Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I did something that may have been really bad..... I slept with my ex bf last night....after not seeing him for 2 months.... Some background on our relationship. We about 2 years ago at the restaurant we both worked at. We would always tease each other and flirt, nothing serious though because I had a boyfriend who also worked with us. Well, me and the bf broke up about 6 months after meeting this guy and then we finally get together. I tell you, the first time we hung out together outside of work it was love at first....."hang out." I don't know what to call it, but it was love. Things moved between us kind of quick. We moved in together about 3 months later, broke up 4 months after that, got back together 3 months after the break up, moved in 2 months later, broke up 3 months after that.....and that brings me to here. When we're together, I'm the happiest I've ever been. We just have definate communication problems when we argue and that's why we always break up. I went over there last night and we started talking (yeah, I know) and one thing led to another. We both didn't really know what to think afterward. I mean, we break up but seem to be constantly drawn to one another. We can't seem to stop loving each other as stupid as that may sound. He's the only person I've ever loved.... He didn't really want me to leave but it was 1:30 in the morning and I had to get up to work at 6:30 so I told him to call me and he said he would. I'm single, so I didn't cheat on anyone, but still..... What the heck should I do? I'm completely confused....damn him for being cute....
EC Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 damn him for being cute.... Been there...it's like why do they have to do that thing with thier eyes when they look at you that melts you and then smile? I don't think you did anything bad if the only reason you broke up with him was because of communication.... Do you want to be with him again or did you just give in to his cuteness?
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 I would like to think that if we would be together again things would be great, but we've tried twice and it hasn't worked. Who knows if it would work the THIRD time around? The first time we broke up it about killed me, the second time we broke up shock hit me first so pain never really sank in, but the third time? I don't know what would happen. We have very different argueing styles. When I argue I get all fired up, my temper lets loose, then I cool down after an hour or two then I want to talk about it. I was always the one starting the arguments. I couldn't control my temper, then he got mad and tried to leave, I wouldn't let him, that would make him angrier. Then I would cry, but by then he was too mad to care. That's the jist of our communication problems. Sounds weird, I know. Our last break up was pretty bad. There was screaming, name calling, etc. Even if we did get back together, our families hate each other. His family hates me, my family hates him. Is there anyway to get past all that? Should it even matter what they think? I don't think that I just gave in to his cuteness, because I know I still love him and care about him. Do you ever stop loving anyone? For some reason I can't stop loving him, even after all the stuff that's happened between us. I just don't know what to do or think.....
EC Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 I think you should be cautious and just take it one step at a time... Aboud the families...I won't lie and say it doesn't matter because it does...but only to make things easier...If you love him they should accept that..but I know how it goes you break up and talk all this stuff about how evil he is to your family for comfort and then you want him back but by then your family hates him lol....But reagrdless when two people are meant to be they will no matter what.... But I think if you really love him and him you...then you should really take counseling so that you can learn to communicate with eachother...It seems like that was the only problem anyways...It can teach you to react differently to things and control your temper.... Let me know what he says when he calls today though?
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 But how do you know if it's meant to be? Is it possible that two people can love each other to death but are just not meant to be together? It is hard with the family thing. I mean, my mom hasn't liked him from the very beginning and now she hates him even more then I ever did. Me and my mom are soooo close so that makes it harder. What's ironic is I talk all big about how I'm over him and hate him and never want to see him again just to cover up how I really feel. I don't know when he'll call. I just told him to call me whenever he wants. I'm sure I'll hear from him but it may not be for a couple of days.
EC Posted September 29, 2004 Posted September 29, 2004 But how do you know if it's meant to be? Is it possible that two people can love each other to death but are just not meant to be together? You don't know but thats what makes it so exciting... Yeah I figured you would talk about how much your over him and now you can't say I love him again I want to be with him..it's different...lol I've been there....I felt like an idiot... I think you need to wait until he calls you back and take it from there....
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Exciting? It makes it really scary to even risk putting yourself through all that again. I will definately post the phone conversation once he calls me. I know him, he won't wait that long to call... Until then, I would love to hear the opinions of anyone who wants to put their two cents in. And thank you Eternally for all your advice!!!
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 29, 2004 Author Posted September 29, 2004 Okay, well I told my mom and brother that I had TALKED to the ex. I omitted the sleeping part. It was not well received. I guess I should mention the headlines of our last breakup to see if that elicits anymore advice. I started fight, we yelled and name called, I threw his cellphone into the woods, I threw a cordless phone at him after he called me a name, he called cops on me for cellphone. After knowing this, should we just stay away from each other? I really need some advice. I'm so confused.
FreeMe Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Could it be a maturity issue? something you'd both grow out of as you mature? (I'm not sure how old you are.) Or, do you think it's just the chemistry between the two of you and it will always be there? If so, then maybe you need to stay away from each other. By the way, why doesn't your family like him?
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 Well, I'm 22 and he's 27 so I don't think it's a maturity issue. When we're not fighting our relationship is great. We just do not fight effectively. We both have the same personality when it comes to that.....we're both hard headed and stubborn and believe we're right. I know that it's something that I need to work on. He's never started the fights, he's never gotten mad at me (except when we're fighting and I won't leave him alone.) Usually when I get mad it's not over something that he did it's because i'm annoyed or irritated with him. How can I fix that? It just seems that no matter how long it's been since we're apart or no matter how long it's been since I've seen him, all roads lead back to him. After everything that's happened, I still love him and I know he loves me. There's always something there between us and I don't think that's going to go away. My family hates him because the last time we broke up he called the cops on me. I believe he was completely justified considering I threw a cordless phone at him and threw his cellphone in the woods but they don't see it that way. Their response is, "Good, I hope you hit him hard and it hurt." I know that when you like someone you can justify everything that person has done to make it right in your head and I don't know if that's what I'm doing. I'm just confused as to what to do and I know he feels the same. I know he still loves me. He feels that same as I do. Since we've broken up I listen to this song by Seether and Amy Lee called "broken." I don't know if you've heard it but you can look up the lyrics at azlyrics.com. Whenever I listen to it it reminds me of him. When I went to his apartment the night I slept with him, he was listening to it and I told him it was my favorite song and he said that it was his song because it had special meaning to him. He told me later he thinks of me everytime he hears it. That was just weird. Of all the songs we both have the same song that reminds us of each other. I just don't know what to do here. I'm still waiting to hear from him also.
FreeMe Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 It sounds like you could benefit from some counseling - maybe just a few sessions for learning how to express yourself or just learning how to calm yourself down. Maybe you can try that and at the same time try and take things slow with him. Also, since you have a temper and he stays calm, I wonder if something like yoga would help teach you to calm down. I've thought about taking it myself for the same reason. I know people who have said it really helps them feel more serene in general.
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 I've been to counseling before for almost a year. We never got around to the anger issue. I told my counselor that I have a temper and go off on people but he didn't see that. He just said that I seem like a very sweet, calm young lady. Um, that's because it doesn't come out all the time! He couldnt' really help me with that because he'd never seen me angry...I dunno. Someone earlier suggested counseling for both of us. I don't know if that would be a good idea. I don't even know if he would go for it. It's just that everyone around me is saying that I don't need him, he's jerk, he doesn't care about me. I try to tell them that no one knows our whole relationship but me and him and they only know the bad things because that's when I need to talk to them about it...during the bad times. I just wonder if they're right and we really don't need each other. Or should I just say hell with it, and it's me and him against the world... i've never felt this way about anyone before, I've never spent so much of my time over someone that I'm not even with. I usually move on so easily, but I just can't let him go. And my mom, man she really doesn't like that I even talked to him. She just kept saying that she hopes I have more sense then that. This sucks.
FreeMe Posted September 30, 2004 Posted September 30, 2004 Well, first off, if you're telling your counselor that you have an anger issue and he's saying he doesn't see it, then you need a new counselor. Of course he's not going to see it! You're in a controlled environment for a short period of time. Find another counselor and tell him/her that the issue you want to work on is anger. Second, it sounds like there is a little more about him that is bad if your friends and family are that set against him. Try to be objective. Make a list of the things about him that really bother you, the negative things and see if they could really cause serious problems in the future. There must be some powerful motivators to why you've broken up so many times. It could be therapeutic to write the stuff down too. I once did that - made a list - and there was almost nothing on the good side!! I knew it before I wrote the list, but seeing it in black and white made me realize I was really being a fool to put myself through that.
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 30, 2004 Author Posted September 30, 2004 Well, everyone doesn't like him because when we fight I call them and crab to them about him. They never hear about any of the good things that he's done for me, and there are plenty. All they hear is the bad, the negative. The things you say when you fight with someone: "He's a jerk, a**h***, etc." My mom, she didn't even like him before she even knew him. She met him about a month after we got together (before the fighting) for like a minute and told me he wasn't the guy for me. What's up with that? I just wish I had some support in my feelings. I wish someone I knew would say "It's your life, whatever makes you happy then go for it. I'm happy for you." Is that so much to ask rather then having my family and friends all up in my business? I've had only one friend who's said this and that's because he knows how I feel and he knows our WHOLE relationship. He also knows how I am because we dated for a year (he's my best friend now.) So he knows my temper and how I get so he can understand how our fights have been so bad and how they escalate (because I provoke people like that.) He's also a psychology major like me so that helps in the sensitivity angle.
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