Sittinginmcds Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 To start off I am a 45 year old father of 2 girls that I have custody of. I live with my (ex)fiancé since August 2012. We were engaged Xmas Eve 2012 and planned to be married June 22 2013. She had been married before to a real d**k and was hesitant to try it again but it meant a lot to me so we decided to try. Our relationship has been rocky a lot due to my insecurities most which come from my own marriage that ended with my wife's affair. However, my (ex)fiancé brought issues to the table as we all do but we really love(d) each other and wanted to be together so we tried. After a rather large argument this week, in which I was 100% right, she threw the ring at me and said she doesn't want to break up but doesn't want to marry me "now." She had done this a few times but always came back and said it was fear, but this time she cancelled the church, told family, cancelled the hotel for our honeymoon. I'm thinking its really off (captain obvious) She doesn't want to break up she claims she wants to work on it and when it's right to be married. I have several issues now. I'm heartbroken, angry as all fu*k, embarrassed, and I honestly think that our relationship could be perfect and she's find a reason to be "too scared" and someday I will have wasted all this time waiting for a commitment that will never come. I feel that she likes the security I bring, the family atmosphere, and the company but wants it all without the commitment. This has me wondering why I'm not good enough to marry. My reasons for staying are two-fold. I do love her and financially I just can't afford to at the moment. Help!? Ideas??? Insights I may be missing?? Please serious non judgmental replies.
Ale khun Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 probably she has doubts about the relationship and right now she does not want to make it to the next level , maybe all this arguments reminds her the last relationship she had and she does not want to go through it again . i understand that you feel upset and hurt because you really want to be with her no matter what , but just imagine this argument two years from now and she saying she wasn't ready for the marriage and the commitment . IMO she loves you,its just that getting married brings a little bit of fear , maybe she does not want to feel in the future like she failed or that she made a mistake for the second time thats why she wants to work things out until she is ready
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 This is a fast moving relationship. Slow it down. Sounds like she is into you, but hesitant on the fast progression. Believe me, I totally understand her viewpoint. Return to enjoying getting to know each other and the relationships. Leave the marriage talk alone for now. Create a safe space again and proceed slowly.
spiderowl Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 "doesn't want to marry me "now." She had done this a few times but always came back and said it was fear" She's already told you several times she doesn't feel ready for marriage but you've ignored this and pushed it, by the sound of it, otherwise why would she have done this a few times? What terms did you move in together on? Did you agree that it would lead to marriage or that you were trying things out to see how you got on when living together? You'd only been living together a short time before you were engaged. I agree with the earlier poster that it is moving too fast. It sounds like you are pressuring her and not accepting that she has doubts. I can understand your fears but this should all have been defined and established before you moved in together. If you don't take the pressure off this woman, she will bail. On the other hand, you are going to be filled with anxiety until she decides she will marry you for sure. I presume this stems from your previous relationship. Things are not looking good. I'd recommend you seek relationship counselling but go on your own. Discuss your fears with an independent person. This might take the tension out of things for a while at least and help you to understand why it's such a worry for you. I am not suggesting for a minute that you should not want or need marriage, only that you are expecting too much too fast and that, as you have already moved in together, it's too late to prevent this situation arising.
Author Sittinginmcds Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Since posting this I have realized its all but the shouting. She is as cold hostile and distant as it is possible to be towards me. We had a talk and one thing she told me was she felt I was using her. When we met I had a low six-figure income which was 4x's hers. When I moved into her house I made over $8,000 in repairs from my own pocket. I had $450 in monthly bills but took on hers which were over $1k NOT including the mortgage. I never even once expected or got a thank you. I was laid off 3 mos ago and have been getting unemployment which is still 2x's what she makes and I give it all to her. Her acct her ATM card and she said I'm using her. That was one of a bunch crazy sh*t that made me realize its over. She is nearing 50 and older by 4 years so I wonder if its menopause or if she's just been hiding this instability until now. I'm no saint that's a given but she is just not right. I'm very sad and sure I will keep trying to make it work. When I'm on hear crying in a week or two someone remind me I knew it needed to end. It may help.
Author Sittinginmcds Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Since posting this I have realized its all but the shouting. She is as cold hostile and distant as it is possible to be towards me. We had a talk and one thing she told me was she felt I was using her. When we met I had a low six-figure income which was 4x's hers. When I moved into her house I made over $8,000 in repairs from my own pocket. I had $450 in monthly bills but took on hers which were over $1k NOT including the mortgage. I never even once expected or got a thank you. I was laid off 3 mos ago and have been getting unemployment which is still 2x's what she makes and I give it all to her. Her acct her ATM card and she said I'm using her. That was one of a bunch crazy sh*t that made me realize its over. She is nearing 50 and older by 4 years so I wonder if its menopause or if she's just been hiding this instability until now. I'm no saint that's a given but she is just not right. I'm very sad and sure I will keep trying to make it work. When I'm on hear crying in a week or two someone remind me I knew it needed to end. It may help.
Author Sittinginmcds Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Spider- I didn't ignor it when we got engaged it was at her request. At that time I had given up on the idea. It was only after she accepted the ring-a family heirloom that was so special to me that I didn't offer it to my ex-wife of 15 years-and began to throw it back at me several times that it became an issue. Her recent behavior has shown me though that she isn't a person that I could spend my life with at this time. Sometimes you need to be hit in the head to be able to see. I was hit,yes & hard, but now I see. 1
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 Holy mother of pearl!! Are you my twin? Age, kids, custody, living in her house, engagement and all? Holy crap it sounds like my life! 1. You aren't alone. 2. RUN FROM THIS WOMAN, NOW!!! 3. Trust me, it gets better! 1
Author Sittinginmcds Posted May 19, 2013 Author Posted May 19, 2013 Broken hearted-seems we are in a parallel course. I know I need to run. She's nuckin futs but I love her. The past two days have been a horror. To top it off I got to go to church today the one we were to be married in and felt like everyone knew she called it off-so humiliating. I guess the fact I even have pride left to feel humiliation is a plus. I'm so confused
aisuru Posted May 19, 2013 Posted May 19, 2013 I will never understand men who love the crazy girls. How does that work exactly? I have a friend dealing with this in real life and I want to strangle him. 1
Author Sittinginmcds Posted May 20, 2013 Author Posted May 20, 2013 They don't start out crazy. But I can't deny that there were signs. Our first argument should have been our last the red flags were everywhere and I saw them but I chose to ignore it mostly cause I didn't want to keep looking for someone to be with. I met her online but it turned out she lived 5 mins away and that was a huge plus. So basically I'm in this nasty spot cause I didn't want to drive (insert icon with sad face holding gun to head).
aisuru Posted May 20, 2013 Posted May 20, 2013 They don't start out crazy. But I can't deny that there were signs. Our first argument should have been our last the red flags were everywhere and I saw them but I chose to ignore it mostly cause I didn't want to keep looking for someone to be with. I met her online but it turned out she lived 5 mins away and that was a huge plus. So basically I'm in this nasty spot cause I didn't want to drive (insert icon with sad face holding gun to head). I guess what they say is true... convenience does come at a price. Dude, you have kids involved in this situation. You really need to be a little more responsible, and less dependent on being married. You'll be okay.
Author Sittinginmcds Posted May 21, 2013 Author Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) Not exactly dependent on being married (not at all) but marriage is part of a belief system. Why is it anyone would think I need to be more responsible for my girls? They both have any and every material possession they need and a father (me) who lives for them. Was it the being laid off thing? Did I mention a pension for 22 years service in the Marine Corps. sorry if I'm ranting but I resent being told i need to be more responsible by people who dont know my situation. Maybe others can't compartmentalize but I surly can. Edited May 21, 2013 by Sittinginmcds Add info
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted May 22, 2013 Posted May 22, 2013 I will never understand men who love the crazy girls. How does that work exactly? I have a friend dealing with this in real life and I want to strangle him. Lol because we are not the smartest sex! I'll admit that. Too many "nice guys" And I DO NOT mean "nice" in the traditional sense.
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