Question for betrayed spouses...How did you find out?

[Goodbye]

How did you find out about your spouses affair? It seems some of you found out AFTER the end...did you spouse just tell you out of residual guilt? Did the OW/OM contact you? If so, how and when? Did you use your own methods of discovery?

[ComingInHot]

Good morning goodbye* (I just like writing that*)

So, my H's A was probably a total of three to four months long, if you factor in the chemical attraction and the leading up to as well as him letting her down gently under the guise of remaining friends, it was about a year/year and a half.

The dance leading up was about six weeks so it had been over (in H's eyes) for over a year. When she emailed me.

It was anonymous email. Out of Nowhere for me and I was sitting by the pool while H ran to store.

Wow. I'm shaking w/the memory.

I responded to miss anonymous. "You're funny. Who Is this? Lol*" then she responded, it's no joke just thought you should know what kind of man you're M to...

I asked for substantiated proof & that's when she forwarded a couple emails from her personal account and didn't delete her name.

She went off w/a vengeance about so many so did tawdry things my mind was spinning and my stomach churning. She was clearly very angry and told me she new he had played her.

I forgave her and wrote her so then wished her peace in her future.

This apparently enraged her. She continued emailing me awful things and began attacking Me!!?!

I again thanked her for the information and told her I would take things from here. She kept asking what I was going to do and I stated one last time that I would take it from here. I honestly had everything I needed.

H came home.I showed him the Emails.

Packed his bags.

Said goodbye.

I didn't let him back for Two months during which time I proceeded in moving out of state like we had planned.

He Never called nor contacted her during this time or since.

She continued emailing me raging that if I chosen to do anything, H would have contacted her by now..

I finally allowed H to come back and attempt R.

He tried trashing her, minimizing, trickle truthing etc... I wouldn't have any of it.

When H finally took responsibility for His actions & behaviors, things began healing.

To this day, H states he had the perfect (w/in reason) M, beautiful W, and there was nothing Wrong w/us or M.

He says it was him. He was broken. He wanted to see if he "still had it". He couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge his nastiness as he vehenemtly bashes cheaters and he had become what he despises.

It came down to H taking out a RO against angry exOW to leave me alone....

I truly hope she has found peace*

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Wow CIH! You really had no idea until she emailed you 1 1/2 years later? That is amazing!

 

I have stated before my situation. My xom and I had known each other for at least 15 years. After finally confessing our mutual attraction for each other we realized we had felt that way for the entire time, just repressed it and never acted on it. I would say the "flirting" went on for a few years prior to the actual affair. Weirdly enough his wife had been reading our emails for about 1 1/2 years prior to anything happening at all - way prior to any acknowledgement of our feelings for each other. When that happened, things snowballed and it was just a couple of months before things became physical. After that, it was probably a month before the fist d-day when she discovered and email where he told me he loved me and she confronted him. She did not want anyone to know - she was afraid of the damage that would be done to the church, the families, our friends,etc. - we were so entwined. But I think she was also very embarrassed and didn't want anyone to know for that reason. She knew how much we loved each other and somehow felt like we were connected for a reason (her words). In reality I think she was scared she would lose him.

 

Anyway, we tried so had to go back to how things were and be friends. But it wasn't long until we were back "in it" again. They would come to our house often, we went out as couples, etc. The three of us had this secret between us.

 

The 2nd dday was four months later when my husband discovered some stuff on my computer. He was angry obviously. My xom was out of town on business. He immediately called his wife and they met. My husband told my daughters and then started saying he was going to commit suicide (this would be a theme later which the was just a ploy really and he eventually quit saying it ) and this upset my daughter so much she called the associate pastor so that's when the church got involved. They decided within days to read our names before the church and it was a public humiliation before the church and the community. It would later come back to bite the pastors in the rear end because they to,d the church they had the districts backing to do it and the district knew nothing about what they were intending to do and did not back this at all. Anyway, the pastors eventually lost their jobs because of their handling of the situation.

 

it had been a very long and very public road to recovery and its not over yet.

[Goodbye]

Good morning goodbye* (I just like writing that*)

So, my H's A was probably a total of three to four months long, if you factor in the chemical attraction and the leading up to as well as him letting her down gently under the guise of remaining friends, it was about a year/year and a half.

The dance leading up was about six weeks so it had been over (in H's eyes) for over a year. When she emailed me.

It was anonymous email. Out of Nowhere for me and I was sitting by the pool while H ran to store.

Wow. I'm shaking w/the memory.

I responded to miss anonymous. "You're funny. Who Is this? Lol*" then she responded, it's no joke just thought you should know what kind of man you're M to...

I asked for substantiated proof & that's when she forwarded a couple emails from her personal account and didn't delete her name.

She went off w/a vengeance about so many so did tawdry things my mind was spinning and my stomach churning. She was clearly very angry and told me she new he had played her.

I forgave her and wrote her so then wished her peace in her future.

This apparently enraged her. She continued emailing me awful things and began attacking Me!!?!

I again thanked her for the information and told her I would take things from here. She kept asking what I was going to do and I stated one last time that I would take it from here. I honestly had everything I needed.

H came home.I showed him the Emails.

Packed his bags.

Said goodbye.

I didn't let him back for Two months during which time I proceeded in moving out of state like we had planned.

He Never called nor contacted her during this time or since.

She continued emailing me raging that if I chosen to do anything, H would have contacted her by now..

I finally allowed H to come back and attempt R.

He tried trashing her, minimizing, trickle truthing etc... I wouldn't have any of it.

When H finally took responsibility for His actions & behaviors, things began healing.

To this day, H states he had the perfect (w/in reason) M, beautiful W, and there was nothing Wrong w/us or M.

He says it was him. He was broken. He wanted to see if he "still had it". He couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge his nastiness as he vehenemtly bashes cheaters and he had become what he despises.

It came down to H taking out a RO against angry exOW to leave me alone....

I truly hope she has found peace*

 

 

Thanks CIH. The fOW seems to have gone of the deep end in the process. Still, you were with your H a long time before the anonymous email. You didn't suspect anything? Are you ultimately glad that you received the email...despite the fOW becoming a crazy pest?

[So happy together]

Good morning goodbye* (I just like writing that*)

So, my H's A was probably a total of three to four months long, if you factor in the chemical attraction and the leading up to as well as him letting her down gently under the guise of remaining friends, it was about a year/year and a half.

The dance leading up was about six weeks so it had been over (in H's eyes) for over a year. When she emailed me.

It was anonymous email. Out of Nowhere for me and I was sitting by the pool while H ran to store.

Wow. I'm shaking w/the memory.

I responded to miss anonymous. "You're funny. Who Is this? Lol*" then she responded, it's no joke just thought you should know what kind of man you're M to...

I asked for substantiated proof & that's when she forwarded a couple emails from her personal account and didn't delete her name.

She went off w/a vengeance about so many so did tawdry things my mind was spinning and my stomach churning. She was clearly very angry and told me she new he had played her.

I forgave her and wrote her so then wished her peace in her future.

This apparently enraged her. She continued emailing me awful things and began attacking Me!!?!

I again thanked her for the information and told her I would take things from here. She kept asking what I was going to do and I stated one last time that I would take it from here. I honestly had everything I needed.

H came home.I showed him the Emails.

Packed his bags.

Said goodbye.

I didn't let him back for Two months during which time I proceeded in moving out of state like we had planned.

He Never called nor contacted her during this time or since.

She continued emailing me raging that if I chosen to do anything, H would have contacted her by now..

I finally allowed H to come back and attempt R.

He tried trashing her, minimizing, trickle truthing etc... I wouldn't have any of it.

When H finally took responsibility for His actions & behaviors, things began healing.

To this day, H states he had the perfect (w/in reason) M, beautiful W, and there was nothing Wrong w/us or M.

He says it was him. He was broken. He wanted to see if he "still had it". He couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge his nastiness as he vehenemtly bashes cheaters and he had become what he despises.

It came down to H taking out a RO against angry exOW to leave me alone....

I truly hope she has found peace*

 

 

Jesus. Is this common? I'm telling you, I'm pretty new here and know a little of your back story but I didn't know it was this crazy. Why would she behave this way? I could see her being upset at him, feeling played etc. But why the anger toward you? I honestly do not understand this behavior at all and I'm sorry you had to go through it. I'm telling you right now that if my bf ever decided to end our R for whatever reason, even if it was to return to stbxw, I would NEVER behave this way. I do believe that there has to be a problem in the marriage (even if it is a broken husband) for there to be an affair. But I do not personally blame Bs's. I've tried to explain this in the past and it always comes out wrong... but no matter how good or bad your marriage is, there is NO reason to turn into a bunny boiler. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[So happy together]

Wow CIH! You really had no idea until she emailed you 1 1/2 years later? That is amazing!

 

I have stated before my situation. My xom and I had known each other for at least 15 years. After finally confessing our mutual attraction for each other we realized we had felt that way for the entire time, just repressed it and never acted on it. I would say the "flirting" went on for a few years prior to the actual affair. Weirdly enough his wife had been reading our emails for about 1 1/2 years prior to anything happening at all - way prior to any acknowledgement of our feelings for each other. When that happened, things snowballed and it was just a couple of months before things became physical. After that, it was probably a month before the fist d-day when she discovered and email where he told me he loved me and she confronted him. She did not want anyone to know - she was afraid of the damage that would be done to the church, the families, our friends,etc. - we were so entwined. But I think she was also very embarrassed and didn't want anyone to know for that reason. She knew how much we loved each other and somehow felt like we were connected for a reason (her words). In reality I think she was scared she would lose him.

 

Anyway, we tried so had to go back to how things were and be friends. But it wasn't long until we were back "in it" again. They would come to our house often, we went out as couples, etc. The three of us had this secret between us.

 

The 2nd dday was four months later when my husband discovered some stuff on my computer. He was angry obviously. My xom was out of town on business. He immediately called his wife and they met. My husband told my daughters and then started saying he was going to commit suicide (this would be a theme later which the was just a ploy really and he eventually quit saying it ) and this upset my daughter so much she called the associate pastor so that's when the church got involved. They decided within days to read our names before the church and it was a public humiliation before the church and the community. It would later come back to bite the pastors in the rear end because they to,d the church they had the districts backing to do it and the district knew nothing about what they were intending to do and did not back this at all. Anyway, the pastors eventually lost their jobs because of their handling of the situation.

 

it had been a very long and very public road to recovery and its not over yet.

 

My bf's wife has yet to tell anyone anything about the A and her stbxh leaving because she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to know. My bf has told his priest, his friends, his fam, everyone. I can't imagine having your names read in church. How awful!

[ComingInHot]

I KNOW right?!!?

Talk about feeling stupid!!

I honestly had No clue. My husband was a master manipulater and had anger issues. I had allowed him to subtley train me to not question anything. During his A, he raged at me for everything, to distract me from what he was "really" doing.

He was/is jealous of attention men give which I Never invite or reciprocate because I Am Married and I Adored my H!!

We worked together, play together, travel together.

When he took over the finances for my Company, it was during his A, that he suddenly had to work late.

 

There was only ONE time I questioned his behavior w/her and that was when she had to come back one lat time to work on tech stuff during the day.

My employees approached me stating they were uncomfortable.

One woman said, "better kept an eye on your hubby and exOW..."

 

ExOW was disrespectful and rude to me that day and I just thought she was not a nice person. Then I saw them standing hip to hip and I knew why the employees were uncomfortable...

 

When I explained how he was making everyone feel, he went off the hook! Spouting things like, "it's my company, I'm in charge, if they don't like it they can quit, I'll do what I please..."!!!

I simply told him that the shareholders would have No problem voting him out of the company and I reused to have her back in MY Company.

That was the last of it I never saw her again and shortly after H's rages diminished.

 

A year later, she emailed me.

 

I TRUSTED. My H. I didn't think it would be a bad thing to do. It has taken three years since she emailed me to get to a point of Trusting my H again.

I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone*

[So happy together]

Your post makes no sense. You have shown nothing but anger for your bfs BS. You've called her names, called her a drunk, said she was a poor mother, bagged on her housekeeping and cooking skills, etc. you've shown zero compassion for this woman, and your posts have been full of vitriol. And yet, you don't get how the OW in CIH's situation could go all whack? Really? You got your prize of a man, yet that's exactly how you're behaving.

 

I don't have anger toward her as a person, it's how she treated and continues to treat my bf. I would never call her, I would never send emails, I stay out of her way. She is an alcoholic and I of course do not trust her. She has done things that were and are ridiculous, but I can't imagine ME acting that way toward her. And I think it's crazy that CIH should have to deal with someone like that. If anything, I have compassion for CIH because whether I am OW or BS I am dealing with someone who has no grip on reality. . And you're right, I don't have much compassion for her, as she refuses any sort of help.

 

But, back to you CIH, I do mean it, I'm sorry you were treated that way. That anyone is treated that way.

[ComingInHot]

so happy, I appreciate your kind words.

I tell my story, not because I got one of the nuttier OW's, but because I feel it's important for all parties engaging in an A to see the pain and destruction they incur.

 

My dolt of a H, to get his rocks of, Really hurt this OW. He lied to her to see if he could "get some young and strange". He Never told her he loved her But he did tell her he was leaving me and his family. She chose to believe that and count on that.

I don't know if she was always "crazy" or if the A made her that way. She was however, from what she told me, used to Always getting what she wants. Maybe this thinking fed her anger and rage. I don't know. But it was my H's lies and her accepting and wanting him and what he "told" he had and was, that lead AL of us and many others to this awful place.

 

A's can be exciting. Heartbreaking. Painful. And sometimes deadly. But to me they are ALWAYS Wrong.

And now some of you who wonder at my posts and comments know why.

 

I just want everyone who comes here to truly see a side of the coin that may have been described differently to you by MM/MW.

Nobody should have to be party to this and my story helps Anyone regardless of position from heartbreak then I will feel my pain turned to good*

[ComingInHot]

paperangle, I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine hearing those words out of a spouse as first heard...

You two are attempting to R, right?

 

I hope you don't mnd me asking but in light of trying Really hard to stay on topic* Did you suspect an A when he said the dreaded, "we need to talk" phrase.

 

I ask because I was hit right out of left field w/the news.

Again naive, trusting, stupid W that I Was.

[seren]

Mine told me, I had absolutely no idea, I thought he was stressed because of work, had asked if there was anyone else, if he wanted to leave and was told no, that I was still loved, he was acting totally out of character, but him having an A was so not on my radar. I have told my backstory so many times, he had combat stress after 2 very bad experiences in Iraq, the A was a symptom of this.

 

The OW called my house pretending to be from military and said that my H was dead. For about 5 heart stopping minutes I believed her, my son was in the room and thought his dad was dead, then I wised up and realised that this isn't how these things are done. For that, more than anything and all the other crazy stuff, for that I would have gladly killed her. Even now, some 6 years later, 2 house moves and an ex directory number she still uses her job to find us and makes odd phone calls, well she did until last month when we finally went to the police and her employers. It's far more common than people think.

[ComingInHot]

Moved to general discussion? Huh. I'm going to check out what encompasses "general discussion"??

General Discussion, to me, means, "hey I need support on how I get my dog to pee outside" or, "I'm doing some good cooking tonight" or "funniest yo mama jokes"...

Eh, oh well.

[ComingInHot]

paperangle,

I hear you*

I don't think there is Any better/worse way to find out your H is cheating...

I know it's only been one year but I hope you're doing well

[underwater2010]

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