Seperated almost a year, she spent the night...

[missmyfamily]

Hi everybody, my wife and I have been seperated for almost a year, she cheated last march and we seperated after trying to work it out for a few months. She met some guy at a bar out with friends, talked to him for 4 hours, texted for a while, then shagged. I never thought I could get over it, but time has helped, and I really miss being a family. We have a girl that is turning 4 next week, and she does pretty well because she is strong and we are both loving nuturing parents, but our daughter expresses desire for us to be family. I have accepted the wife's wishes to divorce, filled out her paperwork, but she hasn't filed. I am in school full time which I'm sure contributed to her feeling of not being connected, but for better or for worse...right? I tried to be a great husband, I love my wife, we had been together 10 years sans a 8 month breakup before we got married 6 years ago. Things were pretty good until two investment houses foreclosed 2008, and then I started to lose my job. I put her through school and she had got a good job, but I collected umemployment for a while to be with our baby. Anyway, we barely talk the last 9 months, we hated on each other for a bit, and she's been dating the guy she cheated with. So here's the meat of it; few weeks ago she texts me "maybe we can work on things". I said I was open, but nothing happened. Then the other day we talked, she admitted she loved this other guy, then I had some words, our emotions were high, she suggested we go pick up our daughter from daycare. We spent the rest of the day together and it was great. She spent the night with me, then the next day says she doesn't know what it means. I don't know what to think, aside from she's crazy, but I think I may be also because I just want my family back. I grew up with divorced unloving parents so I always swore I would never do that to my kids. I feel like I'm damned if I walk away, damned if I don't. I'm 36 so I don't really see starting another family. Wisdom?

 

Sidenote, why does she not understand why I'd love to rip this other guy apart? She swears he's a great guy despite contributing to splitting a family up. So nuts...

Edited May 19, 2013 by missmyfamily

[2sunny]

Lets get things straight - you didn't break up the family - neither did the other man - SHE DID!

 

And if you take her back - you're rewarding her bad behavior and giving her permission to keep cheating.

 

You file the D papers. You file for spousal support and child up port and custody - she's checked out and into he guy(s).

 

Anything less and you've signed up for a lifetime of misery.

 

Get checked for diseases!

[coaches24]

While I'm sure I would want to tear the other guy apart if I found out my wife was cheating on me the truth is HE wouldn't be the one I'm mad at. SHE is the one creating the anger but you know you can't take that anger out on her so HE becomes the next best thing in your mind. Let me tell you it's not worth it. My best man lost his oldest son because he went ballistic when he saw his ex coming home from a date. He hit and broke a window on the car and she filed a restraining order and got custody of their son. He only got to see his son on a few weekends for the next couple years ( he was 5 or 6 when this happened). They were never married and she had broken up with him before this incident but his feelings were still obviously there. He never had another problem ( before or after) but his one moment of losing self control cost him dearly for a long time and he missed a lot of his sons growing up. So no matter how much you might want to beat up the other guy it will hurt you more than him or her and it will hurt your child more than anyone most likely.

 

As for your relationship with your wife it doesn't sound like she really is interested in reconciling but she sure does seem to want to play games and cause more issues if she's spending the night with you but telling you she loves the other guy. She has some serious issues and should likely go to counseling to get her head in straight IMO.

 

Hi everybody, my wife and I have been seperated for almost a year, she cheated last march and we seperated after trying to work it out for a few months. She met some guy at a bar out with friends, talked to him for 4 hours, texted for a while, then shagged. I never thought I could get over it, but time has helped, and I really miss being a family. We have a girl that is turning 4 next week, and she does pretty well because she is strong and we are both loving nuturing parents, but our daughter expresses desire for us to be family. I have accepted the wife's wishes to divorce, filled out her paperwork, but she hasn't filed. I am in school full time which I'm sure contributed to her feeling of not being connected, but for better or for worse...right? I tried to be a great husband, I love my wife, we had been together 10 years sans a 8 month breakup before we got married 6 years ago. Things were pretty good until two investment houses foreclosed 2008, and then I started to lose my job. I put her through school and she had got a good job, but I collected umemployment for a while to be with our baby. Anyway, we barely talk the last 9 months, we hated on each other for a bit, and she's been dating the guy she cheated with. So here's the meat of it; few weeks ago she texts me "maybe we can work on things". I said I was open, but nothing happened. Then the other day we talked, she admitted she loved this other guy, then I had some words, our emotions were high, she suggested we go pick up our daughter from daycare. We spent the rest of the day together and it was great. She spent the night with me, then the next day says she doesn't know what it means. I don't know what to think, aside from she's crazy, but I think I may be also because I just want my family back. I grew up with divorced unloving parents so I always swore I would never do that to my kids. I feel like I'm damned if I walk away, damned if I don't. I'm 36 so I don't really see starting another family. Wisdom?

 

Sidenote, why does she not understand why I'd love to rip this other guy apart? She swears he's a great guy despite contributing to splitting a family up. So nuts...

[Mr. Lucky]

Then the other day we talked, she admitted she loved this other guy, then I had some words, our emotions were high, she suggested we go pick up our daughter from daycare. We spent the rest of the day together and it was great. She spent the night with me, then the next day says she doesn't know what it means. I don't know what to think, aside from she's crazy, but I think I may be also because I just want my family back.

Whether out of habit or just plain loneliness, many separated couples arrive at the "should we sleep together" point in dissolving their marriage. And while I understand why you'd want to, I wonder if you've asked yourself why she wanted to ??? Cynically I'd say she's keeping you close as her second choice and fallback position in case the relationship with the "other guy" doesn't pan out. And as long as you don't mind being the emotional and physical "sloppy seconds" in your own marriage, that may also work for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[missmyfamily]

I get the being used, fallback, sloppy seconds replies, but I'm really in love with my wife, thats why i married her. The man in me hates her being with another like crazy, but the Christian man in me wants to forgive. I promised her for better for worse too, and I am a man of my word. We started dating when she was 19, she never lived on her own, and by trying to take so much care of her I guess I enabled her to not grow in ways. Still no excuse I know, but I guess what I really need now is to know that her heart has changed. She is confused, I don't know if I'm strong enough to get back together if that's what she wants. I respect the feedback, it is definitely human tendency based and realistic. Sux!

[Almond_Joy]

There's only so much you can do. It's great that you want to forgive, but she's emotionally connected to another man. Your patience and loyalty to her is irrelevant right now. She has to be willing to end that commitment and dedicate herself to working on the marriage again.

 

Yeah she still has feelings for you still, but she's not doing what she can to honor those feelings through and through right now. That has nothing to do with how you feel about her.

 

Go through with the divorce. You upheld the vows to the best of your ability, and that's all you can do. She chose to violate the agreement and if you really feel that she hasn't matured in some ways, then it's all the more important that she experience the full repercussions of her actions. If she wants to make amends later then let her come back to you on her own and say that to you and take the initiative in reestablishing a dedicated relationship with you when she is not committed or involved with someone else.

[Shocked Suzie]

Hi everybody, my wife and I have been seperated for almost a year, she cheated last march and we seperated after trying to work it out for a few months. She met some guy at a bar out with friends, talked to him for 4 hours, texted for a while, then shagged. I never thought I could get over it, but time has helped, and I really miss being a family. We have a girl that is turning 4 next week, and she does pretty well because she is strong and we are both loving nuturing parents, but our daughter expresses desire for us to be family. I have accepted the wife's wishes to divorce, filled out her paperwork, but she hasn't filed. I am in school full time which I'm sure contributed to her feeling of not being connected, but for better or for worse...right? I tried to be a great husband, I love my wife, we had been together 10 years sans a 8 month breakup before we got married 6 years ago. Things were pretty good until two investment houses foreclosed 2008, and then I started to lose my job. I put her through school and she had got a good job, but I collected umemployment for a while to be with our baby. Anyway, we barely talk the last 9 months, we hated on each other for a bit, and she's been dating the guy she cheated with. So here's the meat of it; few weeks ago she texts me "maybe we can work on things". I said I was open, but nothing happened. Then the other day we talked, she admitted she loved this other guy, then I had some words, our emotions were high, she suggested we go pick up our daughter from daycare. We spent the rest of the day together and it was great. She spent the night with me, then the next day says she doesn't know what it means. I don't know what to think, aside from she's crazy, but I think I may be also because I just want my family back. I grew up with divorced unloving parents so I always swore I would never do that to my kids. I feel like I'm damned if I walk away, damned if I don't. I'm 36 so I don't really see starting another family. Wisdom?

 

Sidenote, why does she not understand why I'd love to rip this other guy apart? She swears he's a great guy despite contributing to splitting a family up. So nuts...

 

 

Like others have said its not the OM you should be focusing on or angry with, i doubt he has her arm up her back to stay with him....pretty sure he would have no idea about her spending the day/night with you either!!...personally i think she is being totally self centered and treating like a fool, she is playing with your emotions as she knows that your there at the drop of a hat! if she had any respect for you 'knowing this' she would have the guts to leave the OM and face the possibility of things otherwise falling to bits or into place...but no i'd say she is selfishly dipping her toe into see if she wants to jump....just like she probably did with you when she left??

 

i understand that you miss her and would love to give this another go, but if you roll over and make this a walk in the park for her, she'll have no respect for you at all and you'll will just have a whole heap of heart break....if trying again is what you want and you wont rest until you've tried this, i'd suggest that firstly she leaves the OM before any further discussions/personal meeting take place and you guys get some counseling, take things slowly and date again

 

wishing you all the best

[2sunny]

I get the being used, fallback, sloppy seconds replies, but I'm really in love with my wife, thats why i married her. The man in me hates her being with another like crazy, but the Christian man in me wants to forgive. I promised her for better for worse too, and I am a man of my word. We started dating when she was 19, she never lived on her own, and by trying to take so much care of her I guess I enabled her to not grow in ways. Still no excuse I know, but I guess what I really need now is to know that her heart has changed. She is confused, I don't know if I'm strong enough to get back together if that's what she wants. I respect the feedback, it is definitely human tendency based and realistic. Sux!

 

Even if you want to - she said no. So what now, beg? That is sure to look weak and pathetic to her.

 

I'd tell her you accept it - and start moving forward - that way she can realize there are CONSEQUENCES to her bad behavior.

 

Yes, you can love someone and find their bad behavior completely unacceptable. Even the bible (since you are Christian) states that adultery makes the M null and void.

 

God asks in the bible to respect, honor and love - I don't see your wife doing any of those. Now you must respect yourself - or else THAT is a huge form of betrayal to self.

 

Anything less and you keep signing up to be her doormat.

[Mr. Lucky]

I get the being used, fallback, sloppy seconds replies, but I'm really in love with my wife, thats why i married her. The man in me hates her being with another like crazy, but the Christian man in me wants to forgive. I promised her for better for worse too, and I am a man of my word. We started dating when she was 19, she never lived on her own, and by trying to take so much care of her I guess I enabled her to not grow in ways. Still no excuse I know, but I guess what I really need now is to know that her heart has changed. She is confused, I don't know if I'm strong enough to get back together if that's what she wants. I respect the feedback, it is definitely human tendency based and realistic. Sux!

Look, you had a very human response to a very tempting situation. There were many nights during our separation, had my STBX wife shown up on my doorstep, I don't know if I'd have been strong enough to turn her away.

 

But I ask you - what's changed ??? She's still seeing - and sleeping with - him, you're still separated and moving towards divorce and a new life is still the best course...

 

Mr. Lucky

[worldgonewrong]

I get the being used, fallback, sloppy seconds replies, but I'm really in love with my wife, thats why i married her. The man in me hates her being with another like crazy, but the Christian man in me wants to forgive. I promised her for better for worse too, and I am a man of my word.

 

Look, I'm a God-loving man too. And when I first went down the road of separation, I clung to my Christian values in service of saving the marriage, doing what's right, etc.

BUT here's the deal - Jesus/God doesn't want you to live your life as a sucker. You weren't put on this earth to continually take her s _ _t.

And all of the trueness/rightness within you, as pertains to God, is not necessarily going to have ANY effect on her.

If the love is one-sided, then it's no longer a relationship. That applies to marriage and friendships too. You might as well be in love with a photograph.

[cmoney]

Sounds like your wife is trying to make up for time she missed by getting in a relationship at 19 and there are some things that she did not get out of her system. You are a better man than me. Not only did she cheat on you with another man but now she is defending him and calling him a "great guy". Ask yourself this, since all this has been going on has she once apologized or accepted responsibility for her actions? I would surmise that if the two of you get divorced and she enters a relationship with this guy, she will discover he is not such a "great guy". Its good that you are trying to forgive her because the two of you are going to have to deal with each other for the sake of your daughter. Good luck.

[GuyInLimbo]

So, let me get this straight. You were determined not to screw things up for your kid, yet here you are sending her the worst of mixed signals by hooking back up with your STBX. Great work! You both need to grow up. At the very least, get into serious MC (and not the Christian kind).

[missmyfamily]

First, thanks, I appreciate all of your feedback. I made it clear to her today that I would not be willing to work on things until she broke ties with this guy 100%. She agreed like that was what she already had planned, like "of course". FYI, I'm nobody's doormat! I'm actually pretty opinionated and outspoken. In fact, a lot of our fights perpetuated by me being so set in my ways and unflappable, which I always thought was a measure of character, but with us I see how it made her feel unvalued. She is the one saying now that she realizes what bad mistakes she made, how she overlooked many things about me that she should have not taken for granted. She is attempting to legitimately reconcile I think. She really cares about this other guy because they were able to "connect" ... which is the component we lacked in the last 3 years of our marriage, and I get that. What I don't get is that we had trouble connecting because of all the stress of losing houses, having a child, and me going back to school full time after I lost my job. So what concerns me is how are we going to get past all of the future struggles? Our fights usually lacked a willingness to compromise, her emotions took over and I usually had to make concessions to diffuse the rift. But I also see a certain maturity that she has gained by being on her own for the last 9 months.

We met today for a few minutes and it was easy happiness, great chemistry, no real awkwardness. I'm starting to think that the more important part of all of this is my ability to let go and forgive. She seems very regretful and gave good explanation to my question of why does she want me back. The phone rang as I was ready to leave and it was him; I told her that if she's not ready to leave his ass behind and get to work on our marriage, I am divorcing her. I'm at my limit.

[revitup]

Missmyfamily,

 

Sad to see you here,it is not where we hope to be in our lives.

 

I see it as this,a man has taken care of a woman and as long as all was great and the money was flush....life was good.

 

Next came some bumps in the finances and the woman turned on you.

 

Next the woman went looking for some better pasture and it was wonderful to her ....right up until the dude dumped her or was with another woman.

 

Now the woman is trying harder to work on her affair than she is her marriage...to you.

 

She is now having an affair with her husband.

 

The other guy is trying to keep your wife hanging and your wife is trying to keep you on the line.....just in case.

 

Another woman (somewhere) is looking for a man like you that she can adore and love and care about.

 

You are the only one waiting to see what all of these people come up with as a plan for your life.

 

So,take your life back and find the way to happiness.Avoid ALL unnecessary contact with the cheating woman you have married.Let her see just how it feels to "have it all".

 

At some point she will wake up and guess what?You will have found that being with that other woman out there is much easier than being nervous and worried as to where your cheating wife is every time she is late or doesn't answer her phone!

 

REVITUP

[Mr. Lucky]

The phone rang as I was ready to leave and it was him

If she's cutting "ties with this guy 100%", when exactly does that start ???

 

Like a man lost and wandering in the desert, you're looking at the horizon and being fooled into seeing what you want to see. She's circling back to you simply because she's found out that it's tougher out there than she thought. I'd be afraid, very afraid...

 

Mr. Lucky

[missmyfamily]

Revitup; I have no idea yet what, if anything, happened between her and this guy. It does make me wary that she essentially cheated on him with me, and I pointed that out to her. When I told her the obvious expected groundrules, she knew that she will have to cut ties 100%, and she has to want to do so all on her own. I'm not the guy that will try to control a person, she might laugh at that statement, but I know that if she doesn't own the decision 100%, it will never be that in our relationship, 100%. I don't want anyone to be with me under any coercion, I want her to be with me because it's what she wants for herself. I am a skeptic, and I do want to believe all of this and buy in, but I'm no dummy, we've been together a decade, it will be off if it's not right, any deception is over. She is brutally honest, and if I ask she will be truthful even if it hurts. Seemingly controlling, I won't proceed unless I have access to her phone records and emails, not that I want to waste a bunch of time playing detective, but it needs to be transparent. Any whiff of that guy and I'm out.

 

Mr. Lucky; I won't proceed until it starts 100%. I know we shagged the other night, but I have boundaries no matter how bad I want something. I'm no fool, and this is already the hardest thing in the world. I dated someone as well in the interim, I thought we were divorcing, but I know there are lots of women out there that will appreciate me and treat me well. It wasn't hard to find a good one, but it was hard for me to invest a lot of emotion when my marriage was still unresolved.

[Mr. Lucky]

It wasn't hard to find a good one, but it was hard for me to invest a lot of emotion when my marriage was still unresolved.

Wow. She cheated on you, left you for him, told you she's in love with him and "connects" with him in a way she never did with you, leaves you hanging for a year and is still talking to him while she sleeps with you.

 

What part of your marriage is "unresolved" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[revitup]

Missmyfamily,I too always said "I miss my family" ...all three times she left.I also bargained and also took her back twice.

 

There was never one time that the STBXWW even thought about saying she slept with anyone.I asked,she said no.Whether she did or not,I don't know.It doesn't matter.

 

I say this because,we all believe there is no way in the world that OUR loving sweetheart would ever do something so bad.We all believe we have the most BRUTALLY HONEST woman or man in the world in our spouse.

 

Yet we all have landed right here together.Sadly if you read the posts on here from start to finish,you will see the transition from "no way she slept with another man,I asked her" and later you see the old "well,you guys were right,she has been doing him for a long time".

 

I just want you to know that I and my DD15 are together now.The reason is because we ARE my family now.The STBXWW who was always BRUTALLY HONEST,turned the page on that part of her life and is now making up for it with all of the lies she fell behind on telling before, I guess.

 

They change hard when they go out that door my man.You still see all of the wonderful things that attracted you to her then.She sees all of your faults.

 

If you aren't careful,she will have you believing you caused her to do all of this.

 

The strays always call when they need some reassurance.Do not give her any wiggle room.You will regret it.Let her ponder some as you have to do.Allow her the "space" she needed before.

 

Pretend she was back right now.

You have to go out of town for a weekend.

Will you feel confident and reassured about her affection and loyalty,while you are away?

 

If so,go get her.

 

REVITUP

[Porridge]

Another woman (somewhere) is looking for a man like you that she can adore and love and care about.

 

Just read this thread from A to Z and this line stuck out for me.

 

This woman, regardless of how much you love her, has no respect for you whatsoever. You say that you're a strong character which means that in general, you wouldn't let anyone else treat you with such contempt. But you let your wife tread all over you and just beg for more.

 

Even if she came back, I categorically promise you that:

 

a) she will do this again

 

b) you will never fully trust her again

 

Taking her back is easy because it alleviates your inner fear of loneliness. But if you want the best out of your life then you will move on and meet that beautiful woman who truly loves you sooner.

 

And the day when that happens, you'll see your wife for who she truly is and will wonder why you ever let yourself get in the position you're in right now.