Warning Signs

[Confused48]

It seems to me that one of the most common things that a BS ignores is the WS being secretive about their phone. I did it. Plus more. I ignored that WS was excitedly talking about the AP,,, to me! I ignored missing time, missing money, extra gifts. I feel so stupid, in retrospect. I know I'm not stupid. Just a normal trusting person. But you BS know what I mean. How could we miss these warning signals?

 

We are not to blame. We should not have had to think about why our partner was being secretive with their phone. But now that we know what they did and what we missed as warning signs, well, I for one think, CRAP! I should have seen that was not right! You too? What in hindsight do you now see that you wish you had not ignored?

[Janesays]

The phone, of course.

 

Moved the computer to another room. (Was normally in the family room)

 

Sudden interest in exercise.

 

New wardrobe.

 

Pushing me to work extra hours.

 

I could go on and on.

[jnel921]

H was fighting with me more than usual but nothing to make me believe he was cheating.

 

WS are good liars. Thank goodness we now know and can continue to heal instead of hur.

[whichwayisup]

You weren't looking for it and had no reason or thoughts to mistrust, partially because you loved and trusted and also because the WS made sure ALL seemed fine at home, manipulated and lied so well. It's not something most would pay attention to, those little red flags..

[olwen]

I wish I had realised so much.

 

First there were pirvate face book messages, i warned him they looked too flirty. Told me I was paranoid and I later found out at that point they switched to texts. He told her her rarely used fb (cos i had caught him 2 years ag propositioning another woman) so texting would be better. He ignored my warning and just went more underground.

 

Distance. He moaned about everything to do with me and how i was ruining his life. He started to distance from me and live his life like a single man.

 

Phone. i noticed he never left it lying around anymore and he stopped me ringing or texting when he was at work. His phone was always on charge then since he had been texting her all night.

 

Weight - He lost a stone in this period, he says due to stress. I think to look better for the younger woman.

 

Tears, i frequently saw him cry over how bad his life with me was and how he was 'going through stuff' but whenever i tried to find out what was wrong he blamed me.

 

Blaming me - every discussion we had turned into why it was all my fault he was unhappy - and later how it was my fault he had the affair.

 

Wanting a break. Supposedly to clear his head? !

 

Bringing her here - i am still in shock over that one. He brought her here so i could do her nails!

 

Lies lies and more lies - every other word out of his mouth is bull. Until 2 days before i saw phone accounts he was still telling me he hadn't text her!

 

I could go on and on and on but they're the main things.

x

[BetrayedH]

The phone. We fought over how much she attended to "work" while she was at home, especially considering how much more time she was already spending "at work."

 

Sexual frequency suddenly changing to twice a week after a 7-year drought.

 

Shorter skirts. Higher heels.

 

And she talked me about her AP (her boss) in glowing terms. I remember once saying to her that if I didn't know better, I'd think she was having an affair with him. She laughed and said that I'd obviously never met him as he was balding with glasses and obviously not her type.

 

It wasn't until she said we might need to separate (out of the blue) that I started to wonder. We'd always been THE example of a happy and successful couple. Separating made no sense; our marital problems didn't merit a separation. That's when I started searching. I'm still pretty shocked at what I found.

[TheBladeRunner]

Long hours on the computer that lasted way into the night.

 

Protective of phone.

 

REALLY started treating me like crap.

 

I finally confronted her because she was supposedly playing a game on the computer on what was supposed to be our date night. She came clean after a few hours of grilling.

[Sadwife37]

I knew right from the start of the EA. My H changed and I could feel it. His phone, his anxiety, everything. I questioned him relentlessly. He denied, denied, denied. Convinced me I had GAD. I even sought help for my own anxiety and trust issues because I couldn't believe my loving H when I had no evidence! Even with all this going on I sat him down one day and made him watch a full Oprah show where she had guests that discovered the spouse's A and were talking about how they had missed the signs and chosen not to follow their gut feelings and believe the A was happening. I talked to my H after the show. I said I know that will be me. The truth will come out later and I will have confirmation that you were having an A this whole time. And lied to me and denied it. And I will be saying "see I was right all along, I always knew it". Yet I still stayed and tried to believe my H. I knew better - but I chose to trust him more than myself. And now here I am. A 3 yr A went on under my nose and I stayed and let it happen. I think we are suppose to try beyond all reason to trust our spouses. I was being an excellent W while my H was being a sh** head. It would NEVER happen again. Live and learn .

[Confused48]

I knew right from the start of the EA. My H changed and I could feel it. His phone, his anxiety, everything. I questioned him relentlessly. He denied, denied, denied. Convinced me I had GAD. I even sought help for my own anxiety and trust issues because I couldn't believe my loving H when I had no evidence! Even with all this going on I sat him down one day and made him watch a full Oprah show where she had guests that discovered the spouse's A and were talking about how they had missed the signs and chosen not to follow their gut feelings and believe the A was happening. I talked to my H after the show. I said I know that will be me. The truth will come out later and I will have confirmation that you were having an A this whole time. And lied to me and denied it. And I will be saying "see I was right all along, I always knew it". Yet I still stayed and tried to believe my H. I knew better - but I chose to trust him more than myself. And now here I am. A 3 yr A went on under my nose and I stayed and let it happen. I think we are suppose to try beyond all reason to trust our spouses. I was being an excellent W while my H was being a sh** head. It would NEVER happen again. Live and learn .

 

Holy Cow! That is terrible, I'm so sorry to hear this happened like that to you. You story has to take the cake on this thread.

[ComingInHot]

H's password protected phone. Working reeeeally late. He really amped up w/the arguments.

I was so busy defending myself over nothing and trying to perfect (even More perfect than I already AM!) that I just Missed anything and everything.

 

Of course Now when he loses his temper, I immediately think, oh he's cheating again...

 

It's just SO Sucky!!

[Sadwife37]

As painful as DDay was and as bad as the last 18 months has been, finding out the truth about his A was a huge relief. I finally had confirmation that I wasn't the crazy one and knew I was right to have been suspicious. It wasn't in my head. I had huge doubts about myself.

[Spark1111]

H's password protected phone. Working reeeeally late. He really amped up w/the arguments.

I was so busy defending myself over nothing and trying to perfect (even More perfect than I already AM!) that I just Missed anything and everything.

 

Of course Now when he loses his temper, I immediately think, oh he's cheating again...

 

It's just SO Sucky!!

 

Not to t/j here.....BUT, I told my H if that arrogant, nasty, temper-losing, fault-finding guy EVER reappeared, I would not be able to stay with him as it would trigger me back to his affair.

 

And I meant it.

 

It is my LINE IN THE SAND to ALWAYS give and expect the kindness and respect a marital relationship deserves.

 

Inititally, he would ask, "What?! I can't express a feeling?"

 

My reply? "No, not like that AND NOT at me and NOT with that tone of voice, ever. I am not your mother, I am your wife, and I with hear of your frustrations, but will NEVER bear the brunt of them again."

 

CIH, you should do the same, IMO.

[Spark1111]

The phone. We fought over how much she attended to "work" while she was at home, especially considering how much more time she was already spending "at work."

 

Sexual frequency suddenly changing to twice a week after a 7-year drought.

 

Shorter skirts. Higher heels.

 

And she talked me about her AP (her boss) in glowing terms. I remember once saying to her that if I didn't know better, I'd think she was having an affair with him. She laughed and said that I'd obviously never met him as he was balding with glasses and obviously not her type.

 

It wasn't until she said we might need to separate (out of the blue) that I started to wonder. We'd always been THE example of a happy and successful couple. Separating made no sense; our marital problems didn't merit a separation. That's when I started searching. I'm still pretty shocked at what I found.

 

This is one of the earliest signs....they talk of someone in glowing terms....and then never mention them again.

 

In fact, if you ask, they act as if they can vaguely place them or remember who they even are, or downright lie.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

It seems to me that one of the most common things that a BS ignores is the WS being secretive about their phone. I did it. Plus more. I ignored that WS was excitedly talking about the AP,,, to me! I ignored missing time, missing money, extra gifts. I feel so stupid, in retrospect. I know I'm not stupid. Just a normal trusting person. But you BS know what I mean. How could we miss these warning signals?

 

We are not to blame. We should not have had to think about why our partner was being secretive with their phone. But now that we know what they did and what we missed as warning signs, well, I for one think, CRAP! I should have seen that was not right! You too? What in hindsight do you now see that you wish you had not ignored?

 

My wife's affair started in 1999. The technology wasn't as ubiquitous then as it is now. The only trace I could've found was caller ID on her cell which wasn't used that much. Most of their communication was done at work or in person. I was traveling during the week finishing up Y2K projects (remember that doomsday?) so I was at a disadvantage all around.

 

When I was home she picked up extra shifts. When we were together she was cold, distant, and bitchy for no apparent reason.

 

After the affair ended there were phrases that she threw out that made me go "Huh?", but it now makes sense looking back at it.

[Confused48]

Not to t/j here.....BUT, I told my H if that arrogant, nasty, temper-losing, fault-finding guy EVER reappeared, I would not be able to stay with him as it would trigger me back to his affair.

 

A great TJ. I love it. Sometimes a TJ is just what we need.

[Confused48]

One thing I forgot, pubic hair. A sudden desire to make sure the pubic hair was in fashion. Ugh. Like I would care after being together for 14 years. Now suddenly I'd care if the pubic hair was trimmed neatly or not?!

[Furious]

Well, if only my husband had started wearing white shoes and thick gold chains it would have been so obvious.

 

In my situation the signs were very subtle and explainable due to stress at work and everyday life. Also his affair was long distance and other than the two or three days every 4 to 6 weeks he travelled for work he was home in the evenings and we socialized as usual on the weekends.

 

In hindsight I see the slow progression of his increased moodiness and then shifting back to his regular self, much like a see saw and this was what was bothering me as it was hard to deal with his shifting attitude. I also look back and see how he'd pick arguments over silly things just before his business trips. I see that he subconsciously wanted to leave on his trips ticked off at me as a way to justify his cheating.

[Coolit]

Before i was cheating on my husband, I did a lot of these things. I hid my cell phone messages because I was getting advice from a gf on how to get him to want me again. I lost baby weight and as a result got a new wardrobe. I started working out. I started landscaping down there. In my situation they were all to seduce my husband.

 

So, hindsight really is 20/20. You can say you should have known. And sometimes the signs seem like they were staring you in the face. But they may have another reason. And you may Have told yourself that. So, no one should feel stupid or angry with themselves.

[Confused48]

Before i was cheating on my husband, I did a lot of these things. I hid my cell phone messages because I was getting advice from a gf on how to get him to want me again. I lost baby weight and as a result got a new wardrobe. I started working out. I started landscaping down there. In my situation they were all to seduce my husband.

 

So, hindsight really is 20/20. You can say you should have known. And sometimes the signs seem like they were staring you in the face. But they may have another reason. And you may Have told yourself that. So, no one should feel stupid or angry with themselves.

 

Thank you Coolit. This is so generous of you to share this viewpoint. I never thought of it this way and it gives me comfort. I know now that my WS was not doing these things for me but it helps me feel less stupid to see that it was not wrong to assume that it was for my benefit or at least harmless.

[Spark1111]

One thing I forgot, pubic hair. A sudden desire to make sure the pubic hair was in fashion. Ugh. Like I would care after being together for 14 years. Now suddenly I'd care if the pubic hair was trimmed neatly or not?!

 

I like to empower people, especially those who feel so powerless.

 

After DDay, when all the sign and signal came flooding into my brain, and I felt like the stupidest person on the planet......

 

I dyed my hair platinum, started hitting the gym, bought thong underwear and lace bras, and shaved it all away down there. (Sorry if that is TMI )

 

I was never home as I had signed up for a dance class, art class, yoga and a creative writing class, all of which I attended after my full-time job. I volunteered as a Red Cross volunteer to be tapped if needed in Emergency Relief in Disasters.

 

HIS HEAD SPUN and he grew convinced I had a BF, and he pursued me as if his life depended on in it. It did.

 

The wifey he stopped seeing during his affair, died on DDay. Empower yourselves. Do whatever it takes.

 

Some people only appreciate what they had when it is line dancing out the door or grow unpredictable.

 

Today, he worries about what I AM UP to, who I am texting on my phone, the new younger boss at work.

 

I say GOOD!

[Wellington]

This is going to sound arrogant, but I honestly don't mean for it to.

 

My H (now separated) is not a very good looking guy. He is kind of shy and a total homebody. I NEVER thought he would have an affair on me. #1. He wasn't the type #2. He's not all that attractive so I thought I was "safe". It's not like he was a "Brad Pitt" type going to the office and having women fall over him. #3. People told him flat out how lucky he was to have me.

 

I started noticing the phone. Locked and Always having to take calls outside because "reception was bad inside". Or sitting in his vehicle talking. Shutting windows down quickly on the computer when I would walk into the room. Withdrawing and sleeping more. Excuses to get out of the house. Suddenly working late/different hours. More out of town business trips. New clothes, expensive underwear.

 

When I found out about all of it, I was shocked to see that he was having an affair with someone who looked ALOT like me!!

[Ninja'sHusband]

Her staying out later, past midnight. I'd be in my studio playing games when she was out. I remember getting up and looking for her, no car in the garage, no sign of her anywhere. I come out 10 minutes later and there she'd be. I'd say something and the response would be, "I've been here for ages!" whu??

 

I can remember calling her and she wouldn't answer, so I asked for one of her friend's phone number in case her phone was out of juice or inaudible in her purse. She got TOTALLY freaked out. That was a huge warning sign.

 

The month she started the affair, she was going 3 weekends out of 4 to various conferences.

 

She talked about OM constantly.

 

OM drove her to a conference where she stayed in some dorms with a girlfriend of hers. I remember how nervous she was when she explained to me that he was married with kids and there was nothing to be afraid of...

 

She also shaved down there and bought sexy underwear, but I don't really think those were signs because she had been doing that long before the affair.

 

What did freak me out was at point she would get all dolled up to go to a martial arts class...and wear sexy underwear sometimes. Really? And you are just going to change into a Hakama when you get there? I know the affair didn't start back then because of private conversations I've read...but it might have been a sign she was thinking about wooing this guy long before anything actually happened. I dunno. She stopped doing that after I complained about it, all before the affair.

 

Another big sign that she wasn't really serious: she didn't wear her ring very consistently at all. This had been going on for most of our marriage, but I wasn't the type to check up on it except after the affair. I also had noticed it 7 years prior when she had in indiscretion with another guy...but stopped paying attention after we had supposedly fixed our marriage via counseling.

[NewSouth]

My WS affair was before smartphones, hell, it was before email. But even cavemen probably had signs.

 

Back in the day it was:

Not being home when I called, when normally you would be (I traveled a lot). Then saying you were hanging out with a friend.

 

Talking about how great some people were.

 

Badmouthing other wayward women. I think we call that projection.

 

Drinks with the girls after work, while I'm working a 100 miles away.

 

Love is blind.

[Spark1111]

My WS affair was before smartphones, hell, it was before email. But even cavemen probably had signs.

 

Back in the day it was:

Not being home when I called, when normally you would be (I traveled a lot). Then saying you were hanging out with a friend.

 

Talking about how great some people were.

 

Badmouthing other wayward women. I think we call that projection.

 

Drinks with the girls after work, while I'm working a 100 miles away.

 

Love is blind.

 

Yes it is, but I think it is suppose to be.

[NewSouth]

Spark,

 

I said: Love is blind.

You said: Yes it is, but I think it is suppose to be.

 

I agree in principle, and we could open a whole new thread.

 

The blindness should be acceptance of imperfection. Our imperfections are evidence of our humanity.

 

I will substitute "clueless" for blindness. I don't think we should be clueless, and I was as clueless as you can get. Even Hansel and Gretel knew the breadcrumbs had meaning.