FreeMe Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. We were very happy in the beginning, but I feel that we're incompatible. We have so many differences. We don't like the same things. I feel like we will always disappoint each other. This doesn't bother him. He says he's happy, but I don't feel like I can be myself - and the more I am myself, the more I feel I disappoint him. Still doesn't bother him. I've tried to break up and I just can't. I can't stand the thought of him heartbroken. I'm miserable at the thought of it. I can't end it with him if he's saying he's happy. I'm not strong enough to see this through. I can't hurt him. I don't know what to do. Stay and be unhappy? or end it and live with guilt and misery? I'm a mess.
tiki Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Why did you guys start dating if he didn't like 'who you were'. Obviously, he DID. If you're that unhappy, pack it up and go. And be yourself...never stray from that!
Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 If you're not happy, it's better to end it. I mean, think about what it's doing to him. I would hate the thought that someone is staying with me but they're unhappy with the relationship. I want someone to be with me because they WANT to be with me, not because they feel sorry for me. No one wants that. Basically, what you're doing is wasting time that he could be spending finding someone who does want to be with him. It's a different way to look at it, I know. But it makes sense. Now think about what it's doing for you. You're unhappy, can't be yourself. If you can't be yourself in a relationship, then why be in it? No one wants to feel like that either. If you want to end it, end it. A relationship isn't built on pity, it's built on mutual feelings and respect.
tiki Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 - There are plenty of men out there who will let you be you.
Author FreeMe Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Thanks. tiki - We got together because of a really strong attraction - I guess opposites do attract. And he wasn't such a die-hard about things then. Now if he mentions doing something and I'm not thrilled, he's disppointed and feels like I ruined his fun. Yeah, I could fake it and pretend to want to do it, but then I'm not being myself. Jilly - that is a good way to look at it. It's hard because part of me wants to be with him because I do love him, but part of me feels like I have to settle for certain things with him.
Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Everyone has flaws, it just depends on whether you can live with it or not. If you feel as if you're settling, then I think that's your heart telling you that you don't belong together. You should never settle for what you think is second best. If you think he's second best, then go find the first best for you!
Scott S Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by FreeMe I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. We were very happy in the beginning, but I feel that we're incompatible. We have so many differences. We don't like the same things. I feel like we will always disappoint each other. This doesn't bother him. He says he's happy, but I don't feel like I can be myself - and the more I am myself, the more I feel I disappoint him. Still doesn't bother him. So what exactly does he say about all this? Not what you think he feels, not the "vibes," but what, if anything has he actually SAID to you? Have you considered the possibility that he likes you for who you are, & not what things you like, etc? While I concede that having common interests help make a better relationship, I would stop short of saying that it's required. Of course, if you feel that unhappy in the relationship & really wish to end it, then you do owe him the courtesy of telling him, rather than stringing him along. _____________________ What if people stopped throwing rice at weddings, and threw potatoes instead?
Author FreeMe Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 I don't mind flaws, but he doesn't approve of things I do - even though he claims that's not true. If I get dressed in the morning, don't like the way I look, and change, he'll tell me I'm too concerned with looks and I'm vain. Whether I'm comfortable or not doesn't seem to matter. So I find myself trying to get dressed before he gets out of the shower so if I change he never knew the difference. Or recently I bought some moisturizer for my face and he thought that was also because I'm vain. He doesn't like the way I handle money either. His philosophy is if you have any debt then you don't spend anything at all until the debt is gone. So I don't even like him to know if I've bought myself a damn t-shirt (even though I pay my bills and it's not his business anyway) because he doesn't approve. On the other hand, he's a good guy. He's not mean about those things, but it makes me uncomfortable and inhibits me. That may be my fault totally and probably is. But if I wasn't with someone so fundamentally different, then I wouldn't be doing that to myself.
Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Have you told him that you feel this way. I mean, if he's a great guy and cares about you, then I'm sure he can stop saying negative things like that.
Author FreeMe Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Scott - what he says and what he says are two different things. What I mean is - he SAYS he likes our differences and says he likes me for me, but then every little thing I do he questions. Why does he even care that I changed my shirt? what difference does it make? If he really liked me for me why question or criticize everything I do. I have to defend taking care of myself. If he mentions going to a concert of someone I really don't like, and I'm not enthusiastic about it, I "ruined" it for him. Why does he WANT to stay with someone who ruins things for him? We would have those problems a lot less if we had more in common. I think.
Author FreeMe Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Jilly - yes it's got to the point where I get really angry when he does it. That's what I mean - fundamental difference - looks ARE more important to me than they are to him. That's why I don't think either of us can change those basics and shouldn't have to. And he says I don't have to change, but he continues to tell me that I'm too concerned with looks to where I "sneak" to put on lipstick! It's ridiculous.
tiki Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by FreeMe to where I "sneak" to put on lipstick! That IS ridiculous. Lose him!
Author FreeMe Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 I won't "sneak" anymore. But every time I do it, he rolls his eyes. I'm having a really hard time. He's saying he'll just walk away, but I am so tempted to tell him I'll try making it work for a little longer. I hate this. I hate hurting him. He gave up a lot for me and I feel responsible.
Scott S Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by FreeMe I've tried to break up and I just can't. I can't stand the thought of him heartbroken. I'm miserable at the thought of it. I can't end it with him if he's saying he's happy. I'm not strong enough to see this through. I can't hurt him. I don't know what to do. Stay and be unhappy? or end it and live with guilt and misery? I'm a mess. Maybe a break or time-out from the relationship is in order. A trial separation of sorts. You each need the time & emotional space to sort out your individual issues that are causing the couple's issues. It also gives you a taste of life without the other, & perhaps a better idea as to whether that's what you really want. ____________________ How is it that the senior citizens who can simultaneously keep up with 20 Bingo cards cannot understand a simple punch-card ballot?
Author FreeMe Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by Scott S Maybe a break or time-out from the relationship is in order. A trial separation of sorts. You each need the time & emotional space to sort out your individual issues that are causing the couple's issues. It also gives you a taste of life without the other, & perhaps a better idea as to whether that's what you really want. That would probably be the best thing, but he either has to find an apartment right now or move in with me. I hate for him to have to sign a year lease when I'm not sure. He's also saying he's not going to go back and forth with this.
Scott S Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 Originally posted by FreeMe That would probably be the best thing, but he either has to find an apartment right now or move in with me. I hate for him to have to sign a year lease when I'm not sure. He's also saying he's not going to go back and forth with this. I would say that his finding his own apartment may be in order either way, as it appears this relationship will not last much longer in its current state. In order for the aforementioned break to be useful, you would likey require a time period of at least 6 months. This time would not necessarily be NC, but it appears you both need some emotional distance for now. Physical distance makes this more likely. Of course, this is something you need to decide for yourselves. I hope you both have a long discussion soon.
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