I am OM

[Charlieadam12]

Before I tell my story, I know that what I have done is wrong and immoral, although I would love your advice on the whole sorry situation.

 

I am a 21 year old single male, who was up until recently in an affair with a MW 29 y/o. Her situation is that she is as she put it married 6 years, with 3 kids under 6, no problems as such in the marriage apart from the occasional issue which happens in every marriage.

 

Me and my MW are co-workers and have worked closely together for the best part of 3 years. As the years went on our friendship grew stronger and I considered her to be one of my best friends as we told each other everything in our lives and had such a great time. The friendship slowly turned into minor flirting and I slowly began to find myself missing her when we were apart for great periods of time. In November out of nowhere I decided to take the risk and made the move. This turned into a 4 month physical affair. This would happen at home and at work it was very intense.

 

As the months progressed, as did her H suspicions. My MW would always tell her H that he was paranoid and that we were good friends. He then gave her an ultimatum that if she continues her "friendship" with me that they were over. My MW told him that he cannot choose who she is friends with. Nothing did come of this until the H produced a damning phone bill and emails which she could not deny. And she eventually confessed to the whole affair.

 

Once the affair was out in the open, my MW did contact me and she told me for the first time that she loved me. In the coming weeks I had many angry calls from H, and the stress from not seeing my MW as she took a leave of absence from our company. I was deleted from all social networking sites and had little contact from her. I did occasionally hear from her from when she would call me from phoneboxes or friends phones telling me that she is not allowed to contact me and that she misses me so much. She told me that she had to give her marriage another chance for the sake of her children. I understood this decision and as much as i was hurt i understood she had to do this.

 

She eventually came back to work and I didnt know what it would be like. Her H is demanding she leaves the company or finds another position within it but she is refusing to do so. I like to think I am the reason for this decision but I just dont know anymore. We speak in work everyday about the A and how they are R we hug and i do feel there is tension still there. She tells me that her H is demanding NC at work yet she speaks to me everyday, which I believe is still an EA. She says things like she cant imagine life without me etc. Then theres some days where she appears distant then theres other days we are really close and sit close to each other, touching legs (i know it sounds pathetic)

 

Im just confused to what she wants to come from this scenario. She told me she is in R but continues to be in contact with me during NC. Im no psychologist but I have told her many times that if she wishes to have any chance of R with her H then we cannot continue the way we are with each other. I also begin to wonder what her H must think of her actions and if he thinks we are still in Contact and what he would think.

 

I know I have not really asked any q's and just told 'my story' but your opinions would help me so much. Whether your views are from a BS, WS or AP point of view!

[anne1707]

Charlie

 

To be honest, the first thing that comes to mind is that you are so young to be involved in such a complicated situation. I feel as if the MW is taking advantage of your youth. She is supposedly reconciling with her H yet she continues the affair with you. This is a mess and it can only get worse. If her H finds out you are still in contact he will be very hurt and probably very angry. Is that something you are strong enoughto deal with? Are you also after a long-term relationship with this woman? She has 3 children - are you ready for that complication? I am a fWS and I recognise a cake eater when I see one. You are her cake.

 

Gawd! I feel as if I am mothering you here

 

Please think about what you want. Is this how you saw your life? Is it the life a 21 year old should be having? You should be enjoying life, finding your career, dating girls, keeping it fun.

[MissBee]

First thing: you're pretty young!

 

Aside from that: what would be your ultimate wish for this situation? You want to be with MW, marry her, be a step-dad to her 3 babies?

 

She sounds like she was a woman bored and of course, got too close to you, yet nothing is wrong enough for her to divorce. Even when married we can develop an attraction for others and if we nurture this new attraction it will certainly feel good and seem better than our stale R; however, often, it says nothing about the REAL chance of things working out....and often the A, when no longer an A, will be just as normal and become just as boring and one may have buyer's remorse.

 

Anyway, you should think about what you want/need from the situation and then set some boundaries. Being dragged along in someone's indecision is no way to live and she doesn't seem like she is going to be making a decision.Chances are, she wants to be married and have that stability and her kids and all that, but she also wants you on the side. I'm not sure her goal is to have you as her primary partner...and I think most OW/OM want this to be ultimately what happens...but what most times happens is, the MP wants both and since that cannot work, eventually when push comes to shove, the OM/OW are the ones who get the shove. So you have to be real about what you want and also discuss it with her and based on those realities, proceed from there.

Edited May 18, 2013 by MissBee

[Charlieadam12]

Thanks for your advice Anne, I do like to think im mature for my age (own a house, car, earning great salary for someone my age). I have dated many many girls, although none felt more special than this one, and I truly felt this one felt right even with all the complications I thought it could work. Now i dont know if this was the excitement of the affair, I dont think it was as we were such good friends before this happened. As a fWS yourself, did you continue to keep comtact with your AP or did you keep strict NC. Do you think she is serious about her R if she continues to contact me?

[Charlieadam12]

I did tell the MW on her d-day that I would always be there for her and that if she did want to give it a go I would be really want that, but I understood her decision to R with her H. I just dont understand why she is continuing to be the way she is with me when her H has given her strict orders to cut all contact with me. I know I should just end things with her, And dont get me wrong it would hurt so much. But I keep getting this feeling that she still has feelings for me and it does seem like a waste. If she were to turn around and tell me she had no feelings for me whatsoever and told me that she wanted to R with her H without me there complicating things then I think I would be able to accept that and move on better! Im just so confused!

[MissBee]

Thanks for your advice Anne, I do like to think im mature for my age (own a house, car, earning great salary for someone my age). I have dated many many girls, although none felt more special than this one, and I truly felt this one felt right even with all the complications I thought it could work. Now i dont know if this was the excitement of the affair, I dont think it was as we were such good friends before this happened. As a fWS yourself, did you continue to keep comtact with your AP or did you keep strict NC. Do you think she is serious about her R if she continues to contact me?

 

You guys were "such good friends" but you had an inappropriate friendship.

 

How long has the A been? How long have you been friends/known her total?

 

You being inappropriate friends is exactly what is also exciting.

 

Married people can have opposite sex friends, but real friends keep it above board, married people with boundaries know they shouldn't become so close with opposite sex friends in terms of hanging out all the time and being emotionally intimate, as that can become more than you bargained for.

 

You may have been friends but it was an inappropriate friendship.

 

If you read around here, OW will discuss their As going underground and some even have multiple ddays. So your MW may not be serious about fixing her M, but she also isn't serious about you either, if she continues to be married but see you on the side. Being serious about either you or her husband includes choosing one path and sticking to it. Pretending she is in NC while seeing you is just still more of the same. Hence, I ask...what do you want? Some OW have mentioned being fine with going underground and essentially aren't that frustrated enough to require the MM to choose. Do you feel that way? Do you want her in any capacity, even if it's even more secretive? Or would you actually like for her to make a choice?

[Charlieadam12]

You guys were "such good friends" but you had an inappropriate friendship.

 

How long has the A been? How long have you been friends/known her total?

 

You being inappropriate friends is exactly what is also exciting.

 

Married people can have opposite sex friends, but real friends keep it above board, married people with boundaries know they shouldn't become so close with opposite sex friends in terms of hanging out all the time and being emotionally intimate, as that can become more than you bargained for.

 

You may have been friends but it was an inappropriate friendship.

 

If you read around here, OW will discuss their As going underground and some even have multiple ddays. So your MW may not be serious about fixing her M, but she also isn't serious about you either, if she continues to be married but see you on the side. Being serious about either you or her husband includes choosing one path and sticking to it. Pretending she is in NC while seeing you is just still more of the same. Hence, I ask...what do you want? Some OW have mentioned being fine with going underground and essentially aren't that frustrated enough to require the MM to choose. Do you feel that way? Do you want her in any capacity, even if it's even more secretive? Or would you actually like for her to make a choice?

 

Well the physical side of the affair started probably around November time, before this, the lead up to this, the flirting probably started around july time. Our affair was brought to light in February. So several months have passed since then! During the A, i did always see myself eventually with her although never once brought it up to her. Now that its out and we arent the way we are with each other anymore i want her more! I think Just now I wouldnt mind it being secretive again but I think thats just me longing for her. I do think I want her to make a choice whether its me or not. Just so I can make my mind up and move on

[Charlieadam12]

And sorry, yeah we have known each other approx 3 years now.

[Realist3]

Do you think she is serious about her R if she continues to contact me?

 

The obvious answer is, no she is not serious about R.

 

Here is the thing, you don't need to be worried about her, you need to be worried about you.

 

I'm not so much concerned about your maturity level, but your age. You have the world at your doorstep. Why would anyone possibly want to start their adult life off in a heap of mess? That question has nothing to do with any eventual outcome; it has to do with knowingly placing yourself into a situation that will always be wrought with drama, and not the good kind.

 

The advice I would give you is to not look at the next several months, but the next several years. What does continuing in this situation bring for your hopes and dreams in the long term?

 

no problems as such in the marriage apart from the occasional issue which happens in every marriage.

 

Why do you think this will change if she decides to be with you?

Edited May 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[anne1707]

She is trying to have the best of both worlds by creating the image of reconciling with her husband and keeping you around on the side to feed her ego hence all her push pull stuff with you. She gives you just enough to make you stay. I have seen this game before - I played it.

 

Do you realistically think she will leave her husband and be with you? Do you think you can handle being a step-dad to 3 young children? Do you want to give up on having your own children? (she's had 3 already and may not want a 4th). Are you sure that you are not wanting her more because she is not quite within your grasp anymore?

 

 

Note: I never left my husband. I never wanted to. I always loved him. My marriage was fine before the affair. It was all about me and my issues that led to me having an affair. My husband does know and we are reconciled. And NC is possible at work - I still work with the exOM and there is absolutely no personal interaction between uhim and I. It is all only work.

[spice4life]

Excellent question. Welcome to the forums.

 

I wish I had an answer, but I don't. I always wondered that myself. Then I asked myself why I was allowing the contact because I didn't want to interfer if they were truly working on their marriage. The whole situation creates confusion all the way around and distracts you from working on what's really important...like your own life.

[spice4life]

Well the physical side of the affair started probably around November time, before this, the lead up to this, the flirting probably started around july time. Our affair was brought to light in February. So several months have passed since then! During the A, i did always see myself eventually with her although never once brought it up to her. Now that its out and we arent the way we are with each other anymore i want her more! I think Just now I wouldnt mind it being secretive again but I think thats just me longing for her. I do think I want her to make a choice whether its me or not. Just so I can make my mind up and move on

 

She will never make up her mind with you in the picture. You CAN make up your mind and choose to walk away from a situation that will end up stealing years of your life and leave you with nothing but a big huge painful lesson. You do have a choice; you just have to put enough distance between the two of you to realize it.

[Charlieadam12]

She is trying to have the best of both worlds by creating the image of reconciling with her husband and keeping you around on the side to feed her ego hence all her push pull stuff with you. She gives you just enough to make you stay. I have seen this game before - I played it.

 

Do you realistically think she will leave her husband and be with you? Do you think you can handle being a step-dad to 3 young children? Do you want to give up on having your own children? (she's had 3 already and may not want a 4th). Are you sure that you are not wanting her more because she is not quite within your grasp anymore?

 

 

Note: I never left my husband. I never wanted to. I always loved him. My marriage was fine before the affair. It was all about me and my issues that led to me having an affair. My husband does know and we are reconciled. And NC is possible at work - I still work with the exOM and there is absolutely no personal interaction between uhim and I. It is all only work.

 

Your totally right, I don't think she will ever leave her husband. A part of me thinks that she is R so that if it did end in divorce it would be on her H terms and that it was not her decision if that makes sense? But then again maybe she does really want to stay with him I dont know! Its so confusing.

 

What your describing, (how you acted) does sound similar to her actions, and you are probably correct with your analysis of it. I have played every scenario out in my head and in terms of being a step dad to three children it did not scare me once. But after listening to all your comments, im starting to think that maybe I am being blinded by the A. I'll probably look back in a few years like, "what was i thinking." Would your advice be different if I was of a similiar age?

 

You and your husbands story from what you have told me, does sound very similiar to theirs. I think contact with her on a work level only would be difficult, but if it worked for others then I dont see how it cant work for us in the workplace.

[anne1707]

I don't think my advice would differ that much although I must admit I do think with you only being 21. I can promise you that even though you may have your head screwed on pretty well, you still have some growing up to do. No offence meant on that - we never stop grwoing up IMO - it's just that the 20s are a key stage in your growth as you set up life for yourself as an independent adult.

[Praying4Peace]

If you are a 21 year old that is so mature- job/house/etc- you should find someone worthy of you who you can build a life with.

 

Your MOW is never going to do anything but just sit there and take what she can get from both you and her H. She's trying to milk it on both sides before the cake eating party is over.

 

Please don't think that because she's in contact with you and fake R with her husband that it means that she might choose you. She chooses herself.

 

Feel sorry for her poor husband- he's stuck with her and she's the mother of his THREE kids. You aren't stuck at all! Just walk away. In a few months (or less) you'll be okay. Refuse to be her plaything. I'm sure she 'loves' being with you but she doesn't care about you or she would NOT do this!

[Charlieadam12]

 

Feel sorry for her poor husband- he's stuck with her and she's the mother of his THREE kids. You aren't stuck at all! Just walk away. In a few months (or less) you'll be okay. Refuse to be her plaything. I'm sure she 'loves' being with you but she doesn't care about you or she would NOT do this!

 

I do feel sorry for her H to an extent, it must be really s**t being him, I put myself in his position and don't think id cope as well as he has. However if you were to ask me if I regretted the affair i still would say no as selfish as that sounds. Ive asked the MW this question to and she still says she doesnt regret it. I know this is coming from a dishonest women but I still believe she speaks the truth to me. At the weekend I always get it into my head that I will go in to work and tell her it has to end, but it never seems to go that way!

[Realist3]

I don't know if you need to end it, but you sure don't need to keep yourself away from other experiences that will likely lead you to a much better place.

 

 

In my affair we are both cake eaters with no expectations. I have my life and she has hers, and we are okay with that. There is a balance. You have just begun your life, and you are with a cake eater and that creates a natural imbalance.

[Charlieadam12]

I don't know if you need to end it, but you sure don't need to keep yourself away from other experiences that will likely lead you to a much better place.

 

 

In my affair we are both cake eaters with no expectations. I have my life and she has hers, and we are okay with that. There is a balance. You have just begun your life, and you are with a cake eater and that creates a natural imbalance.

 

I understand what your saying. BUT After the A was exposed, it has only been EA since then. if it was still a PA I think I would be fine. That might sound like a terrible thing to say but im not happy with it being only EA. when we were together during our A, it did hurt when she went home to her H, but as it was physical with me it lessened the pain. Now without the physical side, it hurts as I feel like im 'warming her up' to go back to her H. If that makes sense? I dont want to be that guy!

[RickFox]

Speaking from experience but remember you were "seconds" when she was with you (dare I say sloppy?).

 

It's pretty clear that she's got you where she needs you in this whole thing. She's got the necessities at home and you at work to feed her ego. As long as you show interest in her, that's all she needs to feel validated, the sex for her was a bonus and sure, over time she may come back to the physical side but for now, you're providing the necessary usefulness for her to feel good about herself.

 

You can tell someone, as she has told you, that she loves you and misses you, but in the end, she's going home to her H and children and that's where her reality lies.

 

There's alot of us here who have been there done that and bought that damn t shirt.

[Realist3]

I understand what your saying. BUT After the A was exposed, it has only been EA since then. if it was still a PA I think I would be fine. That might sound like a terrible thing to say but im not happy with it being only EA. when we were together during our A, it did hurt when she went home to her H, but as it was physical with me it lessened the pain. Now without the physical side, it hurts as I feel like im 'warming her up' to go back to her H. If that makes sense? I dont want to be that guy!

 

It makes good sense. She is using you and you don't much care for that.

 

Then don't be that guy.

[ThatJustHappened]

What are you hoping to get from this? It will end eventually, and it's going to hurt even more the second time around. Also, you're going to waste a whole lot of time playing pretend with an unavailable woman and end up ignoring potential real relationships.

 

And lastly, if it doesn't bother you that you're hurting her husband..at least think about what you're doing to her kids. If she was spending all this time with you before then she was surely neglecting them. She's creating tension at home and making a really bad environment for them because of you. These children are innocent and you are contributing to making their lives hell.

 

She is scum. She's a spoiled, immature, selfish, cake eating brat, and a bad mother to boot. Run.

[Charlieadam12]

Harsh points, but I guess the truth hurts. In reality it does sound beyond ridiculous and I do come across as a complete ass, but you can't help the way you feel. I also dont think shes a bad mommy, shes always been there for her 3 babies, and ive never met them which makes one think shes tried to sheild them as much as she could from this. But then again I understand how our actions could be detrimental to them now and for that yeah I feel guilty as hell. Time to walk away with my tail between my legs before I cause any more damage, which is likely to happen going by the majority of your thoughts. Which I do appreciate, as they have helped me come to terms with this mess!

[dreamingoftigers]

Harsh points, but I guess the truth hurts. In reality it does sound beyond ridiculous and I do come across as a complete ass, but you can't help the way you feel. I also dont think shes a bad mommy, shes always been there for her 3 babies, and ive never met them which makes one think shes tried to sheild them as much as she could from this. But then again I understand how our actions could be detrimental to them now and for that yeah I feel guilty as hell. Time to walk away with my tail between my legs before I cause any more damage, which is likely to happen going by the majority of your thoughts. Which I do appreciate, as they have helped me come to terms with this mess!

 

You can, however realize that feelings are information coming from your neural function and life context.

 

Realizing that, you CAN decide what to DO with the information you've received.

 

Having a feeling or attraction doesn't mean pursuing it is the way to go.

If cutting your own foot off felt like the most wicked, three week orgasm......I'd still recommend against it. Because in the long run, it cripples you. And if you got hooked on the feeling, you'd only get two shots before a lifetime of regret and misery.

 

Find a better long-term option.

[Realist3]

You are a bright young man. Go find a woman who will give you her whole attention. She is out there.

[thefooloftheyear]

AS one man to another...And forgive me if I am being blunt. Stop letting your little head do the thinking for the big one. There is nothing in it for you here. I dont care how mature you think you are, if you think you are going to be happy in the end here you are out of your mind...

 

.02...

 

TFY