Why does he feel like this? What's the best thing for me to do?

[ladyhawk553594]

Hey everybody! So my boyfriend of a little over a year broke up with me a couple days ago. This is our second time breaking up and it's pretty much for the same reasons as before. He feels we're too young (we're both 20) to be in this committed of a relationship and thinks that we both need time to be individuals, independent, and do some growing up without having a dependence on one another. I'm his first girlfriend,he's my first serious boyfriend, and therefore we're each other's first loves. I know I can't describe how wonderful this guy is, but believe me when I say he was being genuine and this isn't an excuse for him to fool around with whoever. He was crying before I even was, said he was scared of how addicted he is to me, and just feels like he needs to do this now instead of years down the road when it might feel like he missed out on some of those formative experiences. Just like the last time we broke up he mentioned the fact that he doesn't know what the future holds for us and that he hopes we can still be a part of each other's lives, while also emphasizing the fact that he doesn't want me to feel like I have to wait for him and that I deserve the absolute best. The only thing I think might be getting in the way are his parents. They got married very young and I have a strong feeling like they had an influence on this decision(My ex is very intimidated by his dad, which doesn't help). I was a little shocked from this and told him that I didn't want to say anything until I could gather my thoughts. So I texted him the next day saying that although it hurts, I think I understand where he's coming from and I told him that even though I didn't feel the same way, I was glad he was honest with me and that I hope he'll be able to find that freedom he's been searching for.

 

He was very relieved and grateful once he knew that I wasn't upset with him and that I wanted him to be happy. He is going to be out of town for the majority of the summer and told me that he'd still love to tell me about his vacation to Germany,wants to know how I'm doing in my summer classes, etc. I agreed to this because of course it feels like it'll make things easier. We both emphasized how much we mean to one another and that we don't want to lose each other as best friends. I know that we both need time apart and if my estimation is correct, he won't be contacting me for about 3 weeks if it's just to tell me about Germany.

 

The thing is, I'm really scared about this whole thing. I know that I would not get back together again unless we've been apart for an extensive period of time and he feels like he is ready for that commitment again. I just don't know if these little checking in conversations are just going allow him to move on while I'm still hopelessly in love with this guy or some variation of that scenario. I don't want to cut him out, and I know that I'm going to be trying my best to get over him during this time. I just don't know if I should be short and brief when replying to him or just tell him that I don't think I can do this right now. I sincerely want him to find whatever he's looking for and want him to know that, but I also know that I should be putting myself first which I'm not very good at doing. I just want to know if there's any possible way to be both minimally supportive with him and work on myself at the same time?

[Leigh 87]

Oh dear, I am SO sorry:( I also recently lost my first love, only at the age of 26.. He was still my first love, although I had a long term partner before him, as well as several high school boyfriends.

 

He also left me in a similar way: he said he still loved me very much and did not want to move on to other girls (and he did not think he would be ready for other girls, even to hook up with them, for ages).

 

So my guy left me, too, even though he said he still loved me as much as always. He said all the things your guy said to you! That he is crazy about me, he loves me as a person and that he has never met a girl like me before!

 

He wanted to be friends, to be super close friends, and to not just go and move onto other people yet, but to be "best friends"...:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: " rolls eyes"

He also said he can see himself with me in the future, and he does not want to let go 100% of me, as he may want to get back together. Did your guy say anything like that?

 

Now, I know we are not ready to cut ALL contact yet. I thought I was ready, but it turns out I still text and talk on the phone to my ex...

Here is the thing: EVERYONE on here will tell us that the BEST way and the ONLY way for us to move forward in our lives, is to cut out all contact with our exes.

 

 

 

And they are right.

 

 

 

It is also okay to accept that we are not quiet ready to cut our exes out entirely. As long as we realise that we WILL need to go NC to be happy. We need to CLEARLY see that NOT going NC will end up in future heartbreak.

 

Consider this....

 

- even if they love us and really adore us still, they left: they did not love us ENOUGH to stay with us

- talking to them will make us feel better initially, but will hurt us more than if we cut them off entirely

- talking to them WILL give us false hope, if they still act like they love us and miss us terribly, we will hold onto the hope that they will want us back

 

Just think... Yes talking to them makes us feel better, but unless they want us back, then it will only hurt us if we allow ourselves to talk to a man who WE are madly in love with, when they do not return the same feeling to us.

I AM NOT saying that these guys do no really love us! They do! They love us as much as they would love MOST women they dated...

 

The thing is, their love is not strong ENOUGH! Even though they DO love us and really love being with us, their love is simply not strong enough, otherwise they would not have left us.

 

.............................................

 

It is hard to find the very strongest, deepest type of love. And some people are not mature enough to fully experience it, which may be the case for our exes (mine was immature for his age!)

So don't get offended or upset that you were not the right girl for him.. it will be very hard for them to just find a girl who they love that little bit extra; enough to never leave them.

 

I am sure our exes love us, but it's just not enough, and we have to accept that and move on.

 

To move on, we cannot keep talking to them.

 

We are either WITH them, or we do not talk to them at all.

 

Anything in between WILL only upset us once we realise they are starting to move on, or worse; have met someone else.

[Leigh 87]

I am going through the same thing as you, so just pm me if you are struggling with things. I can not offer you stellar advice because I have not moved on and gotten over my ex yet. I can only offer support, because we are both heartbroken and feeling a lot of pain right now.

 

We both need to cut contact soon. You know deep down that talking to a guy your madly in love with will only break your heart again once he moves on to other girls.

 

I am close to cutting phone contact with my ex, and he left about 2 weeks ago.

 

They will not likely just move on anytime soon; but you know, after talking to us for a couple of months, they will start to change. We will have not let go of our love and have hope, where as they will VERY LIKELY be moving on, and eventually onto other women...