Is it too soon to let kids meet ow

[tinam]

My kids just had go deal with their father saying he was leaving a week ago nothing else. Finally came over yesterday to explain he hasn't been happy a has nothing ti do with them. Then springs he's been seeing another woman. Oh and do you want to meet her tomorrow? In our earlier argument i said hell no. Then he starts threatening full custudy if i keep them from him. Cause appararantly if i say they can't be around her then he can't see them cause now he's moving in with her cause his dad wants him out. He's got another girl fine. Is it my problem he has nowhere else to see them but her pace. I don't want to push this on them too soon. My oldest son son no immediacy. My daughter did too then changed her mind. I asked her about it she said she wants to see daddy and don't want her ithrr brother to have to go alone. I think she's just pushing through. She's 11! God don't they need a little time to absorb all this before pushing ow in their face! It was 10th days ago you were kissing mommy on the couch! Wth !

[Shocked Suzie]

My kids just had go deal with their father saying he was leaving a week ago nothing else. Finally came over yesterday to explain he hasn't been happy a has nothing ti do with them. Then springs he's been seeing another woman. Oh and do you want to meet her tomorrow? In our earlier argument i said hell no. Then he starts threatening full custudy if i keep them from him. Cause appararantly if i say they can't be around her then he can't see them cause now he's moving in with her cause his dad wants him out. He's got another girl fine. Is it my problem he has nowhere else to see them but her pace. I don't want to push this on them too soon. My oldest son son no immediacy. My daughter did too then changed her mind. I asked her about it she said she wants to see daddy and don't want her ithrr brother to have to go alone. I think she's just pushing through. She's 11! God don't they need a little time to absorb all this before pushing ow in their face! It was 10th days ago you were kissing mommy on the couch! Wth !

 

This is totally out of line! My ex tried the same two weeks after he left.... No way!!! U need to sit your children down and talk to them about what has happened and how they feel and their wishes! It's way too soon for them to take on so much info so soon and meet the OW.... He is being a idiot! Time to get on top of this Tina .... He's gonna be a prize A hole!!

 

My kids still haven't met the OW yet...when they do its on my kids terms no one else's... One of my kids is happy to meet her in time, the other one doesn't want to at all atm.... I'm leaving it up to them, fortunately atm my ex has excepted this too

Edited May 19, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[coaches24]

This is totally out of line! My ex tried the same two weeks after he left.... No way!!! U need to sit your children down and talk to them about what has happened and how they feel and their wishes! It's way too soon for them to take on so much info so soon and meet the OW.... He is being a idiot! Time to get on top of this Tina .... He's gonna be a prize A hole!!

 

My kids still haven't met the OW yet...when they do its on my kids terms no one else's... One of my kids is happy to meet her in time, the other one doesn't want to at all atm.... I'm leaving it up to them, fortunately atm my ex has excepted this too

 

Yep I agree. And don't let their father rattle you with threats of full custody. Feom what I am reading about custody hearings if he goes to court asking for full custody under these circumstances it will make him look bad and you have a good chance of getting a favorable decision. Only way the courts would grant him full custody is if he has proof that the children would not be taken care of with you. I'm not sure how his moving in with the OW will effect custody but maybe that would work in your favor of getting full custody for yourself. Definitely keep a time line of all events as they happen, including the threats to take the children. It will make him look like a fool in court (when you get to that point) and help your cause.

 

Also google custody laws in your state or country and see what they say. What I have read is about California law so it could be different where you are. I am scared of what will happen with my daughter if my wife does leave and we end up in a custody battle so I have been looking at alot of info about how that works and it makes me feel a little better seeing that most likely we would end up with joint custody in a court if we took it that far.

[tinam]

I know. Im such a mess. What next. It was like looking at a stranger! Where is my husband! I did sit the kids down. My oldest 16 said no. My middle 12 said he would go. He's been kinda indifferent since it happened .My daughter 11 has taken it the worse. She said no at first than changed her mind said she wanted to see daddy. I asked if she was ok meeting his new girlfriend and she didn't have to yet she said it was fine she was just nervous how it was gonna be. She kept hugging me asking if i was ok. I put in the bravest face dying inside. How am i gonna get through today when he takes them to meet her. God tell this gets easier!!!

[tinam]

Yep I agree. And don't let their father rattle you with threats of full custody. Feom what I am reading about custody hearings if he goes to court asking for full custody under these circumstances it will make him look bad and you have a good chance of getting a favorable decision. Only way the courts would grant him full custody is if he has proof that the children would not be taken care of with you. I'm not sure how his moving in with the OW will effect custody but maybe that would work in your favor of getting full custody for yourself. Definitely keep a time line of all events as they happen, including the threats to take the children. It will make him look like a fool in court (when you get to that point) and help your cause.

 

Also google custody laws in your state or country and see what they say. What I have read is about California law so it could be different where you are. I am scared of what will happen with my daughter if my wife does leave and we end up in a custody battle so I have been looking at alot of info about how that works and it makes me feel a little better seeing that most likely we would end up with joint custody in a court if we took it that far.

 

In the end he said he don't want it to get nasty. He only right up custody when i said i didn't want kids around ow. He lost it cause he's moving in with her and if i cause trouble with that it makes it hard for him to see them. I don't want to make his life easy but they want to see their dad. If it has to be with her I'll deal. I have no choice. But when THEIR ready! I talked with them both again this morning they don't want to go yet. I made sure it wasn't me that swayed their mind. My son said he didn't want to go without his older brother my daughter said she didn't want to anyway just wanted to be there for her brother and now he don't want to. So at least i get another week to digest this before dealing with this new issue.

[Steadfast]

God tell this gets easier!!!

 

I'm not God, but it does get easier.

 

What your wonderful hubby doesn't realize is that he's harming himself most of all. He's working his new deal to the max, at the expense of everything (and everyone) else. Crazy as it sounds, you must set the example. For him, and for the kids. Someone has to. Someone needs to rise above the bull$hit and steer the ship away from the rocks.

 

That someone is you.

 

Fact and fiction:

 

Fact: You can't keep him from introducing the kids to anyone, or spending time with the same. Unless there is unlawful activity (arrest) and a judge places them in your care and issues a restraining order against hubby.

 

Fiction: Any judge giving him full custody. Unless you're a garbage eating crackhead with a mile-long record. Even then you'd probably get joint. Next time he pulls that crap laugh in his face and demand that he bring it on. Tell him what I told my ex; "I'm in the mood for a fight. Let's do it".

 

Fact: He's hurting the kids. You can't stop it...but something will have to give. Some where at some time. My prediction? The kids will resent him for what he's putting everyone through and he will lose their respect.

 

All you can do is explain the situation, then wait to see if it sinks in. Do it calmly. If he suspects you're challenging him, he'll rebel. Play it smart... make him think what you want him to do is his idea. Butter him up. Play him like a fool. It'll work because that's what he is. Stupid. You can't be.

 

Breathe. One day at a time. Stay focused. One crisis at a time.

[Steen719]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but there is a very good chance your H will (at some point) come to his senses and realize what a huge mistake he has made. He may come back, asking for another chance with you and his family. It could be that he will have hurt your soul too much to let that happen and who could blame you?

 

Affairs are best when kept in the dark. Oh sure, for a while, he will enjoy the newness, but that doesn't last as real life slowly creeps in.

 

I never, ever, ever thought my XH would be back asking for another chance. He was cold, prideful, so certain he was right about everything. I was wrong; he did. It was too late for me. All I can offer him is my sympathy on his situation.

 

You are going through the worst time right now. I am so sorry. It is just awful and worse when you have kids to help through it. Keep your chin up, cry when you have you and realize that your H does not determine your value. You have value on your own. Think about this - what is this OW getting? She is getting a cheater.

 

Hugs to you.

[coaches24]

Absolutely. In your kids minds you have to be neutral. As opposite to that as you feel inside you have to make sure your kids see no ill will towards their dad from you. You have to be the one who tells them how much you BOTH love them. My parents divorced when I was 17. My dad left and moved in with the OW and my brother and I stayed with my mom. My mom was so bitter she was always making negative comments about my dad. Never really told me details of what was or had happened but just little comments. I still feel resentment towards both parents (the resentment for my dad came later with other things he did. He never bad mouthed my mom in front of me so I felt closer to him during the divorce despite his leaving for the OW). Now I don't talk to my dad at all (NC for 15+ years) and my relationship with my mom is minimal. We talk every few months but we are not close at all. I think had my mom been able to keep her feelings about my dad hidden better that we might have been closer in the end.

 

 

I'm not God, but it does get easier.

 

What your wonderful hubby doesn't realize is that he's harming himself most of all. He's working his new deal to the max, at the expense of everything (and everyone) else. Crazy as it sounds, you must set the example. For him, and for the kids. Someone has to. Someone needs to rise above the bull$hit and steer the ship away from the rocks.

 

That someone is you.

 

Fact and fiction:

 

Fact: You can't keep him from introducing the kids to anyone, or spending time with the same. Unless there is unlawful activity (arrest) and a judge places them in your care and issues a restraining order against hubby.

 

Fiction: Any judge giving him full custody. Unless you're a garbage eating crackhead with a mile-long record. Even then you'd probably get joint. Next time he pulls that crap laugh in his face and demand that he bring it on. Tell him what I told my ex; "I'm in the mood for a fight. Let's do it".

 

Fact: He's hurting the kids. You can't stop it...but something will have to give. Some where at some time. My prediction? The kids will resent him for what he's putting everyone through and he will lose their respect.

 

All you can do is explain the situation, then wait to see if it sinks in. Do it calmly. If he suspects you're challenging him, he'll rebel. Play it smart... make him think what you want him to do is his idea. Butter him up. Play him like a fool. It'll work because that's what he is. Stupid. You can't be.

 

Breathe. One day at a time. Stay focused. One crisis at a time.

[trippi1432]

Hi Tinam - I've been reading your threads and honestly, it's been hard to reply to them because it's like history repeating itself from over 3 years ago when this happened to me and our family. My exH did this exact thing less than two weeks after our last reconcile attempt, I had no idea a 3rd party was involved that was impeding us from working on our marriage; however, unlike yours, our 15 year relationship had been rocky for years. Still, I expected him to be a lot of things, I didn't peg him as being unloyal until he pulled her out of the closet.

 

I can't tell you that this gets easier, for me, it didn't. It's hard because you are still in a state of shock and trying to accept everything while the train (your husband) is running at full speed ahead towards creating that huge train wreck of everyone's lives. Our son was 14 when this happened. He was open to meeting the OW and believed the gas-lighting when his father told him that he and this woman had just met after he sat down with the 3 of us to say that the marriage was over and Mom and Dad were getting divorced.

 

Believe me when I say, this whole situation makes healing for everyone even harder because you are not only dealing with a selfish ex-spouse, you will be dealing with the OW who is going to try and control the situation and you through the kids as well. Expect that he will continue to gas-light all of you while he goes through his affair fog to create his "new, perfect life". My ex-husband treated the entire situation as if he were in High School again. It's hard when you are trying to do the right thing and let the kids make the decision because they are old enough, it's harder when they are still in the state of trying to accept everything and a new situation is being presented before they can accept the current state. These situations affect them not just at home, it affects their lives when it comes to their personal relationships, school....everything.

 

It's a shame that in these situations, there really is nothing you can legally do to protect the kids. I hit hard with full, physical custody of our son. It still does not give you any rights to say who your husband can take your child around. Legal custody does not establish moral grounds unless you can prove abuse or an unfit parent. And even agreements (such as my ex and I had about not taking our son around other people while we were divorcing) are not legally binding.

 

Do check the laws in your state. In my state, you have the right to sue for Alienation of Affection. It's a lawsuit on the person who interfered in your marriage. Many of those cases have been won in my state by women bringing them on the affair partner. He has choices on where he sees the kids, he does not have to see them at her house, he chooses too because he is in an affair fog. Right now, he doesn't care who's life he is affecting as long as he is getting what he wants. He can see them in your home while you leave and go somewhere else, he can just take them to the movies or out to dinner by himself. I'm not saying go head to head with him on the OW, what he should be doing is considering his children's feelings about the divorce. He hasn't even given them time to let it sink in and get to acceptance. It's totally callous and selfish behavior. They need to have time with their father as a single person and him do some "heavy lifting" in the parent department for a while. Sounds like he has always needed someone (a woman) to do that for him since he wants to introduce her so quickly.

[tinam]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words! So i texted him and told him the kids didn't want to go meet his gf. Said i talked to them and he was welcome to and he could still take em to the park or something. He picked them up at my sisters, im there for the day and he informs me he's going to hang at my house for a few hours with the kids since he can't take them back to her house. Am i wrong or is that not right! How can he leave us and that house and decide he's gonna hang there for the day when its convienient ! I know what he'll say if i say something. "Its technically still my house cause i pay most of the bills." Which is true. He's there making the kids feel like its normal. Im here knowing he's there driving me nuts! Ahhh !!! That was a scream. Investing in a punching bag. That might help a little.

[Steen719]

 

Fact: He's hurting the kids. You can't stop it...but something will have to give. Some where at some time. My prediction? The kids will resent him for what he's putting everyone through and he will lose their respect.

 

Yep...and unless he is a sh*t through and through, he will eventually realize just what this has cost him.

[trippi1432]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words! So i texted him and told him the kids didn't want to go meet his gf. Said i talked to them and he was welcome to and he could still take em to the park or something. He picked them up at my sisters, im there for the day and he informs me he's going to hang at my house for a few hours with the kids since he can't take them back to her house. Am i wrong or is that not right! How can he leave us and that house and decide he's gonna hang there for the day when its convienient ! I know what he'll say if i say something. "Its technically still my house cause i pay most of the bills." Which is true. He's there making the kids feel like its normal. Im here knowing he's there driving me nuts! Ahhh !!! That was a scream. Investing in a punching bag. That might help a little.

 

Tinam - This is where you have to take your feelings of being wronged out of it because this is actually healthier for the kids right now. Both of you establishing a healthy relationship with the kids as separate parents is the priority right now. He needs to understand that is more important than his relationship with his OW.

 

For you, invest in the punching bag and it's okay to step out and take a walk or go to the park while he visits. Do what you need to do for yourself to establish your boundaries when it comes to your husband.

[Steen719]

Hi Tinam - I've been reading your threads and honestly, it's been hard to reply to them because it's like history repeating itself from over 3 years ago when this happened to me and our family. My exH did this exact thing less than two weeks after our last reconcile attempt, I had no idea a 3rd party was involved that was impeding us from working on our marriage; however, unlike yours, our 15 year relationship had been rocky for years. Still, I expected him to be a lot of things, I didn't peg him as being unloyal until he pulled her out of the closet.

 

It is hard to read the posts for me because I remember how hard it is to be discarded like yesterday's news. So, so painful.

[tinam]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but there is a very good chance your H will (at some point) come to his senses and realize what a huge mistake he has made. He may come back, asking for another chance with you and his family. It could be that he will have hurt your soul too much to let that happen and who could blame you?

 

Affairs are best when kept in the dark. Oh sure, for a while, he will enjoy the newness, but that doesn't last as real life slowly creeps in.

 

I never, ever, ever thought my XH would be back asking for another chance. He was cold, prideful, so certain he was right about everything. I was wrong; he did. It was too late for me. All I can offer him is my sympathy on his situation.

 

You are going through the worst time right now. I am so sorry. It is just awful and worse when you have kids to help through it. Keep your chin up, cry when you have you and realize that your H does not determine your value. You have value on your own. Think about this - what is this OW getting? She is getting a cheater.

 

Hugs to you.

 

Thank you so much for this! Very helpful! He seems so very done with me at this point. I don't even see the same man i saw 10 days ago. So cold and hurtful. Very resentful towards me for all our financial problem. I haven't worked much the past few years until recently. Says its been all on his shoulders and he had enough. Now he's got the independent gf who already has the place all he has to do is move in with her house I truly hope IF he ever regrets it I'll beat a place to tell him sorry. You messed up.

[trippi1432]

Thank you so much for this! Very helpful! He seems so very done with me at this point. I don't even see the same man i saw 10 days ago. So cold and hurtful. Very resentful towards me for all our financial problem. I haven't worked much the past few years until recently. Says its been all on his shoulders and he had enough. Now he's got the independent gf who already has the place all he has to do is move in with her house I truly hope IF he ever regrets it I'll beat a place to tell him sorry. You messed up.

 

 

tinam - Did your husband express that he was unhappy about the finances and ever suggest ways to deal with it? Cut back on spending...etc?

[tinam]

tinam - Did your husband express that he was unhappy about the finances and ever suggest ways to deal with it? Cut back on spending...etc?

 

No. I even suggested that. Counseling whatever it takes. Says its just been a weight for to long .The past few years there's always been a reasons i couldn't work. His hours conflict most transportation problems. There was a time we had to move away from my family i became very depressed probably could have worked and didn't. He felt its all been on his shoulders and i get that to an extent but to just leave a 15 year marriage without really expressing concern and working on it is just beyond me.

[dreamingoftigers]

I know. Im such a mess. What next. It was like looking at a stranger! Where is my husband! I did sit the kids down. My oldest 16 said no. My middle 12 said he would go. He's been kinda indifferent since it happened .My daughter 11 has taken it the worse. She said no at first than changed her mind said she wanted to see daddy. I asked if she was ok meeting his new girlfriend and she didn't have to yet she said it was fine she was just nervous how it was gonna be. She kept hugging me asking if i was ok. I put in the bravest face dying inside. How am i gonna get through today when he takes them to meet her. God tell this gets easier!!!

 

Honestly. Thunk this MFer in the head NOW.

 

My husband pulled the same ****e when he was in full-blown addiction.

 

Tell him and the kids that you are going to let them chill for two weeks to accept this crapola and that you aren't caving to his demands.

 

He can visit them etc. anywhere but introducing them to OW so quick and traumatizing them.

 

Document, document, document. Tell him if he disagrees that he can do whatever he feels he needs to regarding custody. And that if the kids truly, convictedly wanted to be there with OW, they would have shown up and told him so already. Not to mention the psychological damage forcing a loyalty choice is going to do to the 11 & 12 year-old.

 

Tell him to back the Eff off or that when he pulls for "full custody" you have no problem returning the favor based on the fact that he has not considered the effects this has had on your children and has responded by threatening you with losing them.

 

If you don't have an attorney ready to rip his dumb ass to pieces, why not?

 

BTW, you can also insist that he only communicate with you via text or email SOLELY. Everything he says/does is recorded in writing that way. Eff him and his special self.

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but there is a very good chance your H will (at some point) come to his senses and realize what a huge mistake he has made. He may come back, asking for another chance with you and his family. It could be that he will have hurt your soul too much to let that happen and who could blame you?

 

Affairs are best when kept in the dark. Oh sure, for a while, he will enjoy the newness, but that doesn't last as real life slowly creeps in.

 

I never, ever, ever thought my XH would be back asking for another chance. He was cold, prideful, so certain he was right about everything. I was wrong; he did. It was too late for me. All I can offer him is my sympathy on his situation.

 

You are going through the worst time right now. I am so sorry. It is just awful and worse when you have kids to help through it. Keep your chin up, cry when you have you and realize that your H does not determine your value. You have value on your own. Think about this - what is this OW getting? She is getting a cheater.

 

Hugs to you.

 

When did that happen Steen719?

 

I also wasn't expecting that from my husband, (Post-addiction) but the more reading I did, the more I realized that men really don't click in for about six months when they float away like this. Women tend not to go in reverse in general. Probably refusal to admit fault OR once we detach we just don't reform those attachments. (Don't know).

 

So, I just focused on myself, didn't make any expectations and did everything I could for my little daughter. Once I stopped contacting him about ANYTHING and not contacting him back about ANYTHING except our daughter including all his stupid, baiting, fighting crap..... he bounced back almost immediately.

 

Took it slow, made sure that there was SOMETHING viable.....

and regretted it ever since.....:mad:

 

(I'm a little bitter today).

[trippi1432]

Thank you so much for this! Very helpful! He seems so very done with me at this point. I don't even see the same man i saw 10 days ago. So cold and hurtful. Very resentful towards me for all our financial problem. I haven't worked much the past few years until recently. Says its been all on his shoulders and he had enough. Now he's got the independent gf who already has the place all he has to do is move in with her house I truly hope IF he ever regrets it I'll beat a place to tell him sorry. You messed up.

 

No. I even suggested that. Counseling whatever it takes. Says its just been a weight for to long .The past few years there's always been a reasons i couldn't work. His hours conflict most transportation problems. There was a time we had to move away from my family i became very depressed probably could have worked and didn't. He felt its all been on his shoulders and i get that to an extent but to just leave a 15 year marriage without really expressing concern and working on it is just beyond me.

 

Exactly, how could that be the reason? It's not. You need to see the gas-lighting talk so you don't start believing it.

 

Your husband did not leave due to the financial burdens. He will still have financial burdens and if he thinks his new woman is going to take them off his shoulders, he sadly mistaken or he found a good financial doormat.

 

Simply put, he knows he is a coward, but his affair fog and ego won't let him take responsibility. Don't take it for him, only own what is yours to own. It's not about this independent gf who works....blah blah blah. It's about him and his inability to step up and work on the real issues within himself as well as lead his family.

 

It's your responsibility to see in yourself where you are valuable, as a wife and as a mother. I'm sure you didn't sit about and not participate as a wife and mother for those 15 years hun.

[Steen719]

When did that happen Steen719?

 

I also wasn't expecting that from my husband, (Post-addiction) but the more reading I did, the more I realized that men really don't click in for about six months when they float away like this. Women tend not to go in reverse in general. Probably refusal to admit fault OR once we detach we just don't reform those attachments. (Don't know).

 

So, I just focused on myself, didn't make any expectations and did everything I could for my little daughter. Once I stopped contacting him about ANYTHING and not contacting him back about ANYTHING except our daughter including all his stupid, baiting, fighting crap..... he bounced back almost immediately.

 

Took it slow, made sure that there was SOMETHING viable.....

and regretted it ever since.....:mad:

 

(I'm a little bitter today).

 

dot...so funny, I remember you saying to me that it takes men longer to come to their senses.

 

Oh, about 2 or 3 months ago, XH and gf broke up. I guess they, according to him, had been contemplating breaking up, him going so far as to rent a truck several times, packing it and then not moving. He finally moved back into the house - 4 hours from his hometown and her and starting texting me about how he was so depressed, he has missed his family, blah, blah. He has cried every time I see him and goes between still blaming me and then saying how I didn't deserve it. I told him that I would try to be his friend, that my son and I would help him if he had a medical problem and that I have encouraged my son to stay in touch with him. He came over one day to help me with my little yard and told me that he was talking to gf frequently and this is still when he was asking me back - I threw him out. He simply didn't get the point! Why was I mad? - I didn't want him.....talk about hedging your bets! LOL Then he shows up on mother's day with a dozen roses, beautiful card and again, tears in his eyes. I have told him that he needs to get some help. I have also tried to explain why after he has done this 2 times, I could never trust him again. I mean, after all, I gave up what I thought my future would be, too, because of all of this. But, I thanked him and asked him to sit for a while. Ahhh well....so, you were right, everyone was right - he did regret it.

 

But, tinam, you might be surprised at how you feel when this happens. If it takes long enough, you may just feel sorry for him, but decide you deserve better and you would be right.

 

Heed the advice here. Get an attorney, particularly to see what your rights as far as visitation to his new environment are and child support issues, alimony and the like.

 

Trippi is right also, about the fact that the financial difficulty he is talking about is just an attempt to make himself feel justified in leaving you and the kids. He has lost his mind. You must stay strong.

 

(Sorry for the t/j tina - answering dot)

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry Tinam,

 

Too lazy to PM I guess....

 

Steen, if my H took off to play house with an OW, I never would've even considered him as take-back goods. I get it. Mine was a stupid enough circumstance. Honestly, when it takes that much effort to yet out of a marriage and realign one's mind, there's no sense AT ALL in risking it for someone who's blatantly thrown you under the bus after you did a full reconciliation the last time he threw you under.

 

He's got a real "thing" for his exes. Like he never wants to lose a trading card.

 

WHAT. A. MORON.

 

dot...so funny, I remember you saying to me that it takes men longer to come to their senses.

 

Oh, about 2 or 3 months ago, XH and gf broke up. I guess they, according to him, had been contemplating breaking up, him going so far as to rent a truck several times, packing it and then not moving. He finally moved back into the house - 4 hours from his hometown and her and starting texting me about how he was so depressed, he has missed his family, blah, blah. He has cried every time I see him and goes between still blaming me and then saying how I didn't deserve it. I told him that I would try to be his friend, that my son and I would help him if he had a medical problem and that I have encouraged my son to stay in touch with him. He came over one day to help me with my little yard and told me that he was talking to gf frequently and this is still when he was asking me back - I threw him out. He simply didn't get the point! Why was I mad? - I didn't want him.....talk about hedging your bets! LOL Then he shows up on mother's day with a dozen roses, beautiful card and again, tears in his eyes. I have told him that he needs to get some help. I have also tried to explain why after he has done this 2 times, I could never trust him again. I mean, after all, I gave up what I thought my future would be, too, because of all of this. But, I thanked him and asked him to sit for a while. Ahhh well....so, you were right, everyone was right - he did regret it.

 

But, tinam, you might be surprised at how you feel when this happens. If it takes long enough, you may just feel sorry for him, but decide you deserve better and you would be right.

 

Heed the advice here. Get an attorney, particularly to see what your rights as far as visitation to his new environment are and child support issues, alimony and the like.

 

Trippi is right also, about the fact that the financial difficulty he is talking about is just an attempt to make himself feel justified in leaving you and the kids. He has lost his mind. You must stay strong.

 

(Sorry for the t/j tina - answering dot)

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words! So i texted him and told him the kids didn't want to go meet his gf. Said i talked to them and he was welcome to and he could still take em to the park or something.

He picked them up at my sisters, im there for the day and he informs me he's going to hang at my house for a few hours with the kids since he can't take them back to her house.

Am i wrong or is that not right! How can he leave us and that house and decide he's gonna hang there for the day when its convienient ! I know what he'll say if i say something. "Its technically still my house cause i pay most of the bills." Which is true. He's there making the kids feel like its normal. Im here knowing he's there driving me nuts! Ahhh !!! That was a scream. Investing in a punching bag. That might help a little.

 

This is what i've done...when me ex has the kids its done within the family home, i hate the thought of him here when im at work (i hide everything i dont want him to see) just in case...but i did this for this kids and it has worked well and stopped him from pushing for the kids to meet the OW. my Ex thought it was me that was stopping the kids from meeting the OW, i simply told him to talk to the kids... i knew how they felt because as we was open about the situation from the start...my kids were shell shocked and needed time to get their head around the fact that their dad had gone...let alone met another woman and was living with her! i would suggest to your husband that you give the children a few months for them to get used to the changes before they meet her 'his relationship may not even last'...if he moans about having to see them in your home or at the park and pays the bills! it tough he created this situation he will have to make allowances

 

My advice to you would be to get legal advice asap and to start to take control...he'll probably think your gonna be a total push over 'let him think this' but make sure your not!

 

try not to allow his stupid behavior effect your time with your kids...sit down have lunches/evening meals together...chat, open up...allow them to talk when they want to. Make time to do fun simple little things as a family, take up things that the kids want to do...my son and i go fishing, my daughter comes and reads a book. make things special, new...yours and your childrens time...it will allow family bonding and take off the pressure of whats going on... it allows breathing space, lightens everyone's load and shows life can move forward in a positive way with or with out dad....i shows to them that you can cope and that your gonna be ok in time...it doesn't hurt to get upset in front of them...this is life, this allows them to feel they can do this in front of you too...i know its hard but try your hardest not to bad mouth him

 

It may sound silly but every now and then we have little meetings to discuss how they are feeling, this is varied from school, things they want to do and the situation..this is another time that allows communication.

 

Start to think smart and most importantly have time and fun with the kids...it really does help xxx

Edited May 19, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[Shocked Suzie]

Honestly. Thunk this MFer in the head NOW.

 

My husband pulled the same ****e when he was in full-blown addiction.

 

Tell him and the kids that you are going to let them chill for two weeks to accept this crapola and that you aren't caving to his demands.

 

He can visit them etc. anywhere but introducing them to OW so quick and traumatizing them.

 

Document, document, document. Tell him if he disagrees that he can do whatever he feels he needs to regarding custody. And that if the kids truly, convictedly wanted to be there with OW, they would have shown up and told him so already. Not to mention the psychological damage forcing a loyalty choice is going to do to the 11 & 12 year-old.

 

Tell him to back the Eff off or that when he pulls for "full custody" you have no problem returning the favor based on the fact that he has not considered the effects this has had on your children and has responded by threatening you with losing them.

 

If you don't have an attorney ready to rip his dumb ass to pieces, why not?

 

BTW, you can also insist that he only communicate with you via text or email SOLELY. Everything he says/does is recorded in writing that way. Eff him and his special self.

 

this is important! not only is it recorded, but it minimizes contact and stops conversations getting too personal every time you speak to him it will set you back, because you are vunerable and in shock....this is another way to take back some control, cause at the moment its all on his terms!! tell him that you have spoken to the children and you are and he is to respect their wishes, which is; that they don't want to meet the OW until they are ready, this is their terms and he is not to push them. Tell him that as long as he respects their wishes you wont stand in his way and that he is welcome to see the children in the family home...put a time frame for reassessing the situation...my kids suggested 6 months! also tell him to only contact you via email or text (keep everything) i did this but my ex was a pain with texting and i found it was effecting me when i was at work or having a good day...so i changed my number, he only emails now....its bliss!! xxx

 

get tough, turn the situation around...he's the one thats being the fool not you! find out your legal rights and start to get stronger...and fight for whats best for your kids....as to what they want!

 

you will get there Tina dont forget this isn't the man you married, he is a stranger....

Edited May 19, 2013 by Shocked Suzie