is huge so this will make me want her back more, but still what if it's not just the situation making me feel this? Half of me maybe knows the answers, that I'm just dealing with being single, the fear of being alone and not finding anyone else. That I'm probably missing the relationship more than the person, wanting what I can't have and hating that she doesn't want me now. But everything that reminds me of her gives me such a nervous stomach and want to have her back. Think I just need some advise or agreement so I can solidify my feelings more as right now they are all over the place. I go from being bitter and resentful towards her to missing her so much. I certainly loved her more than any other gf I have been with and that messes with me too. The fact that I can't just see how she is doing or check she is ok also hurts and the fact she doesn't want to know how I'm doing hurts more. It was my birthday recently and she didn't send a text or anything, just 2 months after, that hurt too and compounded my thoughts that she must not care and maybe we did the right thing splitting if she can be so uncaring, or maybe I'm just being a massive baby and need a good cold slap in the face! Sorry to harp on so much! Does anyone have any advise or thoughts on my questions / situation? Edited May 19, 2013 by David-H
Author David-H Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Is there anyone who can reply or give me some response? Over 100 views but no replys, would be great to get any opinions on my problem please.
TaraMaiden Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Things were fine - until she slept with another guy, right? But you were broken up - it had ended, and technically, she had every right if that's what she wanted to do... Does any of the following, resonate? It's something I posted in someone else's thread.... I once read something on the internet, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone. you may THINK it's all related, but it's not. For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured... (1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [Highlight]snowballing starts here[/Highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain. Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2). 1
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) I have had NC for about 40 days now but I'm now so tempted to contact her as I have so many mixed feelings. Part of me thinks we were not working and not right for each other, but another part thinks maybe I just didn't try hard enough and if I don't try to see how she feels or try to get her back I might regret it massively. Half of me maybe knows the answers, that I'm just dealing with being single, the fear of being alone and not finding anyone else. That I'm probably missing the relationship more than the person, wanting what I can't have and hating that she doesn't want me now. But everything that reminds me of her gives me such a nervous stomach and want to have her back. Think I just need some advise or agreement so I can solidify my feelings more as right now they are all over the place. I go from being bitter and resentful towards her to missing her so much. I can relate to the bolded parts above. I've been romanticizing my past relationship and writing a letter to him in my head for the past couple days. A couple hours ago, I had to mentally remind myself that 1) he broke up with me by phone while 3k miles away, 2) he didn't want to see me when he returned home a month later, and 3) he sat on my couch exactly 4 weeks ago and literally said to me, "we had a good run, right? it's just the right time FOR ME to end things." I have to remember that I was unconsciously expressing to him my own uncertainty with the relationship. I'm shocked and surprised he was the one to end it. But I have to honor it. Doesn't mean I haven't sat here all weekend wishing he would email, text, or call me. In my case, I know he's not with somebody new. But that's little consolation because he's NOT WITH ME... *sigh* And he lives two blocks away... Meh. I know he'll reach out to me eventually. I suspect end of June/early July. I know he'll do it when he feels ready to see me. This gives me some comfort that it likely wasn't an easy decision for him either. But a ****ty decision nonetheless that I have very little answers to. It's made it easy to romanticize and wonder what if. It sucks. I have suspicions he might actually come back around, but I recognize I could be delusional. HA! So yeah, I get it. We all get it. You just have to save face and move on. Close that chapter in your life. Edited May 19, 2013 by aisuru 4
Author David-H Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Things were fine - until she slept with another guy, right? But you were broken up - it had ended, and technically, she had every right if that's what she wanted to do... Does any of the following, resonate? It's something I posted in someone else's thread.... Of course she has every right and if I'm being honest with myself I probably would have done the same thing given the opportunity, but that doesn't mean it hurts less. We are selfish by nature in a lot of situations but when the shoe is on the other foot it doesn't feel good. In essence I think we are always trying to fight these 'caveman' emotions and in the civilised world its hard. A million years ago I'd of just beaten the guy to death with the arse bone of a giraffe and got back with her but in the modern world everything has to be suppressed and we have to deal with the emotions that come with it. The snowball thing you posted is great and yes is does resonate a lot! Thanks for posting that, it is spot on.
KPChick000 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Aside from the moving abroad and returning home thing, I can completely sympathize with how you're feeling. My ex and I broke up in January (he initiated), and I was okay with it for the most part, UNTIL I found out (actually he told me) two months later that he was starting to see someone else. Then, all hell broke loose in my head. My emotions were all over the place. I couldn't pinpoint the source of my sadness. I didn't know if I was sad because I loved him and had been in denial or if I was just jealous that someone else "has" him, i.e. wanting what I can't have. Like you, I went from totally ok to an utter mess, where he consumed my thoughts, I longed for him, I missed him, I couldn't sleep, etc. I started having regrets, like what if I had done things differently, and began questioning whether I messed up the relationship and ultimately pushed away someone who was potentially right for me. So, I completely understand where you are coming from. I think we had it in our minds that the break-up was probably for the best, but we also thought, hey he/she wouldn't move on that quickly...as we had something special, and that we'd have time to figure things out. Uh wrong! It really did feel like the rug was pulled from under me - I had thought I would have time to "adjust" to being single. Him moving on so quickly was bad but also good - bad because it caused me such emotional turmoil but good in that it forced me to accept the end of the relationship and to start No Contact/moving on process. I'm also at around 6 weeks NC. Yes of course there are times where I want to contact him, because I miss him, I don't want him to forget me, I want to express how much I am hurting or how much I want things to be different between us, JUST IN CASE he has doubts too or JUST IN CASE there is really a chance. But, then I come back to reality. Everything has already been said. In the end, he decided to walk away and move on. And we have to do the same. No point in dragging it out longer than it should. I think we know in our hearts the outcome of any contact anyway.
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