Are my friends right about me?

[Kittcatamanda]

Basically in the past four months I have become really good friends with I girl I meet through a friend. Through her i am now friendly with another guy. The thee of us hang out a few times a week, going walks, drives and watching films together. We are all in are twenties and share a similar trait, we all have a metal health problem. They invited me up to watch a film, when I went up they said hey needed to have a talk with me. They sat me down and said a few things about my behaviour was bothering them. They said I'm making it hard for them to be my friend because one day I act like a sensible 40 year old and the next day I act like a big child. They also said that I'm too open and just say things about sex that is really random and they makes them feel uncomfortable. What really annoyed me is that the guy who I'm only really friends with because of are mutal friendship with the girl, asked me do I ever thnk before I speak and so I feel bad when I go to bed at night and regret the way I just say things. Do I think I shouldn't have said that. I don't really know how to take what they said, in some regards I agree with the fact I talk about sex but I'm just recently in a new relationship, this is the first proper relationship and I'm very sexually inexperienced so I'm always asking my friend questions and advice. Is this inappropriate ? Both my mother and another friend advised me to forget about these two new friends because I shouldn't want to hang around with people who think so little of me and will make me change the way I act. I don't know what to do? This may not seem like a big deal but they were talking to me for an hour about everything that's wrong with me, but I don't know them that long and no one else has ever said these things about me. I don't know if this makes a difference but I'm bipolar, my female friend has an emotionally unstable personality disorder and my male friend has a social phobia disorder. I really value their friendship in one regard because I'm graduated university and can't get a job so I like hanging out with them cos it gets me out and about and stops me from sitting around the house. But on ypthe other hand should I be weary that I'm apparently making them feel uncomfortable? Any advice about if I should stay in contact with them or if anything they said is valid would be much appreciated, thanks loads :-)!

[Taramere]

I don't know what to do? This may not seem like a big deal but they were talking to me for an hour about everything that's wrong with me, but I don't know them that long and no one else has ever said these things about me.

 

Hard to comment without being a fly on the wall and hearing what was said. Being judgemental about you may provide them with a sense of escaping (temporarily, at least) their own issues.

 

If they're telling you that you discussing sex makes them feel uncomfortable then that's fair enough. That's them laying out boundaries, and I think that if you want to preserve a friendship you are best respecting those boundaries. Talking to you for an hour about "what's wrong with you" is a different matter. When that's happening, it's time for you to lay down one or two boundaries of your own.

 

Presumably you receive some level of care and treatment for your mental health problems. If so, then the best response might be to say "I think these are issues I'd be better discussing in a clinical environment with a professional, rather than in a social context with friends who might not have the necessary level of detachment to comment fairly." They might respond in a volatile way to that, in which case I suppose it's best to distance yourself from them - for a while at least.

 

I do think, though, that just as they've laid out their boundaries to you ("don't talk about sex - it makes us uncomfortable") you are entitled to lay out boundaries of your own which would include not sitting listening, for an hour, to other people commenting on anything and everything they perceive as being flawed about you.

[Nyla]

Basically in the past four months I have become really good friends with I girl I meet through a friend. Through her i am now friendly with another guy. The thee of us hang out a few times a week, going walks, drives and watching films together. We are all in are twenties and share a similar trait, we all have a metal health problem.

 

They invited me up to watch a film, when I went up they said hey needed to have a talk with me. They sat me down and said a few things about my behaviour was bothering them. They said I'm making it hard for them to be my friend because one day I act like a sensible 40 year old and the next day I act like a big child. They also said that I'm too open and just say things about sex that is really random and they makes them feel uncomfortable. What really annoyed me is that the guy who I'm only really friends with because of are mutal friendship with the girl, asked me do I ever thnk before I speak and so I feel bad when I go to bed at night and regret the way I just say things.

 

Do I think I shouldn't have said that. I don't really know how to take what they said, in some regards I agree with the fact I talk about sex but I'm just recently in a new relationship, this is the first proper relationship and I'm very sexually inexperienced so I'm always asking my friend questions and advice. Is this inappropriate ? Both my mother and another friend advised me to forget about these two new friends because I shouldn't want to hang around with people who think so little of me and will make me change the way I act. I don't know what to do? This may not seem like a big deal but they were talking to me for an hour about everything that's wrong with me, but I don't know them that long and no one else has ever said these things about me.

 

I don't know if this makes a difference but I'm bipolar, my female friend has an emotionally unstable personality disorder and my male friend has a social phobia disorder. I really value their friendship in one regard because I'm graduated university and can't get a job so I like hanging out with them cos it gets me out and about and stops me from sitting around the house. But on ypthe other hand should I be weary that I'm apparently making them feel uncomfortable? Any advice about if I should stay in contact with them or if anything they said is valid would be much appreciated, thanks loads :-)!

 

I have bipolar disorder too. It is so well managed that nobody would guess unless I told them. Only my nearest and dearest know me well enough to be able to tell if I am slipping into depression or mania. I keep a close watch on my own behavior and mood. Living with my illness for more than ten years have given me experience. Are you taking your medication? Do you have a therapist? How have you been feeling with regards to your mood lately?

 

I am asking these questions because friends whom you do not know very well, are seeing inconsistences in your behavior and you are blurting out inappropriate things. It looks like your bipolar disorder may need further supervision with from a psychiatrist.

 

Not everyone likes talking about sex. It is a very private and emotional topic. I reserve that kind of talk for my best friends, my husband or this anonymous forum where nobody knows me in real life. It is certainly inappropriate to bring up sex with people you barely know.

 

Your friends were being honest with you. That is what friends should do, as long as the truth is spoken with some kindness. I don't think you should stop talking to them, but you may want to apologize and be more mindful of social graces.

[LovesHangover]

You ask, "Are my friends right about me?"

My response is that you define who you are. Throughout your life people will say all sorts of things about you, but it doesn't make what they say the truth. It's just their perspective and honestly they don't truly know you! You define who you are for yourself and live out of your values. Love and take care of yourself, be confident, know your worth and what you value. Your values are your foundation for life.

 

On Receiving Advice:

Throughout your life you will receive advice that you asked for and advice that you didn't ask for. It is important to consider the source: Does this person love and care for me? Why did he/she provide this advice? Does this person has a hidden agenda or is this about him/her wanting the best for me?

 

In considering source it is also important to know the difference between constructive criticism vs. judgment and attack, which is not easy to discern because when it initially occurs, they sometimes feel the same; however, the methods of delivery and outcomes are different. This is why it is important for you to think things through.

 

Constructive criticism encourages and empowers you. Even if someone tells you about a pattern of behavior or action that doesn't serve you or your relationship with them, it is presented in a way that calls for resolution and growth.

 

On the other hand, judgment and attack makes you feel low, disempowered and that not only are your actions wrong, but you are wrong. When you are wrong, your aren't valuable, you can't trust your own thinking process, and you have to seek outside of yourself to fix you. At the heart of it, judgment and attack is manipulation, a power play, a desire to control. It is an attack on your self esteem, self confidence, and self worth.

 

It is equally important to consider the advice: Will following this advice be beneficial or harmful? Is this advice going to bring me closer to fulfilling my life's dream or further away from it? How does this impact me? Others?

 

Always remember that it's your choice: Regardless of the advice you receive, you choose your own course. You always have choices. You have to live your life for you and you are the one who has to live with the choices you make.

 

Now, what I think about their methods of communication as you described it: "This may not seem like a big deal but they were talking to me for an hour about everything that's wrong with me, but I don't know them that long and no one else has ever said these things about me."

 

It was an Intervention Style Judgment and Attack. Honestly, an hour about everything that's wrong with you?! I really don't think they needed an hour to say that they feel uncomfortable when you say or do this or that and that they would appreciate it if you could otherwise *fill in the blink* in the future. It would have also been beneficial for them to say that they care for you and value your friendship but these issues are not working for you or your friendship with them.

 

I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt because they just may not know any better. Perhaps they just lack the maturity and communication skills necessary to have a quality relationship. Here''s your chance to impart wisdom.

 

You stated: "I don't know what to do!"

 

Here's a suggestion:

 

Be confident and tell them that you appreciate them for communicating that your actions made them feel uncomfortable, apologize, ask for forgiveness and state that you are working on not doing those things again. You value their honesty and friendship; however, their methods of communication do not work for you. While they have every right to communicate likes and dislikes to you, you will not allow anyone to belittle, attack or control you. Their communication about your actions, should have remained about actions, not about you as a person.

 

An hour to provide a litany of your faults was unnecessary. You may also say that if they think so little of you, why are you even friends and that if we are going to be friends, it will work for you if you all can agree to communicate lovingly and respectfully. You have to let them know what you don't like as well as what would be beneficial to you. That's a relationship and you have every right to communicate and be self expressed!!!

 

When someone is willing to be honest with you even about the hard stuff, they are giving you gold. You know where you stand with them. I see no reason why you can't give your "friends" another chance. Give people as many chances as they need to get it right because nobody's perfect. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing and allows you to love and hold onto what you value. It also frees you up for new opportunities. We all make mistakes, and we grow by learning from them, not cutting off people because they hurt us. Whether you remain friends or not: Heal this within yourself and with them.

 

However, don't live in such a way that you give the power of you or your life to someone else. Admit your mistakes, grow from them and move on. There is no need to dwell on the mistake and beat yourself up or allow others to beat you up. Dwell on the lesson and use it to propel you to a greater future. Do not be a doormat or people-pleaser. Live out of your values. You have to be strong within yourself before you can have meaningful, healthy relationships.

 

On Seeking Advice:

 

I think that is is important to inquire about things you don't know much about, such as financing college, building healthy relationships, how to plan you career, purchasing your first car or home...and even sex! But you have to consider your topic and the sources from which you seek advice. Go to the experts!!!! The source from which you seek advice has to be appropriate: Perhaps, talking about sex with people you've only known for four months is inappropriate.

 

Thinking before you speak is important and actually great advice. There is an old saying that goes, "It's not what you do, but how you do it." Be self expressed but you don't have to express everything to everyone. There is always something for which you have to be responsible. In this situation, talking about sex with these people wasn't the best way to go about it even the feedback.

 

I actually have no problem discussing sex, and I'll share how I think you should go about your exploration in that area of your life:

 

-There are so many books about sex out there: Read some!

-There are increasingly more classes about the topic of sex or enhancing the experience: Pole Dancing, Dancing (Tango, Salsa...), Sexual and Reproductive Health/Skills, Oral Sex Skills, etc. Find out where they are happening in your community and go without shame. The people there have the same interest as you: A healthy and great sex life, so there's no reason to be embarrassed. Be the best student you can be in these courses and practice!!!!!!!!!!

-Visit sex shops and just look around and ask about products or have a sex toy party by yourself! Have a representative come to your home and share with you tools and tricks of having a great sex life!

-Experiment!!!!! Try new things!!!!

-Discuss sex with your partner and do some of this stuff together.

 

Only do what works for you!!!!

 

Parting Words of Encouragement

 

I remember the days, when I was a "I don't know what to do" kind of person. Learning from those experiences in my own life, led me to where I am today and is the reason for my lengthy response post. I learned that I have everything within me to deal with whatever comes my way and that I can be strong in the face of anything, stand up for and choose for myself! I hope that my advice to you is helpful and encouraging!

 

I also want you to know that I think you are great the way you are. Nobody's perfect. There's nothing wrong with you. Everyone makes mistakes and have things to manage in their lives. We're all in the same boat. You have bipolar disorder: Take care of yourself, take your medication, see your doctor and live your best life.

 

Wise people seek and receive advice all the time, so continue to do that with the new tools I have shared with you: Consider the topic, source, and advice. Discern between constructive criticism or judgment attack. Think before you ask for and think after you have received the advice. Think and choose for yourself.

 

All the best to you, Kittcatamanda!

 

~LovesHangover

[Nyla]

I was once "friends" with two different women who claimed that I could not handle their honesty. However, they were not giving me helpful advice. They were putting me down and making snide remarks. I can remember being told that I didn't know how to dress for my body and I needed a makeover...nothing constructive about that.

 

The other one scorned me because my life was happier than hers and she was jealous, so she said I was lackadaisical just because I wouldn't work dead end jobs that paid minimum wage. She also made rude comments about my husband.