spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Why do guys assume that if they are physically attracted to a photo of you that you must be to them? I've chatted with guys online who are convinced that we are suited and that when we meet we will both be attracted to each other. Why? Agreeing to meet doesn't mean I feel instant attraction. Attraction for me can be a mental as well as physical thing. I know I can become more attracted to someone I get on well with, so I am careful not to be too swayed by a photo. What also concerns me is the way that guys come on strong, chatting online or by SMS, and treat you as if you are already their girlfriend. When you say it takes time to get to know a person and you haven't even met yet, they talk as if that's a minor issue. When you make it clear they are assuming too much, they back off and say yes, of course we will start as friends and see how it goes, then their behaviour still says otherwise. Like, they send tons of texts wanting to know your every move, or talk as if they are assuming you are not chatting to any other guys and are waiting only to meet them. What is the point of telling a guy that you need them to be friends and see how it goes if they keep leaping ahead like this? They can't seem to help themselves but it's pressure and makes me want to back out. I don't understand what is going on in a guy's head when this happens. Can anyone explain? 1
cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I don't really know. Maybe the wrong type of guy?? Honestly, are you very attractive? I mean are these guys just thinking with the wrong head? Or maybe they are assuming that becuase you met on line your a just looking for a hook-up of something. Maybe becuase that is what they are looking for.
ChessPieceFace Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Why do guys assume that if they are physically attracted to a photo of you that you must be to them? I've never assumed or even imagined that.
Author spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 No, I'm no stunner or anything, just average, or even below average. Why would that make much difference anyway? Guys just seem to assume all will go as they wish/are thinking, almost as if I'm not an independent person with a mind of my own. I don't like the pressure and assumptions and I've backed out of meeting several guys because of this. I've tried to warn them they are putting me under pressure by talking as if I'm their girlfriend, and they do back off a bit then, but then the assumptions start to take over again. I've 'dumped' guys I've never met because of this. I start to feel trapped, as if they are telling me what I should be thinking and have my future mapped out for me. Do other women find this happens too?
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Usually they want to get you in the sack quickly - or they just get excited because they think you're hot and try to lock you down. I hazard to say this is common among men, but it's a familiar pattern.
Author spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Actually, that sounds very much like it, the wanting to lock you down thing. I'm not hot, not at all, just average, but yes it does feel as if they are trying to confine me in some way. I can see why a boyfriend would want to do this, but a guy I've only chatted to and haven't yet met? Isn't that a bit excessive. They always deny that they are making assumptions, but they are, and they quickly fall back into that. I guess it's part of a process that would normally happen once you've met and established mutual attraction, but it seems to happen before that. Do guys know how off-putting and oppressive it can seem?
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Actually, that sounds very much like it, the wanting to lock you down thing. I'm not hot, not at all, just average, but yes it does feel as if they are trying to confine me in some way. I can see why a boyfriend would want to do this, but a guy I've only chatted to and haven't yet met? Isn't that a bit excessive. They always deny that they are making assumptions, but they are, and they quickly fall back into that. I guess it's part of a process that would normally happen once you've met and established mutual attraction, but it seems to happen before that. Do guys know how off-putting and oppressive it can seem? No, there are quite a few guys who do not seem aware of their behavior, and there are others who are but fail to mask it well enough. I would be unwise to attribute this to a majority however, but a lot of guys do it. I suspect part of it could be desperation to a degree - pre-emptively claiming you so as to eliminate the possibility of you going elsewhere to find a man.
c57dood Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 A lot of men view women as pieces of meat, and when they're hungry...
Author spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 No, there are quite a few guys who do not seem aware of their behavior, and there are others who are but fail to mask it well enough. I would be unwise to attribute this to a majority however, but a lot of guys do it. I suspect part of it could be desperation to a degree - pre-emptively claiming you so as to eliminate the possibility of you going elsewhere to find a man. What you say sounds so accurate ThaWholigan, pre-emptive claiming, yes, it really feels like that. It's impossible though. I haven't met him yet. I don't know if I will find him physically attractive in person or if he smells or something. I guess if it's instinctive behaviour, it's going to be hard to avoid but why doesn't the guy also think in terms of 'seeing how it goes' until mutual attraction has been established?
Author spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 A lot of men view women as pieces of meat, and when they're hungry... Yes, there is that. Some of these guys have sounded pretty decent actually, they've just been so presumptive it's been off-putting. Do guys need to 'claim' a woman when they like her, even if they haven't met as yet?
c57dood Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Yes, there is that. Some of these guys have sounded pretty decent actually, they've just been so presumptive it's been off-putting. Do guys need to 'claim' a woman when they like her, even if they haven't met as yet? It depends. How are you responding to it? If you're still giving him attention, then most likely he'll continue. As for claiming, if the guy is really into then yes, he does. Why? Because if he doesn't in his mind some other guy will if he's too slow. You'd be surprised how much men fight each other over women.
Author spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 It depends. How are you responding to it? If you're still giving him attention, then most likely he'll continue. As for claiming, if the guy is really into then yes, he does. Why? Because if he doesn't in his mind some other guy will if he's too slow. You'd be surprised how much men fight each other over women. I can see there might be an instinct to 'claim' but if the guy hasn't met the woman, surely he must realise he's got to control that? My feeling at that stage is that I'm going to meet a guy who sounds nice and who I get on well with but that until we've met and got to know each other a heck of a lot better, we are not on romantic terms. He seems to think totally differently. Regarding 'responding to it', what do you mean? Is telling him he's presuming too much 'responding'? Or do you mean, I should just ignore the guy altogether and not communicate if he'd doing this?
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 What you say sounds so accurate ThaWholigan, pre-emptive claiming, yes, it really feels like that. It's impossible though. I haven't met him yet. I don't know if I will find him physically attractive in person or if he smells or something. I guess if it's instinctive behaviour, it's going to be hard to avoid but why doesn't the guy also think in terms of 'seeing how it goes' until mutual attraction has been established? Going with the flow, while beneficial to a degree, is too slow for some men, who don't know when their next relationship or next lay is gonna be. Hence, they will push.
c57dood Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I can see there might be an instinct to 'claim' but if the guy hasn't met the woman, surely he must realise he's got to control that? My feeling at that stage is that I'm going to meet a guy who sounds nice and who I get on well with but that until we've met and got to know each other a heck of a lot better, we are not on romantic terms. He seems to think totally differently. Regarding 'responding to it', what do you mean? Is telling him he's presuming too much 'responding'? Or do you mean, I should just ignore the guy altogether and not communicate if he'd doing this? Then ignore him and stop talking to him. Problem solved.
apple OR orange Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 mainly as women expect this "chase me, chase me, even when i say no, i really want you to chase me more, the more i make you chase the more i want you". So, the default action is, i like you so now i keep chasing as i see other guys you say you wont go near, you hate, you then did sex with Sunday morning and still hate them and keep saying no. Stop the above behaviour "make them chase you" crap and the odd you i have to make sure i keep chasing you stuff will stop as well
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Why do guys assume that if they are physically attracted to a photo of you that you must be to them? Because guys who are attracted to a photo of you will tend to be attracted to you. Keep in mind that men and women process attraction quite differently from one another.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I always assume that if I'm attracted to a woman she will most likely not be attracted to me. So, I can't relate to the problem you seem to have... 1
KraftDinner Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 mainly as women expect this "chase me, chase me, even when i say no, i really want you to chase me more, the more i make you chase the more i want you". So, the default action is, i like you so now i keep chasing as i see other guys you say you wont go near, you hate, you then did sex with Sunday morning and still hate them and keep saying no. Stop the above behaviour "make them chase you" crap and the odd you i have to make sure i keep chasing you stuff will stop as well It doesn't sound as though she's doing that. That's a crazy assumption. And if she says no, it's usually just no.
KraftDinner Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Because guys who are attracted to a photo of you will tend to be attracted to you. Keep in mind that men and women process attraction quite differently from one another. True. But I think what the OP meant was that the guy was assuming that SHE would be attracted to HIM...just because he was attracted to her (photo).
USMCHokie Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 True. But I think what the OP meant was that the guy was assuming that SHE would be attracted to HIM...just because he was attracted to her (photo). Indeed. We all tend to project our own values and mentalities onto others and assume they think just like we do. That guy assumed that she would be attracted to him based on photos just as he's attracted to her based on photos...because he knows and understands no other way. OP, based on her own notions of attraction, probably can't empathize with that guy on what it's like to view attraction exclusively from the physical.
KraftDinner Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Indeed. We all tend to project our own values and mentalities onto others and assume they think just like we do. That guy assumed that she would be attracted to him based on photos just as he's attracted to her based on photos...because he knows and understands no other way. OP, based on her own notions of attraction, probably can't empathize with that guy on what it's like to view attraction exclusively from the physical. I see what you mean...if you're saying that his misunderstanding was also a lack of empathy. ..? Makes sense. There is a huge pair of jugs in the ad to the right of this box. 1
thatone Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Why do guys assume that if they are physically attracted to a photo of you that you must be to them? I've chatted with guys online who are convinced that we are suited and that when we meet we will both be attracted to each other. Why? Agreeing to meet doesn't mean I feel instant attraction. Attraction for me can be a mental as well as physical thing. I know I can become more attracted to someone I get on well with, so I am careful not to be too swayed by a photo. What also concerns me is the way that guys come on strong, chatting online or by SMS, and treat you as if you are already their girlfriend. When you say it takes time to get to know a person and you haven't even met yet, they talk as if that's a minor issue. When you make it clear they are assuming too much, they back off and say yes, of course we will start as friends and see how it goes, then their behaviour still says otherwise. Like, they send tons of texts wanting to know your every move, or talk as if they are assuming you are not chatting to any other guys and are waiting only to meet them. What is the point of telling a guy that you need them to be friends and see how it goes if they keep leaping ahead like this? They can't seem to help themselves but it's pressure and makes me want to back out. I don't understand what is going on in a guy's head when this happens. Can anyone explain? Because online dating is a horrible and twisted bastardization of dating from a man's perspective. You spend hours searching through profiles to find the handful worth messaging, another set of hours responding to the ones who reply trying to keep them organized, only to be flaked on by the half dozen or so you wind up getting a number/date from, and that triggers desperation at some point, which translates to getting over zealous with anyone who seems receptive. As a man unless you're the 35 year old virgin you're used to instant gratification. You approach a woman, talk to her and get a phone number, or not, but either way the outcome is known in a few minutes to an hour depending on circumstances. Online dating is nothing more than an artificial barrier to the normal routine you're used to. You are suddenly expected to spend vastly more time for vastly less results. I would liken it to giving a pet a certain top shelf dog or cat food for years and then suddenly expecting the pet to do tricks for the cheap food. The pet's reaction will go from anxious and whiny to outright desperate rebellion in pretty short order. That and the fact that stereotypically, online dating is a booty call machine for those who photo well and a last ditch effort for the rest. Sounds like you found the latter.
Author spiderowl Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 True. But I think what the OP meant was that the guy was assuming that SHE would be attracted to HIM...just because he was attracted to her (photo). Yes that's it. It seems like vanity to assume. By the way, I'm not assuming I'm attractive to anyone, just saying how people behave.
Author spiderowl Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Indeed. We all tend to project our own values and mentalities onto others and assume they think just like we do. That guy assumed that she would be attracted to him based on photos just as he's attracted to her based on photos...because he knows and understands no other way. OP, based on her own notions of attraction, probably can't empathize with that guy on what it's like to view attraction exclusively from the physical. I understand what you are saying about projection, but isn't it a bit odd that someone should assume you are attracted because they are? It's a wonderful way of thinking, if so. I wish I thought like that. I have too many doubts about my own attractiveness to ever assume a guy would feel the same as I did.
carhill Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I don't understand what is going on in a guy's head when this happens. Can anyone explain? It's pretty much universal and on LS, as many behaviors discussed, is explained as projection. The man (or woman) is attracted, and projects that attraction upon the object of their attraction, desiring it to be mutual. It's completely natural to desire to be liked and attractive to those we like and find attractive. As an outlier, I can tell you the guys who think you like them because they like you are far more successful with the ladies. That's just how it is. They don't analyze things, rather act solely on their attraction without ambiguity. If it turns out to be wrong, they move on to the next one. It's efficient and conserves energy.
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