He loves me, so he must dump me...also, he's polyamorous??

[SilverLining]

I started seeing this guy, after a long period of loneliness. When we met, he was all nerves and said he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. I liked him, so we started hanging out. We are both very intense and affectionate, and it was crazy for awhile - we couldn't stop kissing each other, holding each other...after having so little for so long, and a string of relationships where I wasn't so attracted to the other person, it was incredible. We were so alike on so many points, and really enjoyed each other's company.

 

Then, he tells me that he loves me. And because of that he's been conflicted, because he now realizes that it has been too soon since he left his wife, and he isn't ready for a relationship and needs to be alone for a long time to deal with his own, personal issues. He tells me I am wonderful and he has deep feelings for me, which is why he needs to pull back as he is not ready for the type of relationship he wants to have with me. Most unfortunate for me, as I realize that I love him in return, and that he is the first person I have loved since my heart was broken 5 years ago.

 

THEN, he tells me that he doesn't think he could ever make me happy, as he is polyamorous and doesn't think he can be monogamous. AND, he wants to either just be platonic friends, or maintain a close, affectionate relationship - preferably including sex, though he imposes no restrictions on me and if I am not comfortable, he will just be my friend, but that he doesn't want to lose me. And in all of that, he maintains that he does love me.

 

I am hurt, offended, feel misled, and angry. I have no one to talk to about this, and I can't concentrate on anything.

[siankat]

He probably wanted what you wanted but has a greater need for something else. Listen hun, a friend of mine fell crazily madly obsessedly in love with a woman. This guy is charismatic, independent etc had choices. He was mad for her. Moved to be with her, had kids together, but...BUT...this guy does not believe in monogamy. He was always in his heart the pursuer as he was more into her than she him but he still had dalliances with other women and hoped that if she did the same, she was safe and enjoyed herself. They never spoke about it to my knowledge. He wasn't jealous.

 

I'm saying that despite feelings, people make choices about what they feel they need and although it hurts like a m*****f***** for you because you are ready for something else, it is not a reflection on you. His desires in this area are different to yours and it doesn't mean you are not enough for a man. It means more likely that no one woman is enough for this guy. As you know there are men who are not like this and im sorry you haven't found one yet. I think a lot of the hurt comes from rejection but as long as you know u were not rejected because of something you did, know that you are a whole person and it's just very unfortunate you fell for someone, and someone you, where your values and ideals in this particular area do not match. The fact that he told you shows respect to you, and that is loving in itself. I'm sorry

[CarrieT]

My goodness, what a drama queen he is!

 

Sorry - sex as friends when you are already emotionally attracted to him?

 

Run, run, run away! This is a very toxic person and more troubles waiting to happen if you stay involved. I would avoid him at all costs as he will do nothing but pull you into his psyche-babble and them push you away.

 

You can't concentrate now? It is only going to get worse if you do *anything* but No Contact with this guy...

[avelonia2013]

My goodness, what a drama queen he is!

 

Sorry - sex as friends when you are already emotionally attracted to him?

 

Run, run, run away! This is a very toxic person and more troubles waiting to happen if you stay involved. I would avoid him at all costs as he will do nothing but pull you into his psyche-babble and them push you away.

 

You can't concentrate now? It is only going to get worse if you do *anything* but No Contact with this guy...

 

I totally agree with this. Run as fast as you can because otherwise you wil end up feeling tgotally manipulated by this guy. Go NC and grieve him out of your system. A person who cares about you will not put you through stuff like this. They would have been honest with you from the beginning so you could choose whether you want to continue or not. It's wrong to let someone develop feelings and THEN tell who you really are.