Being honest.

May 20, 2013

Here's the link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/393427-really-need-advce-casual-hook-ups

Sorry, not quite sure how to link here.

May 20, 2013

as much as u dont wanna hear the no contact thing..u must do it for get over this whole messy situation..'out of sight out of mind'..it helps..helped me..and sort of helping me right now..so yeah..thats that.

May 20, 2013

Guys.

I am leaving this thread.

Ugh, your going to kill me. I would be better off just leaving, but I want to be accountable for my actions.

I am not strong enough for NC right now. He rung.

I know I may be back in another few weeks if it does not work out with him.. I KNOW this.

I know the implications of what I am about to do.

I know I am going against all your advice at my own peril.

Don't kill me, I am only human. I am being VERY HONEST by coming on here to document my steps, which I will probably get terrible responses for, but I am doing because others can learn from my mistake. If this indeed, ends up being a mistake.

Others can learn from my mistakes if this is indeed, a mistake.

And I can be accountable, rather than just hiding until things go wrong.. I am TELLING you all that I am about to take a HUGE RISK. Before I go out and do it.

May 20, 2013

I am just hopelessly in love and he has rang me. He said he wants to be around me in the hope that he can see me making changes in my life; in the hope of a reconciliation.

He left for a reason, and I can see what I was doing wrong. I believe with therapy I can find ways to not only improve my life, but to not take my bad moods out on him.

We want to give it a last shot to see if there is hope for us.

I said: I do not want to hang around you if it is not aimed at a reconciliation.

He said we will hang out in the hope we can see if the situation is salvageable.

We went through a lot. We both have issues. We both need to space and more time apart to get our lives sorted.

Basically, I am putting myself at risk of experiencing the very worst pain, in the hope that there is still enough love there for us to reconcile.

I am giving if a couple of weeks.

There will be an obvious point where he is like " you know, I am very happy with you but I do not love you enough to be in a relationship with you"

He seemed adamant that he loves me enough and we had a good enough relationship to survive if we have more time apart, and sort through out issues.

....................................

And Metal chick - haha very funny about the casual sex thing. Um, I do not like sucking D*ck unless I really like the guy, basically.... which means I need to be casual with men I at least like as people.

I am not one of those girls who just loves sucking a guy off when she is not even that into the guy. Basically.

And yes I would return it - As I will only be casual with men who I am attracted enough to and like enough to do it to.

May 20, 2013

Guys.

I am leaving this thread.

Ugh, your going to kill me. I would be better off just leaving, but I want to be accountable for my actions.

I am not strong enough for NC right now. He rung.

I know I may be back in another few weeks if it does not work out with him.. I KNOW this.

I know the implications of what I am about to do.

I know I am going against all your advice at my own peril.

Don't kill me, I am only human. I am being VERY HONEST by coming on here to document my steps, which I will probably get terrible responses for, but I am doing because others can learn from my mistake. If this indeed, ends up being a mistake.

Others can learn from my mistakes if this is indeed, a mistake.

And I can be accountable, rather than just hiding until things go wrong.. I am TELLING you all that I am about to take a HUGE RISK. Before I go out and do it.

Stop being dramatic. Nobody is going to kill you. We've all broken down and done what you're going to do in previous breakups. Well most of us.

Do you think if my ex called me tonight and asked me to come over that I wouldn't? Giiiirl, I probably would. Although, he won't. I can dream though. And know I shouldn't.

We're just trying to help build you up and you just keep taking it as a personal attack.

You're gonna do what you're gonna do.. Just own it. Stop spouting about NC. Tell us you're having a hard time. Tell us you're going to respond every time he calls you.

It's okay. But at least be HONEST about it.

I think most of us feel sorry for you. Because we know how this is going to go.

But we'll be here when you stumble.

May 20, 2013

Good point. It's not the failing at NC that sucks, it's the pretending that you believe in it and want to use it, when you don't.

If it's not for you, it's not for you. But I can probably predict with a fair degree of certainty, that this is going to be messy.

*sigh* Yup, that.

Can I call my ex now?

May 20, 2013

aisuru, if I can't contact xMM, you can't contact yours. Misery loves company.

Sadist.

It's a good thing probably that I just popped a sleeping pill. Or I'd pull a McGriff right about now. Cause I've been writing that drunk email in my head all weekend.

May 20, 2013

Don't do it! NC is power!

Go to bed. :-)

I'm not ready for bed. I'm also not ready to contact him, the turdlette he is.

May 20, 2013

Blergh! I have been reading this train wreck almost all day. I was going to advise Leigh to get a life and stop being so dramatic and ridiculous and then realized that I should probably move out of my glass house first! I think I should probably stick to the posts where people actually seem to have some common sense and just want a sounding board for making the right decisions.

Ugh, I sound like a jerk, but sometimes I get really frustrated when people don't seem to get it.

May 20, 2013

Well, that's something at least.

Oh Leigh... she's in for a hard fall... *shakes head*

Yah, I worry about that one. As much as I want to shake her.

She's gonna have to learn the tough way. And we have to accept she may never learn. She may just move from one unhealthy relationship to the next unhealthy relationship. That is just how some people keep it together.

Been there, done that.

May 20, 2013

Blergh! I have been reading this train wreck almost all day. I was going to advise Leigh to get a life and stop being so dramatic and ridiculous and then realized that I should probably move out of my glass house first! I think I should probably stick to the posts where people actually seem to have some common sense and just want a sounding board for making the right decisions.

Ugh, I sound like a jerk, but sometimes I get really frustrated when people don't seem to get it.

If you'd like, I can start a new thread. You can beat me up and I will listen.

May 20, 2013

Oh look, somebody finally posted to my own long ass break up story. We can take the party there.

May 20, 2013

I have been through the major pain; losing my life with him.

I have nothing to lose here. I will just be back to NC with the clarity of KNOWING that he ended up realising that yes he wanted to move on for ever, and he did not in fact, have enough love to stay with me after all.

There was so much love there between us that we want to by loyal to each other, while we work on our own issues, in the hope that time apart and spending a lot of time on ourselves, will enable us to see if we should say goodbye forever.

We want to see if we can both work through our issues together, rather than definitely breaking up for ever.

I have nothing to lose here. Just a few weeks of seeing if there is anything worth pursing again. I am not going to have any pre conceived ideas.

We just want to be loyal to each other and be around each other until we both FEEL for certain that we do not have a love that is worth fighting for.

He will realise if hey, I Just don't have enough love for her and I want to just be on my own.

I WILL be back here, and I will either be on the " post here instead of contacting your EX thread"

Or, we will be together again.

............................................

Ugh. I KNOW I suck. I am prepared to take a major risk for the life I had with a guy I so loved.

I Just want to see if he loved me the way I thought he did.

May 20, 2013

How can you have time apart to work on your issues if you're not going to have the time apart?

I still think you read too many romantic books/watch too many romantic movies. Real love isn't like this. It's not like pulling teeth.

Which reminds me, I haven't watched my boyfriend in The Notebook in awhile. Might be time to pull that out.

May 20, 2013

Yah, I worry about that one. As much as I want to shake her.

She's gonna have to learn the tough way. And we have to accept she may never learn. She may just move from one unhealthy relationship to the next unhealthy relationship. That is just how some people keep it together.

Been there, done that.

No.

Yes I run the risk of keeping feelings for a man who moves on from me and loses his.

But no, I will not be engaging in any unhealthy practices within any new relationship.

I will work on my own life just he way I would if I was single; I will honestly try my best in my OWN life, and never again will I reply on my partner to be the main source of .... self worth and happiness.

I always new I NEEDED to change when I was with him; he just gave me the kick up the @ss I needed to realise that I can NEVER maintain a healthy relationship being the way I am.

We will not just go back to living together every night, to being together.

We want to just see how I go about changing my life, and see if we CAN indeed be together in a healthy way.

That is why he LEFT: he did not see that I could make the relationship healthy unless I changed.

..................................

Make no mistake. I will not be engaging in an unhealthy relationship again; if I cannot be in a healthy relationship, he has no interest in welcoming me back.

I abandoned my life with Andrew, and as a result, I took my own dissatisfaction with my own life, out on him; we BOTH depended WAY too much on each other.

May 20, 2013

How can you have time apart to work on your issues if you're not going to have the time apart?

I still think you read too many romantic books/watch too many romantic movies. Real love isn't like this. It's not like pulling teeth.

Look, what I am doing is probably not going to work, but I love him enough to take the risk.

More than likely, that love he had for me and the love we had that I PERCIEVED to be just like in the romantic movies, is in fact, NOT; there is a good chance that he will realise that hey I really loved her, but I am not IN love with her anymore necessarily...

Your right, I'm wrong, I know it must be frustrating to watch me set myself up to be disappointed.

Seriously, your are right, I shouldn't be doing what I am about to do. The statistics are LOWWWW and are NOT in my favour.

.....................................................

Just humour me though, these are the reasons WHY I have a tiny, insy bit of hope, as does he:

- Outside of our issues, the actual relationship was secure and loving, and made us very happy.

- Besides his stupid hooker addiction, he honestly did not have eyes for other women and he went from his partying ways to being happy at the thought of just having me for life (I DID read his journal)

- We never lost that " elated" feeling you get when you see each other after you get home from work

- We were always really happy to wake up to each other and we did not think to ourselves " maybe there's something more out there". There was no place he would have rather been. He told me often.

- We were extremely close, as people; never before have we been able to be this comfortable around another person

- We had a lot of fun and genuinely made each other laugh a lot, and we both liked to laugh every day.

....................................

reasons for it not to work:

- He may not realise it yet, but by letting me go, he may have realised that no matter how awesome and issue free our time is together, he just lacks the love and determination to have me back

- I may, even with the therapy and a lot more time away from him (only seeing him twice or so a week), that I may not be able to change enough

- He may not be able to change enough

May 20, 2013

Lol I can actually laugh along with you guys on this one...... I am in love though, let me make mistakes and learn from them, darn it!

For starters, I am not stupid ( not ALWAYS). Listen... I am not going to do the same things I was DOING whilst with him, that made him leave.

Doing what I once did will only achieve the same results.

Look, a reconciliation will take time and effort, on both parties and with therapy.

It comes down to if he loves me enough to try to have a healthier relationship with me.

I will need to EXTENSIVELY work with my therapist next week and have WEEKLY, not monthly, appointments to talk things through with her, and have her give me her input in how I can deal with what is going on around me in life.

We cannot just live together again and see each other daily. We need to embrace our freedom and space

He needs to see if he feels the same way about me when we embark on this period of " testing the waters"

He may not miss me the same way once we live apart; he may not feel the way he once did, when if we skipped a few days we would miss each other and look SO forward to just being with each other again.

May 20, 2013

I guess I have some reasons for thinking that he still loves me enough to want a relationship again, providing we both make the necessary changes.

I am probably wrong as you all tell me.

I will be back in a few weeks to tell you how it all goes.

The worst that could happen is: he realises he just wants to stay friends with me, in which case NC will start, as I will know he will never love me enough to have a relationship with me again.

May 20, 2013

Lol I can actually laugh along with you guys on this one...... I am in love though, let me make mistakes and learn from them, darn it!

For starters, I am not stupid ( not ALWAYS). Listen... I am not going to do the same things I was DOING whilst with him, that made him leave.

Doing what I once did will only achieve the same results.

Look, a reconciliation will take time and effort, on both parties and with therapy.

It comes down to if he loves me enough to try to have a healthier relationship with me.

I will need to EXTENSIVELY work with my therapist next week and have WEEKLY, not monthly, appointments to talk things through with her, and have her give me her input in how I can deal with what is going on around me in life.

We cannot just live together again and see each other daily. We need to embrace our freedom and space

He needs to see if he feels the same way about me when we embark on this period of " testing the waters"

He may not miss me the same way once we live apart; he may not feel the way he once did, when if we skipped a few days we would miss each other and look SO forward to just being with each other again.

Is this what he told you?

May 20, 2013

Good point. It's not the failing at NC that sucks, it's the pretending that you believe in it and want to use it, when you don't.

If it's not for you, it's not for you. But I can probably predict with a fair degree of certainty, that this is going to be messy.

Ok then yes, like many of you before me, I am not ready for NC because I think we may have a shot at a good relationship.

I have failed, I am in contact with him now, in the hope that we will get a second chance.

There you go. It is likely it won't work and I will have to come and post on here again about him, as you all once did and some of you still do. About your exes and how much you want them back deep down, while also trying NC and trying your best.

..................................................

And look, Metal Girl, I honestly do not want it to be messy.

I CAN avoid a terrible end. It does not have to be ALL or nothing; either the WORST end, or you will be totally happy together.

I can MINIMISE the pain, but now throwing myself in whole heartedly. I am scared. I CAN'T just give him my whole heart. I am holding back. I realise the love is there for him, but I am not going to throw myself into a full on situation with him. We are just talking again, seeing each other again, and truly seeing if we are the people we both want to be with.

It does not have to be an all or nothing situation with the worst possible outcome: it does not have to end with him being like " hmm well, I don't love you anymore so hmmm I want to move on, but hey can we be friends"

When I fall more crazily in love with a man who loses feelings for me.

More likely, is if he cannot give all of himself to me like once before, I will sense that hmm well things are not working out, we are not coming closer together, this is not going to work. NC. I will cry again and only THEN start to grieve the loss of a person forever.

Honestly? I have still grieved to SOME extent. I mean, I am not RELYING on things to work out. I still am not convinced I have him back.

I know that I have it within myself to build myself and my life up enough so that I DO NOT hang around and hope for his calls.

I do not want to be desperate and hopeless that without him I am nothing and all my hope depends on when he calls me and wants to see me.

I genuinely WANT to start therapy and better myself and my life around me.

I am just not giving up 100% on him YET.

May 20, 2013

Stop making excuses and justfying yourself. If you're so sure you're doing the right thing, go do it.

In short, piss or get off the pot.

Oh. I know I am doing the right thing. FOR ME.

The funny thing is - I realise that doing what is right for me, is not always the best way to go. Sometimes you have to fall and make mistakes in order to move forward.

I just need to make sure though that our love really WASN'T worth saving. At one stage I truly thought we could have a great life together.

I guess I am doing what is right for me even though there is a huge risk involved.

May 20, 2013

I am really not trying to be rude but I think you should discuss the definition of insanity with your therapist.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You keep "trying to make it work" because "you both have this undefinable and undeniable love".

My response is that love is not enough when there are so many other problems.

But, you know what, I must be crazy too because here I am trying to convince you to do the right thing again, and expecting that this time maybe you will listen to reason, but knowing that it is going to have the same result as if I had turned my computer off and just finished reading that law book like I should have. Definition of insanity...........

May 20, 2013

I am really not trying to be rude but I think you should discuss the definition of insanity with your therapist.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You keep "trying to make it work" because "you both have this undefinable and undeniable love".

My response is that love is not enough when there are so many other problems.

But, you know what, I must be crazy too because here I am trying to convince you to do the right thing again, and expecting that this time maybe you will listen to reason, but knowing that it is going to have the same result as if I had turned my computer off and just finished reading that law book like I should have. Definition of insanity...........

Unfortunately, a therapist will never tell her she's crazy. Or that her actions are ridiculous.

Until, perhaps, she's ready to hear it after she hits rock bottom.

Therapists listen and provide survival techniques, but they do not tell you what to do or that you're doing is toxic to you. Well, at least not as directly as the OP needs.

Shame.

May 20, 2013

Lol, this one is good... he's done it before...

Here is what he has said:

- I do not want to just cut all contact and move on

- he would rather be around each other while we make changes to our lives so we can see if we end up together or not. He does not want to let go of all hope and move on yet.

- he says he had enough love to marry me and be with me for along time, hopefully forever; that he left because we had issue, not because our basic personalities and time together without issues was lacking

May 20, 2013

Leigh, you get extremely attached very quickly. You won't be able to 'hold your heart back'. You'll be all in.

You can't fall for a bloke who can't love you with his whole heart? Honey, that's exactly what you did. Even after he dumped you, you didn't stop loving him. You're letting your emotions rule your head. We all do that. But you're right, you have to work it out for yourself.

I bet the therapist is going to agree with a lot of what I and others have said. If he/she doesn't, then you're probably telling them some porkies.

The fact that he's convinced you that you're the problem in this relationship and he's not going to be with you until yo've sorted out your issues, shows how he's manipulated you. Did he promise to stop screwing hookers? Because I'd be extracting that promise before committing to anything. Along with regular STI tests for both of you...

STOP TALKING SENSE.

Seriously Leigh. You must feel absolutely nothing about yourself. This is so sad to watch.

Andrew is pretty damn good with his manipulation. Pretty soon, you'll be having 3somes with he and the hookers. And loving it. Cause you know, he loves you so much.

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