crimsoncurrent Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Stats: 3 and a half year relationship ended, 4 months of NC, 5 months since BU. Little over a week ago, I created a profile on a dating website, thinking about at least attempting to date again. There's been a couple of girls I've been able to text and set up plans with. But, as soon as the date approaches, I become completely unmotivated to follow through, bailing on them. I feel terrible, like I'm leading them on. Plus, I really haven't found too many girls that are my type on the site, which are usually the cutesy, weird, nerdy kind. I feel like I'll always be chasing water-downed versions of my ex, with other girls never being intelligent enough, funny enough, or passionate enough like she was. So, I'm just thinking about deleting my profile. I'm unsure if I'm emotionally ready to start dating again. Or, maybe I should just push through the unmotivated feelings. I don't know. Has anyone felt this way after a traumatic breakup? 2
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Have you met any of them? How is the rest of your life with activities? Maybe you're just not ready and that's okay. If you're getting out of the house through other activities and spend time with friends, there is no reason to force yourself through the dating motions right now. 2
rainmayker Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I actually haven't wanted to date anyone at all. That's not to say that I haven't met anyone worthwhile - I have met many cute girls who have been interested in pursuing a relationship with me. But I said 'no'. The breakup was too traumatizing for me and after a 3-year long relationship, I expected a much more poetic ending. Instead, she found some guy, talked to him all night long for 3 days straight, and dumped me. She didn't even WANT to work things out with me... sad, actually, because I was really into her and we were completely serious. At least, I was about us. GIGS, it seems. But I still dislike her and I dislike relationships in general right now. Although, I do miss the sex. On the bright side, once you are completely over her and you develop your self-confidence again, you will find that women will start flocking to you, anyway. I always end up with a girl when I least expect it, and when I don't even want it. Best of luck mate. 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 (edited) Have you met any of them? How is the rest of your life with activities? Maybe you're just not ready and that's okay. If you're getting out of the house through other activities and spend time with friends, there is no reason to force yourself through the dating motions right now. No, haven't met any of them. As for life in general, it's okay. I joined a gym, been a bit more active, eating better. I'd probably still need to get out a bit more, though. Sometimes, I just feel so unmotivated to do anything, just wanting to sleep the whole evening away, but I usually do something, like taking a drive, anything to get out of the house. Edited May 19, 2013 by crimsoncurrent 1
soccerrprp Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Been there. There now, but not b/c of a traumatic break-up. Sorry, man. Just take time for yourself. Don't feel that you need to jump right back in. In fact, you don't sound ready, so to be fair to the ladies, you shouldn't make yourself available right now. Yeah, treat yourself to a movie. Go visit friends, family....other things to get your mind off her. Good luck. 2
1908 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Sounds like you're just not ready man. That's entirely fine. It hasn't even been half a year. Everyone moves at different speeds after the BU. I myself am only 3 months post break-up and am definitely not ready to start dating again. I do miss sex though Keep yourself busy. A new hobby or two might do wonders. I picked up a few new hobbies since becoming single again after 4 years and it's helped me cope a lot better. These are things I probably wouldn't have had time to learn if I was still with her so I take it as a positive. Good luck man. 1
seahawker64 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I actually understand this post. Also at 3.5 months BU and 2 months NC. Goddamn I miss her. : ( but I am moving on very slowly. I've forced myself to go on a couple of dates in the last couple of weeks. First thing is neither were met thru the dating sites I signed up for. I'm not sure what my thoughts on those dating sites are. No one is ever attractive to me or they have a laundry list of requirements you must me or they won't have anything to do with you. Could be why they are single themselves...just sayin. Anyhow I have been on a couple of dates and here's the gods honest truth what they were like. 1. First one, nice enough gal but didn't compare to the ex. I was so preoccupied thinking about the BU I couldn't enjoy myself. As weird as it was she wanted to come home with me so I took her up on the offer thinking I may be feel better after a night of crazy sex. The truth is we started and about 1/2 into it, I completely lost interest and shut down. She didn't move like my ex and didn't feel like my ex. So I ended up feeling like a fool and god knows what she thought of me. 2. Next date, another nice gal. Didn't fixate on the ex except a few times. Nice woman again but I really kept my distance. I offered her a hug at the end of the night and that was it. Now I know I have pretty big walls up around me and the breakup killed my normally insane sex drive. So I guess moral of the story is if you are not into dating, just don't do it and use the time to get used to being alone and being OK with it. I realize now that I still have away's to go before I'm really ready to be with anyone again and it's just the way it is. I really thought starting dating might make me feel better but it didn't. I'm just not interested and as far as missing sex, oh yea I do but the truth is I'm not ready to jump into bed with anyone right now because I can't put my heart and soul into it right now so why bother. Just my take on it. 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 I actually understand this post. Also at 3.5 months BU and 2 months NC. Goddamn I miss her. : ( but I am moving on very slowly. I've forced myself to go on a couple of dates in the last couple of weeks. First thing is neither were met thru the dating sites I signed up for. I'm not sure what my thoughts on those dating sites are. No one is ever attractive to me or they have a laundry list of requirements you must me or they won't have anything to do with you. Could be why they are single themselves...just sayin. Anyhow I have been on a couple of dates and here's the gods honest truth what they were like. 1. First one, nice enough gal but didn't compare to the ex. I was so preoccupied thinking about the BU I couldn't enjoy myself. As weird as it was she wanted to come home with me so I took her up on the offer thinking I may be feel better after a night of crazy sex. The truth is we started and about 1/2 into it, I completely lost interest and shut down. She didn't move like my ex and didn't feel like my ex. So I ended up feeling like a fool and god knows what she thought of me. 2. Next date, another nice gal. Didn't fixate on the ex except a few times. Nice woman again but I really kept my distance. I offered her a hug at the end of the night and that was it. Now I know I have pretty big walls up around me and the breakup killed my normally insane sex drive. So I guess moral of the story is if you are not into dating, just don't do it and use the time to get used to being alone and being OK with it. I realize now that I still have away's to go before I'm really ready to be with anyone again and it's just the way it is. I really thought starting dating might make me feel better but it didn't. I'm just not interested and as far as missing sex, oh yea I do but the truth is I'm not ready to jump into bed with anyone right now because I can't put my heart and soul into it right now so why bother. Just my take on it. Thanks for the reply, really appreciate you sharing your experiences post BU. My sex-drive has decreased too. Nearly two months ago, I had sex with a girl since my ex, and after it was done, completely regretted doing it. Not that the sex was bad, just like you, she wasn't my ex. Now, I'm not really interested in sex. Sometimes, I feel almost asexual. It's weird. I'm going on a date tomorrow with a girl that seems very cheerful and likes to joke a lot, which is great. So, see how it goes. Hopefully, I can keep my focus on her instead of thinking about my ex. 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Been there. There now, but not b/c of a traumatic break-up. Sorry, man. Just take time for yourself. Don't feel that you need to jump right back in. In fact, you don't sound ready, so to be fair to the ladies, you shouldn't make yourself available right now. Yeah, treat yourself to a movie. Go visit friends, family....other things to get your mind off her. Good luck. Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I've been getting back into reading more and working out. So, just trying to occupy my time.
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Go and have fun. A little attention from a new girl will feel nice. Doesn't mean you have to jump into dating or a relationship. I went on my first date post BU last weekend and had a lovely time. It was sooo damn nice to not have one anxious thought of my ex all night. Generally speaking, I'm not ready to be in a relationship, but I'll probably do more dating within the next month.
seahawker64 Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks for the reply, really appreciate you sharing your experiences post BU. My sex-drive has decreased too. Nearly two months ago, I had sex with a girl since my ex, and after it was done, completely regretted doing it. Not that the sex was bad, just like you, she wasn't my ex. Now, I'm not really interested in sex. Sometimes, I feel almost asexual. It's weird. I'm going on a date tomorrow with a girl that seems very cheerful and likes to joke a lot, which is great. So, see how it goes. Hopefully, I can keep my focus on her instead of thinking about my ex. Yea, the sex thing is a weird thing. I think society in general think'd " Oh, he's a guy any port in a storm will do". In my case at one time before my ex that was probably true. Now, I don't know what to make of this. It's a completely new wrinkle for me. It really bother's me because I don't know how long this process of healing is going to take. I guess, I'm going to just take it as it comes and see if someone is able to light my fire again. It's a bitch though because I am still doing the comparing to my ex and that's not fair to anybody.
BustedUpInside Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I really really know how you feel. Everyone is telling you to move on and get out there. That attention and flirting from new people will help boost your ego, but it just feels like a lot of effort and phony smiles. Why? Because at the end of the night, no matter how well the date seems to go, that person just will never turn into the one you really want. You won't be ready until you are. My advice is to not date until then. It really isn't fair to the girls you are going out with. Just think if it was you who was finally ready and tried putting yourself out there only to have the other person either bail or be noticeably not into the date itself. That would be a pretty big blow to a newly healed ego. Just to reiterate though, it is absolutely normal to feel like you won't meet someone who will compare to what you had with your ex and the truth is that you never will. Fortunately, when you are ready you might actually meet someone better and that relationship will become the new standard and your ex will just be a series of lessons and fond memories. 3
Author crimsoncurrent Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 I really really know how you feel. Just to reiterate though, it is absolutely normal to feel like you won't meet someone who will compare to what you had with your ex and the truth is that you never will. Fortunately, when you are ready you might actually meet someone better and that relationship will become the new standard and your ex will just be a series of lessons and fond memories. Thank you so much for your reply, really helped, especially your last paragraph. I know it's illogical to think I'd never encounter a better relationship in the future, just my current emotions overwhelm me at times. Thanks again for your insightful words. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 Stats: 3 and a half year relationship ended, 4 months of NC, 5 months since BU. Little over a week ago, I created a profile on a dating website, thinking about at least attempting to date again. There's been a couple of girls I've been able to text and set up plans with. But, as soon as the date approaches, I become completely unmotivated to follow through, bailing on them. I feel terrible, like I'm leading them on. Plus, I really haven't found too many girls that are my type on the site, which are usually the cutesy, weird, nerdy kind. I feel like I'll always be chasing water-downed versions of my ex, with other girls never being intelligent enough, funny enough, or passionate enough like she was. So, I'm just thinking about deleting my profile. I'm unsure if I'm emotionally ready to start dating again. Or, maybe I should just push through the unmotivated feelings. I don't know. Has anyone felt this way after a traumatic breakup? yes, I was not well in the head....tried to date, catastrophic........ now i have reactivated my profile...its been seven years........when i used to date before thsi online try thing i did, i have always dated from guys who were friends of mine in real life, normally involved in activities and pursuits i was interested in...kids, charity organisations ...on line is different....they can say they love the things you love and not actually love it, i prefer to get to know a guy in real life become friends and progress from there...seems natural and right......i am actually finding it hard at the moment dating.......i have balked at a coupel of offers in real life.....even though i get alogn with them....i developed feelings for soemone.....and when i get asked, i am thinking of him....seems false so i have declined....i dont know what i should do honestly......i dont want a relationship for the sake of a relationship i want to feel something other than for someone else....thats when i feel you are ready to date in your case....when you arent measuring potential dates on someone else's persona......in this case your ex...with me ....a guy who i admire and respect and accept his quirks....is leagues above.....cant get him out of my head....maybe there is a reason for that...im NOT just about to settle with someone i cant respect or have deeper feelings for or develop feelings for.....maybe that's being selective and picky......but....its not a good idea to date when someone else pops into your head when they ask you out or if you are looking at asking someone out and you are comparing them to someone else such as an ex...........not good......thats my advice....deal with the feelings that you have ......then date...or wait until someone you meet, doesn't have your exes face imposed on them and you are attracted to who that person is....then you know you just might be ready.......best wishes and i wish you happiness.......deb 1
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