lyayers Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) I desparately need some sound advice (although I'm sure I know what people are going to say.) Here's my dillemma: I've been with my boyfriend for close to a year. He's great to me, kind, my best friend, so on and so forth. But there is one looming, black cloud hanging over our relationship, and we argue about it almost every night at ungodly hours of the morning. The issue is, he doesn't sleep in bed with me. This is a problem, since we both are different people with our own different sleeping patterns. I find comfort in having a warm body in bed with me. It doesn't even have to be his. Could be my best friend's. Even having a dog sleep next to me would be soothing enough. Reason being I have frightening nightmares (and yes, I already cut violent movies and games out of my life.) I wake up alone and, being half asleep still, freak out. He, on the other hand, can't stand to fall asleep beside me. He came up with every excuse under the sun. Said he has allergy problems. So I dropped $80 on an allergy-proof pillow and protector. Said it was him worrying about money problems, but now we are in the clear and aren't struggling at all. Then he said he needs a tv to make his eyes tired, so I put a tv in the bedroom (even though I'm firmly against it.) And he still falls asleep on the couch. He doesn't even make excuses anymore, and when I ask him to come to bed, he gets an attitude and refuses to come. It's the only time he acts like that. He doesn't listen when I tell him that watching tv before bed makes for restless sleep. And I'm trying not to be selfish in wanting someone I potentially am spending my life with to sleep in the same bed as me. But I don't know if I can deal with this. It's important to me, and I'm wondering if I made the right choice in partners since he doesn't seem to care about sleeping with me. Like I said, it's the only real issue we have, but it legitimately causes ME to lose sleep, knowing that he sleeps better without me beside him. He's going to see a doctor about his sleeping habits, but what do I do if he doesn't start sleeping in bed? Move into separate households? Break up with him? Edited May 19, 2013 by lyayers fixing
BustedUpInside Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I think the best question is "How important is this to you? Is it a deal breaker?" For example, if your boyfriend told you today that he wanted to spend his life with you and he loves you and wants to be with you but you have to sleep in separate beds for the rest of your relationship. Would you still want to be with him? If the answer is yes, then I think maybe you should just cut him some slack. It is only a big deal because you are making it one. Let him sleep on his own for awhile and see how it goes. Maybe you will see that it is not that bad either. Maybe you could enjoy some extra cuddle time before bed but just sleep apart. Don't make it about how he feels about you. It is not about you. He just feels more comfortable sleeping by himself. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want you, and it probably hurts his feelings that you can't just let him be who he is. On the other hand, if this really is a crucial part in your relationship you should let him know. If he won't even consider sleeping with you on a trial basis then that is something that you will have to discuss as part of the future of your relationship. 1
Author lyayers Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Maybe I did overreact last night, but I was really upset about an argument. Regardless, I know it's not solely about me. I know these are HIS sleeping habits, and the fact that I need a living being in the room with me to feel comfortable are different than his. I'm not trying to change him, but I'm not trying to change myself either. I just don't want something like this to be our downfall when there are ways of meeting in the middle. I just need some advice and ideas. I don't think this has much to do with his need to sleep alone as it does his addiction to tv. I know he doesn't rest well at night, even when he does sleep by himself. He is in front of a tv for most of the night, and I hear him wake up periodically throughout the night. It doesn't help that each time he wakes up, he snacks on sugary foods (poptarts, candy, cookies.) You really gave me something to think about. That's a good perspective to have. Could I see myself staying with him forever? Yes. Even if his sleeping habits don't change? Yes. It would just take a lot of stress off of the both of us if we could meet in the middle ground.
BustedUpInside Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I think you should tell him that. Take the pressure off by letting him know that no matter what you are going to stay by his side. Then ask if he would be willing to try an experiment. One where you sleep apart for a week straight, and then where you sleep together every night for a week straight. At the end see which works better. If you are still having problems after that you should have him go to a sleep clinic. I am sure he would listen more if a doctor told him his sleep problems came from TV and sugar. That way you could have some back up and he wouldn't need to question your motives. Good luck! I hope you guys are able to work something out where you both are comfortable
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