Used mistress Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Here's my story I am 46 and I met a man who is 57. We met at the lake 2 years ago. There was chemistry but neither persued it. I never saw him with a woman at the lake. He always came alone. I thought he was single. At a potluck dinner he showed a great interest in me. Some of the people noticed he was perusing and said "arent you married". He said yes but his wife hates the lake and she hates him". Anyways every time I went for a walk he came outside to start a conversation. One night I went to his trailer and we were watching tv. I was fighting him off but he persued me and one thing led to another. I didn't feel attached to him. But then came the tears. He wanted my phone number and was in tears for me to call so he gets my info. Yes I caved and the next day he asked me out for breakfast. I tried hard to just be friends. I did say look you are married and you have probs so you can talk to me and I can listen. We don't have to fall in love. Well he knew where I worked and then the flowers started coming everyday for 3 weeks. He persued me very hard. He even said he "studied me" He said he wanted to leave but didn't want to go to an apartment so I let him move in with me. He was moving his stuff out and his 19 yr old daughter was studying in the living room and didn't even notice. He took me to where his daughter worked and introduced me but her reaction was a look of disgust. Shortly after that his daughter quit talking to him. He was crying and upset. I assured him that she would come around. He seemed so lost as to why she didn't want him to be happy. He thought she knew how he felt. Our relationship seemed great for the first 3 months. We had lots in common and we had the same interests like cross country skiing, going to the gym, cycling. We were like best friends. He kept talking marriage and I kept saying look don't talk marriage unless you mean it. You don't have to say that just to think you can keep me. So a week later we are looking at engagement rings. I did pick a very nice ring and he said it will take him at least 6months to get it. He saId his money is tied up with his business and because he isn't fully divorced yet he doesn't have full control over his money. He said he wanted to take care of me financially. He would be honoured. He would get very upset sometimes and cry because he said everyone else controls his money. Well Jan.8 just a month later he proposed with the ring. This is the moment I truly fell for him and believed it was real. This is also when I noticed a bit of a change. He was getting more and more stressed. He felt weak and old. He was also bothered by the fact his daughter wouldn't talk to him. He said his wife was using his daughter to keep him from leaving and he felt very powerless and angry because she had done this many times to him before when he tried to leave. I started to notice changes in him. He wasn't as intimate, he said I was the one who wanted him and I persued him. He started saying he felt old and weak around me. He said we should take our relationship to the next level. He also said his daughter would be talking to him soon. Then about 3 weeks ago we went into the trailer and he started crying and said "I wanted you so bad". I replied yes and now you have me. Then a week later he said he didn't like the area we lived in and he didn't like my canary singing in the morning or my snoring. He sent me a text saying for the next 2 months the money will be tight no spending. I replied just get groceries, pay bills, and gas for the car. He asked me if I understood what he meant. Yes I thought that was what he meant. Then 2 weeks ago after dinner he pulled his chair in front of me and looked deep into my eyes and said how much he loves me and passionately kissed me. My gut feeling said I think he's saying goodbye to you. The next day while I was at work I got only one text from him saying he loves me and he is busy and will text later. I thought this a bit odd. Anyways after work I get a text saying he moved all his stuff out and is looking for an apartment. He moved his trailer and work stuff to his brothers. He said he wasn't feeling good and was of no use to me. I can sell the ring to help pay my bills. I was blindsided. I took a drive by his house and there was the trailer in front of his house. I left a voicemail and several texts asking just for a simple yes or no if he went back to his wife. He owed me that much. He texted back he asked if he could leave the trailer there and he was staying in a motel til he could get an apartment. He would have to sell the trailer to pay for his divorce costs. His wife was done with him and his daughter won't hav easy thing to do with him. He said he took too much alcohol and t3 and was in a hospital being watched. I haven't heard from him since. This is very fresh still as it has been only two weeks. Though it is over I am secretly hoping for a text I am very down and any advice is welcome
ThatJustHappened Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Yep, you were naive and you got played. All you can do is keep up with NC and try to move on. But the silver lining is that you're not naive anymore. You learned the hard way that you shouldn't date married men. 1
seren Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I think that just by looking at the name you have called yourself that you are feeling he has used you, I also think by reading what you have written that he sounds like a mixed up man and that he is possibly back in with his wife. I don't know what you want to happen, but if he deals with stress by running away it is an indicator of how he has possibly always dealt with things, by running away and not confronting them. I think you and he need to have a long conversation about what is going on and what is going to happen next, maybe he needs to live alone and sort himself out, maybe he is looking to you to sort him out. I think you need to ask yourself if this is what you want for yourself out of a relationship, maybe his wife got fed up of looking after him. Whatever the outcome is, be kind to yourself and have a long hard think about what you want for your future, then stick to it. I also hope you don't feel used too long. 1
Praying4Peace Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 It sounds like he has royally messed up his life. It sounds like he has no clue what or who he wants; or what his priorities are. It sounds like he's having a mini nervous breakdown. Just know that you can't fix it for him. No one can. It's best to walk away and let him deal with all his problems, emotional conflicts, and relationships. If he needs help he can go to a therapist or a counselor who can help him sort it all out. Meanwhile, please just know that this man would not have been good for you. You are looking at the good parts and turning a blind eye to his crazy behavior. It's not about whether he loved you or not...I am sure he didn't intentionally set out to use you and he cares about you.
Author Used mistress Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks for the advice. I know it will take time to get over this. I need to start thinking about the bad times more than the good times. I was nieve to believe the ring meant anything let alone what he said. I did learn from this about myself and that I need to really enforce my personal boundaries. It just helps to be able to talk about it and how to move forward from this. I guess time heals all wounds. I think where will I be in 6 months from now. Is just that it feels so fresh right now.
ilovedhim Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Are you sure he's still alive? You wrote he attempted suicide, then was under watch in the hospital, then nothing?
Author Used mistress Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 When I saw his trailer back at his house it hit me hard that everything was a lie. He said he took trailer to his brothers. I know he is back home and he probably did get drunk and his "being watched" probably means his daughter and wife are going to keep an eye on him so he can't step out of line. In his last text to me he kept saying he felt so "ashamed". I think he did have a mini breakdown. I find it sad though that if he really is that unhappy as he says he is why can't he find the strength within to change his life. Just proves money can't buy happiness.
So happy together Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 This is just me, but the tears don't sound like he is a hot mess. They sound like pure manipulation on his part. This situation would be crazy making. I'm sure you feel like you don't know what in the world to think. Hang in there, and do yourself a favor, stay away. It will only hurt you. I wonder if he's done this before? Chin up... I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
2sunny Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 At 57 - a man who flounders that way is acting like he's 5 years old. He used you - he lied - he future faked ---> but you allowed it. Be grateful you got away from him - he's a disaster.
Author Used mistress Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 The more I talk about it I can see that the tears and the "I couldn't make it without you" were a lie and a way to play on me to keep me in his grip til he was done with me. I'm starting to believe he was narcissistic and a very very skilled and honed predator. Talking about it is helping me get through it and seeing it for what it really was - all a lie. I have learned that the red flags in my head are real and he knew how to play me like a fiddle. 1
2sunny Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 When I saw his trailer back at his house it hit me hard that everything was a lie. He said he took trailer to his brothers. I know he is back home and he probably did get drunk and his "being watched" probably means his daughter and wife are going to keep an eye on him so he can't step out of line. In his last text to me he kept saying he felt so "ashamed". I think he did have a mini breakdown. I find it sad though that if he really is that unhappy as he says he is why can't he find the strength within to change his life. Just proves money can't buy happiness. No need to worry about him now - focus on what YOUcan change about you - your perspective. Figure out how to never allow this to happen to you again. I don't date men unless their divorce is FINAL... Many MM cheat by saying they are "separated" then go back to the M.
Author Used mistress Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Well I'm still hurting. I'm not sure who to be more angry with at this point - him or me. I am angry at myself for letting this happen to myself. When I did have a red flag pop up I did confront him and he came up with another lie I have come to realize. And the ring why get a ring if you aren't serious. Did he have that much money? I guess so that just makes it even more hurtful because he wrote me a note saying he has no interest in it and I can sell it if I wish. That is like a dagger in the heart. I wish I could wake up one day and not have this whole mess constantly swirling in my head. Some days are worse than others. I hope that I will be able to forgive myself. Perhaps that is the key to moving on from this mess.
Praying4Peace Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Lots of rings are fake. I'd bet money it's not real. They picked it out together.
Author Used mistress Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 The ring is real. I took it back and they verified it is real. This just seems to be a sick joke some guy pulled on me. I want to be angry but at whom? Me for falling for his lies or him for telling me those lies. This is where my struggle is right now. I'm having a hard time to forgive myself.
Recommended Posts