Being honest.

[Leigh 87]

And yes, we do need to seriously break up lol....

 

He is a typical idiot of a guy who assumed that HEY, ya know, we could be best friends and hang out and stay loyal to each other and then see what happens with us!

 

I am making a stand and saying HELL NO I WILL NOT be loyal and expect you to be loyal for months while we :hang out" and hug at night the way you want us to! He honestly wanted to hold hands, sleep together, and be extra close like we always were. Oh, just without the sex, cos we were " not together"

 

Frankly, I need NC to maintain my sanity; because in the likely event that he DOES end up just moving on to other women , rather than realise his undying love for me and coming back; I DO NOT want to know about it. NC is a real saviour to those who use it.......Ignorance is bliss.

 

Although I am SURE I will have gut feelings in the next month plus - feelings that yes my ex is sleeping with new people.

[Art_Critic]

A very wise LS'r used to use this phrase- " No new contacts = No new hurts"

 

Go NC and with time you will get over this...

Every time there is contact you get hurt all over again...

[Leigh 87]

Yay. I didn't have a nightmare about him last night. First night with no nightmares.

 

It still feels like I am waking up in a nightmare though...

 

AND NO he will NEVER be dead to me!

 

WTF - are you a sociopath with NO empathy , Metal chick?

 

If ANYTHING ever happened to Andrew I WOULD care!

 

If I ever hear he has turned into an alcoholic or that he is severely depressed and reallllly in trouble, I WOULD help him.

 

Look. For NOW yes I am shutting OFF my feelings about him - I am forcing myself to, when I think of him, to think of something else.

 

He WILL never be dead to me, I WILL always care about him on some level.

 

I think it is possible to move on with NC and not THINK about them; but I will NEVER stop caring entirely about another human being who was once the CLOSEST person to me.

 

TO me, that is fcked.

[Leigh 87]

A very wise LS'r used to use this phrase- " No new contacts = No new hurts"

 

Go NC and with time you will get over this...

Every time there is contact you get hurt all over again...

 

 

 

Yes. That is what he failed to understand... Every time I merely read his TEXTS, it gives me false hope that HEY he is thinking about me and is not going to move on anytime soon.

 

He would just be like " oh but I am not moving on anytime soon blablBLABLA"

 

The thing is, he knows where I live. It is likely that like 99.% of men before him in his position, he will be NO exception; he will NOT suddenly realise that he loves me too much to move on and will come back.

 

Any contact DOES set me back and give my false hope.

 

I wouldn't say it takes me back to the pain of the day he LEFT; rather, it just keeps me from moving ON, with could lead to a lot of pain if I am still stuck on him when he meets the new girl....

[Leigh 87]

Hang on.

 

I am NOT saying I want to contact Andrew.

 

I do NOT think that I can move on, while I have him in my life in ANY way.

 

I KNOW that even texting once a WEEK will stop me from moving on.

 

I am not an exception to the rule; I do not think he loves me so much that he will come back; I KNOW he will move on like 99% of men. It is highly unlikely that he felt the rare type of love for me that never dies, like you see in the notebook...

 

What I DO know is: I will NEVER get to the stage where I DO NOT care if he dies, or if something awful happens to him!

 

I can become indifferent to the romantic aspect, sure, I too have moved on from a 2.5 year relationship when I was younger. Even I know romantic feelings dissipate and die.

 

I CANNOT just stop caring about him 100%.

 

Sorry, but I care about every person I have ever met; I care if anything bad happens to them.

[Leigh 87]

If you are with someone every day for years, and they are the closest person to you, I DO NOT think that you would be totally uncaring if they died or became homeless alcoholics or if something terrible happened to them.

 

If I found out his father died, you can bet I will at LEAST send him a message of " I am so sorry, I am thinking of you"

 

I believe you can move on, whilst still caring about them one some level.

 

Obviously I will stop caring that " oh no, I am not there to comfort him when he gets home from a hard day at work"

 

I can feel that I am in the process of not caring about the things I once cared about. I can feel that dissipating a lot.

 

But yeah. I will never be the type of women who would not care about an ex I once madly loved, if he died, or even if his family member died.

 

I cannot go from him being EVERYTHING to me, to not caring if something terrible happened to him. I honestly think that is worrying if a person can do that.

 

Sorry but I won't be told that I will never get over him and move on, unless I stop caring about him to the extent to which, if he died, I would not care.

 

I know myself. I know I that with NC and time and meeting new guys, I will be over HIM, yet will still CARE about him.

[aisuru]

 

WTF - are you a sociopath with NO empathy , Metal chick?

 

 

I can't speak for Metal Chick, but I am. I have no heart.

[OwlSoul]

Leigh, are you mad? Oo

[Leigh 87]

But I am going to follow NC.

 

I am going to have zero contact with him.

 

I am going to kill the hope I have of him coming back, because every time it creeps into my mind (that he will come back) I will literally repeat to myself " life is not a fairy tale, he does not love you enough to just beg for you back, it NEVER happens, your NOT going to be the rare 1% exception to the rule"

 

After enough NC and months, it will be very apparent to me that yes he has moved on and has lost his love for me; otherwise he would be back. Which of course, is not going to happen.

 

He KNOWS that he is to NOT contact me, unless he realises that his love is so strong that he needs to re visit the relationship (rather than moving on)

 

If he contacts me it will be because he wants me back.

 

I know how it works - anything less than him clearly wanting me back BADLY, will not warrant a response from me.

 

....................

 

 

I will not ignore it if he realises that he loves me enough to want to be with me.

 

The thing is - HE WON'T, and therefore I will not HAVE to deal with it.

[Leigh 87]

What is wrong with, if they come back, giving them another chance?

 

It is not something I will have to deal wit though.

 

How am I not sticking to NC, if I would potentially take him back if he came back?

 

I cannot say, if he came back, I would say no.

 

I cannot answer that until it happens; which it won't.

 

I will not ignore his pleas if he does come back. Even if I do not want him back, I would at least answer with a " no, and we cannot be friends for a very long time either since you still have feelings for me"

 

I would probably take him back, yet after MONTHS of NC, I may very well change.

 

I do not think that being open to a second chance if they ask, is not going NC.

 

NC to me is moving forward without even entertaining the IDEA of them coming back.

 

I honestly don't think he will be back, because I am not the rare exception where the guy genuinely comes back because they want to be with YOU.

 

I cannot say what I would do if he were to come back though.

[aisuru]

Leigh, when was your last contact with Andrew?

[OwlSoul]

I am going to kill the hope I have of him coming back, because every time it creeps into my mind (that he will come back) I will literally repeat to myself " life is not a fairy tale, he does not love you enough to just beg for you back, it NEVER happens, your NOT going to be the rare 1% exception to the rule"

Da what? It will soud harsh, but exe do have feelings as well. Why do they must love us enough? Why do they have to change and realize something? Why it is always something wrong with then, rather than with dumpees? Where do you pick this 1% thing? Honestly, as far as I was reading the forum, the reconcilation chance is much higher than 1%.

 

As I said before, this is the reason why you're hurting so much. You have not decided yet, what you're up to. You're saying you want to move on. OK, I bought it. But you're saying that if the person will do this and this, you'll get with the person back? It's not how it works if you want to stop feeling the pain. Decide eventually. Either work on getting back together and trying to understand the person, rather than demand the world (yes, loving back is not something easy and simple)... or decide it is over, and nothing will change your mind.

[Leigh 87]

And to be fair - I am in a much better position than most girls who do not know about NC.

 

MOST girls, and myself included if I did not know about loveshack and therefore the NC rule... MOST girls in my position would accept his offer to hang out and be close with him still.

 

Most girls would listen to him when he said " lets hang out, be close and the same as usual, until I see you have stopped taking your issues out on me, in which case I will want to be with you again"

 

Because of loveshack and because I have enough intelligence to understand what a toxic scenario is: I have not accepted his offer, because I know that even if we were totally happy hanging out and he saw I was changing, he likely does not love me enough to want to be with me anyway; he would not have let me go if he truly loved me enough...

 

Most girls are worse off than me, if they do not know about NC, and they are still in love with their ex. Every girl I know in real life who is not clued into NC would hold onto ANY hope that their ex still loves them and wants them back...

Not only did I have an ex who SAID he still loved me and wanted me back, but I am choosing to walk AWAY from this, and do NC.

I can guarantee that most girls in my predicament would hang out with him and be around him like old times - what he wanted to do with me.

 

The fact I am going to FOLLOW total NC, unless he asks for me back, is putting me in a much better position than most.

 

At least I will not know what he heck is going on in his life when he moves on.

 

Where as a lot of people I know would still relish his texts and indulge in contact right until he moves on to someone else.

 

 

 

I will not know he is with someone else, because I will not have any ties to him.

[Leigh 87]

It's not about whether you'd take him back or not. It's about the fact that despite your very vehement protests, you entertain the idea of him coming back. You do! Look at yourself, analysing what would happen if he told you how much he loved you and couldn't live without you...

 

Shut it down!

 

 

Yes I still need to shut down the notion of him coming back.

 

Logically, in my HEAD I can clearly see he will not come back and I must not even ENTERTAIN the idea even a little.

 

In my HEART yes I am still not 100% sure.

 

I am seeing a therapist next week thank god, hopefully a professional can help me deal with my grief and help me .... develop strategies to HELP me move on without even thinking about " what if"

 

I will have to be strong in myself, but surely it will help to mourn a huge loss, with a professional who has dealt with other people who have dealt with pain and losses?

[Leigh 87]

Okay, well now we have understood that I will never stop caring about him totally, and I cannot predict what I WOULD say if he wanted me back.

 

Now what? I need to erase him from my mind, right? NC and I need to stop even thinking there is a possibility he will be back?

 

I feel I am about 60% accepting of the fact he will never be back. It is a LOT to deal with, hence why I am seeing a psychologist. I am having great difficulties in dealing with my loss.

 

For some reason my BODY will not.... totally accept it is 100% forever.

 

My HEAD does, trust me. I know he will not come back because it is so rare for it to happen.

[aisuru]

I say this in the most sincerest way possible.

 

You're stuck in a loop of writing posts here telling yourself everything you know people will tell you but that you don't truly believe, interspersed with these thoughts on what or how Andrew feels, hiding from the obvious pain that losing this relationship has put on you.

 

Somewhere, buried beneath all this denial and your refusal to believe it's over, you recognize this wasn't a good relationship and you might be better off without him.

 

You must accept it's over AND that you will be better off without him. Time to make yourself a better person. All your self worth is tied up in this person and it's like you don't know how to breathe or function without him.

 

I bet you have tried every darned way you could to maintain some contact with him out of desperation and fear in being alone. It's not Andrew you miss. You're afraid to be alone with yourself.

 

I really hope you find the answers for yourself. I hope you get lots of therapy and that your therapist doesn't allow you to dodge the real issues here.

[Leigh 87]

I do not feel like my BODY and my HEART can 100% let go of the notion of being with him, without a therapist.

 

I am letting go though slowly, I can feel that. I do think of life without him and it does not scare me as much as before.

 

I know I can do NC , as in the process of cutting contact.. When it comes to my heart and body letting go forever and dealing with that, I need a therapist, as it is too much pain for me to process on my own (and I run the risk of reaching out to him to come and hug me if the pain is too overwhelming)

 

I am just being honest: I do think of life without him, it does not scare me AS much as it once did, and I DO see myself very happy in the near future. I CAN envisage life without him and I know I have a lot to look forward to. The future is not dark and black; I am just experiencing immense pain over the loss, and I am having trouble 100% accepting it.

 

and mentally process the loss to SOME extent.. but my body is deeply, deeply in shock. It will not.... let go 100% of him. EVEN though I can look forward and accept it to SOME extent.

 

..... I seriously loved Andrew, and we were EXTREMELY close. It is MUCH MORE than fear of being alone... he was a best friend who I really enjoyed having in my life for HIM - I can do alone and I always have done before him. It is HIM I miss.

 

I can do alone, really. I just enjoyed HIM being a fixture. I was perpetually single before him! I hated the idea of having to share all my time with a person, because frankly, most people are not awesome enough to want to be around 24/7.

 

It is very lonely but the biggest thing my body is dealing with is living without HIM and all the little things that came with it.

[Leigh 87]

I will have to be strong in myself, but surely it will help to mourn a huge loss, with a professional who has dealt with other people who have dealt with pain and losses?

 

Of course it will. You need to go and see someone who will give you proper coping strategies on how to deal with the loss. You haven't begun to grieve Andrew yet, and you will need someone to speak to about that when the time comes. It will be like grieving someone that has died. But because you keep entertaining that he is 'alive' somewhat, you haven't grieved.

 

NC will trigger a grief process, and a professional is a good person to talk about that process.

 

 

 

I have began to grieve trust me. It does feel like someone has died. I have not really began in the sense that my body is not quiet 100% accepting that it is forever.

 

I have grieved the loss to a small extent. I DO already feel like someone has died and I will never get our time back.

[aisuru]

Yeah, but there will be more to come once you actually implement NC properly. You've said yourself you're not there yet. More work with NC will trigger more grief.

 

Which is why we've asked the last time you spoke/texted with him.

 

You are only damaging yourself. And sending a subliminal message to Andrew that he can treat you however he wants.

 

Do you want him to start to view you as those hookers that he loves so much? Cause rest assured, you continue to treat yourself so poorly in front of him, he'll put you at their level. I'm sorry to say.

[tbf]

This will be the first time I've ever advised anyone to do this but you're a special case, Leigh.

 

Go out. Find a hot guy. Have NSA sex.

[aisuru]

This will be the first time I've ever advised anyone to do this but you're a special case, Leigh.

 

Go out. Find a hot guy. Have NSA sex.

 

You might have missed her thread on the Dating section a couple days ago... Unfortunately, I don't believe she'll have just casual sex.

 

Though I admit I've wanted to tell her the same thing.

[tbf]

You might have missed her thread on the Dating section a couple days ago... Unfortunately, I don't believe she'll have just casual sex.

 

Though I admit I've wanted to tell her the same thing.

She's not ready for real dating but NSA sex might help her move forward, as long as she's clear with any partner that it's just sex.

[Leigh 87]

You might have missed her thread on the Dating section a couple days ago... Unfortunately, I don't believe she'll have just casual sex.

 

Though I admit I've wanted to tell her the same thing.

 

 

 

I have had casual sex for many years before Andrew as a Teen. I an shut off emotions when I have sex. I do need the guy to at least like me as a person of course.

 

It always worked for me for years.

 

I am not the type to catch feelings if I know the guy is not totally invested in me.

 

Besides, I still love ANDREW and will not be able to feel strong emotions for other guys for some time!

 

I Just want to casually have fun with men for the next year or so, I want to work on my own life for a good year or so before I let any other guy in.

[Leigh 87]

She's not ready for real dating but NSA sex might help her move forward, as long as she's clear with any partner that it's just sex.

 

 

Exactly.

 

I do not want to date because I cannot see myself falling for someone anytime soon.

 

However, there is no way I will go without sex and fun for a year or more.

 

I live my life to the fullest, and I enjoy being sexual a lot, and therefore I will have sex on a casual basis between my ex and the new partner in my life.

 

I am waiting until 2 months post break up. I will be travelling overseas in a young tour group.

 

I think I will enjoy myself by then if I stick to NC from now, and find a guy that can well, get me off and enjoy my body.

 

Trust me. I won't catch feelings when it is all about making me and him feel good, and when I am mourning the loss of a guy I will likely still love.

[aisuru]

Exactly.

 

I do not want to date because I cannot see myself falling for someone anytime soon.

 

However, there is no way I will go without sex and fun for a year or more.

 

I live my life to the fullest, and I enjoy being sexual a lot, and therefore I will have sex on a casual basis between my ex and the new partner in my life.

 

I am waiting until 2 months post break up. I will be travelling overseas in a young tour group.

 

I think I will enjoy myself by then if I stick to NC from now, and find a guy that can well, get me off and enjoy my body.

 

Trust me. I won't catch feelings when it is all about making me and him feel good, and when I am mourning the loss of a guy I will likely still love.

 

Why do I recall you saying on that thread you would allow everything but actual sex? Basically that you were okay with a guy getting you off, but you would not return the favor. And everybody then began to say that wasn't fair?

 

Am I remembering wrong? It's possible. I'm kind of old.