What do you think about being friends?

[Stay]

Ok so this is complicated in many ways.. 6-7 years together and she called it off around 3-4 months ago. The issue was we live together and can't immediately move out until now. The reason was she didn't feel I loved her, I didn't show enough affection but in reality deep down I love her very much. I just have issues showing it at times. She sometimes compares our relationships to others but I tell her all the time you don't really know what happens behind closed doors, etc. You just need to focus on your own relationship and find what you want.

 

She thinks we're too comfortable around each other and she feels like that's the reason why this is happening, etc.

 

So it might have been a mistake to not get out of it right away but we've pushed through it.. There were times where we would talk and sometimes get upset at each other after the breakup but I always made sure to have her understand. She asked to be friends in the beginning but I didn't agree but after thinking about it I feel as if showing her a great time will give her something to regain those feelings again. She also told he she felt like she lost feelings for me, but deep down sometimes her actions tell me otherwise. So here I am moving out soon... I don't contact her unless she texts me or something.. I just believe she needs her space to really understand what she wants.. if she wants to hang out then fine, I'll just be myself and have fun with her. The other day we were just having fun and talking, joking, etc. then I was getting ready for work and getting ready to leave she put her arms out to hug me and we had that "look" in each other's eyes... I could tell she was truly happy at that moment and wanted to give me a kiss but she didn't and just rubbed my cheeks instead.

 

I don't know where this is going, I'm sorta prepared for the worst and also at this point it's less emotional and more thinking involved in decisions. I just think it's best to allow her time to evaluate things and then we'll see where it goes, she clearly knows what I would like so I'll can leave it at that. We don't see each other much except at the end of the day so we somewhat still see each other everyday. That maybe is why this hasn't been a reality check yet. I expect as soon as the move out happen it'll start to get clearer of the direction? What do you think about keeping this as happy friends at the moment? Enjoying time together, no doubt she enjoys her time around me and the same for me too. It's not like she hates my guts and I hate hers.. Over our relationship we had some crazy moments but we have learned and grown from that. She sometimes get upset over that but I tell her it's all just a learning process. Nothing's going to be perfect. Anyways what do you think about us just going with the flow?

[carhill]

With an eye on your best male friend, describe to me what about your interactions with her compare. Think about all the aspects of your friendship with your best male friend and apply them to her.

 

As I often say, if my exW and I were friends we'd likely still be married. Compared to my best male friend, she's less than zero and I don't doubt the feeling is mutual. Good luck.

[ladyhawk553594]

Wow that sounds like a really stressful situation and I feel for you! I think it's great that you guys are able to be cordial and even seem to have a good time together. But I think you have a point when you say that reality hasn't sunk in for her yet since you haven't moved out. Because she hasn't been able to truly experience life without you, she may have the best of both worlds; she gets to see and talk to you when she wants and then ignore you if things aren't going her way. I'm not saying she's intentionally doing this, but it might be why those fleeting moments of happiness come and go so fast. Once she is actually able to feel what it's like to be broke up with you, with no contact( or minimal at best), she will realize what she needs. Good luck!

[Stay]

I'm not sure what you mean by she's a zero with your best friend.

 

But to put things in perspective.. I get flirty at times to test the waters and she doesn't really take it negatively. The way we talk was still just like before when we were dating.. Obviously not 100% but it's not friend like i'd say. The way she cares.. not friend like but I'm not going to look into that too much since she's just very caring.

 

I just feel like we started at friends, she liked me for the person I was, if I take it back and put it in perspective that it is really like that then maybe she'll regain those feelings? Be the person she fell in love with pretty much.

[Stay]

Wow that sounds like a really stressful situation and I feel for you! I think it's great that you guys are able to be cordial and even seem to have a good time together. But I think you have a point when you say that reality hasn't sunk in for her yet since you haven't moved out. Because she hasn't been able to truly experience life without you, she may have the best of both worlds; she gets to see and talk to you when she wants and then ignore you if things aren't going her way. I'm not saying she's intentionally doing this, but it might be why those fleeting moments of happiness come and go so fast. Once she is actually able to feel what it's like to be broke up with you, with no contact( or minimal at best), she will realize what she needs. Good luck!

 

 

What are your perspectives on remaining friends at least until we both get a really clear view on things. I want to remain friends to allow her to see it's not really like that in reality. She's afraid of jumping back in it to have me change back to being not affectionate, etc. afraid of hurting again, and hurting me.. Right now it's more of a fear and being unsure of things.

 

Lately she's been sad because the reality of moving the stuff from the place.. I'll talk to her a bit and comfort her and just enjoy my time with her, she'll laugh and have fun once I get her a little eased off of the situation.

 

And believe me it hasn't been the easiest 3-4 months.. With school and this, it's very stressful. But I believe with everything that's worth it in life it doesn't come easy.

 

I'll do no contact but I don't want to ignore her completely. If she asks me to hang out or texts me something I'll usually reply. I know no contact mean completely cut off but is little contact ok? Just to respond? And maybe a small meet up sometimes?

Edited May 19, 2013 by Stay

[ladyhawk553594]

I think remaining supportive and making her feel secure are very important, but don't over do it to the extent that it pushes her away. Reassure her of your security in the relationship, but don't make her feel like she has those insecurities. Know what I mean?

 

I know things aren't easy and probably won't be until things are somehow resolved. If this relationship is worth salvaging, it'll be such a relief when things work out. But realize that things could also go sour, prepare yourself for the worst so that in case things do go well it'll be a pleasant surprise.

 

I have the same problem responding to my ex, I can't help it. I would just suggest being brief, don't talk to her like you did when you guys were going out. Still be nice! Just not in the same way. Meeting up should only be to talk about your relationship so I'd make sure those are her intentions. Otherwise it's just her again getting to see you on her terms, which doesn't do any good for you.

[Stay]

I'm sorta not expecting much especially since we literally spent 3-4 months living together without any sort of reconciling, except maybe a bit but it still isn't the best idea when your mind isn't straight.

 

It'll be something to experience.. At this point I'm somewhat over that initial shock and hurt and right now I feel like I'm starting to let go and not be so emotional, I don't know how to explain it.. It's a weird feeling.. like you don't care but deep down you really do. It's a feeling like, "I'll be ok in the end"

[BC1980]

I totally understand. My ex and I were the best of friends (together 3 yrs.). We really hit it off in the beginning and talked everyday. I have such difficulty not sharing my life with him anymore. It's so hard to just say you will never talk to this person again after so much time invested.

 

But I will say it is emotionally awful to attempt to be friends. It is a constant reminder that you are not together. It delays the healing and moving on process. You are playing with fire emotionally, so you have to go in knowing how it might affect you if you want to be friends.

 

In a perfect world, I would say no to friendship. It's awfully hard though.

[Stay]

I totally understand. My ex and I were the best of friends (together 3 yrs.). We really hit it off in the beginning and talked everyday. I have such difficulty not sharing my life with him anymore. It's so hard to just say you will never talk to this person again after so much time invested.

 

But I will say it is emotionally awful to attempt to be friends. It is a constant reminder that you are not together. It delays the healing and moving on process. You are playing with fire emotionally, so you have to go in knowing how it might affect you if you want to be friends.

 

In a perfect world, I would say no to friendship. It's awfully hard though.

 

Did your ex ever wished it was how it was?

 

Mine says she wants to feel like that again but it just doesn't feel the same. This is the reason why I think some time apart will be good and being friends will allow her to slowly feel like how she did again or not since I'm not really going to shoot myself down like that by expecting things.

[Stay]

Any other opinions if this is a good idea?

[Stay]

Not friends to be friends but friends of possible reconciling? I feel like this is such a small issue and there are things still there. I know I cannot be just friends in the end but hopefully it'll allow her to re-date me I guess you can say?

[aisuru]

Not friends to be friends but friends of possible reconciling? I feel like this is such a small issue and there are things still there. I know I cannot be just friends in the end but hopefully it'll allow her to re-date me I guess you can say?

 

Take six month break of no contact and then give this some thought.

[Stay]

I will... Technically we've been apart for ~3 months but still live together but moving out soon, within a week.. I just feel like it hasn't hit her as hard as it has hit me since we haven't really physically been apart. Anyways counting these 3 months or should I start counting when we're not living together anymore?

 

I would guess starting when we're not living together since you said NC.

[aisuru]

I will... Technically we've been apart for ~3 months but still live together but moving out soon, within a week.. I just feel like it hasn't hit her as hard as it has hit me since we haven't really physically been apart. Anyways counting these 3 months or should I start counting when we're not living together anymore?

 

I would guess starting when we're not living together since you said NC.

 

EXACTLY. Right now you're in limbo and have been in contact. Probably still sleeping in the same bed, living as friends. No sexual fire.

 

Yep, take six months after you're in your own places and then give it some thought. You might be surprised at where you're at by then.

[Stay]

EXACTLY. Right now you're in limbo and have been in contact. Probably still sleeping in the same bed, living as friends. No sexual fire.

 

Yep, take six months after you're in your own places and then give it some thought. You might be surprised at where you're at by then.

 

Surprised by where I'm at, I'm guessing as in moving on and not even thinking about this anymore?

[aisuru]

Surprised by where I'm at, I'm guessing as in moving on and not even thinking about this anymore?

 

YUP. Be prepared that she has been processing this even while you're living together.

 

Not what you want to hear I know. And I know I don't know your whole story. Just be prepared.

 

Hence six months. It allows the dust to settle and a more honest look at feelings, on the part of both people.

[Stay]

YUP. Be prepared that she has been processing this even while you're living together.

 

Not what you want to hear I know. And I know I don't know your whole story. Just be prepared.

 

Hence six months. It allows the dust to settle and a more honest look at feelings, on the part of both people.

 

Yea idk, maybe she has been. All I can say is there are times she tells me she has those feelings and they feel great but she's afraid of being hurt again. That's why I feel like that is the reason her feelings aren't coming to her naturally because she has her guard up. She also tells me she would really like to feel like that but it just isn't there.. This alone is the reason why I will allow her space to really feel what she feels and only then we can decide. I will let things settle and we'll see where it goes.

[SNH1993]

Take this as my warning, I am still friends(with benefits at times) with my ex gf and so far i have not getten what i have hoped for. It's been about a month and a half since the break up and while we have good moments like when we first met at times the outcome hasn't changed yet. Last night for example, was very emotional for her and it felt like we connected like we did when we first met each oher, but her intentions as of right now are to move to another city for school. Whether that happens or not, i won't know until that day comes but if you want to stay friends just realize it's going to be a long ride with many ups and downs along the way. I've been advised to go no contact several times, but I(like you) didn't want to take that advice and so far all i've gotten is mixed signals.

[grace777]

During this time of being friends, you have to be ready for the fact that she may date other people. Are you okay with that? I can't imagine you would be. No contact will allow you both to process the loss of the relationship and to take care of yourselves...to move on.

 

However, I'm no big advocate for NC. I did it for two months after my breakup, but now we're in low contact. I will say there have been many games and twisted feelings along the way. I'm not sure my way was/is the best choice...then again, NC didn't feel like a good choice for my situation either. I only did it for the two months because it was tearing me apart to be talk to her and not be with her.

 

Just be prepared for the dating scenario. It's a very likely possibility.

[aisuru]

Yea idk, maybe she has been. All I can say is there are times she tells me she has those feelings and they feel great but she's afraid of being hurt again. That's why I feel like that is the reason her feelings aren't coming to her naturally because she has her guard up. She also tells me she would really like to feel like that but it just isn't there.. This alone is the reason why I will allow her space to really feel what she feels and only then we can decide. I will let things settle and we'll see where it goes.

 

 

Well... I can tell you this. My 2 favorite breakups, ie. best and most painless for me, were the 2 where I lived with the guys and spent the last six months dealing with the fact that our relationships were over and my feelings were dying.

 

I very easily walked away from both.

 

One was the end of an almost 6 year relationship and one was a two year relationship that was I should've left as a rebound off the other one. The first one proposed to me two months after we moved into our own places. I remember standing there staring at him in disbelief because I'd wanted that for years. Obviously I said no. Too much water under the bridge.

 

So that's why I say be prepared... You're just not as privy to her honest thoughts and feelings at this point.

 

I am friends with both now, but I don't go out of my way to see or speak with either one. Both would like to resume something with me to this day.

[Stay]

Well... I can tell you this. My 2 favorite breakups, ie. best and most painless for me, were the 2 where I lived with the guys and spent the last six months dealing with the fact that our relationships were over and my feelings were dying.

 

I very easily walked away from both.

 

One was the end of an almost 6 year relationship and one was a two year relationship that was I should've left as a rebound off the other one. The first one proposed to me two months after we moved into our own places. I remember standing there staring at him in disbelief because I'd wanted that for years. Obviously I said no. Too much water under the bridge.

 

So that's why I say be prepared... You're just not as privy to her honest thoughts and feelings at this point.

 

I am friends with both now, but I don't go out of my way to see or speak with either one. Both would like to resume something with me to this day.

 

What were the reason for those breakups? I feel like my breakup wasn't that drastic as in something that is not fixable but it did hurt her enough to make her feel how she shouldn't feel.

 

I know I probably made it worst by living with her for a while but that's all I could do, living situation wise. Also the past few weeks as things started to be moved she has gotten sad.. I obviously talked to her and she said she's sad because of realization of it actually happening. I'm not looking into that too much since it could just be nothing but it at least it will get her into reality of what's happening.

[aisuru]

What were the reason for those breakups? I feel like my breakup wasn't that drastic as in something that is not fixable but it did hurt her enough to make her feel how she shouldn't feel.

 

I know I probably made it worst by living with her for a while but that's all I could do, living situation wise. Also the past few weeks as things started to be moved she has gotten sad.. I obviously talked to her and she said she's sad because of realization of it actually happening. I'm not looking into that too much since it could just be nothing but it at least it will get her into reality of what's happening.

 

The first one, we just never should have been together in the first place. We were the best of friends, had the same life values, got along well, had shared and different interest, but had ZERO sexual attraction (though we actually had a pretty good sexual relationship). Not kidding. We even went to couples therapy to discuss it. In the end, I left because he was slowly becoming a big fat mooch in his passive aggressive way of wanting out of the relationship as well. He was being lazy and my career was taking off. I came to resent him and one day I was just done.

 

The second one... oye, where do I begin. He should've remained as my rebound. He and I had the one thing I didn't have in the previous relationship. He was a very attractive guy. Unfortunately, I discovered he had a gaggle of girls who he enjoyed hanging out with all the time while I was at work or traveling for work. When I came home to he, 3 girls in bikinis, and a pile of blow on my coffee table, I think it's safe to say that was the beginning of the end. Hard to have somebody in your bed you can't trust.

 

So yeah.. both had squabbles and fighting off and on the last year. I should've cut my losses with both much sooner, but I just wasn't ready. So I mourned the relationships while still living with them.

[Stay]

The first one, we just never should have been together in the first place. We were the best of friends, had the same life values, got along well, had shared and different interest, but had ZERO sexual attraction (though we actually had a pretty good sexual relationship). Not kidding. We even went to couples therapy to discuss it. In the end, I left because he was slowly becoming a big fat mooch in his passive aggressive way of wanting out of the relationship as well. He was being lazy and my career was taking off. I came to resent him and one day I was just done.

 

The second one... oye, where do I begin. He should've remained as my rebound. He and I had the one thing I didn't have in the previous relationship. He was a very attractive guy. Unfortunately, I discovered he had a gaggle of girls who he enjoyed hanging out with all the time while I was at work or traveling for work. When I came home to he, 3 girls in bikinis, and a pile of blow on my coffee table, I think it's safe to say that was the beginning of the end. Hard to have somebody in your bed you can't trust.

 

So yeah.. both had squabbles and fighting off and on the last year. I should've cut my losses with both much sooner, but I just wasn't ready. So I mourned the relationships while still living with them.

 

 

Wow tough times there.

 

My relationship has its time of rough patches.. crazy arguments and sometimes nonsense ones too in the beginning but we both learned and grew from it. I felt we were learning and growing together.. and that was the case. We share very similar life goals and interest.. Almost too similar it's scary at times. The only issue was she is very affectionate and I'm very to myself sometimes.. I tend to keep things that probably should have been said inside. I'll think about things but never really say it to her.

 

She's a very affectionate person, shows me love physically, I show her love by doing things, cooking, etc.

 

She wants me to show her love by showing her affection, physical touch kinda love and sometimes I just don't notice that I don't do it. Too caught up in other things that I don't notice my bad habits with the person in front of me.

 

Idk it's rough, I feel like she's trying hard to move on.. She just came home actually and I asked her why she didn't want to sleep where the bed is at and she said "I gotta practice" I told her practice what and she said "Sleeping by myself"

[aisuru]

 

She's a very affectionate person, shows me love physically, I show her love by doing things, cooking, etc.

 

She wants me to show her love by showing her affection, physical touch kinda love and sometimes I just don't notice that I don't do it. Too caught up in other things that I don't notice my bad habits with the person in front of me.

 

Idk it's rough, I feel like she's trying hard to move on.. She just came home actually and I asked her why she didn't want to sleep where the bed is at and she said "I gotta practice" I told her practice what and she said "Sleeping by myself"

 

Don't mind me that I just laughed out loud!

 

I'm sorry. The same level of affectionate is soooo very important. I hear you on the fact that you show your love by doing. Unfortunately, women crave human touch. CRAVE IT. I know enough guys to know it doesn't always come natural to them.

 

My most recent ex was over the top with affection and doing things (he also loved to cook) In our early months, I would fuss about how he always wanted to be right on top of me on the couch or in bed. Drove me nuts sometimes! I sure do miss his foot rubs though.

 

Anyway... good luck man. It takes time.

[Stay]

Don't mind me that I just laughed out loud!

 

I'm sorry. The same level of affectionate is soooo very important. I hear you on the fact that you show your love by doing. Unfortunately, women crave human touch. CRAVE IT. I know enough guys to know it doesn't always come natural to them.

 

My most recent ex was over the top with affection and doing things (he also loved to cook) In our early months, I would fuss about how he always wanted to be right on top of me on the couch or in bed. Drove me nuts sometimes! I sure do miss his foot rubs though.

 

Anyway... good luck man. It takes time.

 

 

Yea I understand that the same level of affection is important and that's where I wished something woke me up sooner about that. I want to be able to fix it but unfortunately it's a little late. This is the reason why I feel like the relationship is bent and not broken. It's still there just needs to be resparked..

 

Tell me from your perspective, if you were in this situation and your SO just didn't give you that affection but wants to give that effort.. Will you consider it? I know it'll take patience and time but this will allow me to become a better person. It's not like I'm changing something I'm not, just forming into something I want to be.