barrelwave Posted May 18, 2013 Posted May 18, 2013 Where do I start? I had known this girl since 2010. A friend introduced her to a my circle of friends. We started dating in November 2011, and we had always wondered... Where have we been all this time? Why didn't we notice each other earlier? I was at the lowest point of my life in 2011 - 2012. I started my own business, and it didn't take off. So I decided to pause it; joined a startup to form a new business unit, in the similar industry. The ordeal was tough. Long hours, low pay. Too many clients, too little manpower. I was trying to keep it all together. I was not the most stable person to be with, financially. But she chose to be with me. During this period, I had not missed any of our dates, except for once. i was so indulge in get tasks done for the day. And i missed her call, and i forgot to call her back. We arranged that date almost a week back. That time, she was really disappointed. After 7 months into the job, I finally realised. The job was just life-consuming. It was feeding on my personal time. It was taking a toll on my relationship. There was once when i had to hand my ex-gf a freelance assignment to do some food photography. She happily did it for free, because she simply loved photography, and food! Such a sweet girl. But I realise I have to quit this, because my ex-colleagues keep on coming back to me asking, hey, could you invite your gf back for a photoshoot? Taking up her personal time just to do work for my company at a low cost? Forget it. So I quit. Thereafter, I took two months to hunt for a job, similar to the industry that I've always dabbled in. It was a period nearing the holiday season and her birthday. So I was really motivated to get a freelance job to sustain myself, while waiting for job interviews. Throughout that period, our dates were simple, but not frugal. She had never once complained. But she had felt the stress on her side, and she chose not to voice it out. We still had some quarrels along the way. But we always managed to make closure and move on in the relationship. I thought she was alright, or so I had thought. Entering 2013, I pulled through. I have secured a job that pays me comfortably. And i needed this job. We had plans for a long holiday this year, and I wanted to make it happen. I want to repay her for her kindness and patience, for being with me when I thought I never needed anyone, and that I would just be a burden to anyone. She was there for me. She really deserves a long holiday. This job of mine is fast-paced and long hours. I face immense pressure and I would often share my troubles and difficulties with her. it's just couple talk but how would I have known that she would take it as I'm being uber-negative about things, and she felt as if i'm rubbing my negative thoughts off her? Looking back, we had many happy moments. Our travels, intimate moments, the dates. She and I, we are both introverts in our own way. But when we start off on a common topic, such as tech toys and the future of technology... The conversation won't stop. And i know she enjoys talking about it with me. When we first hit it off and start dating... I would always ask her, "Are you comfortable about the relationship?" Do you enjoy being with me? Are we going too fast?" Her answers are always positive. How do we communicate? She isn't much of a lady who loves to make small talk over the phone. So we skype and whatsapp each other very often, anything to keep conversations and open thoughts going. This isn't my first relationship. But I dote on her like she's my first girlfriend. I put in a lot of effort, gave my all and showered her with attention, and gifts at the appropriate time. I take notice of her needs and wants as frequently as possible. Not long after our "honeymoon stage" We started to get comfortable with each other. Not long after, she takes notice of my weaknesses, or bad habits. Some would irk her, and for some she could turn a blind eye. I am aware of her weakness, but I had never put any of hers under a microscope and be really annoyed about it. My love for her knows no boundaries. We had some arguments along the way. She felt that I couldn't take what she said about my flaws. i admit I do have a temper and an ego, and most of the time. I'd like to think of myself as I know what I am doing. The last time we quarrelled was 3 weeks ago. And this time, she really wanted space. She then said that it's better for us to part and date as friends for the time being. What sparked off her thoughts about needing space was because of a misunderstanding 3 weeks ago. And because of the misunderstanding, it had triggered her thoughts about our past arguments, and she's feeling a deep resentment towards me right now. So the week before I booked a weekend "staycation" at a local hotel. I wanted to hear from her about what her frustrations and resentment were really about, before we really decide to part. The staycation went well. In the privacy of the hotel room, we talked freely. She cried a lot, and in the ended we kissed and hugged. I agreed with a heavy heart to give her more space, but she could still look me up for dates. I really want her to go find herself. But i do not know how much time she needs. And we didn't agree on a stipulated time to patch things up. Just last weekend, I wanted to talk to her about my weakness, and both of our needs and wants for a possible future down the road. But what I said ticked her off instead. She thinks I had not understood a single word she said about my weakness. She thinks I had talked too much, no action. (Really?? I made sacrifices and do make a fair bit of initiatives on my own.) I just feel as if she don't take my strengths seriously, and she harping on my weaknesses. I know she cares and she wants me to change. But is it entirely my fault that things would turn out like this? She said she's tired. But if she takes me seriously, why would she want to let me go in the first place, instead of wanting to work things out? I do not blame her (and i have never did) for making a decision like this, and how things have turned out. But right now, I only feel compelled to make things right, and make it better for the both of us. I am caught in a dilemma. Half of me wants to let her go, thinking that she'd be happier without me. Half of me feels that I want to take action and show her that I should deserve her. We have not met up for the past few weekends. And i'm eager to make up to her when we meet. We had arranged to go for a walkathon in June way back before we broke up, and she still feels that it's okay for us to meet. I really want to take the chance to make her really happy that day. Bring a ukelele and sing to her, while we walk along the route. Give her a footrub, after the walkathon. i would just do anything to hold her hand, and see her smile again. I'm really sorry and I hope she forgives me soon.
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