cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I have been dating a girl for over six months. We are both very happy. I probably jumped inot it to fast. We have ahd a little problem because I am a little self concious... She has spent a little time with my family and kids. She hasn't even told her family about me. We have talked some about it. It really makes me feel like it is just not going to be long term. People are starting to tell me that it is wierd that she is not telling them. Now she is telling me that she is questioning things. She is away for the weekend at her families and she is not being herself... I have no idea what to do:sick:
spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I have been dating a girl for over six months. We are both very happy. I probably jumped inot it to fast. We have ahd a little problem because I am a little self concious... She has spent a little time with my family and kids. She hasn't even told her family about me. We have talked some about it. It really makes me feel like it is just not going to be long term. People are starting to tell me that it is wierd that she is not telling them. Now she is telling me that she is questioning things. She is away for the weekend at her families and she is not being herself... I have no idea what to do:sick: Obviously, she is the only person who can really answer your questions, but I can offer a few thoughts: There are a couple of things in your message that stand out to me, like when you said 'we' have had a little problem because you are self-conscious. Was this impacting her and in what way? You seem to acknowledge something has upset things there. There is nothing wrong with being self conscious and, ordinarily, it wouldn't spoil a good relationship. The other thing that stands out, apart from her not introducing you to her family, is that she is questioning things and has told you so. I presume you mean she is questioning things about her relationship with you? She is not being herself either. These are two clear signs that something's up and, quite honestly, she's backing out. I'm sorry to say that as I know it's not what you'd want to hear. I don't think you can do anything to 'save' a relationship where one is 'questioning things' as it sounds like a pre-exit comment. Maybe you could think about your self-consciousness issue and in what way it might have affected things and see if you can do anything about it. But, frankly, it could simply be that you two are not right for each other and never would have been. The main way we find out that we are not compatible with someone is by getting to know them better. Unfortunately, this natural process often leads to pain, but is there any better way?
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 It's been six months - not a short time but not especially long at all. Like you said - you may have jumped in too fast, so she could be feeling a bit pressured by the relationship due to your being self-conscious about it, what with the meeting of families or whatnot. Couple that with her questioning of your relationship and her subsequent trip away at her families could make things tricky upon her return. This could actually go either way so don't make any solid decisions, but I would have another talk to see if you can find out why she's questioning things. No pressure, and try not to be upset - just remain objective if you can. Sadly, you may possibly have to prepare for the worst and move on. You mention that you feel she doesn't see you as long term. I would try to find out if that is the case before you make any decisions. Can I ask how old you both are?
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Obviously, she is the only person who can really answer your questions, but I can offer a few thoughts: There are a couple of things in your message that stand out to me, like when you said 'we' have had a little problem because you are self-conscious. Was this impacting her and in what way? You seem to acknowledge something has upset things there. There is nothing wrong with being self conscious and, ordinarily, it wouldn't spoil a good relationship. The other thing that stands out, apart from her not introducing you to her family, is that she is questioning things and has told you so. I presume you mean she is questioning things about her relationship with you? She is not being herself either. These are two clear signs that something's up and, quite honestly, she's backing out. I'm sorry to say that as I know it's not what you'd want to hear. I don't think you can do anything to 'save' a relationship where one is 'questioning things' as it sounds like a pre-exit comment. Maybe you could think about your self-consciousness issue and in what way it might have affected things and see if you can do anything about it. But, frankly, it could simply be that you two are not right for each other and never would have been. The main way we find out that we are not compatible with someone is by getting to know them better. Unfortunately, this natural process often leads to pain, but is there any better way? Yes... I get a little wierd sometimes. Like she does things that lead me to believe that she doesn't seem to see me long term. At the same time she does things that make me feel like we are long term. She says that she wants to talk tomorrow when she gets home and she doesn't want to give up on us... yet she is just being very different. She said she bought us a bottle of wine today. Yet the normal fun loving texts are completely missing. I am very confused.
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 It's been six months - not a short time but not especially long at all. Like you said - you may have jumped in too fast, so she could be feeling a bit pressured by the relationship due to your being self-conscious about it, what with the meeting of families or whatnot. Couple that with her questioning of your relationship and her subsequent trip away at her families could make things tricky upon her return. This could actually go either way so don't make any solid decisions, but I would have another talk to see if you can find out why she's questioning things. No pressure, and try not to be upset - just remain objective if you can. Sadly, you may possibly have to prepare for the worst and move on. You mention that you feel she doesn't see you as long term. I would try to find out if that is the case before you make any decisions. Can I ask how old you both are? Its funny because all the people aroung us find that it is different that she hasn't told her family. She does things that make me feel like she wants to be with me long term, and other times she does different. Today she called and said she bought us a bottle of wine. We talked about her "questioning" things and she said that is not what she is doing really. I told her I am not pressuring her about tell her family. She has told her friends but I also want her to understand how it affects me. I am 33 and she is 27 We are both teachers at the same school. I have two kids, she has none but that doesnt seem to bother her at all. I am terified out going the wrong direction in our relationship.
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Its funny because all the people aroung us find that it is different that she hasn't told her family. She does things that make me feel like she wants to be with me long term, and other times she does different. Today she called and said she bought us a bottle of wine. We talked about her "questioning" things and she said that is not what she is doing really. I told her I am not pressuring her about tell her family. She has told her friends but I also want her to understand how it affects me. I am 33 and she is 27 We are both teachers at the same school. I have two kids, she has none but that doesnt seem to bother her at all. I am terified out going the wrong direction in our relationship. Ok, I understand a little better. She does seem to be in two minds about it and being that she's a colleague that makes things a little awkward, but she seems to want it to work. The best thing you can do is try to calm down. Easier said than done I imagine. But I think your anxiety about the strength of your relationship could inadvertently be weakening it. I would focus on that if its not too late - and it doesn't sound like it is. Try to relax if you can, and in turn she may just pull closer .
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Ok, I understand a little better. She does seem to be in two minds about it and being that she's a colleague that makes things a little awkward, but she seems to want it to work. The best thing you can do is try to calm down. Easier said than done I imagine. But I think your anxiety about the strength of your relationship could inadvertently be weakening it. I would focus on that if its not too late - and it doesn't sound like it is. Try to relax if you can, and in turn she may just pull closer . You really are amazing... I do need to calm down. I am an extemely emotional person... And I am very scared because I ahve never met a girl like her. I have NEVER had what we have. We have so much fun together. I think sometimes, because we spend so much time together... we stay the night together almost every night, It feels very serious to me. Yet she doesn't want to tell her family. I know there is more to it then what you and maybe even I know. I need to just rrrreeeeellllaaaaxxxx. Can you tell me this... how do I go into our conversation tomorrow cool, calm and collected when my head is spinning?? Please help!
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 You really are amazing... I do need to calm down. I am an extemely emotional person... And I am very scared because I ahve never met a girl like her. I have NEVER had what we have. We have so much fun together. I think sometimes, because we spend so much time together... we stay the night together almost every night, It feels very serious to me. Yet she doesn't want to tell her family. I know there is more to it then what you and maybe even I know. I need to just rrrreeeeellllaaaaxxxx. Can you tell me this... how do I go into our conversation tomorrow cool, calm and collected when my head is spinning?? Please help! You have to marinade on the positives, and tell yourself that you'll be OK whatever happens. Don't dwell too much on all that could go wrong. I think you are aware of your emotional patterns but generally are struggling to control your response. Its not a skill that can be picked up overnight unfortunately so I would just focus on having a happy conversation tomorrow rather than a penultimate one. But in the future I would try to be mindful towards how you respond to things emotionally so you can have a greater control over it. You may still feel a certain way, but you will accept that it is just your emotions. Also, remember that if the worst should happen, you will be fine and can still find a woman who will love you. In any case, just treat your next night together as the first of many many more. Have fun and live in the moment with her. She will appreciate that.
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 You have to marinade on the positives, and tell yourself that you'll be OK whatever happens. Don't dwell too much on all that could go wrong. I think you are aware of your emotional patterns but generally are struggling to control your response. Its not a skill that can be picked up overnight unfortunately so I would just focus on having a happy conversation tomorrow rather than a penultimate one. But in the future I would try to be mindful towards how you respond to things emotionally so you can have a greater control over it. You may still feel a certain way, but you will accept that it is just your emotions. Also, remember that if the worst should happen, you will be fine and can still find a woman who will love you. In any case, just treat your next night together as the first of many many more. Have fun and live in the moment with her. She will appreciate that. Thank you very much... We have had 6+ months of living in the moment so I can't imagine it will be to hard! Thank you for all your help. I hope it all goes well tomorrow!
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 You have to marinade on the positives, and tell yourself that you'll be OK whatever happens. Don't dwell too much on all that could go wrong. I think you are aware of your emotional patterns but generally are struggling to control your response. Its not a skill that can be picked up overnight unfortunately so I would just focus on having a happy conversation tomorrow rather than a penultimate one. But in the future I would try to be mindful towards how you respond to things emotionally so you can have a greater control over it. You may still feel a certain way, but you will accept that it is just your emotions. Also, remember that if the worst should happen, you will be fine and can still find a woman who will love you. In any case, just treat your next night together as the first of many many more. Have fun and live in the moment with her. She will appreciate that. Sorry... more... Is there a way I should have the conversation I know we have to have tomorrow about her "questioning" things? The rot of it is that we have had a few little arguments and she is afraid that it is too soon for that. The aguments have been no big deal, mostly about things that we are learning about eachother and we are both great communicators. We talk about everything. any advice there?
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Sorry... more... Is there a way I should have the conversation I know we have to have tomorrow about her "questioning" things? The rot of it is that we have had a few little arguments and she is afraid that it is too soon for that. The aguments have been no big deal, mostly about things that we are learning about eachother and we are both great communicators. We talk about everything. any advice there? Nothing major really, just try to clear the air rather than confront. Keep it light and stay relaxed. You want her to feel comfortable alking about this calmly.
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Nothing major really, just try to clear the air rather than confront. Keep it light and stay relaxed. You want her to feel comfortable alking about this calmly. Will do... do I read to much into things?? like, when she goes home she always misses me so much... she says things like " I miss you sooo much babe" Today it has just been a bunch of "I miss you" or "miss you" not as heart felt as it used to be I guess. Is it just becuase of the way she is feeling or am I reading to much into it?
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Will do... do I read to much into things?? like, when she goes home she always misses me so much... she says things like " I miss you sooo much babe" Today it has just been a bunch of "I miss you" or "miss you" not as heart felt as it used to be I guess. Is it just becuase of the way she is feeling or am I reading to much into it? The change of expression might just be a level of comfort between you two, I wouldn't read that much into it. Obviously her questioning the union will play a part, but in general I wouldn't worry about that really. Wait until you can talk in person
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 The change of expression might just be a level of comfort between you two, I wouldn't read that much into it. Obviously her questioning the union will play a part, but in general I wouldn't worry about that really. Wait until you can talk in person Do I bring it up in our discussion? Like that I noticed it as different? I know... just relax!
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Do I bring it up in our discussion? Like that I noticed it as different? I know... just relax! Don't bring up the texting difference!! Just reaffirm that you want your relationship to work and let her know you're desire.
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Don't bring up the texting difference!! Just reaffirm that you want your relationship to work and let her know you're desire. !! yes, I am a nut case!! ok... anything else for me!?!? Help me fix this so it never happens again! I am going to try my best to just be happy and not dwel over the fact that she is hesitant to tell her family about me... You should get paid for this!! I would pay you! LOL
ThaWholigan Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 !! yes, I am a nut case!! ok... anything else for me!?!? Help me fix this so it never happens again! I am going to try my best to just be happy and not dwel over the fact that she is hesitant to tell her family about me... You should get paid for this!! I would pay you! LOL Awww, don't be silly - this is an advice forum, were here to help if we can . Money's no motivator here . I don't want to overload you with advice, or it will backfire and you'll have too much going on in your head. Just focus on relaxing and when she's with you focus on her. Let her know that you're happy with her and that she can introduce you in her own time. She may even open up about why. I have to go now, its late here! Good luck
Author cnickd Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Awww, don't be silly - this is an advice forum, were here to help if we can . Money's no motivator here . I don't want to overload you with advice, or it will backfire and you'll have too much going on in your head. Just focus on relaxing and when she's with you focus on her. Let her know that you're happy with her and that she can introduce you in her own time. She may even open up about why. I have to go now, its late here! Good luck Thank you so much!!! we will be talking again I hope!!
Author cnickd Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Thank you so much!!! we will be talking again I hope!! I just wanted to report... The talk last night was great. I went in with a very open mind and very calmly. We talked for hours and it was so very possitive. Thank you so much for all of your help!! It means more to me then you know!! If am ever in your area I will buy you a beer!! 1
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