Jadedbyluv Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 So this goes beyond height and anything with physical traits. Say you begin talking to someone you met on an online dating site, and they're profile clearly states single. There are plenty of options including divorced. After meeting this person and going on a few dates, this person tells you that they are actually recently divorced. How would you feel? It honestly makes me feel like this guy isn't really ready to date if he can't own up to his divorce and he still has things to work on.
RedRobin Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) If you don't want to date men who are divorced, then just say so up front or ask the question before you agree to meet them. He's not married. The divorce is final. That makes him single. I know a woman who was married before and divorced. Her second husband died. She calls herself a widow... not a "divorcee who married again and is now a widow" Should she be calling herself 'divorced'? If she called herself single, is she obliged to tell strangers she meets online that she is both divorced AND a widow? I get it that people want to screen efficiently.. but there is no way around just asking questions and getting to know someone. Edited May 19, 2013 by RedRobin 2
Author Jadedbyluv Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 I have no problem dating a divorced man. But in creating an online profile, you can put if you divorced or not. I assumed that I didn't have to ask if he was married before until he brought it up. He also stated he was looking for a relationship on his profile but now since he is recently divorced, he is hesitant to get too involved. So I feel a bit misled from the get go. I do realize I could have asked more questions in the beginning.
sillyanswer Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I do realize I could have asked more questions in the beginning. How many dates have you been on? You mention "a few" earlier.
Author Jadedbyluv Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 He didn't mention the divorce until about two months of dating.
apple OR orange Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 a - lying by omission is a "hindsight" and you cant use hindsight to change the past (you would win the lottery "i wont the lottery as i omitted 2 numbers". so not saying something isn’t lying, not saying something is not telling you (so in fact the total opposite of lying). b. if he’s divorced then HES SINGLE! so both of the above tell me he was super honest, you just dont like his past, if you dont like it move on.
sillyanswer Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 He didn't mention the divorce until about two months of dating. Ok. So the hypothetical question from the first post of how I would feel... I'm not sure, sorry. It seems like it's just one of those things you find out early on in dating that if you don't like then you can stop dating, and part of the point of dating is to find out if you like the other person and want to spend more time together. If you don't like it, don't date him any more. or if, on balance, the other things that are good about him make it worth dating him, then keep dating him. I mean, presumably there are some good things since it's got as far as 2 months. If you split up over this, one thing to learn from it is that this is something you want to find out about a future partner much sooner so make sure to ask about it on an earlier date.
JuneJulySeptember Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 So this goes beyond height and anything with physical traits. Say you begin talking to someone you met on an online dating site, and they're profile clearly states single. There are plenty of options including divorced. After meeting this person and going on a few dates, this person tells you that they are actually recently divorced. How would you feel? It honestly makes me feel like this guy isn't really ready to date if he can't own up to his divorce and he still has things to work on. Wouldn't be a big deal to me because divorce is not a big deal. Why is it to you? It's just like a big breakup. If she didn't let on that she had kids until the 3rd date or something, that'd be kinda bad, but I still might roll with it.
carhill Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 If 'divorced' is the same as 'single', then everyone who is single is single and there's no need for having a 'divorced' choice. However, when one checks the divorce records of one's jurisdiction, 'single' is nowhere to be found in those records. If one is divorced, one is divorced and the 'marriage ends on <date> is clearly recorded in the records. Also, 'divorced' is listed as a choice on many governmental documents, separating it from 'single' or 'never married' Ideally, 'single' on dating sites should be changed to 'never married', with 'divorced' continuing as a choice to indicate one's marriage or marriages has ended legally. As far as 'lying by omission', people do it all the time, whether about social standing, marital status, job, income, sexual history, whatever. If it's a deal breaker after two months of dating to find out a dating partner is 'recently divorced' rather than 'single', it is. When I was dating while separated, I checked the 'divorced' box, since our divorce had begun, and indicated I was separated in my profile. Did that limit responses due to not lying by omission? Probably. People do what they do. Good luck.
RedRobin Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) He didn't mention the divorce until about two months of dating. Ah... now THAT is a problem. Two months is a long time to not share critical details about one's dating life. I usually ask about someone's relationship history pretty early. Not explicit details, but length of relationship, how long they've been broken up, etc. If at that point they don't share important details, then yea, I see how you'd be upset by his failure to mention it. I drop kicked a guy because he told me he was divorced... but then I found out after a few dates that his divorce wasn't final. He then later claimed since they were living in separate houses and that the paperwork had been *filed* that it was the same thing. Nope. Not hardly. That's the same thing as saying one has a driver's license learner permit but doesn't have the real driver's license yet... and still wants to drive your car. Big difference. I've seen too many people go back to their spouses before the divorce is final. ...but back to your concerns.... yes, after dating for awhile, you'll learn what key questions are most important to you and ask those up front. Not to worry. Edited May 19, 2013 by RedRobin
KathyM Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I think lying and misrepresenting yourself on dating profiles is unfair to prospective dating partners who are relying on that information in order to decide to invest time into getting to know you. I think it shows a deceptive spirit and lack of confidence, and a tendency to be manipulative. So I'd be definitely turned off by a person who misrepresented his marital/divorce/relationship status.
RedRobin Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I think lying and misrepresenting yourself on dating profiles is unfair to prospective dating partners who are relying on that information in order to decide to invest time into getting to know you. I think it shows a deceptive spirit and lack of confidence, and a tendency to be manipulative. So I'd be definitely turned off by a person who misrepresented his marital/divorce/relationship status. I agree, but I'm guessing a lot of people on dating sites aren't really there to find a lasting relationship. They are there to play the relationship lottery and hoping to find something there they can't get IRL. Hence why they fudge. As long as people don't take it too seriously, they will survive. I long stopped using anything online as a serious tool to meet someone for an actual relationship.
sillyanswer Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 At least one popular free dating site doesn't have an option for "divorced". It does have options for "Single", "Married", and I think the third option is "Seeing someone". No option for Separated either (and I know some will say that's the same as Married, but it's an option on the other popular free dating site). I think I would take the view that Divorced is now Single, but I'd still like to know if a single person I was dating used to be married.
carhill Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) I don't do OLD but, if I were presented with the options of 'single' or 'married', I'd select single and reference my marriage in my profile likely describing it as 'I was married for ten years and we divorced about 3 years ago'. Here's an example of such an inquiry I made, back while separated: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/215832-married-separated-divorced Edited May 19, 2013 by carhill
Author Jadedbyluv Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 It has nothing to do with him being divorced. I was in a fairly serious relationship. After it ended, I was in no place to start dating. Actually this guy was the first guy, I've dated since my ex. I realized the need to focus on myself before I put myself into another relationship. So I guess my concern is why rush into online dating if you aren't ready? If you have to omit the fact you weren't married before should show you aren't really ready. It is still too new especially if it is only a year ago. I'm sure someone might feel like they're ready but when you call it baggage, you aren't ready. I feel a bit misled because I was really ready to meet someone new after not dating someone for almost 3 years and to find out this guy isnt really ready for a relationship after his divorce. I mean he actually might be, he might just not be ready for something with me.
RedRobin Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 It has nothing to do with him being divorced. I was in a fairly serious relationship. After it ended, I was in no place to start dating. Actually this guy was the first guy, I've dated since my ex. I realized the need to focus on myself before I put myself into another relationship. So I guess my concern is why rush into online dating if you aren't ready? If you have to omit the fact you weren't married before should show you aren't really ready. It is still too new especially if it is only a year ago. I'm sure someone might feel like they're ready but when you call it baggage, you aren't ready. I feel a bit misled because I was really ready to meet someone new after not dating someone for almost 3 years and to find out this guy isnt really ready for a relationship after his divorce. I mean he actually might be, he might just not be ready for something with me. I really need to tell you... that this guy (in one form or another) make up the majority of guys online. Most of them are there to sow their oats after a divorce, and using the anonymity of the internet to do that. I'd really recommend you don't use OLD as your primary way to meet people. It will really mess with your head. A lot of truly messed up people there. Seriously. Keep it as a last option.
Author Jadedbyluv Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 I really need to tell you... that this guy (in one form or another) make up the majority of guys online. Most of them are there to sow their oats after a divorce, and using the anonymity of the internet to do that. I'd really recommend you don't use OLD as your primary way to meet people. It will really mess with your head. A lot of truly messed up people there. Seriously. Keep it as a last option. I'm from a small state. Not a great selection of guys. I thought I would give it a try. I didn't stay on it for long. I thought there was potential with him. But yeah OLD was not for me.
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 It is for people who want to put the time and effort into dating and who will even make sacrifices. naah... it's for multi-daters, 'love' addicts, people in emotional transition, and dishonest people hiding from the filters that solid social networks IRL sort out. That said, I do have an open profile myself... but I'd never use it for dating. Ever.
edgygirl Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I always put myself as single although I was divorced. I just didn't want to remember my ex every single time I was trying to meet someone new, ugh. I had no problem whatsoever disclosing the info very soon. But I didn't have children from the marriage and honestly what I wanted most was to forget it. Give him a break, that's not really lying. 1
PogoStick Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 So I guess my concern is why rush into online dating if you aren't ready? If you have to omit the fact you weren't married before should show you aren't really ready. Says the girl who needed 3 years away from dating, with a nick like Jadedbyluv! It shows sweetie. Who are you to decide how long someone else needs to sit out after a divorce? Who says someone must disclose a past marriage, or any other relationship for that matter?
Author Jadedbyluv Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Says the girl who needed 3 years away from dating, with a nick like Jadedbyluv! It shows sweetie. Who are you to decide how long someone else needs to sit out after a divorce? Who says someone must disclose a past marriage, or any other relationship for that matter? Ouch. If you dated my ex, you might understand why. I'm not the person to decide, it is ultimately his decision. But if you are to have an honest relationship with someone, don't you think it's important to disclose those things?
RedRobin Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Real life doesn't filter those out much better. The biggest difference is the social dynamics of OLD are not the same as IRL. Women must become more active participants in dating than IRL. That's what causes most women to give up quickly. With the way OLD is set up it plays on your superficiality more causing people to get into more trouble. Sure it does... if you aren't dating strangers IRL. The social dynamics of 'dating' strangers is totally different than attempting to develop an intimate relationship with someone with ties to your real life. Real life has real stakes tied to it. I like that it tends to put a damper on the worst a-hole behavior... I do agree that OLD does play to one's superficiality. Another reason I don't use it for dating... just friends. Low stakes = no need to put on any appearances or even dig in that much to whatever baloney they are posting in their profile. Do they share similar interests as me? Do they have time to spend an afternoon doing something fun and aren't going to drag me into their day to day drama? That's all I care about. If I look at their pictures, it is just to see if they look friendly. That's it. And I look at their age range to make sure I'm in it and that they are open to making friends. That's it. Pretty low stress.
FitChick Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I don't know why people think that daters were more honest before online dating was invented. Married people lied, jobless people lied, alcoholics lied, "This is just a loaner. My Jag is in the shop." Just do your homework. 1
Eggplant Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I don't know why people think that daters were more honest before online dating was invented. Married people lied, jobless people lied, alcoholics lied, "This is just a loaner. My Jag is in the shop." Just do your homework. That's fair. And all of those lies are/were/have always been major red flags and deal breakers.
ChessPieceFace Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) Wouldn't be a big deal to me because divorce is not a big deal. Why is it to you? Why is it to me, let's see. Maybe because it indicates that if I'm serious with this person they are likely to divorce me as well? OP, divorced qualifies as single. However, you're right that it's not completely honest. I can see the reason someone would want to not broadcast it, to try to get their foot in the door before dropping the "I'm divorced" admission. But I think it's a bad decision for multiple reasons. One, it shows dishonesty, which when compounded with the fact that they are divorced, makes you wonder if the marriage problems were indeed their fault; two, they'll probably end up just wasting more of their time with people for whom "divorced" is a deal-breaker. For me, I think if a girl hid that she was divorced then admitted it after a few dates, it would be a major red flag. Not an immediate deal-breaker, but I'd be casting a wary eye over all of her words and actions up to that point. I'd have to really like her and trust her to move forward. I think it would be rude to ask every single guy "you're not divorced, are you??" Maybe just put something in your profile to the same effect, but phrased in a positive way. No phrasing is coming to mind right now. Edited May 20, 2013 by ChessPieceFace
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