SadPanda22 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I was originally going to make a post about the fact that I have been having a difficult time lately, and that my recent breakup has stirred up a lot of emotions regarding my previous breakup (first love, together 8 years and not a healthy relationship). Before I had the chance to make that post, my previous ex emailed me. Mind you that we have been broken up for a little over a year (he dumped me), and I have been in NC ever since. He has contacted me several times over the last year, just saying things like “hey, I hope you’re doing okay” or “I hope school is going alright.” I treated these as meaningless breadcrumbs and never responded. I visited LS a lot during this time to keep me strong in NC. He has also contacted me on every single holiday. I believe the last time I heard from him was January 1st when he wished me a happy new year. I have NEVER responded to any of this. Regarding the email, it was a picture of his dog, with a message attached saying that he wanted to update me (about the dog), saying that the dog might still remember me, asking me if I wanted to see the dog and offering to bring the dog to a park nearby my place so I can see him. What the f.uck?? This makes absolutely no sense to me. Never once has my ex apologized to me (he was a f.ucking douche) or expressed any interest in reconciliation. He hasn’t told me that he misses me, that he made a mistake, that he regrets his decision…nothing of that sort. He just wants to know if I want to see his dog?? Really?! Yes, I love the dog. I went with my ex to adopt the dog, and he and his family referred to me as the dog’s mommy. I am a huge animal lover and it hurt me deeply to have to say goodbye to the dog because of the breakup. I wish that I could see the dog, but that would mean having to see my ex, and I just can’t do that. And even if I could just see the dog minus the ex…well that would make me upset too. He isn’t my dog and I don’t want to have to say goodbye to him a second time. Once was enough. Of course my ex would email me now of all times, when I am so emotionally vulnerable and having such a difficult time. It’s like he can sense my vulnerability. Ugh. This guy was/is my extremely unhealthy addiction, and even though he did not treat me right I still love the hell out of him (which I know says a lot more about me than him). I know that I am not supposed to care what he is thinking, what he’s doing, why he does what he does, and for awhile, I didn’t. But I care now. I shouldn’t and it’s stupid, but I care. Why contact me after a year of being broken up? I just don’t get it, and my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. There is still a part of me defending him, saying that he is just genuinely trying to be nice, he’s not really a bad guy, blah blah blah. I feel myself regressing and I am annoyed with myself and the whole situation. I really just needed to vent, but does anyone have any thoughts or opinions on this? Please feel free to talk some sense into me. I need it.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Ugh, I'm sorry. He's bored, probably wants to see you, but probably not really interested in "getting together." or might casually think he is. How do you feel about speaking with him or seeing him? If you don't want to do either, then just ignore him. At this point, you'll never hear an apology. I have a doucebag ex ex and I'll chat with him online some nights, but he'll never see all the things he did wrong and never apologize for them. That's why I won't see him in person. I just don't give two ****s about him.
Author SadPanda22 Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) Ugh, I'm sorry. He's bored, probably wants to see you, but probably not really interested in "getting together." or might casually think he is. How do you feel about speaking with him or seeing him? If you don't want to do either, then just ignore him. At this point, you'll never hear an apology. I have a doucebag ex ex and I'll chat with him online some nights, but he'll never see all the things he did wrong and never apologize for them. That's why I won't see him in person. I just don't give two ****s about him. Thanks for your response Yeah, he probably is just bored and wants to see what I am up to. Not really necessary to throw the dog into the mix. If he wants to see me I wish he would just say it. Communication was never his strong suit though. I don't really know how I feel about talking to him or seeing him. Part of me thinks it would just hurt too much, and the other half of me thinks that maybe it'll help let go of the anger I have towards him. I wish that I could forgive him so that I am not emotionally bound to him through my anger. I'm just confused. I've already ignored him for so long, so I guess for now I'll keep doing that. I would like an apology, but I don't ever expect to get one. He probably doesn't even think that the way he acted or treated me was wrong. Edited May 19, 2013 by SadPanda22 grammar mistake
Leigh 87 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Wow, I can see my ex doing the same thing! I LOVE his two dogs the same way I would love my own dogs. JUST as much. I hugged them every night in bed for over two years. Honestly? It would be because they are not seeing anyone else, have not found anyone better than you, and feel like seeing if anything is there between you again OR they would just want to be friends. They either want to see if there is any possibility of you getting back together because they have not found better out there, or they want just friends, or possibly friends with benefits. In your case, he will probably not say sorry, and if he wants to be more than friends with you, it would only be because he has no other options right now and NOT because he is terribly sorry and realises he made a mistake in how he treated you. 1
JustALittleBit Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I suspect your ex actually hasn't accepted that you are over... he probably doesn't believe that you are truly done with him yet. The amount he contacts you without a reply just suggests this to me, as does his casual manner and the lack of consideration as to how it ended/an apology etc... I think him continuing in this manner probably convinces himself that you guys are somewhat "ok" so he doesn't do any deeper reflection about your relationship. (Subconsciously he knows he was horrible, so to avoid dealing with it he keeps things very surface). I could be wrong but something to consider - and yes, some guys are psycho and actually WOULD kid themselves into thinking that despite the length of time. 1
Renard99 Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 I agree with JustALittleBit in that I feel he's feeling a little bit of guilt and continuing like everything's 'ok' between you. In some ways his perseverance suggests that he's trying to get the answer as to whether things are smooth between you. His way of saying 'Are you ok?' and when you don't answer, he waits and tries again. If you don't wish these little breadcrumbs to continue, now may be the best time to very briefly break NC and say that 'whilst it's kind of you to write to me, I feel that it's inappropriate and, from my point of view, a little unhealthy. Please could you refrain from contacting me further. Thank you'. 1
Author SadPanda22 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I suspect your ex actually hasn't accepted that you are over... he probably doesn't believe that you are truly done with him yet. The amount he contacts you without a reply just suggests this to me, as does his casual manner and the lack of consideration as to how it ended/an apology etc... I think him continuing in this manner probably convinces himself that you guys are somewhat "ok" so he doesn't do any deeper reflection about your relationship. (Subconsciously he knows he was horrible, so to avoid dealing with it he keeps things very surface). I could be wrong but something to consider - and yes, some guys are psycho and actually WOULD kid themselves into thinking that despite the length of time. Thank you so much for sharing your take on the situation It's odd that he would be the one having trouble accepting that our relationship is over, he is the one who dumped me after all. It seems like he honestly thought that I would still be there to indulge him, even after he tossed me aside like a worthless piece of trash. I would say that this was delusional thinking on his behalf, but it wasn’t. I allowed him to treat me poorly during our relationship, so he probably just assumed that I would allow that behavior to continue, regardless of our status as a couple. Maybe he wasn't prepared for me to cut him out of my life completely and immediately go NC. It must have been a shock to his system when his "doormat" disappeared and he had no where to wipe his feet. He's also the most self-absorbed person that I have ever met. I imagine that this whole situation has bruised his inflated ego. Ugh, I hate how bitter I am . I would like to be able to let this anger go and forgive him, but I don't know how. I feel like the act of forgiving him is equivalent to me saying, "hey, it's totally cool that you're a selfish ass who only cares about yourself. Way to go using and manipulating people and then throwing them away like garbage when you're done." Wow, well aren't I quite the Bitter Betty
It's Just Me Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Awesome that you're keeping with NC. You could add an email filter to your Gmail/Yahoo/whatever that will send his messages directly to the trash. Or, email him, just this once, and say: "Please stop contacting me. Thanks." 1
Author SadPanda22 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I agree with JustALittleBit in that I feel he's feeling a little bit of guilt and continuing like everything's 'ok' between you. In some ways his perseverance suggests that he's trying to get the answer as to whether things are smooth between you. His way of saying 'Are you ok?' and when you don't answer, he waits and tries again. If you don't wish these little breadcrumbs to continue, now may be the best time to very briefly break NC and say that 'whilst it's kind of you to write to me, I feel that it's inappropriate and, from my point of view, a little unhealthy. Please could you refrain from contacting me further. Thank you'. As he was breaking up with me I deleted all his contact information from my phone. I asked him to do the same with my contact information as I didn't want to hear from him anymore. He said that he would. Obviously he didn't listen to my request, and I am not surprised. I don't want to break NC to tell him to leave me alone, he won't listen anyway. I think there is a part of him that just can't believe that I don't want to speak with him.
Author SadPanda22 Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 Awesome that you're keeping with NC. You could add an email filter to your Gmail/Yahoo/whatever that will send his messages directly to the trash. Or, email him, just this once, and say: "Please stop contacting me. Thanks." Thank you Going NC was the most difficult thing that I ever had to do. I still struggle with it sometimes (not nearly as much as I did in the months immediately following the breakup), but it is what I need in order to heal. Kind of thought I'd be better off now that it is a year later though.
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