How I Got Over My Ex

[rainmayker]

The Story

 

She broke up with me almost a month ago. It was a blind-sided breakup... no reason whatsoever, out-of-the-blue, and incredibly painful.

 

For about three weeks, I was crying my eyes out, just thinking about how we used to be, how I missed her, and how it's far from over. I did what I could to salvage the relationship through everything BUT NC.

 

Later, I found out that she had already found someone to replace me while we were still together. Just three days before our breakup, she had been up all night talking to one of her 'male friends'. Yeah, all night long. Then, she abruptly broke up with me a few days later after they started talking.

 

Fishy? Tell me about it.

 

Anyway, throughout the coming weeks, I had to witness them courting each other. It was terrible for me. But I made myself go through it anyway just so I could know for future reference how it happened and how I could prevent future occurrences of it.

 

Then, after all was said and done, I was alone.

 

How I Got Over Her

 

This part was the hardest part. We were together for years and she hit me with a blindsided breakup. It was the most excruciating pain in the world!

 

Here is what I did to get over her:

 

1. I made a list of the good things about her
   
2. I made a list of the negative things about her and made sure that it was at least double the amount of good things
   
3. I looked through all of our old pictures, chats, and souvenirs. I went through two weeks of mourning in this way, then finally put everything into one big cardboard box and tucked it away in my attic.
   
4. I cried. A lot.
   
5. I listened to sad, sappy music, and allowed myself to grieve.
   
6. I talked to my best friend for hours until he got tired of listening to me.
   
7. I thought about how happy she would be with her new douche-bag, moronic boyfriend and wished very bad things to happen to them. (He's a rebound so they will not work out in the end anyway)
   
8. I thought about what I could have done if she were not in my life and about the things I missed out on because she was with me
   
9. I made a list of things that I wanted to do with myself
   
10. I made a list of things that I wanted in the girl of my dreams
    
11. I started several new hobbies: guitar, live streaming on the internet, a podcast, blogging, exercising, and I cut my long hair.
    
12. I started joining online forums where other people were going through the same thing and posted my story
    
13. I caught up with old friends and asked them about their lives. I also pinched their kids' cheeks!
    
14. I abstained from alcohol altogether. I drank coffee and tea instead.
    
15. I ate healthier. More fruits and veggies.
    
16. I slept a lot more.
    
17. I started flirting with girls - hot girls who I never would have approached before this breakup. I got their numbers, called them, and told them that I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment because I just had my heart ripped to shreds. Strangely, they're still chasing me right now.
    
18. I began talking to my cute female friend about my breakup issues and we started talking every single night. She likes me now, and she said that she wants to start dating me seriously in a few months after I fully recover. I still don't know about that, but at least I have the option to do so with her. When I don't call her, she says that she goes through "withdrawals" of my company lol.
    
19. I started a new Facebook account and joined a lot of groups. Many people have friended me and many cute girls chat with me almost daily. They don't know about my recent breakup and how heart broken I am, but they love my company regardless. They tell me everyday that I am a pleasure to be around and that they want to have my babies. (LOL).
    
20. I relived every part of our relationship from beginning to end, making sure to point out ALL of the negative things in the relationship. I made sure that I saw the relationship as something that was much worse than I had originally thought it to be. THIS HELPED A GREAT DEAL!
    
21. I listened to audio recordings and videos of us together and let my heart grieve some more. Hearing her voice and seeing her image actually was the most helpful way to get over her. I at least had control of the situation and could press 'stop' on the video player whenever I felt like it. This was pivotal in my recovery.
    
22. I wake up everyday thinking about how much better I am than that douche-bag of hers and that makes me feel 10x better. I know that people will tell me not to do this and that I'm not really "over her" if I keep thinking about it, but this is one of the things that has helped me most. Don't overlook it, especially if it's in your personality like it is in mine.
    
23. I started accepting myself for who I am and what I stand for. I looked to the future instead of the past. I'm happy where I am right now.
    

 

 

Alright, so after I did all of these things, the pain actually went away. I don't feel hurt when I think about her anymore. I don't feel remorse, regret, or any other emotion. There is a dull numbing sensation where my heart is, but nothing that a bottle of Gatorade wouldn't solve. I think that the correct term for my feelings right now is 'indifference' because I actually don't care what she does anymore, who she's with, and what's going on with her life. She's just an annoying apparition who haunts me just because she's been in my life for such a long time.

 

I know that in time, this haunting apparition of her will disappear. I could get it to disappear faster if I went out and banged a few girls. But my female friend doesn't want me to do that as she has claimed me for herself.

 

I hope that this will help you guys out some.

[Ale khun]

I love when you say "this haunting apparition " it's a good way to put it , because memories and good moments haunts us until we finally let go . It's incredible the pain we suffer and all we go through after a break up . All I know it's that all the pain and bitterness one day will go away .

[LadyAnglerTx]

Great post - thank you! To me it is amazing that when someone dumps you or says they don't want to be with you anymore - you go into this crazy fatal attraction mode. You stop thinking clearly and start dissecting everything into tiny pieces and overanalyzing every conversation and all the shoulda-woulda-coulda's.

 

Rejection hurts. I've been on both ends (the dumper and the dumpee).

 

I'm working thru everything you went thru and trying to focus on self improvement. Some days are better than others. Like last night I had a meltdown and ended up drinking wine and eating pop tarts because I went on a date from Match.com and it was awful. Just made me miss my ex even more.

 

I'm at the stage where I feel I screwed up a good thing, I'll never find anyone like him, he was "the one" and I'm doomed to be single and miserable forever.

 

I know I will get over it but this is the worst feeling I have had in my life. It is pretty painful and what blows me away are the intense feelings I have that wake me up in a panic in the middle of the night, the "I must drive by his house now and see if he's home or someone is there with him" and then the anger where I call him every foul word I can conjure up.

 

I am hoping NC works and eventually he contacts me again but I doubt it. He and his new Corvette are on a mission to land chicks so I'm sure he won't remember me anymore once he draws new blood.

 

So there you have it. You have to go thru the pain, endure and hopefully time heals and we find good people and learn from our mistakes so we can have healthier relationships next time around.

 

Good luck to all of you!

[rainmayker]

Great post - thank you! To me it is amazing that when someone dumps you or says they don't want to be with you anymore - you go into this crazy fatal attraction mode. You stop thinking clearly and start dissecting everything into tiny pieces and overanalyzing every conversation and all the shoulda-woulda-coulda's.

 

Rejection hurts. I've been on both ends (the dumper and the dumpee).

 

I'm working thru everything you went thru and trying to focus on self improvement. Some days are better than others. Like last night I had a meltdown and ended up drinking wine and eating pop tarts because I went on a date from Match.com and it was awful. Just made me miss my ex even more.

 

I'm at the stage where I feel I screwed up a good thing, I'll never find anyone like him, he was "the one" and I'm doomed to be single and miserable forever.

 

I know I will get over it but this is the worst feeling I have had in my life. It is pretty painful and what blows me away are the intense feelings I have that wake me up in a panic in the middle of the night, the "I must drive by his house now and see if he's home or someone is there with him" and then the anger where I call him every foul word I can conjure up.

 

I am hoping NC works and eventually he contacts me again but I doubt it. He and his new Corvette are on a mission to land chicks so I'm sure he won't remember me anymore once he draws new blood.

 

So there you have it. You have to go thru the pain, endure and hopefully time heals and we find good people and learn from our mistakes so we can have healthier relationships next time around.

 

Good luck to all of you!

 

You will get through this - just have faith. This is a huge community with a lot of members who are willing to step out of their comfort zone to help you... including me. If you are comfortable with it, I highly recommend posting your own story in one of the sub-forums, as I have done. It's truely therapeutic.

 

In addition, NC did NOT work for me. I believe that NC is meant to help you get your ex back (in my case, she could die in hell for all I care). So, I ended up calling her and going through a few yelling contests. After the third yelling contest, she admitted to talking with that douche bag, and that's the exact moment when I started healing... and very rapidly, I might add.

 

Let's just say that I found it to be very fishy that someone could throw away a 3-year long relationship so suddenly, and NOT want to work things out! It was too fishy for me, and I had to figure it out. Once I got my answers from her, things just fit together like one big gigantic puzzle.

 

Also, stay away from the alcohol, as it will make you want to "drunk text" or "drunk dial" him. I did this in past relationships, and that's why I didn't want to do it this time around, either. If I did end up calling her, I would want to remember it all so that I could learn from the experience.

 

You will be fine, just give it time and maybe you can do some of the things I mentioned above? It hurts like a bitch and I don't blame you for wanting to do or not do certain things.

 

Best.

[simplyamazing]

I just wanted to say that making a list of good and bad was the most therapeutic, effective thing. It really, truly made me realize that I was sad over nothing.

 

I was settling, and making those lists of good and bad helped me realize it. I was more sad / scared of being alone rather than being sad over the loss of my ex. I've come to terms with being alone, and I know the right someone is out there for me.

 

I'm excited now, this is the best I've felt since the BU. I can't wait to start moving on and going through more trials and tribulations of finding the right person for me.

 

Thanks!

[rainmayker]

I just wanted to say that making a list of good and bad was the most therapeutic, effective thing. It really, truly made me realize that I was sad over nothing.

 

I was settling, and making those lists of good and bad helped me realize it. I was more sad / scared of being alone rather than being sad over the loss of my ex. I've come to terms with being alone, and I know the right someone is out there for me.

 

I'm excited now, this is the best I've felt since the BU. I can't wait to start moving on and going through more trials and tribulations of finding the right person for me.

 

Thanks!

 

Keep at it and stay strong! I am glad that you made those lists, and you will see that there are more negative things than positive... yikes.

 

We're all afraid to be alone. For me though, I didn't feel that I could do "any better" than her, and that is what hurt the most.

 

You will most definitely find a better match, that's for sure! Send me a private message when you do so that I can personally congratulate you!

[simplyamazing]

I had that feeling that I couldn't do any better either, especially when I was with her because I was not having great success in life at the time. She was my only bright spot. I had this feeling until actually last Friday. But, I saw this post, so I decided to do the list shortly before I posted. I came up with 5 positive things. 17 negatives. And that was only off the top of my head. Clearly, not a good match. I was being as fair as I could when I created the lists.

 

It truly made me realize that I was

a) settling by even continuing to wish I still had my ex. In reality I should have been the dumper, but that leads me to

b) I was more scared of being alone. And it appears that was the reason for the bulk of my sadness, and why I didn't dump my ex.

c) I got comfortable, even though I wasn't too happy. I grew to love her even though the differences vastly outnumbered the similar interests.

 

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted. I've been liberated. The best part is, if she didn't move away in March (she dumped me in April, but I found out that the real reason was because she met some douchebag and didn't have the guts to be honest about it), I would still be with her.

 

I don't want to say that I wasted the last 2 years of my life because I feel like I did learn something. Don't settle! That's the main thing I got out of the relationship. If she hadn't moved away, I would still be with her... and I know I would be unhappy even after I finished up my degrees and had her move in with me again. She just wasn't the one. I knew it, but I just didn't wanna let her go.

 

You can congratulate me now! I don't need anyone to be happy, but I have SORT of kinda met a girl that I may be interested in. Between meeting her (I forgot all about the ex while talking to her) and doing this list... I feel fantastic now. I know I can do better, and I will do better.

 

Again, thanks for the post!

Edited May 20, 2013 by simplyamazing

[Gatzby]

Simplyamazing - I am in a situation very similar to yours and recently lost the girl I was with for over 2 years despite me trying to work through her cheating on me. If I had to take a guess, I would imagine she is with him now, even though it's only been a week - and they can have one another!

 

Like you, I feel as though I settled because I was afraid to be alone... I didn't even feel that attracted to her and felt I could do better but still I stayed... she didn't appreciate any of the romantic things I did for her or sacrifices that I'd made... or even forgiveness of the aforementioned! Everything was criticized!

 

Even still, I miss her - why do we do this to ourselves!? Why settle? There are plenty of mediocre things in life, why should love be one of them?

 

Sorry to hear of your pain, I'm right there with ya!

[simplyamazing]

Simplyamazing - I am in a situation very similar to yours and recently lost the girl I was with for over 2 years despite me trying to work through her cheating on me. If I had to take a guess, I would imagine she is with him now, even though it's only been a week - and they can have one another!

 

Like you, I feel as though I settled because I was afraid to be alone... I didn't even feel that attracted to her and felt I could do better but still I stayed... she didn't appreciate any of the romantic things I did for her or sacrifices that I'd made... or even forgiveness of the aforementioned! Everything was criticized!

 

Even still, I miss her - why do we do this to ourselves!? Why settle? There are plenty of mediocre things in life, why should love be one of them?

 

Sorry to hear of your pain, I'm right there with ya!

 

Hey Gatzby,

 

I can definitely relate to you! I was very attracted to my ex though, from the moment I saw her I knew I wanted to be with her (before I got to really see her personality). Sadly looks aren't the only thing that matter because, I would definitely still be trying to be with her! But they don't matter nearly as much as personality in my opinion! She and I were too different, and I knew it... but didn't want to be alone, and I was definitely attracted to her so I rolled with it. I can't say that my ex didn't appreciate the things I did for her, though. I'm sorry to hear that yours didn't!

 

I still miss her, don't get me wrong! I have no desire to be with her though anymore. The pain she caused me has been lifted. If she were to ever contact me, I would be indifferent about it. I have no desire to make contact with her anymore. I haven't spoken to her in over a month. It was extremely hard at first, but it got easier.

 

My life has picked up as well! This was a huge help. I started exercising regularly to help keep my mind from her. I've lost a bunch of weight since April. I'm going back to university to finish my dual degree!

 

I just have to say it again though! The list was the best thing I did, because it made me look at my ex in reality as opposed to rose tinted glasses. Once I realized that I was idealizing her, and it wasn't all that great... WOW, I can't explain how much better I felt!! Like I said before, it was like a tremendous weight was lifted... liberating!

 

If you haven't, try doing the lists, and if that doesn't work, continue taking more advice from Rainmaykers list!

Edited May 21, 2013 by simplyamazing

[Gatzby]

Definitely did the list as well and it was overwhelmingly skewed in the cons department - a ridiculous amount.

 

I definitely was settling - and this feeling of uneasiness makes me want to hear from her... it's only been 9 days so it's still pretty fresh... We've been doing the long distance thing lately and she was visiting for a few weeks and we had a decent time... but I could sense some distance... she denied it and I even posited that we end things mutually after a long talk about how we were different. She begged and said she could not imagine a future without me and assured me it was what she wanted. I spoke with her shortly after leaving and she decided she was not sure if she was happy...

 

SO just really difficult seeing as our last memories were at my place and that they were together... would have been much easier had she never come to visit.

 

Deleted all contact info so I can't get ahold of her even if I wanted to... which I don't... just trying to go through the emotions instead of around them - but damn it's hard.

[rainmayker]

I had that feeling that I couldn't do any better either, especially when I was with her because I was not having great success in life at the time. She was my only bright spot. I had this feeling until actually last Friday. But, I saw this post, so I decided to do the list shortly before I posted. I came up with 5 positive things. 17 negatives. And that was only off the top of my head. Clearly, not a good match. I was being as fair as I could when I created the lists.

 

It truly made me realize that I was

a) settling by even continuing to wish I still had my ex. In reality I should have been the dumper, but that leads me to

b) I was more scared of being alone. And it appears that was the reason for the bulk of my sadness, and why I didn't dump my ex.

c) I got comfortable, even though I wasn't too happy. I grew to love her even though the differences vastly outnumbered the similar interests.

 

I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted. I've been liberated. The best part is, if she didn't move away in March (she dumped me in April, but I found out that the real reason was because she met some douchebag and didn't have the guts to be honest about it), I would still be with her.

 

I don't want to say that I wasted the last 2 years of my life because I feel like I did learn something. Don't settle! That's the main thing I got out of the relationship. If she hadn't moved away, I would still be with her... and I know I would be unhappy even after I finished up my degrees and had her move in with me again. She just wasn't the one. I knew it, but I just didn't wanna let her go.

 

You can congratulate me now! I don't need anyone to be happy, but I have SORT of kinda met a girl that I may be interested in. Between meeting her (I forgot all about the ex while talking to her) and doing this list... I feel fantastic now. I know I can do better, and I will do better.

 

Again, thanks for the post!

 

Congratulations! I'm glad you could get a good, working list and that you put it to good use!

 

My ex left me for some douche-bag as well. I wasted an entire month crying over her, thinking that it was something I did wrong. TERRIBLE! Once I found out what she actually did (she was seeing that guy behind my back and dumped me abruptly), I lost ALL respect for her and that's when the real healing began!

 

The funny thing is, you probably found a new chick when you were least expecting it, right? Happened to me, too lol.

[rainmayker]

Hey Gatzby,

 

I can definitely relate to you! I was very attracted to my ex though, from the moment I saw her I knew I wanted to be with her (before I got to really see her personality). Sadly looks aren't the only thing that matter because, I would definitely still be trying to be with her! But they don't matter nearly as much as personality in my opinion! She and I were too different, and I knew it... but didn't want to be alone, and I was definitely attracted to her so I rolled with it. I can't say that my ex didn't appreciate the things I did for her, though. I'm sorry to hear that yours didn't!

 

I still miss her, don't get me wrong! I have no desire to be with her though anymore. The pain she caused me has been lifted. If she were to ever contact me, I would be indifferent about it. I have no desire to make contact with her anymore. I haven't spoken to her in over a month. It was extremely hard at first, but it got easier.

 

My life has picked up as well! This was a huge help. I started exercising regularly to help keep my mind from her. I've lost a bunch of weight since April. I'm going back to university to finish my dual degree!

 

I just have to say it again though! The list was the best thing I did, because it made me look at my ex in reality as opposed to rose tinted glasses. Once I realized that I was idealizing her, and it wasn't all that great... WOW, I can't explain how much better I felt!! Like I said before, it was like a tremendous weight was lifted... liberating!

 

If you haven't, try doing the lists, and if that doesn't work, continue taking more advice from Rainmaykers list!

 

I'm here to help, thanks for the support guys

[rainmayker]

Definitely did the list as well and it was overwhelmingly skewed in the cons department - a ridiculous amount.

 

I definitely was settling - and this feeling of uneasiness makes me want to hear from her... it's only been 9 days so it's still pretty fresh... We've been doing the long distance thing lately and she was visiting for a few weeks and we had a decent time... but I could sense some distance... she denied it and I even posited that we end things mutually after a long talk about how we were different. She begged and said she could not imagine a future without me and assured me it was what she wanted. I spoke with her shortly after leaving and she decided she was not sure if she was happy...

 

SO just really difficult seeing as our last memories were at my place and that they were together... would have been much easier had she never come to visit.

 

Deleted all contact info so I can't get ahold of her even if I wanted to... which I don't... just trying to go through the emotions instead of around them - but damn it's hard.

 

The funny thing is, if you hadn't made the list in the first place, you would still be thinking of her as a type of "goddess" on a pedestal (I know I had her up there for an entire month after our breakup!).

 

And yes, wow, we're all surprised when there are more negative traits than there are positive! It certainly changes your perspective on things, doesn't it? You can do better, my friend. As others have mentioned, "never settle"!